Sat 10.11 Diary

UP  0300  P & S
UP 0715.
Toilet.
Fed the animals.
Made coffee.
Packed up.
Toilet.
Said 'Good bye' to Her, as She slept.
Went to my car.
Came back in to use the Toilet.
Went back to my car, off and rolling 0815.
At work 0850....  immediately went to the toilet.

"Into the frying pan," I told Her by text.  149 rides on a friggin' Saturday... Mostly for a twenty car "Polo" event at Will Rogers State Park...    geez, the fun never stops.

Somehow, DB and I kept it under control.
DB left for the day just before 4;  drivers started clearing off these event jobs around 4:30, and work was fairly smooth after that, under than the numerous calls from affiliates and drivers.

Off 1935, and headed home.
Crunch time on the 101 South...up to the 110 split off, then normal cruising.
Home, 2040.
Inside.
She hugged me, and asked/stated, "You've been smoking...?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Just..angry.."
She stomped off, and I got in the shower, and in another minute, Sunshine was opening the shower curtain, talking to me.
I didn't want dinner, but she told me it would be ready in ten minutes, so I went to the bedroom, and with her help, got the pad and sheets on the bed, and lay down.
She came back in, and announced, dinner is ready.
Clearing the table:
Stitch had moved my stuff from the table, and I could feel bile rising. Whenever he moves my stuff, I cannot find it, or all of it, anyway.
I was looking for the cloth bag, I keep close to a corner, for papers that go to the recycle bucket.  It was stuffed in the corner. That had to be tallship.
I slammed some papers down on the table.
And picked them up, and retrieved the bag, and put the paper in the bag.
Four of us sat at the table.
I said, "Everybody, see that bag. I use it for papers to recycle. I want it left there. It gets moved a lot."
Tallship said, "Oh, it was in the way of my stuff."
I wanted to say,  I should have said
So the FUCK WHAT?
But I didn't.
I went back to the bedroom.
Sleep was not forthcoming.
Thoughts pouring through my head.
Dr Harry often says...I have no idea where he gets his number.... "you have 65000 thoughts through your head a day..."
I felt like, I was having 64000 of them, starting at this time.
I started writing them down.
>aggravated about the conversation dealing with my paper-to-recycle bag.
>aggravated about Stitch moving my stuff from the table, and then I could not find some of it.
>thinking how much at peace I would be, if I were just ... dead.
>feeling STRESS... going to work (traffic), AT work, coming home (traffic)
>futility of calculating my work hours in my head, guessing how much I'll get on my next paycheck
>a vision of Her, entering the room, carrying a paddle, telling me to 'get ready'...and me, telling Her to 'walk away', because if 'I have to get up, I will take the paddle out of your hand, and I won't be held responsible for whatever happens after that
>Forgiveness... what happened?  I'm obviously not been, or being, very forgiving
>So tired, but sleep is just not forthcoming
>I'm just ... pissed off.... I can feel it, all through my abdomen and chest.
>Got up for AlkaSeltzer, noted that ONCE AGAIN dinner dishes had been washed and left in the drainer; I bitched to Sunshine about it, who called in Stitch, and told Stitch to put the dishes in the dishwasher.
>Back in bed, wearing tighty-whities, an a-shirt, and white cotton socks,  I felt like a 'bad little boy' and was yearning to be spanked like one, yet... my BEING was DARING anybody to come in and just TRY.
>Relieved, that it was Sunshine in the other room, because Merry would have been in, trying to talk to me, and I just couldn't deal with it.
>then a longish fantasy about a confrontation with Tallship, that ends with me dressing and packing some clothes, and preparing to leave, while telling Her, "I am leaving, and I will not return until every piece and particle of HIM is out of this house."

I think I dozed.
Next I looked,  2330.
Got up to P&S.
I was in the kitchen, turned around, She was at the doorway, holding the long wooden backscratcher as an implement.'
"Bend over the counter," She said.
"No."
I explained that I was angry...not at Her, by myself, for choices I've made at so many turns in my life.
We hugged, a long time, I went back to bed.
She came into the bedroom, climbed in, and we talked, until 1:11.

HsLS  110
HsLO  156
HsLD  59
H UN  556
Her DO  NO

# CI:  18,  +2 given to drivers,asking =  one pack, done