We began chatting.... and quickly began talking about ...The Day's events...and I saved most of the text of what She wrote, as She expressed to me what She was feeling, when She believed, and had no reason to not believe, that I would .... take my own life.
"Sometimes, the reality is more than I expected. Allowing myself to Love you, to fall in Love with you. It opens up doors that I would have preferred to keep shut. I was so fragile. I wanted strictly D/s or M/s and i allowed myself to fall in Love, and it opened me up to more potential for pain my pain.
Just not exactly what I wanted...but it WAS and IS just what I needed
I wouldn't trade that for anything
I really don't think I could handle going through another loss ( and there I was, in your room on your bed, and you are
saying things that not only don't compute, but I'm being told (in my
head, at least) that everything I've done, all the time and energy and
Love I've invested means NOTHING to you
It cut me, it cut me deeper than I could ever express
I felt like I was meaningless to you
I just hated myself at that moment for loving you so deeply
for being so vulnerable
I mean, it's not YOUR fault (as if it's a fault) that I fell in Love with you
It
(me falling in Love with you) was simply meant to be, and an answer to
so many prayers and thoughts sent from so many people
It just hurt at that moment
I was close...so close... to getting up, walking out, and NEVER coming back, it would be OVER... and I knew, in that moment, you would not care.
But I couldn't do it.... "
I apologized, again and again, for saying selfish stupid crap. And She accepted it. And She said, this was a necessary conversation for us to have.
.... Off work, I headed home, really miserably sleep-deprived tired.
I told Her, I would not be calling at 0730, I was going to go straight to bed for a few hours, get up around 10, and call Her, and call the FTB.
I did go to sleep 715.... woke up around 0915 to pee. Had my alarm set for 0945, I think, and reset it for 1030.
I woke up around 0945, laying on my left side, feeling Her around me.
It felt good, it felt natural....until the surprise registered....
"What.... are you doing here?"
"I decided to come over, and support you through this...."
"Oh....okay...."
I got up, shook off the cobwebs... picked up my phone, and started.
Heh.
I tried I don't know how many numbers for the FTB, trying different options, getting switched around, then disconnected, until FINALLY I got through to somebody who knew something and could do something.
And I WAS able to work out a payment plan, and she agreed to release the levy on my account, by sending a fax to the bank, as soon as she got off the phone with me.
....whew....
I looked at Her, and said, 'Wanna have sex?'
She grinned, and started to get on top of me?"
"I was sort of kidding, I didn't think you had time."
"Oh, you don't know what I have time for....."
So, some WMS ensued. to our mutual pleasure. No happy outcome for me, but I'm starting to get used to that.
I saw Her out, around 1345, made some lunch, called Ma Bell about the internet/phone outage, and went to sleep...1415.
The insurance agent called me, two times, around 16:00....
Up 1745.... I talked to Her a bit while walking my dog.
Then I called the bank, and learned, that yes, the FTB HAD sent over a release on my account, and yes, I did have full access to it, already. Well, OMG!
I called Her back, to tell Her about the Bank, and that we were also all set, on combining our insurances into one account.
She told me, not to expect to see Her online, until midnight or so.
I went to work.....
I used some quiet time at work, to finally record bills, that have been laying around in my bag, like forever.
She came online, 2300 ish...and we chatted, until 0100, when She went to bed.
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 35 1/4
H Un 300
I was close...so close... to getting up, walking out, and NEVER coming back, it would be OVER... and I knew, in that moment, you would not care.
But I couldn't do it.... "
I apologized, again and again, for saying selfish stupid crap. And She accepted it. And She said, this was a necessary conversation for us to have.
.... Off work, I headed home, really miserably sleep-deprived tired.
I told Her, I would not be calling at 0730, I was going to go straight to bed for a few hours, get up around 10, and call Her, and call the FTB.
I did go to sleep 715.... woke up around 0915 to pee. Had my alarm set for 0945, I think, and reset it for 1030.
I woke up around 0945, laying on my left side, feeling Her around me.
It felt good, it felt natural....until the surprise registered....
"What.... are you doing here?"
"I decided to come over, and support you through this...."
"Oh....okay...."
I got up, shook off the cobwebs... picked up my phone, and started.
Heh.
I tried I don't know how many numbers for the FTB, trying different options, getting switched around, then disconnected, until FINALLY I got through to somebody who knew something and could do something.
And I WAS able to work out a payment plan, and she agreed to release the levy on my account, by sending a fax to the bank, as soon as she got off the phone with me.
....whew....
I looked at Her, and said, 'Wanna have sex?'
She grinned, and started to get on top of me?"
"I was sort of kidding, I didn't think you had time."
"Oh, you don't know what I have time for....."
So, some WMS ensued. to our mutual pleasure. No happy outcome for me, but I'm starting to get used to that.
I saw Her out, around 1345, made some lunch, called Ma Bell about the internet/phone outage, and went to sleep...1415.
The insurance agent called me, two times, around 16:00....
Up 1745.... I talked to Her a bit while walking my dog.
Then I called the bank, and learned, that yes, the FTB HAD sent over a release on my account, and yes, I did have full access to it, already. Well, OMG!
I called Her back, to tell Her about the Bank, and that we were also all set, on combining our insurances into one account.
She told me, not to expect to see Her online, until midnight or so.
I went to work.....
I used some quiet time at work, to finally record bills, that have been laying around in my bag, like forever.
She came online, 2300 ish...and we chatted, until 0100, when She went to bed.
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 35 1/4
H Un 300
I saved that conversation as well.
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