I still 'fantasize' various and many scenarios (that consist of me, being spanked in some fashion), and I'm writing this, as I try to figure out ....WHY.
I live a life that many guys (if I believe all of them from chat rooms) are quite jealous of:
I'm married to a woman who loves to beat my bottom as much (almost..) as I love having my bottom beaten.
To clarify, I don't love all that much the actual beatings.... pain does hurt, and I can't stop those signals from going through my brain.... but I do love the 'ritual', as it were, that comes beforehand (Get naked, get on the bed...) and the hot afterglow in my buttocks, afterwards. (or on my thighs.... or the way my nipples throb after a hard pinching, or the feelings about my body after some hard bites....)
And these aren't occasional spankings.
Some guys gripe that they only 'get it' every week, or two weeks, or so....
There was a period when I was getting two-a-days, and at least one-a-days.
Not so much lately, though. My last real beating was at a party, New Years Eve, and there have been two very short, light encounters since then.
The recent lack of impact play has been due me having lingering flu-like symptoms that started the day after Christmas, and simply have not abated, until today..... followed by our very busy lives in the real world, and Her recent (today) not-feeling-well.
But, She assured me today, we WILL get back to it!
So, I live this life for which so many other guys say, "You're so lucky...."
And yes, I heartily agree. I AM lucky.
But after decades of longing for a relationship such as this, perhaps I'm entitled to some luck in this matter.
But, even with the reality of my life.......I still fantasize.
Which is a way of saying, I daydream about the way I really want these things to happen.
And I wonder, why....
I compare it to ..... owning a Porsche, and wishing I had a Lamborghini.
It's like, I have it REALLY GOOD, so what is it I want that's ...better?
It's all so very generalized in my mind, that I'm confused somewhat by it myself, but I'm gonna try to flesh it out a bit.
One recurring fantasy is to actually CRY during a spanking.
This simply ...has not happened.
Go look up the word 'stoic', and add my picture... that's me.
I've had my bottom beaten and bruised beyond all sensibility, and I simply don't reach any point of emotional release, of crying.
I can only say...we shall see about that, someday.
Other fantasies involve how to ...somehow....instill an aspect wherein..... I am NOT ENJOYING it.
For 98% of the population (and yes, I just made up that number, I really have no clue), a spanking is NOT something to relish/desire/want/look forward to.
I want to experience the feelings that go with ....being told a spanking is forthcoming, and really NOT relishing it.
However, I'm just not wired that way. I simply enjoy it.
Sometimes, I can bring this out in role play.
She says, "Get naked for a beating."
I say, "Oh please Dear, must I?"
She says, "Yes, you must."
Still, I do wonder what it's like to being in a position of being told to get ready for a beating, and me really not looking forward to it.
Other fantasies involve..well.... sex-less spankings.
To clarify, our sessions aren't always.....in fact, it's kind of rare.... followed by having sex.
Still, the sessions ARE a form of foreplay.
Which is to say, She is turned on, and I am turned on.
And so begets the fantasy, of having a woman beating my bottom NOT 'just because' (it turns her on) but as discipline/punishment/maintenance.
Usually, these fantasies take the form of "Mommy spanks son."
In that scenario, I don't imagine Mommy spanking her son from any aspect of sexual pleasure, but rather, she believes the son 'needs it'.
I've done one role play of this nature with Her, once.
It hurt like hell, and .... afterwards, I can say, I enjoyed it immensely.
Other fantasies incorporate 'bondage'.
I have a drawer full of ankle and wrist cuffs, a wrist/ankle spreader bar, and so on......
She and I have used.... hardly any of it, or once, here and there.
So, I often fantasize the scenario of being cuffed and tied, laying down, or standing up, or bent over, immobilized, and ... beaten and beaten and beaten.....
Other fantasies simply involve different, rarely used, positions, or implements.
....Her sitting on a straight back chair, me stretched over Her lap, feet on the ground on one side, hands on the ground on the other.
....Her sitting on a couch, me stretched out flat over Her lap.
...Me, bent over the back of a chair, hands flat on the chair....
...Me, bent over the back of a couch (but we don't have a couch....)
...Me, stretched out, face down prone, along the length of the kitchen table....
Implements:
She and I have had more than a few conversations about 'caning'.
And, She broke our best cane on my butt, New Years Eve....
But, She still has ideas about the proper method of caning...
and so do I.
We've talked about it...She knows.... I won't repeat myself here.
Leather.... we have almost NO leather implements in our toy box.
Almost, I said. The two-fingered tawse certainly ....is interesting, when used.
Yet, I still fantasize about feeling across my butt, a heavy, thick leather strap, delivered while I am prone on the bed, or bent over a chair, or FDAU on the edge of the bed...any position where She can get a good swing.
We have a healthy assortment of paddles.
However, I have a fantasy of acquiring...and having used on me... a 'big' Spencer-type paddle, the kind that Dana Specht is 'famous' for using....
Other fantasies I've had, most of which come from, I'm sure, videos I've watched......
.... a 'couples' spanking party, with one or more other F/m spanking couples...
..... Being spanked as friends of Hers watch.... or even, assist.....
..... Going to a meeting of The Disciplinary Wives Club.... where all the men in attendance get stripped and spanked by their wives, or any of the other women there....
The list goes on, and I'm not going to start writing about my fantasies involving sissification, forced cross-dressing, and various forms of anal play and forced enemas...
And ...I wonder about.... me and these fantasies.
Is there an end to it?
Does the fulfillment of any one fantasy simply lead to wanting to play out another one?
Is it like smoking crack... a little today, a little more tomorrow to get the same high, and a little more the next day....and so on?
AND we had a discussion about "topping from the bottom".
I thought that only referred to, trying to direct the action during an actual session.
She told me, it is so much more than that...
Furthermore, me telling Her, what I want or fantasize about IS "topping from the bottom" in the sense that I'm trying to tell Her ....how I want things done.
Yet, we've had conversations...that She wants feedback, She wants to know what I like and dislike....
So, I get confused.
