As a result of that, I stopped on the way to work for a pack of cigarettes.
Not that smoking really made a big difference, I am getting my nicotine from e-cigarettes...this was more of a rebellion, doing the one thing that I know She REALLy does not like, even detests.
I had 8 cigarettes on the miserable commute to work, but it was enough time to mentally work through my anger, and figure out that what I perceived as "punishment" was ...discipline.
Once at work, I gave away the rest of the cigarettes.
Later was a discussion...argument....in which She asserted that I could have, should have....called Her before I bought the cigarettes, or called Her after I got to work to tell Her about the smoking....
Well, I did not do that, but rather, waited til I was leaving work that morning to send Her an email telling Her that "I smoked". My reason: that She has told me that emails in the middle of the night have woken Her up. I was trying to avoid that. She called that a 'flimsy excuse', using the same words to describe other things I said.
She wasn't awake when I got home, as She had to get up just when She was going to sleep, to take R to work, as it was a rare rainy morning.
I entered Her room, and She was not readily waking up, so I left Her a note, and left Her alone.
After a while, I got a call from Her little-S, asking me to come into the room.
I did, we talked, I told her about the smoking, and in a moment, S was gone, and I was talking to J, and it was not a happy conversation.
During this conversation, She called me 'self willed', 'stubborn' and 'rebellious'.
Eventually, I went to have dinner, and to sleep.
She was out when I got up, as She had to go get R from work...and called to let me know, they were stopping other places, so She would not be home before I left for work.
I went on to work....
And read Her blog posting "On calling Bullshit" and a status on FL She posted having to do with 'trust given freely only once, then has to be earned."
All, evidently pointed at me.
So, I'm thinking about....being labeled "self willed", "stubborn", "rebellious", "Insensitive", "flimsy excuse giver", "Un trustworthy" or "less trustworthy", something like that......
Hr Since Last O 230
Hr since last attempt 120
Hr since last D 39
Hr locked up 54 1/2
Nov 22
So, I made the decision that I needed time...to figure out just ...what the fuck is going on...with me.
I made arrangements with a friend....well, my only friend really....
and I went home, and first did chores, and then I did not take the usual shower, and present myself to Her naked, but went into Her room, and woke Her, and said, "I need time to think about ...stuff.... away from you, I can go stay with a friend for awhile, or I can stay here, in my room, if you can leave me alone, and pretend I'm not here. Your choice."
She chose for me to stay here, and I did.
I had my meal, and watched an SVU, and started taking some notes....
And I slept.
A lot.
I think I went to sleep around 10:30 or 11:00, and did not wake up much at all through the course of the day or the night.
Hr Since Last O 254
Hr since Last Att. 144
Hr since Last D 63
Hr In C 78 1/2
Nov 23
I finally started waking up 10:00 or so.... and continued with my notes.
I figured out:
I can be self-willed and stubborn and rebellious....when I believe that some decision is just wrong.
I can be insensitive.... because I don't know how to be different; being sensitive is something I need to learn, I want to learn.
Flimsy excuses? I really don't think my excuses were ..flimsy at all. I'm prepared to argue THAT one, all day long.
Less trust-worthy? Well, that has to be Her judgment, and it's just up to me to prove otherwise.
A big thing I figured out.....
I just don't like the word 'slave'; I don't like it attached to me, I don't like when She uses it as me.
In later conversations, She has told me, when She calls me 'slave', it's will all due respect, but... the
connotations of the word, what it has meant throughout history.....
Labeling myself 'slave' bothered me from the beginning, from when the first M/s contract was produced, in mid June.
I told Her even then, I did not like 'slave'...but I swallowed it, accepted it.
But ever since then, it's been like a paper cut in the webbing of my fingers.
I have not been able to come up with a reasonable substitute.... submissive? but She later said, that submissive was not ...strong enough to indicate all the slave's attributes.
Meanwhile, I began tinkering with our Mistress/slave contract.
She and I had already reached an informal agreement about my desire for a Strict Wife.
I decided to try restructuring the contract to one indicating a Female Led Domestic Discipline relationship between Wife and husband.
Meanwhile, in the course of the day, I started with a soak in the hot tub, while Little-S joined me.
After a shower, I took my car to a Firestone for a long over due oil change and service, and Little-S went with me.
We returned; She went to take a nap, I went for another soak in the tub.
After that soak, J was awake, and .. I was ready to start talking.
After awhile, most of, if not all, our differences were resolved..
She agreed to take my contract revisions...under advisement.
She agreed to drop 'slave', and suggested 'slub'.as a substitute, while I suggested 'subhub, or subbyhubby. I'm not sure if slubhub was suggested.
At any rate, I have no pressing desire to go changing existing profiles or statuseseses. (stati?)
All I really ask, is that She not refer to me as 'Her slave', directly or indirectly.
Then, She and R went out to pick up Her 4th son, D, to bring him home, spend the night, to go to service with us in the morning.....
I went for another soak in the hot tub.
..was showering when they all returned.
Was working on the revisions, as dinner was being prepared.
She told me, She was NOT going to sleep with me that night.
(FWIW, our protocol is for Her to sleep with me, on my nights home from work...and right now, I only have two nights home from work. Friday night, was my choice to not be with Her, and this night was Her choice to not be with me.....)
Earlier in the evening, She had suggested the possibility of taking me into the garage for a bit of Discipline, at some point.
(Her son, D, is ...to the best of our knowledge, unaware of our BDSM activities, and since we have been told that noise carries quite well throughout the house, it would be necessary to go into the garage, in order to not be heard...)
Anyway, the vision of a trip to the garage had me a little jittery in anticipation.
Well...I was already in bed, under covers, at about 11pm or so, when She came in, and asked, "You wanna spanking?"
"Um, no, a little sleepy."
Oh well.
Hr since Last O 278
Hr since Last att. 168
Hr since Last D 87
Hr IC 102 1/2
Nov 24
Up 07:30
She and I had decided, we wanted everybody up at this time, as we'll try to be in the car and rolling at 0900.
I was up first, and hit the shower first, and then went about chores of feeding the animals, etc.
And slowly, the others started getting up, and getting ready.
I had vague notions of getting a pre-church spanking, as has been in my fantasies, but apparently, it wasn't on Her mind.
We were in my car at 09:15, and seated for the 10:00 service at 09:50
Rev A came to us to say hello.
J had a brief discussion with her about an upcoming appointment, and it was enough to highlight a very basic difference in our religious/philosophical beliefs.
After service, we went across the street to the supermarket.
She sent the boys down to a coffee shop to be out of our way, and we went on in.
$210,spread over three credit cards later, we checked out, and had an argument... or lack of communication thingee... that seems to happen to us, often.
I wanted to grab a coffee from the SBx kiosk that was, oh, 30 feet away from where we had checked out, and I told Her so. She said, "I'll take the cart to the car, and start unloading."
"Just wait for me??"
"I'm just trying to save time..."
"Look, it's right over HERE..."
In a huff, She followed me to the kiosk. I saw one guy working, with three people waiting, and decided it wasn't that important, and kept on going out the door.
The boys joined us, and we went to the car.
She virtually insisted on going to get me a mocha latte or something, but I emphatically said, "No!"
Evidently, there were some hurt feeling here, until we managed to sort it out, such as She was not aware of the in-store kiosk, and thought I meant going to the SBx at the far end of the shopping center., nor had She noticed the length of the line, and my reason for refusing to have one was base solely on that, and deciding I might as well hold onto the 4 or 5 dollars.
Home, and unloading and unpacking groceries.
Then She asked me if I wanted to go with Her to take D home....or should She have R go with Her, and just leave me alone until my time to go to work?
Quite honestly, I had desires that included a hot, stinging bottom (mine) but I also thought I could use some rest, and I said, "Um, go with R, and leave me alone."
After a second, She called R into the room.
"I'm making a selfish decision. I want to have some quality time with Shilo. R, please ask D if he's willing to stay through dinner, and THEN we'll take him home."
D agreed to that, and She and I had quality time....
The first hour or so consisted of.... Her napping on the bed, next to me, as I finalized revisions on the contract, and caught up on mail....
Then I woke Her, saying, "Ready for the tub?"
And quickly, we were naked, soaking in the hot tub.
She amused Herself by groping my cock through the cage, and my balls around it, and arranging Her bottom so that the jets aimed right ...between Her legs.... and we made a brief attempt at an in-the-tub spanking with me over Her lap, but it did not work well....
Then we got up, and out, and went in, and showered...and suddenly it was Little-S showering with me...
And I returned to my room, dried, and ready to try for about an hours' nap.
Then J came in, and lay down next to me....and we talked a bit.... about the contract, about 'slave' versus 'slub' and so on....
THEN She asked, "You feel up to getting naked?"
So, in my previous, non-BDSM relationships, a question such as that is an invitation to have sex.
Not so, here.
I always receive my discipline, naked.... and so, She was asking me if I felt up for receiving Discipline, ie getting a beating.
Damn. My heart and my head were screaming, "Hell yes!"
But...
I just don't like being given a choice. (Nor do I ever want to ask for a spanking.)
I understand, this whole weekend was a little bit , or a lot, off kilter.
She was being respectful, very respectful, of me, my desires, my need, if it existed, to rest before work..
Let's be clear: She enjoys beating my butt....and other parts of me. I enjoy having Her beat my butt, and some other parts, sometimes.
She beats me, and I suffer the beatings, because we both enjoy it.
Others watching would probably call it hardcore punishment or discipline, if they were not in the know.
And yes, it hurts! I often have to grit my teeth, or grab something with my hands, moan a bit, concentrate on breathing... but when all is said and done, and my bottom is achy and stinging....I love it, I just fukkin love it.
But, I just don't like being given a choice.
If I'm given a choice ("Do you want a spanking?"), to say 'yes' is an admission of my masochistic self.
And I'm still mentally buried deep in my earliest fantasies, of boys/men being spanked ...to tears, to having bright crimson red bottoms... by their Whipping Wife, or Aunt Agony, or Mean Momma.
That boy/man did not ask for the beating, and if asked if he wanted one, I'm sure he would have said, "No, thank you, ma'am."
So, my 'thing' , the think I'm really stuck on, is being TOLD that I'm getting a spanking, and so far and up to now, Her way of telling me such is by telling me to "Get naked" or "Drop 'em."
In some other post, I spelled out my desire to hear the words, something like, "Now get your clothes off, I'm going to beat your ass to a bright red." Still waiting to see how THAT goes.
Anyway, this time, I could not say "No."
I said, "Yes," and got up, out of bed.
She immediately noticed the open-bottom briefs I was wearing.
"What are you wearing!?"
I explained that I was only laying down for an hour, that I wasn't totally IN bed, but under the quilt, on top of the sheet... and She clarified, that ANYTIME I'm on the bed, sitting, laying, whatever.... I should wear buttocks-covering briefs.
Point was clarified, and She dug into the drawer next to Her, and brought out Paddles 3, 4, and 5.
"Over my lap."
I climbed, over Her lap, and soon felt the impact of each paddle on my buttocks and upper thighs, as I gritted my teeth, clutched the sheets, and gasped, Oh ohhhhhh.
Then She said, "FDAU."
And I moved around, so that my legs were spread, my ass up with Her looking straight at it, my head down.
And She smacked my ass some more, with each of the paddles, then brought out the Spoon, and smacked into the crevice between my cheeks.
THEN She took some pictures of the results.
Then She told me to get between Her legs, on my butt...face up.
I did, and we hugged and talked a little.... then She used Paddle_3 on the front of my thighs, in such a way as to bring out a vivid red color...without bruising... but with plenty of sting and pain.
Then, it was time for me to get up, and get dressed, and make coffee...and get to work.
Not much excitement there...or here....as we begin the Thanksgiving holiday slow-down.
We had some conversation about ..my chastity.
It mostly involved Her saying, "It's going to be a long week...."
I can kind of 'take that' however I want, as She does not tend to give out a lot of information.
In this case, for sure, that's how it should be.
If She is, for sure, planning to unlock me, on XXXday, what would be the fun in telling me?
She's already told me that Monday, She has THIS to do, and Tuesday, She has THAT to do, and Wednesday, She has THE OTHER THING to do.
Which might seem irrelevant...what does THAT have to do with unlocking me?
It's kind of assumed, that WHEN She unlocks me, a lot of WMS is gonna happen, and I guess She wants to make time for it.
I'm not grading this session (right now) as it is after 05:00 and I'm too damn tired.
Hrs S L O 302
HRs S L att. 192
Hr S L D 6 1/2
Hr I C 126 1/2
I'm in this position, FDAU, frequently.
She gets a perfect view, in between my spread cheeks, and into my anus and rectum.
And She says, it doesn't do anything for Her.............................
Other than, seeing the color ...or marks...on my cheeks.
I ...on the other hand.... get aroused looking at pictures such as these, while thinking, 'there's a hole that needs something shoved into it, preferably something big or knobby enough that this guy will wiggle and moan and groan as it goes in...'
**Smiles**
ReplyDelete