Aug 8

Home,  0630, and morning chores.
Before I left work, I sent Her a text, as She had previously requested, a reminder to bring laundry, as She had been planning to come to my house to do something with Her hair.
Her response:  "Maybe I will."
Hmm.  Followed by "Not sure when I will see you, just know that I love you..."
Hmm, again.   I wasn't totally sure what was going on, but as I guess, I thought maybe She had already read my blog entry from yesterday.
Another text: "Read my journal entry before you call me."
Oooh boy.  
I did.  
Again, oooh boy.
In short, I've been confused and mixed up and I don't know what all about the whole polybusiness, and now She is irritated that I had said that I am okay with it, when it's become evident that I'm not so okay.
My response to Her:  I need to process, I will not be calling at 07:30, my phone is on silent.
And, I took a nap, starting about 07:30 to 08:35, then getting up to head out for a 09:15 ultra sound appointment.
I really had no idea if She was still coming to my place or not, until I woke up and saw Her text  "I'm waiting down the street, I figured I'd leave you alone a little longer."
When I got in my car, I text: "Leaving now."... so that She could have my carport space.
As I  pulled out, I saw Her, walking across the street, to wear I guessed She had parked, a block and a half away.
Her reply:  "I saw you leave, and you didn't leave the laundry room open, and now I'm stuck upstairs."
Ooops.  Well, I really didn't think She was coming, and just didn't think about the laundry room. Must remember to give Her a key for that.
Off the the clinic, had plenty of time to think about what was going on.
My impulse was to ...then go home, and go to bed, without a word.  This has been my MO, when I'm upset, to just shut down, internalize, try to be left alone.
And how has that been working for you, Shilo?
Not very well, I must say.
Leaving the clinic, I text: Heading home, let me know if you want breakfast.
"I do."
She met me, as I arrived, and we went in my car to the local diner.
And starting talking, with Her saying, "I fucked up."
Quite surprised, I was.  "How do you figure YOU fucked up, when you did what I asked you to do, by telling me whenever it happens..?"
"It went against my gut, my instinct.... I didn't really think you wanted to know, but I told you anyway..."
"Well, it's not fucking up, when you did what I asked. This is about ME, and my reaction, and me figuring out how to deal with it.  I know it's not going to 'go away'.  My eyes were open going into this.  You made it clear you are poly, that you aren't giving it up.   I said I accept it.  Now I will learn to accept it.  Clearly, I'm not liking it at first, but I'll ... get used to it...."
We finished, and went back to my place, and I went to sleep for awhile, while She did Her hair thing.
I woke up when Her alarm went off, telling Her it was time to get moving, and we talked a bit more, and came to the following at least temporary conclusion:
 1.  For now, She would not initiate sex between us.  She should wait until I say I am ready,  until I'm sure I can deal with, cope with, the idea that I am not going to be Her only lover.
  2.  And a modified Don't Ask Don't Tell.   I don't want Her to be afraid of letting stuff slip out.   If something slips, that's okay, She shouldn't be mortified by it.   But She should not 'fling it in my face" or volunteer it, either.  But if I ask, She should be truthful, and not try to hide it from me, either.
I don't want to be in a position of thinking, if I don't know about it, it must not be happening, because I know, that is not the case.
I went downstairs with Her, helped Her get Her laundry in the car, and watched Her leave, then I went back upstairs, to bed...
And overslept a bit.
My alarms are set for Sunday through Wednesday, not used to working on Thursday.
As is Hers, as She usually calls at 18:00.   She called at 18:15, and woke me up.
Well, it worked out, it was enough time, and I got to work at 19:30, on time.

And I had more time to process.
And I emailed Her:  "I've had my meltdown. It's over. I can deal with this.  We can work it out..."
She replied:  "Really?  :Happy Dance:"

My NEW decision, which She has not asked about..... I'm thinking, She is assuming that I want to stick by the OLD decision:
   I AIN'T giving up sex with Her. That's just... stupid, and who am I hurting? Me. And not with the kind of pain that I enjoy.   I enjoy the sex with Her,  so I'm flushing THAT idea.
   And I'm telling Her, to tell me anything She wants to tell me, to NOT try to censor Herself.  Anything She wants to share, She should feel free to share.  No restrictions.  That does not mean, I WANT Her to tell me, each and every time the 'other' happens; but if there's something about it that She wants me to know, She should feel free to tell me about it.  And if I should ask about it, She should feel free to be open and honest about it.
  While we live apart, I don't need to know everything She does, every minute.
   Even once we ALL live together, there will be plenty of times that I'm at work at night, or asleep during the day, and I don't need to know everything She does during that time.
  As long as I'm getting MY share of time with Her, I will be happy.

Scorecard:
 Cigarettes   7
 Days since O   22 1/4
Hours locked   29 1/2