12.02 Diary ...just thinking...

A back and forth discussion that goes on in my head is the difference between  Strict Wife Domestic Discipline and Mommy-Domestic Discipline.

By my consent and contract, I have ceded to my Wife... control, authority, and power...  to decide when to give discipline, for any reason or no reason,  whenever She chooses (within normal parameters which She does abide by).
What this translates to, is that She can choose to, and does choose to, spank me ... whenever She wants, and again I say, with or without any reason given, or as She might say, "Just for the f*ck of it".
In practice, this quite often means.... me, getting my butt paddled after I get home from work in the morning, and again, shortly after I get up in the afternoon, before getting ready for work.
We don't have any kind of routine in place for my days off, as yet.
But...and here's the thing...
I have choice.
In the moment that She says, "Get naked" or "Go get ....implements" or whatever words spoken that indicate discipline is forthcoming,  I can say 'No.'
I am an adult.  I have choice.
Notwithstanding a contract that says I do not have choice, which is unenforceable in any court, or anything else, I do have choice.
She could not force me.  Not by physical force,  not by words, not by any argument.

If I were to say no,  it would create a considerable rift in our dynamic.
I agreed, by my word, by my signature,  to yield to Her, all authority in this and every other matter, and for me to say no, would be very nearly a total breakdown.
It's never been my thought to say no.
(I have balked.... I have been slow to move on Her word..as I explained what was going on in my head.... but I have not refused, nor thought about refusing... for more than a couple seconds.)
But.... getting back to the point, I DO have choice.  Saying 'no' IS an available option, although certainly a last-resort option that would quite possibly result in all sorts of unpleasant consequences.

Which has me thinking about relationships where saying 'no' is NOT an option.
...For example, Mommy-Domestic Discipline, which is a generic for any family-type DD, whether it comes from Mom, Step-Mom, Auntie ...etc.
My vision in this situation is that when Mommy decides to spank, there really is NO choice.
Saying 'no' to Mommy is just not an option.
The feeling of submission I get within seems so different..... from when I have choice, and when I ...imagine ...that I don't.
Another fascination I have with M-DD is .... the lack of any sexual connotations.
There's something about.... having Mommy spank me, with no intent on her part to arouse me, but simply to punish me...  that is, in itself, arousing.

Then, there's the concept of Be Careful What You Wish For
For years, I fantasized, yearned for ....  living in a real Female-Led-DD household.
Finally, I met the woman who was willing to be the sadistic partner to my masochistic self at parties at dungeons.
Then,  She was willing....and She generated, and we signed, a D/s contract.
When I expressed dissatisfaction with that contract, because it was so easy to ..get out of...  and I have such a fear-of-rejection complex,  She converted into a permanent M/s contract.
Then, we fooled around and fell in love...  and got engaged....and got married.
There were still unresolved issues ....within me.
I wrote on this blog about.... wanting not so much a leather-and-lace Mistress,  but a Strict Wife, in a Female-Led-Relationship with DD.
And She accepted the role as Strict Wife...on Nov 5.
Since that date...through the end of November, there have been 12 days of two spankings, 8 days of 1, and 6 days of none.
Full disclosure...so many times, I've made the 45min+ drive home from work, in anticipation of what She might come up with, in ways to bring color to my buttocks and thighs.  I've wondered if She'd have me bend over ..something,  or keep my waiting... or beat me enough to bring me close to my yet unfound limits...
On waking up in the afternoon, I don't have much time to think about it, but there's still a couple moments of delicious anticipation...
On my weekends, there's always been the "I just never know" factor.
So, I'm saying, yeah... I luv it.
If you were to see videos of my face during, you might ask, "Really?"
Well, yes.  Some of it is intense. But, I still luv it, luv the feeling afterwords.
However, even a pain slut has an off-day,  a day ...or an hour, when they (I) just don't ...  feel like it.
Maybe I'm tired ...physically, or because I'm sleep deprived, or my head is just...elsewhere.
Recent example:  Saturday, last.
Weird week-end for me, anyway, with split nights off, being Thursday and Saturday.
So, I was heading home from work, Saturday morning, and uppermost in my thoughts was...
what I needed to do around the house.  I wanted to work in the garage, rearrange a bunch of stuff, in order to make room for yet MORE stuff, the following weekend....  and then other jobs, as time permitted.
So, I was thinking, to quickly eat, and nap, and get up kind of early.
Well...after immediate morning chores,  and a shower, I joined Her in Her bed, and soon enough, She told me to go fetch five implements.
I paused a long time, with a sour look on my face.
She asked, "What's wrong....?"
I told Her, that I really had a ... different agenda... for the morning.
She said, calmly enough, "Be careful what you wish for."
That's all it took to remind me, that what I wished for, was a Strict Wife, with authority to discipline me, whenever She wanted to.... and that's what I got.
I got up, and went, and fetched five implements, and returned,  and received numerous hard paddlings on my buttocks and thighs.
I wished for ...this relationship....I received it...now I live it 24/7,  even if some things don't always fit into what I think of as perfect timing.
Oh.  Well.