Aug 20

Well....   what a fukkin' day, but I'm getting ahead of myself...

Home from work...getting ready.... knew She was coming over for the dreaded WMS.

I was getting into the shower around 0715, so I sent Her a text, that I would call Her afterwards, rather than the customary 0730.
As I stepped out, I received a return text, telling me to not call until 0800.
Then She called me, around 0740.
"I'm okay...."
"What..."
:"I had an accident but I'm okay..."
"What??"
"I hit somebody, but the woman got out, look at our cars, shrugged and walked away, and drove off. I'm shaken, but okay.."
So...we kept talking, as She told me about the typical traffic snarls on the way to me, and I was trying to get online to see if Sigalert gave any clues. 
But I could not get online....like I had no internet access, at all.
After some experimentation, I tried my tv and cable system.   No signal to the tv.....  and finally, my phone... my hard line phone had no dial tone.   Everything is Ma Bell, so,  evidently some snafu somewhere.
Not much that I was freaked about; as I could get internet on my 4G phone, and never used the hard line phone, but it meant calling them, and getting it sorted out.  Figured, it would wait til later.
I went downstairs, outside, and waited for Her to arrive, and we went on out for breakfast.
Incredibly slow service, probably due to our choice of available dining areas in which to sit, and the screaming toddlers across from us did not make it the most delightful of dining experiences, but for ten bucks all on, not worth complaining about.
I went to pay, and decided to use the debit card linked to my checking account.
And it was declined.
What the fuck?
Try it again.
Declined again.
What the f....?
Stunned, I used a different credit card, and went on out to the car.
She headed for a gas station, while I began looking up my checking account on line, on my phone.
As expected,  I saw a balance in low four digits..
But an available balance of 0.
In my savings, a balance in love three digits...and an available balance of 0!
What the f...?
She got some gas, and I said, "Let's hasten to my bank".  Two blocks away.
I was first in line for a teller, 3 tellers working....each one taking FOREVER with their customers.... jeez.
Finally got my turn..... asked, "What is going on with this?'
She looked it up, a puzzled look crossed her face, and she called for her supervisor, who came over, and had an equally puzzled look on her face, and said, "Let me try this on MY login..." and in a minute said, "Your account has been put on a hold by the Franchise Tax Board."
Oh, fuck me, fuck my life.
I kinda thought something like this might happen sometime, but I really thought I would get a warning first.
On the other hand, I have not opened any of the envelopes they've sent me, in months, soooooo....
Anyway, I went into a full court panic.
I know that it's possible to negotiate with the IRS, but the State?  No.    I was up shit creek in a canoe with a porous bottom.  I was fucked without getting kissed first.  I was attached to another object by an incline plane, wrapped helically around an axis, and royally.
And I can only think back to a 'vow' I made to myself, what I would do if or when this ever came to pass....
We returned to my place...and we went upstairs,  and undressed...and sat in silence on the bed.
Until I said, "For some time, I've been thinking, this might happen....and I decided, long ago, that there would really be no way out.... that's it time to commit suicide and be done with it.
She looked at me in stunned silence.
"What about your...animals?"
"I'd be sure to let somebody know, to come check on them."
"Do you know what it's like to come into a house, and find a dead body?"
"I wouldn't do it here...I'd go drive off Mulholland or something..."
I wasn't looking at Her. I wasn't looking at anything.  I really really had no idea how this was effecting Her.
Until She said, 'Come on!'
I followed Her into the playroom.
"Pick something."
I took the wooden spoon off the wall, and handed it to Her, and followed Her back into the bedroom.
"On the bed, face me,  reach up and grab it  <referring to  horizontal pole, attached to a rope, hanging from the ceiling> and spread your legs."
I did
And She began vigorously smacking the front  of my upper thighs with the spoon. Multiple smacks on each side.  I groaned, quite loudly, I believe....
Then She told me to roll over, onto my hands and knees, and She smacked my bottom, and parts of my thighs not still bruised from Sunday's party. Then She told me to roll over again, and continued smacking the fronts of my thighs.

 Then, She went and fetched a bandage for the large but not quite bleeding sore on the right thigh.
After adding the noticable bite marks, for good measure.

Now, most of our 'play', like this, is for pleasure, for both of us.  I am a heavy pain slut, which means I can take a lot, I enjoy taking a lot, and She enjoys giving it to me ... but this was much different.
I took no pleasure from this.  I did not approach any subspace, or reach a stage where I might be able to break down and cry.  It just fuckin' hurt, in ways not pleasurable. 
I've only seen Her, or with this aura or demeanor about Her, once before, when I made the mistake of saying that I thought She had gone 'soft' on me. 
She has said, repeatedly, that She does not 'punish', or give punishments, but that's what this was, a punishment for thinking stupid, and thinking selfish.

In time, She lay down, exhausted, next to me.... and this evolved into a session of what we have come to call WMS. 
...with the rather unfortunate finish of, Her starting to cry, as She was having a panic attack, flashing back to a fucked up incident in Her life, some years prior.
She calmed down, and I like to think, with some help from me.
And, it was nap time.
Which lasted an hour or so....  then we were both awake,  and engaging in more WMS.
We managed to fit in some actual conversation.
I told Her, "I've said before, suicide is not an option for me.  No matter how much I talk it, I'm just talking.  My brother committed suicide, it devastated my parents, I will not do it to them again, so as long as they are alive... it's not an option."
She said, "So what you ARE going to do, is call the FTB, work out a payment plan, and get this taken care of.."
I was dubious about how well that was going to work, but I agreed... to do it tomorrow, because I was sorely feeling sleep deprivation.
I saw Her out, around 1530 ... went back to sleep until 1745...
and up,  and went to work.

I was still stressed about this, and feeling particularly alone and lonely, especially when She didn't come online to chat with me, like She usually does, while I'm at work

Until.... midnight, or just after.

Scorecard
Cigarettes   4
Days since Last O   34 1/4
Hours Unlocked  276