My confession

I have been cigarette-smoking for the last 18 days, counting today... my last one being shortly before I arrived home, just before 0700, today  11/6.
I did not PLAN for that one to be my last one; I had fifteen in the pack that I left in the car, after I arrived home

Prior to this, my last cigarette was in the morning hours of Sept 12th.

THAT was SUPPOSED to be my FINAL cigarette,  ever.

Then, THIS happened...
   Full details are on my blog post  "OCT 20"  but I'll copy/paste the relevant section here:

"And I went to (arrived at) work, arriving 19:15, and sent Her a text.

She responded, saying, "Just got home, how was the party....?"

I replied, saying that I sent to Her, emails about it.

She...went ballistic, something along the lines of "WTF were you thinking....."

Then, "I need to talk."    Which is bad, for me.   If She says, "We need to talk," it's okay.  If She says, "I need to talk," it's not good.

Then, "..you WILL be talked to, and possibly punished."

Then, "...you are not permitted to speak to/email ANYONE until further notice."

So, now, I'm upset and angry as .... all get out.

YES I should have consulted with Her before I initiated any contact.

    I do have a certain lack of impulse control, and I saw no harm in .... seeking more information.

   Once I acquired that information, I lost interest.

BUT  If I had not told Her about it, She would never have known...at all. Period.

I could have (should have) said nothing, because nothing happened, nothing came of it. It was an email exchange that lasted 10 minutes.  Nothing happened.

Now, She is 'pissed' and I'm 'pissed' because She is pissed (about something that She wouldn't know about if I didn't tell Her)."

My stress level broke the meter measuring it... and I was pissed...and I took a break from work, and went out and bought a pack of cigarettes.

And I've been smoking ever since (up to today0.... on the way to work, at work, on the way home from work.

Since I'm OCD about stupid shit, I've kept track of my daily cigarette intake, and here it is:

10/20 ...8.. work PM...

10/21...13  work AM/PM

10/22...14...work AM/PM

10/23...14...work AM/PM

10/24..   9...work AM

10/25 ...15   work PM

10/26...10... work AM

10/27...  4.... work PM  

10/28...23.... work AM/PM

10/29...19.... work AM/PM

10/30... 18 ... work AM/PM

10/31...  8 ... work  AM

11/01 ..  11 ... work PM

11/02 ...  16  ..work AM

11/03 ...  5   ...work  PM

11/04 ...  18 ... work  AM/PM

11/05 ...  26....work  AM/PM

11/06 ...  16... work AM .... and PM (but no cigarettes)

I do not remember which day, but early on when I started up,  

  I would go home and carefully? shower with body wash, and gargle, and brush my teeth, but MM still commented on how I smelled like cigarette smoke.

I started blowing off the comment by saying, "Oh there are smokers in my office...."

Each day, She was noticing, and commenting, progressively more.

I started blaming it on one guy, EJ,  because he chain smoked.

According to Her, it was so bad this morning....  

  that I promised I would talk to him, next time I work with him, Monday, and tell him to stop...slow down...or put a fan on me.....    find some remedy.

The truth: nobody in my dispatch department smokes.

My co-workers ... in dispatch... know that I quit (back in September).

As do my parents...

As do a few friends/contacts on FL.

As does my brother-in-law, Stitch.

And of course, and most importantly, my Mistress - wife knew. In fact, She facilitated my non-smoking, and would not have asked me to marry Her if I was not amenable to smoking cessation before we got married.

Of those, the only ones that have noticed (seen) me smoking again....  are

MS, SR, and EJ.

MS:  "Smoking again?"

me :  "Yep."

MS:  "Why?"

me:   "Stress."

MS:   "Oh."

The first time I smoked in front of SR... as I pulled out the pack and a lighter, I looked at her and said in a low quiet voice, "Don't .. say .. a ... word."

And she turned back to her word, and has not ... said a word about it, since.

EJ is ... intimidated by me.  He's very new, I'm ...well, not so new.  

He was really new when I was going through smoking cessation, and finally quitting, so he might not even remember, so me smoking around him may simply be nothing unusual to him.

Today, Merry busted me on it.

She was (is...?) hurt ... disappointed ...  ANGRY ...  hurt ... hurt.... 

Hurt, that I would not tell Her the truth, despite all the opportunities She gave me, when She commented about smelling smoke on me.

Angry, for the same reason.

Disappointed, for the same reason.

Hurt...Angry...Disappointed... that I lied about it, time and time again.

Merry, 

  I am sorry.

  So very sorry.

 Please know, there was NO intent on my part to hurt you.

 Please try to understand about addiction.  

 And about stress-coping mechanisms, especially mine. 

I am so glad you DID find out.  

    What transpired afterwards will appear in a different post.

Every cigarette I smoked... felt like I was adding a chunk of GUILT onto my soul.

Yet I could not, or would not, stop ... on my own.

Well, it's over now.

I feel some better for ... being done with it.

 I'm jonesing badly for a cigarette, right now,  but I expect I'll be living with that feeling for some time to come.

You have forgiven me.

But, you still need time to process it, by talking about it.

Which means, I'll be hearing about it, for ...some time to come.

Which is, as it should be.