05.26 Diary

The morning guy came in around 0530.
Because the regular Monday guy is on vacation, this guy was covering. This guy works the overnight shifts that I do not work, so I don't see him much, for which I am very thankful.
He really rubs me the wrong way.
I was in a relaxed mood before he arrived, but an hour with him had me on edge again.

Out, 0630.
I'd been thinking all night, and I was still thinking and musing and pondering, on the way home.

I considered it, quite possible that She would be of a mind to do something about my outburst, the previous day.
And I knew, I was in NO mood.
When I write about mood, MY mood, I refer to both my physical state, as in how awake or tired I am, and in this case, my emotional state...  which currently was, still...like yesterday, shut down and depressed.
I also considered, with Stitch home for the holiday, maybe She would not be of a mind to, um, go nuts.

And one other little thing kept rattling about in my mind...
the building desire to renounce this whole lifestyle.
..to be part of a run-of-the-mill vanilla married couple (or threesome)(or foursome), with all the usual ups and downs and happy moments and sad moments that go with them...
..and to take all the  FLR-DD or M/s or BDSM trappings and protocols and rules, and pitch them into a back room of the garage.
 And into the dark closet of my mind, where I store all my fantasies.
I continued to ask myself, "Is this working for me?"
My outburst on Sunday... was that the real Me,  or was that a volcanic eruption of stuff that's been building up inside me?
Sometime ago, I unlocked my mental closet of fantasies, and took out the book in which I record them all.
I've gotten to experience some of them.
I've even been allowed to live in a 24/7 lifestyle some of them.
Which leaves me wondering, should I be content with what I have and what I get,
even though I feel the constant yearning for more, 
or should I pitch what I have, be happy with the experiences I did get to have, and put it all back in the closet, and leave it all in the fantasy in my mind's eye?
Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?

I am torn, ripped apart.

I am self-aware enough to know that I am depressed right now, and that I should not be making any major or life-altering decisions...    but this is just the way I feel right now.

Home 0715.
Stitch was up and about, in the kitchen.
I fed the cats, scooped the litter box, and was looking for a statement that She and I had discussed the night before, when She called, on my cell phone.
"Stitch told me you were home, you were supposed to come see me when you got home."
"I'm looking for that statement."
"Oh, okay..."
After a few minutes, I found it.
And half undressed, and went into Her room.
She invited me into bed, and I got in, next to Her.
We talked a bit.
"I can give you a medium spanking, if you like..."
"Um, no."
We continued laying there, until I said, "I need to get up and eat and go to bed."
She released me, and I got up.
..made dinner, ate while reading the newpaper, and in my room, in bed, 0900.
Awake around noon, up to pee, and have milk and cookies.
She was still home, at Her computer.  She and Stitch were going out, sooner or later.
I went back to bed.
Awake around four, needing to pee again, but continued laying there.
She and Stitch returned, around 5, and She came into my room, and lay down next to me, quietly, until about 1740, and we (even) argued about that.
"I just want to lie down next to you a bit."
"Don't wake me up early, my alarm is set for about 6."
"I'm just lying down next to you..."
"I'm just saying, don't wake me up before my alarm."
"I'm not waking you up, I'm just lying down..."
"I'm just saying, don't wake me up, later on..."
"I just want to lie down next to you..."
 Eventually we sorted it out.

She got up, 1740.
My alarm went off, 1755, and I got up, 1803
Toilet...shower...dress...  made coffee,  said good bye, and
in my car 1845.
Nothing like a holiday...at work  1918 or so.
Easy night...  helping my co-worker some, with set up for tomorrow, but no major challenges...
Until 0300, when the phone calls would not stop, for 30 minutes.

HsLS  159
HsLO  336
HsLD  85
H un  395
Her DO  No
Did I offer?  No

from One's Woman's Tips to Make Him a Submissive Male
A nude beach can also be fun. He will be naked, of course, and you should be in your swim suit to emphasize his submissiveness.  Remember, he is shaved, so anyone who sees the two of you walking together knows who is in charge.  How embarrassing would an erection make this? The object hee is to be seen by as many as possible, so walk, don't just sit in the sun. Well, you CAN sit on the beach and enjoy the sun, but not until everyone has seen him naked.

from The House Rules
She is never wrong.

from Scriptures Pertinent to Discipline
Proverbs 23:13  Do not withhold discipline from a child.  If you punish with a rod, he will not die.

05.25 Diary

Awake around 10:30, with Her asking me if I wanted crepes with strawberries, crepes without, or pancakes with strawberries, or without.
I chose pancakes, without.
I groggily sat up,  with Stitch at the door, asking, "How many?"
"Two."
I got up, went to the toilet, opened the front door, picked up the newspaper, put it on the dining room table, went into the kitchen, danced around Her while She was making pancakes to pour some coffee, and She handed me a plate with two cakes on it...and I went to the table and sat down.
Not at my 'usual' place, which has been at the short edge of the rectangular table, facing west, but just around the corner from that spot, to my right, facing south.
I began separating the paper: the parts I wanted to read,  and pulling out the ads I thought of interest to Her, and laid those to my right, where I thought She would sit.
She came to the table to sit there, picked up the flyers I had set aside there for Her, and tossed them back into the pile of newspaper.
"I made a point of setting those aside for you," I grumbled.
"Is it okay with you if I make myself a place to sit down?" She asked and yelled at the same time, in such a voice that I just ... snapped.
"I  don't  give  a  FUCK what  you  do,"  I said, slowly, in a low voice, enunciating each word.
After a quiet moment at the table, I picked up my coffee cup and the comics, and went to my bedroom, intending to read the funnies, and take a nap.
After a few minutes, She appeared at the doorway.
"I want to talk to you, come into the other bedroom."
"No."
"Come to the other bedroom!"
"If you want to talk to me, come in here."
"There is no corner in here for me to put you in."
"NOT going to happen."
She came into the room, sat on the bed.
"My intention is to put you in the corner, then spank you."
"Not going to happen, not today."
"What's ... going on?"
"Something about what you said, the way you said at the table...I just snapped inside, and now my emotional shields are up..."
"Oh.   You sat in my place at the table, instead of where you usually sit. I like that place because of the lighting, and it upset me when you sat there."
"Okay, Sheldon...."
She chuckled.
"Nothing is happening until my shield goes down...certainly not before work today, maybe by tomorrow."
"Okay...what now?"
"I'd like, a nap.  Pancakes make me feel heavy and sleepy."
"Okay."
It was 11:15 or so.
I slept til 1:15...and on to 1:30, when I had to get up, and start getting ready for work.
Toilet, shower, dress, make coffee, pack, toilet again,  remembered that the low-fuel light on my car was on...asked to borrow Her gas card, and did...
In car 14:07, went one mile the wrong direction to get to an appropriate gas station, filled up, and headed for work...
In at 15:07.

A night before a federal holiday..
There were 50 rides for today, I had 89 to look at for tomorrow's set up.
Basically, a non-challenge.

During the conversation in my room, She repeated something She said the day before:
"I am NOT locking you up until you've earned it."
I can see where that might sound ... odd... as a lock-up would often be considered a punishment, but She is making it sound like a reward.
Well, for me, it would be a reward, because... I actually do want it.
However, there have been a LOT of things lately that I want, and I'm not getting.
Right now?  I ... just ... don't... care.



HsLS  135
HsLO  312
HsLD  61
Hun  371
Her DO? no
Did I offer?  no

from One Woman's Tips to Make Him a Submissive Man
Arrange to have him naked, outdoors.  Out in your front yard, or get in the car, go for a ride, have him as the passenger, get undressed, and ride around.  

from The House Rules
If She suspects that He knows the Rules, She must change some or all of them.

from Scripture Pertaining to Discipline
Psalms 89:32  I will visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes.

05.24 Diary

Awake, 0930.
She offered a spanking... I declined.
Up for breakfast and pills and coffee.
And dressed for hard labor.
I started with, trimming the hedges protruding into the driveway, and scratching Her car as She pulled into it.
Stitch came out to rake and bag the clippings, while I went down the sidewalk, to start trimming back the thorny red bushes with red flowers that were growing out into the middle of the sidewalk in various places.
Stitch started to rake and bag the clippings, and once I was done with the shears, I joined him, until it was all bagged or boxed.
Then I began the fence-painting project, with Stitch's help.  I painted the outside of the fence, while he painted the same parts of the inside.
There are main posts, that are implanted into the ground with a number of pickets in between, and each section from post to post, is about 8' long.  We painted the front gate, and five sections.  I counted another five sections remain on the south side of the house, and nine sections to be painted on the west side, and I don't know how many along the northwest corner, or even if I can get to those, as they are covered by trees.
Anyway, this project will take a while.
She went out shopping while we were painting.
It was a very overcast, almost gloomy, day, and we called it a 'wrap' just before 5 pm, and I gathered up the supplies, and went about clean- and wash-up.
Exhausted, I sat down in my chair, and closed my eyes.
After a bit, She came in the front door.
"You guys DEAD or what?  I've been honking out front, need help with this stuff..."
I got up, and Stitch came in behind me, and we went to Her car, and toted in groceries and other supplies.
I assisted in putting the stuff away, and sat back down.
Then She sat down in Her chair, and started to doze off.
I called Mom, and left another message.
She called back, twenty minutes later, and we talked a bit.
Then I tried to nap a bit more,  but sleep was not coming.
I got up, while She continued sleeping, and began my next project...
Putting up curtain rods...  over the kitchen window, over the kitchen door window,  over the dining room window, and finally over the front door window.
Done with that,  and I took a long hot shower.
Then I sat at Her computer, and began another task She requested of me: to register my numerous accounts on the computer, in such a way that She could log into them whenever.
With that accomplished,  I put together dinner, and excused myself to the bedroom, to eat and watch Nurse Jackie.
I watched two episodes, and was about to return my t.v. tray to the kitchen, when She started to come into the room, and She took my tray, and dropped it off, then came to the bedroom.
I had the tv tuned to SNL, as something that I would not pay any attention to, and She got in bed, and changed the channel to an old episode of Dexter,  and fell asleep around 0100.

Getting friendly?
My head is just not there.
Keepng busy, I keep moving.
Once I stop to give myself a chance to think,
 I feel stress or depression.

HsLS  111
HsLO  288
HsLD  37
Hun347
Her DO  No
Did I offer No

from One Woman's Tips to Make Him a Submissive Man
Nudity.  HIM naked, you dressed.  At awkward times, odd times, whenever you like, when he leasts expects it.  If he doesn't usually sleep naked, he should now. He should be naked anytime he is in your bedroom.  At some point, bring him to every room in the house, naked.  Lead him ..naked...by his cock to each and every room, so that all will hold memories of your control.

from The House Rules
He cannot possibly know ALL the rules.

from Scriptures Pertinent to Discipline
Proverbs 23:14  Punish them with a rod, and save them from death. 

5.23 Diary

Channel surfing, She found a bizarre movie called "Teeth",  about vagina dentata.
I watched it with Her, and we went to sleep, 0230.

One might ask...or rather, She might ask, or even, She HAS asked, why am I not showing any kind of inclination towards 'getting friendly'?

THIS is going to be a recurring theme over this weekend, during which we had no plans or events or dinners or parties, so we were home, together, quite often, and yet.......

Well...quite simply, my current financial crisis has me paralyzed.
I can get through things that are more like an auto-pilot, whether it be driving, or physical labor, or some such, but when I'm left alone to my thoughts... I freeze, I panic, or ...
I am simply becoming depressed, to the point of not caring.

Awake 0930.
I went to the toilet, fed the animals,  and She told me to come bedside, and get over Her lap... with my shorts off.
I did so, and She briskly applied ten smacks of a hairbrush to to each of my buttocks, four sets in all.
Then She said, "So, I was thinking,  all that other space in the other bedroom, I think I want the spanking bench moved in there.  Get on it."
I got up, and dutifully slid the spanking bench from a corner of the dining room, to an open spot in the other bedroom.
She watched, and said, "Get on it."
Still naked, I knelt on the bench.
She came up behind me, holding the zombie killer paddle.  
She applied 40 swats with it.
Then she left the room, and returned with the zombie killer pizza paddle,  similar to the other one, but wide and square, rather than long and skinny, and applied 40 smacks with it.
 'It' was INTENSE.
She even asked me, "You want me to not use it anymore?"
Well, no.  "Intense" is a good thing.  Better something I can feel, than something I'm bored with.
She took a bunch of pictures (at end of this post), and we started moving around,  getting dressed, drinking coffee, then went out to my car, to run a bunch of errands.
First to my workplace, to get my paycheck.
Then back home, because She wanted to use OUR toilet.   (51.5 miles)
Then, to the AAA office in LB (63 miles) to get new tags for Her car, and to get our separate memberships combined onto one.
Then, we drove through a BoxedJack;
Then, on to the VZW store near the LW mall,  where we combined our separate cell phone plans into one family plan.
Then, around the corner from there,  a branch of Her bank, to deposit my check, and some supermarket shopping.
Then, another stop at another market on the way, because eggs were cheaper there...
And home  (71 miles,  18:00)
Got the groceries in.....   I put my laundry, that I had done yesterday, away....
Cleaned the chamber pot ...   called Mom, left a voicemail....
Gave Cookie a bath....
Then dinner...
And I excused myself to my room to watch Nurse Jackie.
I watched two episodes...
And must have fallen asleep around 23:00.

Still, no sex, no thoughts about it. My mind is just not 'there'.

HsLS  87
HsLO  264
HsLD   13
HunL   323
Her DO  No
Did I offer?  No

from One Woman's Tips to Make Him a Submissive Man
Tease him. Deny him.  Keep him in a constant state of orgasm-denial.  He must learn to state when he is ready to cum, and ask you to stop. He must learn to masturbate for you, and stop.  Forbid all unsupervised masturbation.  He may only cum with your permission.  

from The House Rules
The Rules are subject to change anytime at all.

from Scriptures Pertaining to Discipline:
Proverbs 22:15  Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.

05.22 Diary

I slept and slept and slept...did not even get up once to pee.

But I slept way too late to get to textbook study class at the Center.

She was heading for a lunch meeting,  and went out the door, and came back, asking for help.

Dead battery on Her car.  Second, maybe, third time, in the last week.

Not much I could do.  She called and cancelled the appointment, and called AAA to come out.

I was up.. had coffee, a snack, took my pills, washed all the dishes and pans from last night's dinner and cleaned the kitchen...

And began the final phase of painting the front porch.

AAA came, and replaced Her battery, and She went to some Box to get something quick to eat... and brought me back an iced coffee.  

Which I had two sips of, and spilled the rest, leaving me with two more sips.

I finished the porch, and cleaned up.

Then I swept the living room and kitchen, emptied the dishwasher..

I helped Her a little with cleaning Donna's kennel and bed...

Then I showed Her the new silicone CD that came in two days ago, and told Her a piece of financial bad news, which we discussed a few minutes.

Then I stripped, and took a shower.

Afterwards, She was in the other bedroom, at Her computer, while I was sitting in the living room, at my computer... and She was shouting questions....and calling me in, for this or that.

I expressed annoyance, and She said, "I offered to move the computer into the living room..."

I nodded, and we started doing just that.

Less than an hour later, we had Her computer desk, computer, printer, etc, set up in the living room.

She realized, now She had room in the bedroom to acquire a dresser, or two, and would be able to put away ALL Her clothes.

And She spent some time online looking for dressers and the like, while we went back and forth into the bedroom, taking measurements.
Then we had dinner.
And I excused myself to the bedroom, to watch Fargo, while She continued sitting at Her computer.
Fargo ended, and I started channel surfing, and found 'Independence Day' about 1/3 of the way on, and watched that til it ended, around midnight.
Then I went out to see if She was ever coming to bed.
Some kinda miscommunication there, as She said She was waiting on me, while I was waiting on Her.
Anyway, She came to bed around midnight.

HsLS 63
HsLO  240
HsLD  62
HunL 299
Her DO ?
Did I offer?  No

from One's Woman's Tips to Make Him a Submissive Man

Finger Fuck him. Make it a habit to put your finger in his ass.  Move on to plugs...dildos... vibrators... and a strap on. 

from A Dozen Household Rules

She makes the rules.

Scriptures pertaining to Discipline

1 Corinthians 4:21  What do you prefer, shall I come to you with a rod of discipline, or shall I come in love with a gentle spirit?