6.01 Journal

A wasted weekend

101 hours off, from the time I got home to the time I left home, during which I rarely got out of bed, slept as may hours  as I didn't, and watched 20+ hours of television.

One way to look at it:  thirty such weekends coming up this calendar year.

Another way: I accomplished nothing on my list ...things I wanted to do, things I really didn't want to do, but either way,  I accomplished none of them.

I did not have sex, or even had the desire to have sex... with my wife...since Wednesday, the start of this weekend.
And no BDSM play since...  well, it's been over a week.

WTF happened?

"It"  started, when I learned that my checking account was frozen.
It seemed to me, chickens are coming  home to roost,  and seeds, planted by my inactions long ago, were sprouting.

And I headed into depression...and escapism, trying to avoid it all.

I was on the way there (a cave of Depression and Escapism).... and the after-burners came on,  when She told me on Wednesday, "Tomorrow, we are going to get on the phone on take care of this."
She was with me the last time this happened, and it took a while, a couple hours, to get the right person on the phone, but we got it fixed.
Maybe, She thinks, that's all it will take this time.
I happen to know that what needs to be taken care of will not be taken care of one the phone, that this is not just one year of troubles, but six years or so, with two agencies.
I did not want to deal with it.
Along with that emotional distress, I was feeling the very real physical symptoms of  stomach pains and sharp headache, that emerged Wednesday
          ...which I believe is from nicotine withdrawal.
That might be a shock to somebody that I've telling all along, despite Her frequent inquiries, that I have not been smoking.
But I have.
Nowhere near the quantity that I smoked before I met Her, which was nearly a pack a day
But rather,  I've been smoking "OPs", (other people's),  like 5 or 6 cigarettes per shift at work,  purchased from a co-worker (purchased, that is,  when I was embarrassed by 'bumming' so many.)
In conjunction with using e-cigarettes.
While taking Chantix.
And smoking actually aggravates my stomach when I've been taking Chantix.

SO...I  came to work Tuesday,  and told Her, "Please, do not give me anymore."
"Um, okay."
I had decided to quit, but picked a really bad time.
Now, it's easy for me to not smoke, while at home.
The primary triggers for cigarette desire for me are: driving, or just being at work, or being under stress.
I can remember first going to munches, alone, not knowing anybody... and chain smoking all the way there, and having one outside the venue, before going in.
Or going, along, to classes at the BoD, spending most of the time outside, smoking.
Anyway, the more stress I feel, the more I want a cigarette.
And I've been under a heckuva lot of stress, this past couple weeks.
So...I quit... and I looked up symptoms for nicotine withdrawal:
"Withdrawal from nicotine, an addictive drug found in tobacco, is characterized by symptoms that include headache, anxiety, nausea and a craving for more tobacco."

Duh.

Observation:  my collar chain broke again, the second such chain.  I found on the bed the tags from the chain and now they are on Her desk, and She is in no hurry to get 'em back on me, and wrote on Her blog  "I don't feel that he's been acting worthy of the collar."  I really can't argue with that statement.

Observation: (after a rude outburst from me on May 25) She mentioned that She used the Random Spanking Selector to generate a punishment, and is saving it for when I'm ready.... to which I continually think, "If. If. If. If."

Observation: She has written several blog entries while 'this' has been ongoing, and repeats Her belief that our BDSM relationship has only been suspended, and that I will ready to return to it, soon enough.
  I only wish, I could be so sure of that.

Observation: During one piece of pillow talk,  She casually mentioned, that 'when' I'm ready to get back into D/s, that we might possibly use a contract of some kind.  I have no idea where She is going with that. I mean, contracts have worked so well for us, up to now.   (sarcasm intended)

Observation:  The way I feel right now ...
 ...emphasis on 'right now'.   Feelings ARE subject to change, or did you know that already?
  ... right now is ...  I just don't want to bare my bottom to let my wife, or anybody, beat on it.
I don't want to be at the mercy of another person's whims and orders and commands and demands.
I just wanna be ... left alone.
I am still interested in all the aspects of BDSM that ... I have been interested in.   I'm just not interested in partaking of them, in 'real life'.  I'm currently content to leave them all in the fantasy world going on in my head.