05.17 Journal She thinks She is failing me but....

From time to time, She thinks She is failing me.
By that, I think that She decides She is not contributing enough to my happiness, my contentment, my enjoyment.
First, let me point out that my own happiness and contentment must come within.  I have to decide for myself to be happy, to be content.
But, environment, and external circumstances can help with that.

I do not believe She is failing me.
Allow me to explain.

She loves me unconditionally.
There is no "I will love you if you..."
There just is no "if".
She loves me UNconditionally.  (As I love Her, but I'm writing this about my benefits in this relationship, not Hers.)

She has brought me out of my 'closet'.
I was so quiet-reserved-shy-introverted.
I still am -- but with Her help, I've become, to some extent, an extrovert, a show-off, and willing to talk about -- things -- my feelings -- etc.

She has given my stability.  
Used to be, I had no particular reason to go home,  even no particular reason to live, other than not being particularly thrilled about the alternative.
No I have a REAL reason to go home -- because She will be there.
And a reason to live-- to be with Her.

She gives me support.
I have -- issues.
Depression, panic attacks...
She understands them, and helps me get through them.
She knows when to offer support, and when to leave me alone.
She looks after my health, when I won't.
She asks me if I'm taking my pills.
She helped me quit smoking.

She's the Top for my bottom ... and more.
She's the Dominant wife, the Strict Mistress, that I so long fantasized about.
She spanks my bottom, just because.
(Just because She likes to, and I like Her to.)
She is not demanding, not strict, not cruel.
(maybe, though, I want Her be, or maybe that's a fantasy rattling in my head, better off left in my head.)

She has taught me that sex is enjoyable.
I have been to bed with carnal intent with five different women, before Her.
With #1 and #4, I could not get an erection.
With #2, it was simply not enjoyable.
With #3, it was enjoyable, early on...  then it felt like it was normal, boring, vanilla - though I did not know the word 'vanilla' in this context, at that time.  My fantasies had taken over my desires,  and I would not talk about them with her, and I much preferred having time along, to masturbate.
With #5, it started out well,  but the fantasies that I tried to lock away in some room in my mind escaped, and I would not talk about them with her,  even though she knew I was a spanko, as she had seen my porn, and in time, I had to keep some spanko fantasy in my head to complete intercourse with her,  and it got to the point where I could get erection ... that lasted just a few minutes, then  disappeared.
Later in the relationship, after declining an invitation to have sex, I would lay next to her, waiting til she went to sleep, and quietly masturbate.
We realized the relationship -- emotional and physical-- was not working. We continued to live together, separately with her upstairs, and me downstairs, until she finally moved back east where she came from, but the result was, I went more than ten years without engaging in intercourse, as I believe she did.
During my period of solitude, I was masturbating compulsively, obsessively, edging myself, stopping, waiting, starting again, until allowing myself release -- and then feeling stupid, and ashamed for wasting so much time.
So, nearly first thing she did, once we got into D/s , was dictate the number of days a week I could masturbate, and dictate the amount of time I could devote to each session, before I had to stop, with or without cumming.
Later on, when we began having sex (the two of us), She dictated NO masturbation at all, unless or until She chose to specifically say otherwise.... but rather,  I was/am permitted to cum as often as I am able during intercourse.
   (Yes, yes, I have broken the no-masturbation rule, and yes, there have been occasions when, during intercourse, She said "STOP"!  But I'm writing about the general rules in play, not the isolated exceptions.)
And ... the intercourse...
OMG!!
Her reaction, when I perform oral...  Her reaction when I mount and enter Her...  That makes it all SO enjoyable for me.  I love it.  Even for the frequent sessions when I do not cum.
She has taught me to  just enjoy sex.

With those other women ...  I would often decline an invitation for sex, just because... I didn't enjoy it.
With Her... I love it.
I will perform oral on Her, just about ANY time She requests it.
Having intercourse... well.... a man has two brains, and one of them controls the penis, and my primary brain has no control over the functioning of the other one.
 I often HAVE to decline intercourse with Her, simply because I'm too tired (sleep-deprived),  physically off (IBS symptoms), or my primary brain won't shut off long enough for the secondary brain to go to work, such as in times of stress, or thinking about work...)

She is a heckuva good cook.
With #3, she was an 'okay' cook, when she tried. I seem to recall, eating fast food, more often than not.
With #4, we quickly found out how different we were, in what we were willing to eat.  So, meals, even when at the same time, were separate.
And for years, I was a bachelor,  eating mostly what worked in a toaster oven or microwave.
She came along, and cooked for me. She loves to cook, and I love what She cooks.
She doesn't like to clean up  afterwards; different topic.

I'm learning domestication
Ask Her about the general state of my apartment, back when She came to visit me.
I think, She'd just roll Her eyes upwards, and whisper, "oh mi god.."
<understatement alert> I wasn't much of a housekeeper..
Because I had no reason to be, nobody around that cared.
When we started D/s, She began giving directives:  "Clean up the kitchen" "Vacuum the upstairs"  etc.
We began living together.
I do the kitchen clean-up when She's done cooking, unless Stitch does it.
I sweep and mop the hardwood floors.
Stitch and I alternate cleaning the bathroom, top to bottom.
None of it feels like a 'chore'.  Yeah, I'd rather be sitting and reading or watching t.v., but I still know these things are good things to do.

Maybe, She thinks the "Poly-" still bothers me
Yes, I've made comments, written and verbal, saying something like, "I still can't believe, you're my wife, I am your husband, we are married...."
Which, She has told me, She finds to be hurtful.
 Well...
I knew about the Poly, from the git-go.
When I met Her, I met Stitch.
No surprises, there.
Our schedules make the Poly, nearly ideal.
I work Sun-Mon-Tues  graveyard, and She sleeps with him.
That's a comfort, knowing She is not home, alone.
As for sleeps or sleeps?
I don't know, and don't care, exactly.
She often tells me when it happens.
She would not tell me if She thought it bothered me, but I've told Her time and again, it does not.
(One morning She was telling me about what happened, not too many hours earlier, and it kind of aroused me).
I'm home  Wed-Thur-Fri-Sat nights.
She sleeps with me, MOST of those nights. (sleeps and sleeps)
She and I also have most DAY time together, while Stitch is at work.
The exceptions to that are Saturdays, and Sundays til I go to work..
And we still manage to work it out.
Her computer is in his bedroom.  She's often on it in the evening,  while I'm ...alone.. in my bedroom, at times I think we should be together.  She offered to move it into the living room, but really, what's the difference? I just need to get it in my head that She is in Her 'study' ...  whether  the study is his bedroom or the dining room,  and on Her computer. No big deal.  If the separation really bothers me, I could just grab a book or my laptop, and go sit next to Her.
I used to gripe that She won't tell ALL Her friends the truth about our relationship.
 I'm over it.   Several know...and ones that don't know ...  well, it's often amusing to think about.
I used to gripe that She won't change Her name.
  Then She offered to.
   And I decided, oh what's the difference. It makes for some surprising minutes, when others who don't know, find out we're married.
That She DOES have Stitch around .... allows me some space.
I have felt smothered... in other relationships...
She allows me self-time, when I say I need it.
She leaves me  alone when it looks like I want to be left alone.
If I said, I wanted to go off and ...oh, I dunno, spent the day playing chess at a Starbucks, I suspect it would be okay with Her.
So, WHY do I say that I feel weird (etc) about calling Her 'wife' or myself 'husband'?
It's NOT the Poly.
It's me, and my mindset.
My ... image ... of a husband-wife milieu is based on what I grew up in, along with some "Ozzy and Harriet", "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver."
Dad works Monday through Friday, and comes home in the evening, in time for dinner, and is off work, home, on weekends and holidays.
Dad comes home, Mom greets him at the door,  tells him dinner will be ready inna minute.

My current circumstances do not readily dovetail into that image.
Which is why, I've felt so strange about declarations of marriage.
Once I can shake a belief that ALL marriages have to fit into THAT box,
I will accept and understand and believe that I am married to Her,
 And I already know that I'm darned happy about it.

HOWEVER 
It's not perfect.
There are activities I want to experience... or, if I have experienced them, I want more such experiences.
Many, or most, of these wants - desires might fall into the category of fantasy.  
I've had many; I have many.
It is not Her responsibility to create a realization for all my fantasies, although She has done a heckuva job in realizing many of them.

In a conversation, after we got home from some place or other, the other night, and were sitting in the car, She said (something like), "You have to realize, this <our relationship> is not about  ... your desires."
Now, hold it.
I've done lots of reading... about D/s and M/s relationships, in which, it is ALL about what She wants, and nothing about what He wants.
THAT does not work for me.  Nor was our relationship intended to be that way.
And, I said, "So.... what THE FUCK am I doing in this relationship?"
So, with just a little back-pedaling, it worked out that what She was saying was,  the relationship is not ALL about my desires, nor is it ALL about Her desires, but what works for the both of us, in some kind of compromise and togetherness.

Well, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Some things, She has been indifferent to, some things She said She's willing to try ... but just hasn't ... yet.
On a scale of I want to do this!  to PLEEEEESE DO THIS!
 but in no particular order,  since I'm composing this as a stream of consciousness,
I present
 What My Heart Wants 

♥ Forced feminization and sissification  
She has known from the beginning, that I like to cross-dress.  I still do, from time to time, if only by wearing women's panties.  It would be a 'thrill' if ... from time to time... She would request-suggest-order me to wear something feminine, prior to going out.

♥♥♥Pegging
She's done it to me, once.
I SO love taking 'it' in the ass.
Gimme a dildo, a vibrator... Mmmmmmm
She has fisted me, about half a dozen times, and seems to think, THAT is what I want.
Ummm....   well.... there comes a point, when it just plain HURTS.
But, the idea of just plain being fucked in the ass...  I get aroused, thinking about it.

♥Enema
I've giving myself, plenty.
But... the image of Her, giving me one, while I'm over Her lap, or bent over somethin'.   Ohhhh

♥♥♥Restrained Enema
Adding to the previous scene... but over the spanking bench, bound at ankle and wrist, an enema administered, and forced to retain it for... however long.    Siiiiiiiiiigh

Restrained for Discipline
♥♥On the spanking bench,  wrists and ankles restrained
♥♥♥On the bed, prone, face down, propped up at the waist,  wrists and ankles restrained, spread eagle
♥Standing upright, facing into the bed,  wrists restrained to the top bars of the bed cage.
♥♥♥FDAU at the edge of the bed,  ankles and wrists in a spreader bar.
♥♥Standing upright,  my package locked into the cock'n'ball pillory, ankles in the metal cuffs,  wrists handcuffed in front of me.
♥My nuts locked in a humbler behind my thighs, bent over a chair.

in Public
 which means, while others watch:
♥♥We've done lots of dungeon play,  but I still have a fantasy about...  either with guests at the house, or at some friends' house,  and for whatever reason, being told to strip for an OTK spanking.

on Video
♥♥♥  OTK ....... We've shot a couple OTK videos, but always via camera on tripod, getting only one view or angle.
I would like to have a separate camera-person, who can get different angles, and use the zoom in/out feature.
♥♥♥   Caning.......... I also really want a video of a British-style caning ...   naked, bent over a chair, with cane stroke following cane stroke... not rapid WHAPWHAPWHAPWHAP but with some seconds in between strokes... while not knowing how many strokes will be forthcoming.

♥♥♥Chastity
We've talked about this, bunches, and I won't detail it here, as it might soon get moved to the OTHER list.

♥♥♥Prostate massaging, milking, edging,   oh my
How many different ways I've fantasized this...
 ... while FDAU, a finger up my butt, just rubbing, in and out, until my fluid starts flowing...
...  Restrained,  Her hand on my penis, stroking and stroking, bringing me to the edge, and stopping..and waiting, then She starts again... and stops..and starts ..and stops...  then waits...then locks the chastity device on....
.... Restrained, bringing me to the edge over and over, then letting me go, and finish, as She lets go of my penis, resulting in a sticky ruined orgasm....

♥♥♥ Masturbation before a spanking ..
I've had a couple spankings post-orgasm.  However, we had to do some clean up first.  (Maybe if I wore a condom...?)
But if I had been edged enough, perhaps, She could require me to masturbate ... to orgasm...  then spank my bottom, up, down and sideways.

Well...
Nothing I mentioned is by any stretch a deal-breaker.
Her failure to do all of these, some of these, one of these, would not constitute a valid reason for me to say, "She's failing me."
She's already been TO me and FOR me, so much more than I dreamed of and hoped for, in my primal fantasies.
All of the above are just so many more fantasies, ones I doubt that I could realize in my real life ... without paying for the experience.
With Her, there's a chance, there's hope.  She has not said, "NO!" to anything I've mentioned.
Fact is, She has a few fantasies of Her own that I've been happy to help Her realize, so far, and others that I will be happy to help Her with when the proper time and circumstances present themselves.
Which are, basically, appropriate words for Her to say to me.
We've been married...what,  eight months.
And just this month, She finished a term of office that required mucho travel on Her part.
Give it some time, dude!

Well, problem with that is, once my fantasies show signs of life, signs of possible realization, I get impatient.
It's like, "Hurry up, already!... Is it Christmas YET?!"

Is She failing me?
Oh mi gosh, no.
She might not be moving fast enough to suit me, though.
...my problem...
But I do tend to repeat 'things' to Her, because I'm familiar with the way Her memory works, or doesn't work, as the case may be,  and sometimes the way I repeat can sound like ... whining, maybe, but it's not intended as such, I'm just trying to keep such things fresh in the memory.
I consider myself blessed,  exceedingly blessed, amazingly blessed,  to have Her in my life, as my Wife.
I see no failure on Her part in our relationship.