6.30 Journal WHERE'S THE FOOD?

I was at a munch, and one person was relating that, some years ago,  she was in a conversation with another adult, with her kids within earshot, and she used the expression, "WTF?"  One kid asked, "What does WTF mean?"   And her quick-thinking response was, "It means... where's the food?"
Which lead to an embarrassing moment at a some restaurant, when the service was a bit slow, and the kids started shouting, "WTF!  WTF! WTF!"
Anyway,  hence, the title of this entry.

And I should finish 'WTF' with  "...is the matter with me, anyway?"

To explain:

I am in deep lust with the idea of spanking, or rather, being spanked.

I obsess on the idea.  I get aroused by it.  I am constantly cruising porn on the internet, looking for more fuel for my fantasies.
I hang out in spanko chat rooms. I post on EP, stories about my spankings.

Often, during intercourse I have a visual going through my mind of getting some kind of spanking, as it seems to increase my chances of cumming during the act.

So why oh why have I declined,  even flat out refused,  recent opportunities or offers to have my buttocks beaten by the woman I love, and who loves me?

In some ways, sometimes, it seems like self-spite, self-destruction,  denying myself a piece of enjoyment and fun.

But another part of me  wants our relationship clearly defined.
We could just be play partners, getting together for S&M fun,  like we did 13 months ago.

But if we are real, whether we are  D/s or M/s or FLR+DD,  then She shouldn't be asking me about spanking me, She should be telling me.
She tried something like that, the other day,  by telling me to get out the spanking bench.
I thought it amazingly thoughtless of Her, considering I just finished 8 hours at work, after getting 90 minutes of sleep for a shift that I did not know I was working until a couple hours before....  and we had an interview to go to, in a couple hours, so why the hell was she telling me to get the bench out, instead of telling me to go and get some sleep? Seems to me, a Mistress should pay attention to such things.

At any rate, She is not going to be telling me about spankings,  until we become clear on our dynamic.
Correction.  She might try to tell me about a spanking.
Heh.
AND, it rubs me the wrong way when She asks me if I want one.
My thought is,  If I actually WANT a spanking (from Her) then She must not be doing it correctly.

So, I do not want to let on that I  want a spanking, even if it's funishment, as it almost certainly would be.
And our dynamic is too undefined for me to submit to a spanking, whenever She demands it.
So, what's a spanko to do?

Porn.
Chat rooms.
Posting stories.
Etc.