12.29 Journal

According to my Numbers Log, it's been 948 hours. 

That's 39 1/2 days....  since the last 'real' 'good' spanking She gave me.

By that, I mean there have been a few minor incidents... such as when we were sitting in the living room, and She said 'get over my knee', or I was in the bathroom, naked and out of the shower, and She grabbed the hairbrush and smacked my butt a few times.

But a real session, that left my bottom bruised and crimson  (and we videotaped for our clips4sale site) happened ...  nearly 40 days ago.

We did not stop due to lack of desire, on Her part.  There were times when She suggested ..even "ordered" it... and I seem to recall a time or two of flatly refusing.  
We were at my parents' house for nearly five days, and did not do a darned thing this year; the previous year, we were doing twice-a-days.

All because of me and this mysterious I.B.S illness,  with symptoms of a chronic pain in my gut, somewhere below my stomach.  

A visit to the doctor did not help much.  
She suggested, stress...and try to learn to relax.
Well, so much easier said than done.

I've missed quite a bit of work,  the pain has been so ...annoying.

I have not been aroused by anything, the pain has been so much.  I had plenty of piss hard-ons during this period, but once I urinated, it disappeared, and I really had no ideas or thoughts about physical pleasures during this time.

Well, it has subsided quite a bit.

Not completely, not all gone...but close.   

During this period of abstinence, She and I had ... talks, during which She told me, She had not entered our marriage looking for a strictly vanilla one...  that She enjoys beating my bottom... She enjoys beating any willing bottom, but mine in particular... and doesn't want to have to fulfill this need outside of our marriage, but if it really comes down to it...if I insist on sticking to vanilla, She might go looking outside and elsewhere to scratch this particular itch.

Do I feel threatened by that?  
Of course not.  
I just don't 'do' jealousy.

I remember telling Her, that when we do get back into the DD/CP, I would only 'allow' it if we were filming it, for use on our c4s site. 
And, not while Tallship was in the house.
This last week, Tallship has been doing a fair job of making himself scarce for some hours on a daily basis.
BUT, we've had Her twenty-something-year-old son at the house since Tuesday or so...  nearly a week...  which severely limited ANYTHING we might have considered doing.

She is taking that son home, or to school, one or the other, doesn't matter which, but probably home, so he can drop off his bags... early this morning.  

So, am I ready to resume DD/CP etc etc when I get home from work, when She gets home....   ?

Well...no...not really....

There is still the issue I am having of...
  my unfulfilled fantasies.
I've had hundreds of fantasies go through my head...and I've written close to a hundred of them into scenes ... that we were going to use as special treats... back when we were doing 'treats'.  (Which lasted, about three minutes, as I recall.)
  There are scenarios that can bring forth instant arousal within me (or could, when my gut wasn't hurting).
 I've yearned for the longest time to play out these scenarios, to enact these fantasies...  and a few time, we've... come close.  
 So close...
 BUT when I get that close... yet not quite there...I feel like... I'd asked for a pizza with pepperoni and sausage and onions and bell peppers, and told, I can only get one with just cheese.  
 Should I settle for the plain cheese pizza, or should I say, "Nah, I'll get something else?"
 I don't typically 'settle'.  If I can't have what I want the way I want it,  I'm most likely to decline whatever is offered instead, and wait for whatever it is I exactly want, even if it's not necessarily forthcoming SOON.

But compromise?  Yeah, I can do that.
I might take the plain pizza NOW, if I'm told I'll get the one with the works NEXT time.

Here's a thing:
I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm talking about.

I'm trying to say, I am really torn between WANTING to get back into the DD/CP lifestyle, and NOT wanting to.
I realize, I am NOT fond of thinking myself a 'slave' ...
Or even a 'submissive husband'.
I think we've had enough discussions to make THAT clear.

BUT I enjoy having my bottom beaten ..by Her. 
I would enjoy doing roleplays that fit that lifestyle.
But I am too self-willed, headstrong, stubborn,  etc..   to actually LIVE and BE that sub/slave.

What to do, what to do?