Nov 27 positions, Crying

Prescheduled.

I just wanna cry...

But, it's just not happening.
It's been a subject of discussion between Her and me, for some time now.
   (getting me to cry...  during play, during Discipline, while talking.... anytime...)

Physical pain does NOT elicit tears from me...or much of any noise, really.

Stub my toe, bump my head, bang my hip...don't matter, I rarely do much more than 'grunt'.

Nor do I make much, if any, noise during Discipline sessions  (aka beatings).

For me. physical pain will not .... well,  probably will not   cause my tears to flow.
I have not been tested to the highest limit of my pain threshold,  or with every possible type of pain there is, thus my back peddling on that....

 When I have shed tears, they come from emotional pain,  but it doesn't happen very often.

As She has written on Her blog,  I am <my words here:> "emotionally constipated", especially when dealing with sorrow or sadness.
Most often, for me, such feelings are .... blocked, channeled elsewhere, ignored, pushed away,  sealed in some inner vault.

I've really cried.... in sorrow.... twice,  in recent memory, such as in the past twenty years? (because I can't rightly remember any before that.... ) 
...Seven years ago:   When my Sweet Baby Angel (a platinum blonde female long hair chihuahua) passed away at the emergency room of an animal hospital,   at a time when I could not be there with her....
 ...Two years ago,  When my roommate-at-the-time and I took my big boy Rocky (platinum blonde male long hair chihuahua) in  to put him out of his pain, that was due to the glaucoma and blindness in his eyes.

In fact, if I dwell on those memories for very long, tears will flow.

She wrote in Her blog that ... in view of some BIG problems we were having....compounded by my inability to empathize with Her emotional pain.... it all may well have spelled "the end" for some relationships, but ours was and is held together by (among other things) Her promise to never give up, to always find a way to work things out. 

I am left with the task of .... understanding that it is okay to FEEL ... anguish, sorrow, sadness...   that it is okay to express those feelings.

I just want, I just need,  to figure out  HOW.

"Either you get it, or you don't"

Such a true phrase for those in, or not in, this.... community of BDSM.

I got to thinking about this, after this visit to my parents.

And the marks on my body.

I tend to walk from bedroom to bathroom with a minimum of clothing,  but I did take care to cover up while there.
If Mom was to see these,.... oh wow.
Not sure if ANY amount of explaining would help her understand
Meanwhile, J tried dropping hints....  one time, She said, "Give him a spanking?  I brought a paddle..."
and Mom just shook her head, "Oh no....

So...just try to explain this to her.... or to anyone that doesn't already 'get it' ...  that..... I like it ... 

So, you ENJOY the pain? I am asked.
No.
Look at the expression on my face, or the way I move or wiggle, or listen to my breathing.
In the exact moment, no, I'm not enjoying it.

I enjoy the afterburn..... the heat in my buttocks, or the stinging rising from the cane marks or other bruises on my thighs,  the tingling when sitting down.....
I enjoy the submission....  of giving in, of freely exposing myself and my body for physical punishment.

I enjoy the subspace... a term I thought I came up with by myself some months ago, until I started researching it on Fet...   I've been there a couple times, from times at dungeons when She beat me for prolonged period of time, that I was able to go into subspace.
Prior to subspace, I believe there's a fork in the 'road'.
There comes a point when one just might be reaching one's 'limit'.
When I've been pushed that far, I've gone into subspace rather than approaching my limit.
With a different kind of pushing, I might reach the point of ...crying.
I anticipate this being a fantastic and cathartic release...I just haven't gotten there yet.
I think it would require a sustained pain that just continues.
My bottom simply goes numb pretty quickly, so ...not there.
What seems to hurt consistently.... never going numb...  is beating to my thighs....  although really hard smacks create angry red bruises...like I have now...   so maybe it would require a sustained beating all around my thighs....    along with bites in appropriate places, and nipple tweaking...to send me over that edge.