Nov 4 (titled "What the fuck happened to me?"

I usually give the days' events rundown on this blog....   but, I'm heading in a different direction on this one.

A quick rundown:
After a shower, I was laying naked on my back on my bed, waiting for Her to come in, which She did....
She fondled my locked up package a bit, then She unlocked it, took off the device,  and continued to stroked my penis, as it grew quite hard,  and I twitched it by flexing my perineal muscles.
She asked, "Do you like this?"
I said, "I don't like it, I don't dislike it, I am ... indifferent."
She rolled on Her side, away from me, and put on Her mask, getting ready to sleep.
"What happens now," I asked.
"That's up to you."
I got on my side, and lay next to Her.
We napped for an hour or so, and got up to get something to eat.

Afterwards, She said, "Put the lock back on."
I did so,  and prepared to sleep for the afternoon.

Woke up 1445 ish
She unlocked me.
"You get a choice, spanked or locked up."
"Locked up."
"Take off your pants..."
I did, and got over Her lap, and She hand spanked my bottom for a bit.
And had me turn over, and sit up, still over Her lap
"So, you gave me a choice...and you spanked me anyway..."
"Yes, I am a vindictive bitch."

We talked a bit more, without settling much, and I went back to sleep for another two hours, until it was time to get up and go to work....
Which I did, and here I am.

One question She asked:  Do I want to switch roles?
 No, I can't even run my own life, I'll be damned if I'll run Hers.
Do I want 'chastity'?   I told Her, not really,  I have trouble finding underwear to support the device properly.
Why have I  become so indifferent about spanking?
 I didn't have an answer, and told Her  I need to think about it.
She asked me if there were other D/s activities that I did or did not want to do...and I had no answer as of yet.

So.
What ................the fuck...................   happened to me?

Looking at my posts from last week...Monday and Tuesday....   having morning sex, getting twice a day spankings....  I was on top of the world....
  and now ......nothing.... holds my interest or desire.

Wednesday:  some hurried morning sex, as She had an appointment to get to, then a misunderstanding about whether or not I was going to the appointment with Her...   then to my office for an afternoon meeting, then racing back home to pick up R and off to a munch ...  I know I was already out of sorts by that time,  I can remember standing at the pickup area, waiting for the food, and just feeling crabby...
Then back home,  getting ready to go to work for a late shift, and She asked, "Do you want a spanking...?"
And as I frowned, She amended it to "...a spanking, or a biting...?"
It was a spanking, and I got some paddle swats before going to work....  and even then, I was starting to feel indifferent towards it.
It was during this time, that She inspected my bottom and thighs, and said, 'I think I'm going to stop beating you for awhile, until you heal.'
Which did not sit well with me, in fact it irked me.
I felt like, we were both getting pleasure from 'it', and now She's decided to stop....

Thursday, home from work..and I slept ALL day....  and after getting up for a few hours, went back to sleep again....  nothing happened all day.
Friday, we were up running errands....  and home in time for a nap before going to work again...
Saturday was full tilt.... going to a cleaners from work, then home with suits, then getting to head out to a funeral....
 And it was during that ride, that the conversation began, with me saying, in jest, that it's better to be Her ex-husband than Her husband, because She treats Her ex better.
And She said, 'How so?'
I said, "You don't beat your ex, or keep him locked up, or bite him, or twist his nipples."
"Well, I do bite him and twist his nipples....   but admit it, you enjoy the beatings and chastity."
"No, I don't."
"Tell me you don't want the beatings anymore, and I won't  .... as often."
"I don't want the beatings."

Now then.... sometimes...just for contraryism.... I have been known to adopt a position on some issue, just to be contrary to what is expected of me.... and I will defend the hell out of that position, and become stubborn as a mule about it.
IS this what is happening, right now?
I just .....fuckin'...... don't know.

 Saturday continued with the funeral.... going home...  taking Her to see Her P'r... home for a nap.. getting up to go to a Halloween-in-Spanish party.... and home...  She said She was 'expecting' sex,   then once home She spent an hour on Her computer, to the point I was asleep when She came in my room.
Sunday up, with no time, off to service, then breakfast, then the Bazaar.
At the Bazaar, I could have sampled.... caning, spanking, waxing, fire play, needle play, flogging...
I only sampled a back whipping, because a friend of Hers was ... wielding the whip.
Otherwise, I just... had no interest in any of it.
Then to work...which brings me to Monday morning, as above.

So, what the fuck happened to me?

I went for a decade without having conventional sex with a woman...and I believed that I was not aroused by it, that the idea of having sex did not interest me.
She has shown me otherwise.  I have enjoyed sex with Her.  Right now, this minute?  (If I wasn't at work...) Probably not.  Still, She has shown me sex is enjoyable...with Her.
For years, I fantasized of having a woman who would spank me, beat my bottom to a bright red, and otherwise feed my desire to feel pain.
She has shown that She is happy to do just that.
I fantasized of having a woman that would control me, make decisions that I can't or won't make for myself, keep me on track for whatever.
She has shown that this is just what She wants to do for me.
I fantasized of  having a woman that would control my cock, control my masturbation, and keep me locked up, and decide when I would be unlocked for Her pleasure.
She has shown that She is happy to do that.
I fantasized of having a woman that would provide anal play,  including figging, strap-on use, fisting, and enemas.
She has shown that She is happy to do some of that,  and has expressed a strong interest in the other.
I fantasized of cross-dressing and going out in public, not just ...at home.
Twice, She's had me dress in a skirt or dress, to go to parties.
I have fantasized of prostate massaging and milking....  well, that hasn't happened....
I have fantasized of being bound and tied ...for spankings...
Not yet, but we've talked about it.
I acquired a cock'n'ball pillory post..and fantasized possible uses.
She did put me in it, once.
I acquired a humbler, and have fantasized uses for it.
Well.....not yet, and I've gotten no comment from Her about it, either.

The fact is,   She has fulfilled my fantasies in SO many ways,  bringing pleasure to me AND to Her.

So,  what the fuck has happened to me?

I'm trying to go back to 'first principles' ...
  which is to say,  what interests me, arouses me, right now...?
I'll start by thinking about my unlocked cock....
Do I like it unlocked, do I prefer it locked, under Her control?
"Whatever" comes to mind.  As unlocked, I'm not...doing anything with it.
If I were locked up, awaiting  Her decision.... well, it's just .. whatever.

I look at videos and gifs saved on my phone....
Many times I've gotten aroused by these, masturbated to these.
Right now....  I'm just  'eh'.
In my usual? normal? state of mind, pain is a source of arousal.
To think about a hard caning or paddling or.. whatever.. applied to my bare bottom would result in quick wood.
Right now, my primary thought about pain, is that ...it hurts.
If I was required to take a beating, once I get home....
And by that, I mean, I would not refuse, I have no right to refuse.... I've said time and again, that what She chooses to give me, I will accept....
If I was required to take a beating, I have no clue how I would react.
I might ...snap out of this funk.
I might.... start crying (quite possibly, a good thing...)
I might.... react aggressively, saying something like, "That's it, stop, no more..."

I just ...don't  know.

I do know, I will obey Her.
If She chooses to beat me, I will do my best to take it.
If She chooses to lock me up, I will accept it.
Give me a choice of this or that, and I will choose this, or that.
Give me a fill-in-the-blank choice, as in, What do you want? ..
   and I will choose .... to be left alone.

Hrs S Last O   149
Hrs S last sex  136 1/2
Hrs s Last spanking 9
Hrs Unlocked   9
















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