Sept 1 just thinkin....

In the time that my relationship with Her became.... REALLY serious....   I've had very little 'down' time.
Which is to say, either I've been with Her,  Her place, my place, some place, or I've been home, alone, catching up on sleep.

About the only time I've had to 'think about things' is ...like now, at work, during wee hours, when not much is going on at work.

Observation....we've kinda gotten away from the BDSM dynamic of our relationship,  which She enjoys and I really enjoy, and more into the sexual dynamic of our relationship, which She really enjoys and I ...enjoy.
Although, I have YET to have a 'happy ending' during intercourse, despite many... attempts.... it's been about a month and a half since my last orgasm,  
I am under orders....orders that I am happy to comply with....to NOT masturbate, to not even touch 'myself', other than for shaving and cleaning and urinating and other necessary functions, but certainly NOT for pleasure, unless it happens under Her direction.

Because of my failure to cum during intercourse, I reflect on what I used to think about during masturbation to which I was able to cum.
I never fantasized about fucking, but ...about being spanked in some fashion, or caned, or strapped, some kind of CP, or being buttfucked, whether by a strap on, or by a real cock.
I've tried to hold images like those in my head during intercourse, but so far, that has not worked...  I think perhaps there's some psychological block, that I'm thinking, I should be enjoying the intercourse, and shouldn't have to think about 'other' stuff, to bring myself to orgasm.

When we HAVE done S&M play lately, She has taken to beating my thighs, front and back.
I'm guessing Her motivation for this is.... THAT is where I'm going to feel it. 
Which is to say, in recent sessions, I've shown that I can take a long hard licking on my buttocks, to the point and past the point of openly bleeding, before I start to 'feel' it.   By smacking my thighs, I feel it quickly, which is a desired result for both of us.   And, it hurts like  ...well, a lot.   Not a complaint, just sayin'.
But I would like more, much more, impact on my buttocks, just because it appeals to my submissive nature.
And She likes to bite (me).  I frequently have bite mark bruises somewhere on my chest.   This also hurts ... a lot.... but I'm not complaining, just sayin'.
And She likes to pinch or tweak my nipples.  THIS hurts  A LOT...  and I'm still not complaining, just sayin'.
The other day, She said, "If you can look me in the eyes, and tell me that you don't want me to do that, I will stop doing it."    All I could do was ... change the subject.

The other day, She suggested She might be taking a spoon or similar object to my mons pubis. 
This sounds.... interesting.

 So much ....like, all... of what we've done lately, has been, what She wanted to do.
I understand, I realize, that when I CHOSE to become Her slave,  this would be how it would be.
I exist for Her pleasure.

But, here on my blog, I can write about what I desire, without it coming across as whining or begging for something.....
I love anal play.... when it's my anus being played with.
I enjoy being plugged, with a prostate massager, or otherwise.
She's used a strap-on on me, just once....   I want more of that.
She has fisted my ass twice.... and OMG, it's awesome!
We've played with ginger a few times; I've had it rectally and in my urethra; this is equally awesome.... although a part of me wants to have me bound and helpless, and squirming, helpless.
I'd like Her to put the Humbler on me, and use me in whatever fashion She sees fit.
I'd like Her to lock my jewels in the standing Humbler Post.   In an upright position, She could then cuff my hands behind me,  and bite me and tweak my nipples while watching me squirm.
Or cuff my hands in front of me,  and beat my buttocks and thighs with whatever implements of Her choosing.
She could lock my jewels in it from behind, forcing me to bend over,  and abuse my backside in any number of ways.
I have a desire for forced restrained punishment enemas.... I want Her to put me in the spreader bar, give me a full enema with the inflatable double Bardex nozzle, and  leave me to squirm for awhile.
And, oh, I have such a desire for naked OTK spankings.... being made to strip naked, and go over Her lap for a long hard spanking with whatever She wants to use.
And caning..... to be stripped, bent over a chair...  for a proper punishment caning....
THESE are scenes right out of my old masturbatory fantasies.......

In chat early,  in response to some flippant remark I made, She said, 'Oh you're going to get such a beating....LOL."
I replied, "Is that a promise, or ...just a statement?"
She said, "It remains to be seen..."
Which, I thought, was quite disappointing.

I've had quality time with Her, every weekend since..... I'm not sure when the last weekend was that I did not.  Late June, maybe...other than the weekend, She flew solo to Pa.
She just decided, a couple days ago,  that for the coming weekend, She needs to spend time with Her other, R.
So, She'll probably come to my place on Tuesday.   Later in the week, I don't know .....   I'll have Friday and Saturday, home alone,   then meet up with Her and R at the BoD on Sunday,  for a script reading and after-party, if I decide to go. But when I'm unhappy or depressed, I have a habit of engaging in self-sabotage.
Yes, I have a long list of things that I could get done at home.
Yes, I understand the reasons behind it.
Yes, it still bugs me.   She's with him every single day, when he comes home from work, and sleeps with him every single week night.   Now, She's also going to give him the weekend,  and I'll get ... a few hours of Her time, during the week.
Oh, what a lucky man, I am.....................