Nov 5, early morning....

She wrote a blog entry directed at me.
I'm gonna try to answer with this blog entry.

She wrote:
"Shilo, for those things I've done or said that may have caused you pain, I apologize.
I need you to state clearly exactly what is bothering you, what will help to make things better."

To begin with, I do not believe She did ANYTHING that caused me pain.
  (well, emotional pain, anyway....)

Whatever the eff is going on with me, I do not believe it to be  a result of some word or action from Her.

I CAN'T state clearly what is bothering me.

I CAN say one thing that annoys me, but I would not go so far as to say it causes me pain:
  How many times have we come home from something or other.... and She is going to join me in the bedroom for ...something or other... and Her first move is .... to Her computer....  and spends so much time there that I wind up falling asleep or otherwise losing interest in whatever we talked about doing.
I do understand that Her time IS Her time, to do with as She wishes.
I just .... want Her to communicate with me WHAT She is doing.
Need some computer time?  Fine.  I'll go to sleep, or watch t.v.
Please, just don't tell me, You're coming along 'in a minute' ... and not do it.


I CAN state what is confusing me.
We are husband/wife and we are Mistress/slave....
and sometimes the roles get mixed while we're together, at the same time.
Like in one moment, She's "hurting" me,   and then.... we're having sex....
Or in one moment, we're having sex....then She's ... 'hurting' me.

It  is confusing.
I find myself flinching during lovemaking, because when She touches me, I don't know if it's affectionate, or if She's going to pinch me, or twist my nipples.

I guess I need it clear, with Her saying:
"I am your Mistress and I just might hurt you while we play..."
"I am your wife and I will not hurt you when we have sex."

And, I'm confused by all the choice She gives me.
IF I am a slave, should I have any?
My understanding has been, no.
I should serve at Her pleasure, at Her beck and call, She speaks, I make it so.

But, instead, She continues to give me choice 
And...I just don't like it.

I'm at the point of flat-out refusing.
"Choose a weapon you want me to use."
"No."
"Do you want a spanking, or to be locked up?"
"I am not choosing."
I don't think it will 'go over'  well, but it will make a point, but I'm not sure at what cost.

Sometimes, She'll give me a choice of '1', '2', or '3'.  THAT does not count in choosing, since I do not know what the choices entail.

I want...need... Her, to TELL me, what to do, what to get ready for,  whatever it is.

I want a .... Strict Wife.

I want a Strict Wife who does not care about current marks on my body, She can always find other places to mark.
I want a Strict Wife who tells me, as I'm leaving for work, to get ready for 20 cane strokes (or...whatever) as soon as  I get home from work, just so I'll have something to think about, all night.
I want a Strict Wife who tells me to 'strip naked, bend over the bed, and wait til I get there...'  and leaves me there awhile to wait, before She comes in.
 I want a Strict Wife who orders me to strip naked in the living room, and bend over a chair, and paddles my bottom while others watch.
I want a Strict Wife who ensures my bottom is stinging before I go to sleep in the morning, and after I get out of the shower in the evening, before work.
I want a Strict Wife who closes the lock on the chastity device on my penis, and says, "I think I'll have you keep this on for quite some time."   ...Just to give me something to think about....  even if She changes Her mind about it, without telling me.
I want a Strict Wife who sees the need to give me Punishment Beatings, meant to keep me out of my funky moods.....  with me face down, my hands cuffed and straight ahead, my legs cuffed below, while She delivers blow after blow of paddle and strap, and I can only moan helplessly
I want a Strict Wife, who.... when I say I need time to think about something or other, will say, "Fine..." then put me in the cock and ball pillory,  raised enough so that I'm on tiptoe, with my balls stretched behind me, in the clamp,  my hands bound behind me,  and then says, "I hope an hour will be enough time to think about it."  And walks away.
I want a Strict Wife who will put my wrists and ankles in a spreader bar, and administer an enema with the double Bardex, and make me retain it until my groans rattle the ceiling.

There's gotta be more, but this will have to do, for now.....