Aug 13 ...an open letter to you....

WHY do I feel like, I'm three breaths away from a panic attack?

The tightness in my chest,  and in my gut....   what is wrong with me?

Is it from thinking about the 100s of things to do, and places we're going,  in the next 8 or 9 weeks, which include, Spirit help me, getting married AND moving?

Is it because I am really scared to take a hard look at my finances, because I've been burning through my available credit on plastic like nobody's business, and I am really afraid to start recording them, to see where I really really stand?  

Is it because I think about Sunday morning, where you were beating me and biting me, up to the very limit of what I thought I could endure...  although I would never ever actually tell you that while it's happening ... just because ...I'm not supposed to,  that I'm supposed to be able to take whatever you want to give...  and up to now, I've been able to, joyfully so...   even though, afterwards, it left me in a shivering mess, feeling tremors in my body,  to the point I was ready to start crying, while I lay next to you ...but I just couldn't allow myself to let go....?

Is it because I feel so ashamed, and so incapable and so worthless because I haven't been able to reach climax when we're making love / having sex /  fucking?

Is it because of the emotions that engulf me,  while I'm here at work,  thinking about you there, sleeping next to Rob...or not sleeping, whatever the case might be at any given time,   and then thinking about the time we will all be living together,  and you'll be able to hop from his bed to mine, and back again,  and that just goes SO against all the so-called morality that I've been brought up with...  

Is it because there are time when we are talking as  J & D,  then just suddenly, you say, "If you want to talk to me that way, you need to ask permission..."  because some switch got flipped off or on, and now it's M & s,  and I feel a hurt in my gut,  "Oh, gawd...."

Is it because, so many times I think,  I need to ALWAYS be in slave-mind,  that I need to forget about J & D, husband - and - wife - to - be,  because it hurts so much when we're talking like J and D, then you suddenly switch to M & s, and you correct me for being too casual.

Is it because the roots of our relationship ...is (was)  D/s then M/s  ...  and if I can remember, THAT is how we started, THAT is how we got together... and maybe I need to remember that.

Or it is because I'm just SO tired right now,  sleep - deprived - tired,  and I become more emotional, more  vulnerable when I'm tired....and alone, when I'm away from you?

Or maybe it's simply because I have not been diligent about taking my anti-depressant pill.....
I have them, I'm supposed to take one daily,  it's been quite a few days since I have, because I'm afraid it will make me more tired than I have been, so I try to take it before going to sleep, and continually forget.....