The question was posed to me:
What attracted me to Merry, in the first place, in the beginning?
To say, I am 'shy' is a severe understatement. Borderline antisocial would be more like it. (as was noted on a recent job performance review). I am NOT outgoing, friendly, gregarious.
I can not, will not, walk up to a stranger, and say, "Hi, I'm Shilo..." and see what happens from there.
Can't do it.
At a party, I would always be the girl, holding up a wall, waiting for a boy to come ask her to dance.
Once I was in a position in my life to come out of my shell, to try to fulfill the masochistic desires that I held in for so long, I went to a few munches that I saw on FL....and usually sat quietly, alone.
I went to classes at the BoD... and sat alone, and left quietly afterwards.
I figured it, it would be easier to find a male spanker, than a female, and I registered on a few m/m spanking sites, and waited to be contacted.... and I was... and was able to get involved in some real meets and get my bottom soundly spanked.
I was at a BOD class, which was just an open instructional...with people just practicing...whatever...and I was sitting alone, quietly, and a Domme came up to me and asked, "So, what are you into?"
"Um... I like to be spanked... "
"Well, I could use practice on my flogging..."
And in short order, I was semi naked, over a bench, as she practiced a number of things on me.
This was actually my second experience with a female Top, as earlier, in January, I had gone to a 'party' at Irongate and paid a Domme for two sessions, one against a cross for a flogging, then another over her lap.
After the free session at BoD, I contacted Her again, by way of saying "Thank you", and found out, further sessions would 'cost me'.
There were monthly parties at BoD, and before the first one, a Dom had contacted me through FL, and we made a date...and we met at the party, and had me over a bench, and beat me good and proper.
Come to find out from him later, it didn't do 'anything for him', and he had little interest in a second date.
I had a regular male Top during March, who gave me several good beatings.... but all contact simply stopped. And by that, I mean, he stopped contacting me, and I wasn't about to initiate contact with him.
April 1, I went to a M/M party, and met up with a guy that I had been chatting with through Spankthis, and he had a good time with me.
Afterwards, another guy ( Will) who had seen me there, contacted me through STH, and we got together for a private party in LA, and twice during the month, I drove out to his house in Palm Desert, and received some thorough thrashings.
Then, I expected to see him at the M/m party, early May.... and he sent me a message through STH that he couldn't make it.
He had my personal email and my phone number..... So I was really upset that he sent a message through a place that I might not have even seen.
After the first BoD party I attended, I put up a journal entry.... which ended with, "So, when's the next party?"
And Merry replied, with the date of the next party.
I thanked Her for that, etc.
After Will stood me up, so to speak, I wrote another journal entry, bemoaning my life, and how hard it's been to find someone I can ...rely on.
And She replied to that, saying that "My dance card is open, so if you're available, you could be my play partner" for a party on June 1.
We had seen each other, were even introduced, at prior parties, so this was not a 'blind date'.
My heart skipped a few times. I couldn't say, "Yes, sure," fast enough.... but I tried to be casual about it. Heh.
We met at the party...and had a great time, two different sessions..... She figged me before beating me, for the first one, and even broke... or re-broke an index finger, swinging a heavy paddle.
Afterwards, She and her partner were going for customary after-party ice cream, and invited me along.
Later, She told me, She didn't expect me to accept, and was mortified when I accepted.
She asked Her partner, "What are we going to talk about?"
We found plenty to talk about.
We exchanged hundreds of emails.
She told me about failing contract negotiations with another male sub
I expressed enough of an interest, that She asked if wanted to enter into such a relationship, and I said yes.
We signed a D/s contract....
After a week or so, I expressed my feelings about the lack of permanency in the contract, that it stated that either party could quit at any time.....
She offered a permanent, M/s contract, and I accepted.
We signed it, and She put a necklace (collar) around my neck, in mid June.
There have been significant ups and downs since then.
One UP was getting married, mid Sept. Another UP was moving in together, October 1.
A DOWN was when She took the collar off me, in October.
And put it back on, a week or so later.
A DOWN was when I started smoking, after I had quit, and lied to Her about it, and She busted me on it.
So, what was the question?
Oh yeah....
The first attraction was: SHE approached ME. SHE asked ME to "dance" as it were.
That alone means SO MUCH to a shy guy like me.
Then She asked me to join them for ice cream. I felt ACCEPTED.
And She is gorgeous, and charming, and warm.... I LOVE Her smile, and the twinkle in Her eyes, and the obvious joy She gets from beating my bottom.
There are plenty of stories.... true or not, who the f*ck knows.... about women who will beat a man silly, past the point of recognition.
But this woman, MY woman, beats me, not just for Her pleasure, but also for mine. She likes giving pain to those who like getting it, and that's me to a T.
I asked Her to be more like a Strict Wife, rather than a Mistress...and She accepted the role, just to make me happy.
She is my-fantasy-come-true.
Next question:
Why do I continue to want to serve Her?
This question, I believe, arose from recent events, where I've taken control of things in a manner unfitting for a slave in an M/s relationship.
My reasoning for doing that.... is that, I saw things that needed doing, that weren't being done, and so I took charge.
If and when things are getting done as needed, I am content to NOT be in charge, to simply do as expected, to do as I'm told
I'm not very good at decision making on my own.
I want guidance, I want direction, I want to be told ...what to do.
I like having my opinion asked, and giving input, but not having the final decision.
I'd much rather be a 'trusted advisor' than the final-decision-maker.
I LIKE pleasing Her, making Her happy.
Sometimes, recently, it hasn't seemed that way.
I believe that's because both my Ego and my emotions, that I am often not very cognizant of, have gotten in my way, and I've done or said something rather impulsive, that worked out quite contrary to what I really want to happen.
I really do want to serve Her, and make Her happy, in any way I can.
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