7.18 My response to an email

Somebody wrote in to me:
"I read your diary entry for 7.17 about you getting away from D/s or M/s or FLR-DD and wanted to just maybe to roleplays while making clips for your sales site. 
 "So my question is ... all those past entries you wrote, those pictures you posted, and clips and gifs ....  and chastity and corner time ... has it all been REAL or just your fantasy and imagination?"

Well.

Let me talk about what's REAL.

I am a masochist.
Not the kind that likes to stick his hand in a fire, or whack his thumb with a hammer, but rather, I like to have my bare bottom BEAT.  Now, I prefer this activity in a scenario where it feels like punishment, as in a roleplay, but I've been happy to take it where I can get it.  
Before I came 'out' as a bottom/spankee, I did A LOT of self-spanking.  Perhaps that's where I built up my tolerance for hard spankings.  Then, for lack of female spankers that would have been my preference, I started meeting male spankers,  whether at a monthly male-only spanking party, or through spankthishookups for private get-togethers.
Then, by going to dungeon parties I found on Fet, I met Merry.

Merry is the Sadist to my masochist.
She is that special kind of sadist, always consensual, who enjoys hurting me, or you, only as far as you enjoy being hurt. 
If you meet Her at a party, and She agrees to 'play' with you, and She takes a paddle to your bottom, and you cry RED after the first swat, She will stop. She will honor your limits.  She might be a bit disappointed, but She will stop.
Our first date was at a party, pre-arranged for the party.
Lord knows I did not cry RED (or Purple, Her preferred safeword). 
We played in two separate sessions that evening, that left my bottom red for some time, bruised for days, and slightly bloody after She used a braided short whip that I had brought that had become a bit frayed.
And She broke Her own right hand index finger... which had been broken before, by swinging Her own heavy paddle into my buttocks.

Shortly after that, we signed a D/s contract, which gave Her control over our play, but I didn't like it because it had a clause for 'opting out' on a simple verbal statement,  and due to a fouled prior relationship, I had abandonment issues, and I wanted something that seemed more permanent.
So we signed a M/s contract,  which only allowed termination of the contract in case of breach of contract from either party.
OF course, it was not legally binding in any sense, but it made me feel better.
And it gave Her TOTAL control.
It didn't take long before our relationship became more than 'just' Mistress/slave.   Up to then we weren't having sex, or really even thinking about it.
Then, we fell in love ... and started thinking about it... and starting 'doing it'.
We separated our relationships by:  when She visited me at my condo,  we used my spare bedroom for s&m play, and my primary bedroom for cuddling and sex.
We got engaged, 7 weeks after our first date.
We got married in Las Vegas, 3 1/2 months after our first date.
In our hotel room on our wedding night, She paddled my bare bottom good and hard, then did some other things that I don't remember, after having too many rum & cokes at our wedding dinner.
Two weeks later, we found an appropriate place to live together, Merry and me, and Her husband before me, Stitch.
We went through a period of twice-a-day spankings for me, one before going to work, another when I got home the next morning.
We went through a period of:  while I was work, She would message me saying, "I'm going to bed. When you come home from work, bring (2,3,4) implements to the bedroom with you."
And I did. And She used them on my bottom or my thighs or my taint..
The first time we visited my parents in MS, the several days we were there, we disappeared a couple times a day to our guest bedroom, so that She could beat my bottom with paddle or short cane.
We took a long break from impact play due to my health... IBS issues such that I was in constant and chronic pain.

When She chose to beat my bottom THEN, I would comply to Her order to get ready.
She had control due to my consent.  It was not because She felt the need to discipline or punish me, but because we both enjoyed it.
When She beats my bottom NOW, it's not because She feels the need to discipline or punish me,  it's not because She has any control over me that I HAVE to prepare myself just because She says so, it's because 
 We both enjoy it.
Sadly, there's a voice inside me,  that wishes that She, that wishes someone, has that control over me,  like a Mother, Stepmother, Aunt ...   so that I can experience the trepidation that would go with hearing her say, "Young man, you are getting a spanking. Get your clothes off!"  and not having any possible rebuttal to it.
But at this middle-aged stage in my life, I cannot give up that kind of control over me.  
So, I like roleplay.

What was the original question?

It's all been as real as it gets.
My bottom red and bruised and purple. Marked up on my thighs and buttocks by cane strokes. Bruises on my mons pubis...
All very real.  
Nothing in our pictures or videos were (are) faked.
Merry beats my bottom and other places as hard as She thinks I can take it, sometimes, it seems, a little bit more.  
But, I have never safeworded  to stop it, in home activity. 
(There was one time in a dungeon, when She was going hard at beating my bottom, and I just wasn't feeling well...)
I have a high pain tolerance, at least on my buttocks.
Merry Loves ME, and She loves THAT about me.

Lately, invitations to a spanking have been as casual as an invitation to watch t.v. 
"Wanna watch some t.v.?"
"You wanna spanking?"
Some invitations I've accepted.
Many I've declined.
I'd give a reason of 'not feeling well' but as often as not, it's because, quite honestly, I am scared.
When spanking me with ...whatever, and almost never with Her hand because it hurts Her hand a helluva lot more than it hurts my bottom, She only has two gears, Hard and Harder.
When I'm not getting spanked frequently, my tolerance drops.
When She starts spanking HARD, it hurts in a not-good way, enough so that I wanna safeword immediately.
But I don't want to have to safeword. 
So, I often decline.  Just because I'm scared.  Because I don't know how to say, "Can you kinda take it easy?"
But I miss, I really miss, getting the spanking.
The other day, I self spanked my bottom, unbeknownst to Her.
Then, a bit later, She suggested giving me a spanking, and I agreed, and got up to pee first, and in the bathroom, looked at the reflection of my bottom, and saw it was still red enough to be obvious, and I came out and told Her that I really wasn't feeling well for it.

Yeah, the spankings and beatings are real.
Any other reasons we used to give are not.
It's not for Punishment, it's not for Discipline.  
It's not because She says, "Jump" and I ask, "How high?"
It's Just Because, as we used to refer to many such spankings, or Funishments.

Anybody who doubts the reality of the beatings is welcome to come over and watch, especially if you can operate a video camera, as all our clips have been shot via camera on a tripod, or if you're brave enough, offer your bare bottom up for a beating.
Just to see how real it really is.

What else have I been questioned about?
Corner time.
Real.
At my suggestion. 
Wasn't on Her list, in the beginning, but I suggested it as a tool to help me get into the feeling of it.
None of our clips show it, because, seriously, how much of a video does someone want to PAY to watch, of some dude standing in a corner, either waiting to be spanked, or sporting a red bottom after being spanked?
But She has taken still pics of me in the corner.
It's never been 'for a minute'.
Ten minutes, fifteen minutes, shortest time.
Several times, thirty minutes.
Always naked. Did I mention that?  And just to add to Her fun, She often orders me to sing 'something' and I don't know many lyrics to 
'something', and my singing voice is horrible, She often directs me to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat" taken from Al ... oh, go look it up. 
AND this one time.... well, She was mad. 
At the time, we had a FLR-DD agreement in place. So by my consent, She had control.
We were in a supermarket, and She perceived I had embarrassed Her by yelling at Her.
Once we returned home, She ordered me to get naked, and stand in the corner.
Believing that Her anger was unjustified, I went to the bedroom to ostensibly undress, and I slipped out the patio door, out the back yard, and went to my car, and .... ran away from home.
Really, I drove a few blocks away, stopped and parked, and ... meditated in my car.
And kept asking myself, "Isn't this exactly what you've been asking for,  a Strict Wife who is willing to discipline you when you act out?"
And I replied to myself, "Yeah, and it's fun when it's like make believe, but this is Real?"
And I replied back, "Isn't REAL where your fantasies have always been?"
"Yeah...."
I drove home.
I went inside.  She turned from the computer where She sat and looked at me.
I stripped.
I went to the corner and stood.
She had me recite powers of two. She had me sing "Twinkle Twinkle".
I don't remember what all else. 
Oh,it's on my diary, "June 21 2014".
After ONE HOUR in the corner, I was kinda sweaty. She sent me to take a shower.
Then had me get FDAU on the bed.
And She applied 170 strokes of a riding crop to my buttocks, then had me roll over into diaper position, legs straight up, and applied 25 more strokes to my sit spot.
THAT, you can call a punishment.
Who imagines this sort of thing commonly occurs between REAL consenting adults?

Chastity?
Between us, it's real.
By consent.
When we first got together, we discussed a mutual affinity for male chastity.
She likes having the control of the male's orgasm; I like being controlled. 
Although, once we starting having sex, She came to realize, locking me up deprives Her as much as it does me.  
So we have not done long term chastity...  a week, ten days most?
But when we do it, it's real.
By consent.
We discuss it first, and once agreed, I lock it up.
And I cede to Her control, the decision to say when time is up.
Recently I came up with rules to what I called "The Chastity Game".  I doubt that to be an original name, so I should call it "Our Chastity Game."
Short version, I lock it up, She uses a random number generator with a range of number of days known only to Her, to determine how long, and She does not tell me.  
During the lock up, She may at Her discretion, unlock me for a bit of tease, and denial, not letting me know if this session is t&d or my actual release time.

A couple weeks ago, we had decided on a day to begin this game.  I was getting ready, by sorting through my dozen devices, trying to find the 'right one' and a lock to which I actually had a key, and She came into the bedroom, and just got into my shit.
Okay, I don't know what set me off.  Something did.  A moment before, She had stepped in, while my back was turned, and said something about the thunder that had just rolled through the sky, that made me jump a foot off the floor. I was still shaken by my reaction when She came in the second time, and when I felt like She was up in my shit, I put it all down and away, and said, "Nope, not doing this, am not doing this again, until the next time we hear thunder!"
Given where we live, I expected that to be a long time away.
So, Friday afternoon, I simply had ...other thoughts.  She was away, I was thinking about it, and I really wanted to check one device that had been in a box on my dresser, and knocked down numerous times by cats passing through, and I wanted to see if I still had all the parts.
I put the thing on. I did (have the parts).
I sent Her a text picture of it.
Her reply was "Nooooooooooooo".
She HAD other plans.
But She accepted it. 
And came home. And I gave Her satisfaction, orally, that made Her forget, at least for a moment, about my locked penis.

What makes this kinda funny is that, 18 hours later, we're hearing thunder again, as an infrequent July storms rolls through our neighborhood.

See us in the vanilla world: we're a pretty normal, and very loving, couple.  
See us in the kinky world: She's a Domme, MY Domme, I am Her sub. 
See us at a dungeon: at some point I'll be naked, on a spanking bench, and She'll be beating my ass, as hard as She does in our clips.

At home, we keep it Real.
We PLAY with spanking, with corner time, with chastity, with strap-on sex (not nearly enough to my liking).
The Play is REAL, nothing faked, nothing pretend.
The mutual consent is just as real.