Journal 09.02

Why o’ why ……….

Do I feel so restless, so unfulfilled?

Why are my fantasies, the images and stories running through my mind, so much more arousing to me than real life?

Caution: disconnected ramblings, ahead.

I live with, I’m married to, a woman who loves to spank my bottom.

And that’s what I wanted all my life, right?  (Or at least, the all of my life that I was willing to admit it to myself…)

Maybe… I’m just jonesing.   During the month of August, I was on the receiving end of nine spanking sessions, of which three occurred during the same party, and a fourth was at a party I attended without my wife.

She is supposed to be the Dominant, but it seems like it’s been a long stretch when She’s not doing her part, in that.

If I have to take over, I CAN take over. We just have to come to agreement on that.

Although I’d still be “a Dominant who likes having his ass beaten”.

One problem I feel, is my age.  MANY of my fantasies entail me being younger, much younger than I am, like as a young adult, under the control of a Strict Mommy type woman.

The other morning, I woke up at the tail end of a dream in which my first girl friend had asked me to give her a bare bottom paddling.

I went back to sleep, wondering What IF I had tried, in some fashion, to introduce spanking into our sex-play.  The vision, which became the dream, led to her saying, THIS is the way she has seen it done, which had me stretched out naked on a bed, face down, while she applied a doubled-over belt. 

Who knows what would have happened if I had tried that?    ….sigh...

A problem I am having now, is that she knows I like to be spanked.  Well, I like it before and after, as she does a good job of preventing me from liking it during.

So my fantasies lean towards a scene where She, whoever She is, does not know that I enjoy it, and maybe I don’t know either. That what happens is punishment or discipline, and not for our mutual pleasure.

I look at some of my ‘favorite’ pictures… ones that I always find arousing, or that I can fashion a fantasy around…. And try to figure out, just what it is….

One drawing is captioned “His Nightly Spanking”   and shows the back of a naked male, approached a fully dressed woman, sitting on a couch, holding a hairbrush.  That sets me off on a fantasy…  of a male who doesn’t enjoy the spanking, but submits to it, every night.

Another drawing is of a male, naked, bent over, hands on a stool, with his wife behind him, dressed in underwear, applying a paddle,  with caption:  “every night, she fetches the paddle from the drawer, and says, ‘strip and bend over’.    What would THAT be like, I wonder and fantasize.

Same picture as above, caption:  “every evening, after she gets home from work…”

Same picture as above, caption:  “before a party, to make sure he is well behaved…”

Same picture as above, caption:  “Before church…and usually afterwards, also..’

Again, same picture, caption:  “Before bedtime, she likes to hear his whimpers to get in the mood”

Another drawing: a boy?, naked, stretched out on a day bed, face down, and watches as ‘Mom’ gets a paddle out of a cabinet.  Wouldn’t that be chilling, to watch as the paddle is brought out?

Another picture, naked male, bent over, hands on the seat of a chair. Woman dressed in full length body shaper and stockings, paddle raised high.  My mind races with…how did that scene start?  How far does it go?

A similar drawing: naked male, bent over, hands on seat of chair; fully dressed woman, swinging a cane.  My mind runs with that….and I think about a comment that She recently put on one of my pictures on FL:  “Nothing quite as beautiful as your caned bottom!”   And wondered, when and if She planned to paint Her own picture there.

I think, I might be getting close to what my problem is….

Consensuality.

When we do (or have done) FUNishment sessions, it’s by mutual agreement.  Usually Her idea  (as I’m not in the habit of asking for a spanking)  and then mine to go along with or not.   Well, She usually states Her desire in a Command form, but if I balk for some valid reason, She backs off.

So, we’ve incorporated a modified-Spencer plan into our household agreement,  which states that She can invoke a Merry, One or Two or Three depending on the circumstances.

For August:  MerryTwo three times, MerryThree twice.

Analyzing the pictures, I don’t see any of those guys being asked, “How about a spanking,” and them saying, “Sounds like a good idea.”

In each case, it looks like they were told, “Strip and ….”

That’s at least A PART of what I am missing, the Dominance and submission.

Along with, something to ‘look forward to’.

Many of my scenes happen, well, quickly.   From the moment She says, “Let’s do this” to the moment it’s over, might be …  half an hour? 

Having a session scheduled (set for a certain time)  would be …um…interesting.

There was a time a few months ago…when we would be in a chat room, and as she was signing off to go to bed, she would tell me “When you come into the bedroom, bring (2 or 3 or 4) implements… “

Which gave me something to think about, the rest of my morning, and on the way home.

And….  I want something resembling a reason, given for the beating.

For MerryTwo and MerryThree, reasons don’t need to be given, nothing more than, “I think you should have it,” whether it’s a daily or a weekly dose.

I really despise  hearing  “This is just for the fuck of it” or “just because I enjoy it”.

Call it  attitude adjustment, call it stress relief (for me or for Her), but call it something.

MerryOne is used for actual punishment, for breaking written rules. She has yet to invoke that, even though She could have, a couple or several times.

So, what the hell do I think it is I want?

To be told, not asked, or getting into a discussion…about a beating.

To have it scheduled, so that it’s not necessarily right now.

To be given some kind of reason.

I’ve been making notes… now that our agreement is up for renewal.

One thing I’m putting in, as about how I process pain.

She’s told me, repeatedly, not to clench my hands / fists.

Sorry, but that’s becoming a hard limit. That is how I want and need to process pain, and if that bothers you, then stay away from my ass.

Perfect scenarios:

Something like, “Toilet seat up!  MerryOne.  1 o’clock, FDAU on my bed.”

Something like, “MerryTwo.  Attitude Adjustment.  8 o’clock. Spanking bench. Bring a paddle.”

Something like, “MerryThree.  Stress relief for both of us.  2 o’clock.  Spanking bench. Bring everything, I’ll choose which ones.”

Cutting this off…for now.