Oct 8

...Off work at 0600 or so, and tired as bugfuck.
By that I mean, sleepy tired, eyes not staying open tired...
So I went out to my car, and sat in it with my eyes closed until 7:30, then I felt  alert enough to make the drive home... arriving a bit before 0830.

There have been predictions of rain for the next day, and I had boxes of stuff (books, comics, personal) scattered throughout the backyard, that I wanted/needed to move into cover, or cover up...and I set about doing that.
And I continued the unpacking process..... 
Until I had ...oh... 98% of my personal belongings in my room.
I still have a great deal of sorting and rearranging to do, but at least now I have a reasonable idea of where everything is.
She was asleep when I first got home, and I kissed Her hello, and She woke up for a minute, then I let Her be,  and She woke up a bit later, started watching what I was doing, then left me alone to continue.
When I was some 90% done, She came into my room, saying that She was bored of waiting for me to finish, and might She wait for me in here, and I said, Sure....
In about a minute, I was having trouble with things falling down from where I put them,  and She asked something like, "Did you break it?" and as I was answering, something else fell, and She asked some other question, I snapped, "I didn't break anything, and I'd be fine if I could concentrate on THIS and not answer you at the same time...."
Which was enough for Her to sit up with a hurt look on Her face, and leave my room, and go back to Hers.

I finally finished, and then went about putting together my lunch...or breakfast...or dinner, whatever the hell I call my daily meal.
It was ...like 12:30, 1300 when I finished, and reclined on the bed for sleep.

I woke up an hour later, with Her next to me, getting friendly.
I apologized for snapping at Her earlier,and She accepted it.
Her right hand was rubbing my cock through my pants, making a semi-erection not semi anymore.
She pulled down Her Tighty Pinkies,  and pulled down my tights and briefs, and got on top of me....
and we began fucking in Female Superior.
After a bit, She got off me, on Her back, inviting me onto Her, and I got my pants the rest of the way off my ankles so I could get between Her legs.... and we continued fucking ....
Until..... I CAME... AGAIN... (2nd consecutive day) inside Her.
(My mental image at the time.... a drawing of a naked man, standing ready at the entrance of the room, the woman seated, holding hairbrush,  caption something like "ready for his daily spanking")
Then I slipped down, between Her thighs, to slurp out Her juice mixed with my cum from Her pussy.

 Then it was time for some post-sex chocolate....   then sleep.
Such as it was, since it must have been  14:00?   or so....
And up again at 17:45.

And a shower.... (with Her, as She was getting ready to go out to a Munch...)
Then out to the car, and off to work.

So, that's what HAPPENED... (more or less)...
Now, how do I FEEL?
Well, tired....
Beyond that, I be ...confused. 
I don't want to write TOO much, because I am so tired that I'm not thinking clearly..... but maybe some ramblings will at least help me figure out what the issues are....
I am currently UNcollared, as you might remember from yesterday's post.
Since being Uncollared, I've cum , inside Her, Twice, maybe 24 hours apart,   which is remarkable in that it's only the 2nd and 3rd time, that it has happened at all.
Is it because I've been able to relax, now that.... the stress of the events from getting married on weekend to going to Chicago the next to moving into a house the next... is over?
Or is it because I am Uncollared, and that when I was a collared slave, I did not feel it a proper position for me to be doing the fucking? 
Speculation, I really have no idea right now.
Plus, I really DO miss the ... the.... well.... the beatings....
I had a mental image of.... prior to our wedding....coming home to a woman, waiting for me ... sitting in a chair...or standing at the door,  holding a hair brush, bath brush, paddle, with a ... grin on her face, saying..'Get your clothes off..." 
Well, THAT sure hasn't happened yet.
Hell, when WAS the last 'beating' that wasn't just a few minutes of swats with ..whatever was handy?
There was a brief bit in Chicago...   and a different bit of fun on our wedding night...
At any rate, it's been awhile....
And She has reiterated, even today, "I am STILL a sadist...even if you are not still a masochist..."
Well, I didn't say THAT , exactly, or at all.
I did say, that I did not 'enjoy' bites or whacks with a clothes hangar, when my mind was in THAT set.
Now, I believe my mind is out of that set, and ready to again enjoy ....  some good ol' masochism.

Maybe.

I have been avoiding the 'question' of the collar, intentionally.
The question being, do I miss it, do I want it back....   etc...

Well....  first the backstory...
I accepted this contract because...
...LOTS of reasons,  , here's one...
I wanted ..security...  the feeling that, once I got into this relationship, I wasn't going to be dropped when the other person found something better.
SO, marriage took care of that.
In the course of the marriage, and moving, many of the provisions of the contract went 'out the window'.
...including sex, and decision making, etc ...
So, She revised it, to make adjustments for us being married, etc, and I've been reading it, and I've been wondering...
What the Fuck was I thinking , when I originally signed this?

On reading, and re-reading, there are sentences and provisions I have REAL problems with such as: 
"....the right to determine whether others can use his body and what use they may put it to..." 
           DO WHAT NOW?

"....she may take actions to silence him....."
        I repeat, DO WHAT NOW?

".... will not disagree with Mistress for any reason..." 
     WHAT IF SHE'S WRONG??

So maybe (maybe.....) this kind of slavery is not my ideal lifestyle choice.
To that  person that I most expect to read this:  Do you want (need) a SLAVE, or would a "submissive", as in, the one to whom you are married,  one who really wants to wear Your collar AS a submissive (for now) ...be sufficient, to fulfill Your needs for a partner in a BDSM lifestyle?

How about a Female Led Domestic Discipline relationship?
  She would be in charge of the house, of ...anything...  have the final word...  dole out discipline as She wishes....
  Or as married D/s.... She IS the Dominant, I am Her submissive...that has not overall changed, there have just been some temporary shifts.

I have taken back SOME control of my life, trying to get this house in some order... or at least, my room, as the rest of the house has a lot of work yet to be done,  in whatever manner or order of operations that She sees fit.
But I am ready to give it (the control.) back to Her, if She shows a willingness and desire to take it from me.