4.29 Diary

Another  wonderful shift at work.  (Sarcasm intended)
Out 6;49, and home 7:47.
She was wide awake, and waiting for me.
I fed the animals, and got in the shower for a quick one, then got into bed with Her.
We talked for a bit, then I gifted Her some DOs, orally, until She pulled me up onto Her, and we engaged in some hot fucking.
I begged Her to tell me to stop before I 'came', and She did, in a weak voice.
We lay there for awhile, until She suggested that She would not mind another go round, and I was happy to comply.
After a bit, I stopped ...fucking Her...of my own accord...and we lay together until She had to get up, to get ready for work.
I helped while She was in the shower, picking out Her clothes, and as I stood, facing Her bureau,  She came  out of the bathroom holding Her recently purchased plastic hairbrush,  and smacked my buttocks with it, some twenty times.
Then She dressed, and went on Her way to work.
I fixed and ate dinner, and went to my room to bed.
And slept a little bit, until the outside temperature rose to like 90 degrees, which meant it was not much less in my room, and I went out the living room, which was much cooler, and slept in my easy chair.

I don't think I heard Her come in from work.
I got up at 1700...

Toilet  and shower and dressed, and presented Her with a couple gifts that arrived in the mail, include a breast and clitoris pump and vibrator, which She was amusing Herself with as I continued getting ready.
She was half asleep, when I came in to kiss Her, goodbye.
She came in the kitchen, and put her teeth marks on my chest, above my nipples.

In the car 1840, and at work  19:18.\
I had just parked, when one dispatcher came out to me and said, "Please hurry on in,  Sam needs your help putting out fires."
Crap.
I went in, and ... put out fires...then went to the toilet  and came back in the room, to settle in.
The evening was ...a bitch,  and just got worse....   with new orders put in...   and the other guy even apologetically left, while we had one ride at 06:15 with NO idea of how it was going to be covered.

Fuck Me.

HsLS  14 1/2
HsLO  518
HsLB  14
D Un    1
Her DO:  Many, She said.

from Rules of Enforced Chastity
 I will not try to circumvent, get around, or remove the device of my own accord.
from My Manifesto
I will not be sexual with any play partners, at any time

She loves to leave Her mark on me

She loves to leave Her mark on me

Getting ready for work

Nice backside view, I think

4.28 Diary Locked until I got home from work

Another a pinche culero of a night.... in my car 0700, home 0800.
Fed the animals....and got in the shower for a long one.
She joined me, around 0900, and told me to cut the plastic lock and take the device off.
If I seemed disappointed, I was.  Oh well.
I dried off, She got out of the shower and dried off, and we went to Her bed, and got on and in it,  just for cuddling and pillow talk.
Then we got up..and She got up and ready for work, and left around 10:30
And I ate dinner, and read the paper...and went to bed.

She came into my room around 1615,  to tell me that She had ordered a surprise for me... and to make sure I didn't order it for myself.
She was preparing to leave, and let me sleep a bit more, and I had rolled onto my stomach, over the covers, and She looked at my butt, deliciously covered in thin skimp skamp panties, and grabbed a few implements on the table on Her side of the bed, and smacked my butt for a bit, with them.
Not nearly long enough, not nearly long enough, but it was sweet, nonetheless.

I dozed another hour, and got up and moving, and showered and dressed.
In car 1845.
At work  1937.

The Manager was filling in for the woman who usually does set up on Mondays.
Which meant,  I did not have to answer too many questions about morning set up, but it also meant, he always leaves in the evening, when the primary job is done, in this case, around 2230.
Then the last reservation agent leaves at 2300.

And I got 'slammed', every which way but loose.

ME COME!

HsLS  203
HsLO 494
HsLD  7 1/2
H L/UN  9/15
Her DO?  No
Did I offer? No, She was having abdominal distress.

from Rules of Enforced Chastity:
No reason is required of Her to lock me up. It is entirely at Her discretion.

from My Manifest:
I may attend parties and events without Her accompanying me, at Her discretion.

After a few whacks with various implements, but lousy lighting

Unlocked just a couple hours earlier.  I didn't touch it!!

After a few whacks with various implements, in lousy lighting

Getting ready for work, sans chastity device

Getting ready for work,  sans chastity device

04.30 Journal : What is-----

Masturbation?

Here be  some definitions.

Urban Dictionary:  The act of touching oneself to produce a favorable feeling in the groin area: usually accompanied by some sort of mental, visual, or audio stimulation to assist in reaching climax.

Dictionary.com:  The stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, especially to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.

Wiki:  the sexual stimulation of one's own genitals, usually to the point of orgasm

Merriam-Webster:     erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm

The Free Dictionary:  Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact

Note that every one of them states:  "assist in reaching" "expecially to" "usually to"  climax/orgasm.

I mention this, because it's been a 'conversation' between Her and me.

I am forbidden masturbation  ....
but She considers it 'masturbation' if I touch and/or stroke my genitals.

So I looked up these definitions that agree with what I thought in the first place.... that it's masturbation, if I cum, while doing so.

Otherwise, if I reach down and run my fingers down my penis once or twice, is THAT masturbation?
What if I stroke it  three or four times?
What about, five or six times?
Where is the line drawn, saying THIS is masturbation, but THAT is not?

I believe, and this is my story, and I'm sticking to it, that masturbation means... self-stimulation that reaches orgasm.
And anything less than that is just foreplay.

4.29 Journal

Another freaking busy night,  (4.28 to 4.29) with bunches of reservation-type phone calls and associated problems to solve with each one.

So, I got two Diary entries written.
Still gotta do  Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon....

PEDICA ME!

04.24 Diary

Woke up ..or woken by Her, about 0900.
She suggested I grab one of the vibrators...  then noticed...  that I had evidently defecated in a diarrhetic way in my briefs and on to the sheets.
So, instead, we got up, stripped the bed... and She took the sheets to the washer, while I went to the toilet, to ...finish up.
Then coffee and a snack, then shower and dressed... after I put the jingling cock ring onto my scrotum, and we went out to my car, and headed to the Valley for a doctor's appointment for Her.
Nothing special, a routine three-month follow up, and we departed.
She has been telling me that She needs to do clothes shopping prior to Her May 3rd departure, so we decided to try the SOGallery, since it was just down the road.
Turns out, that place primarily restaurants and a movie theatre.  We got a coffee for me, and a soda for Her, and went on our way, down the 405 a ways, and tried a mall there.
Same thing. Mostly food and movies, but no retail clothing stores.
We went into the JauntyRocks for lunch.
Then I went to the toilet,  then She went to the toilet,  then I noticed the one pen that I had 'out'  ( as opposed to the dozens inside my man-purse) was missing.
Thinking I left it in the bathroom, I went back to take a look.  Didn't find the pen, but I did find my cellphone that I left in there.
I came out, and stood around waiting for Her,  until She came in from the front door.
She had come out of the toilet, couldn't find me, and went outside looking for me....
We departed, and headed for Terr, to the only beauty supply shop She knows that has the non-latex gloves She uses.
Then we went next door, to the Japanese buck-n-a-half store...
 By which time little-s had 'come out' and was with me for the trip.
 I told her, that SHE doesn't seem like a 'real' Domme, or a real-strict-harsh one, and she told me that SHE is 'afraid of me.'
Well.... that was enlightening.
Then we went to the supermarket, to get fixins for our Easter dinner, tonight.
Home, unloaded, unpacked, put stuff away.
Back to the toilet for me, while she started dinner.
I  started redoing my notebooks
And got the clean sheets on my bed.
We had dinner,  including Her, not her.
And went into the bedroom.
And we talked.... about such things, as WHY She might be afraid of me.
The simplest part of the answer was, because She has to live with me.
Sleep... around 0200.

HsLS  107
HsLO  398
HsLB  75 1/2
D Un  121
D U.P.  2
Her D.O.?  No
Did I offer D.O.? No

04.28 a.m. Journal

Considering our low order count (at work)... this shift has been a Futher-mucker.

The server controlling our dispatch program was off for maintenance for two and a half hours.

And the phone would not stop ringing,  with new puzzles or problems accompanying each phone call.

Why am I writing about this?

Because...I have not written my diary entries for the 23rd...24th...25th...26th...27th...

and this is my reason.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually had work to do here.

4.28 Journal

I have generated a number of notebooks... pages put in binders... different subjects near and dear to me, with the idea that someday, I might have a comprehensive how-to book.
The subjects:  Spanking and corporal punishment,  slavery and/or Femdom,  pegging + enemas + anal play, and male chastity.

Of interest right NOW,  which is to say, the focus of this post, is male chastity.

By 'male chastity', I do not mean,  making a decision to be chaste.
I mean, ENFORCED male chastity,  via the use of a chastity device.
My interest in enforced male chastity (abbreviated EMC for brevity, as I go on), and very specifically, EMC applied to me,  started in late September, 2012.
I had a roommate, but she lived upstairs in our townhouse, I lived downstairs.  I had not engaged in intercourse in about a decade. And I was engaging in masturbation ...frequently,  spending hours in edging myself and stopping and edging myself, until I allowed myself to cum....   then having the feelings of shame and disgust with myself, for spending so much time in what seemed to be a pointless activity.
.... Then starting the cycle over.
Then I spotted on eBay, an inexpensive chastity device...  a foreign knock off of a CB-6000.
I bought it...and received it within a week.
And started using it.  A day or so at first,then a week.  Then, I tried to get really serious with it.
One thing I missed,  even though I had yet to experience it, was ...to have someone else holding the key.
Without that, I could unlock myself anytime I wanted.
At one point, I put the key to the lock inside the glove compartment of my car, just so I'd have to go downstairs and outside to get the key, if I wanted to, all that badly.
And that's putting aside the fact that I have some lock picking skills, and I found, just by testing, that I can easily pick the locks provided with this thing...and the locks provided with other devices I ordered, as time when on.
March of 2013...I communicated with a guy that I met online...that became a Top to my bottom, giving me spankings on my bare bottom whenever we got together, but one of his orders before we got together the first time, was to lock myself up in a device, and remain locked up until he said otherwise,  for a period up to the last day of March.
He came to my house twice during March,  and paddled my butt hard enough to leave bruises each time.
When he came by on the 10th, he said he had other obligations the following weekend, and would not be able to come over.
We communicated via email for a few days into the week, then I stopped initiating email contact, and he never did initiate.
Never. At all.
Right up to the 31st.
At midnight of April 1, I took off the device, and had a bit of a party, stroking my penis and enjoying the hell out of it.
And so, I did not engage in self imposed EMC after that.
I met Merry, briefly at a party, late that month.
We began exchanging messages through Fet.
One of many things she mentioned that she liked, was imposing chastity on a male sub.
After many messages, she asked if I wanted to be her play partner at an upcoming party, and I said, yes, or hell yes, or something like that.
We got together at the party, and she beat my bottom remarkably well, even breaking her own index finger on her right hand, while doing so.
On June 15, we signed a Dominant/submissive contract.
On June 23, we signed a Mistress/slave contract.
We lived 50 miles apart, but were in constant telephone/text/email contact
She gave me specific directives about masturbation, telling me how many days a week I could masturbate (at the start, three) and how long I could do it before I had to stop (like, twenty minutes).
In one phone conversation, she told me she had not forgotten about enforcing chastity, she planned to do it ...soon.
Which I found terrifying, in the moment.
At the end of June, we confessed to each other, that we had fallen in love with each other.
A couple of days after that, we engaged in sexual intercourse.
And she decided, no masturbation for me, at all.  I was free to cum whenever I could during intercourse, but no masturbation.
  (She will be quick to point out, I broke that rule, on my birthday in November, while she slept next to me, but that is not the subject of this post.)
In early-mid July, she was going on an out of state trip....and that is when she decided to lock me up for the first time.
And released me, shortly after her return.
She continued to lock me up... and release me... during the following months,  during which she asked me to marry her, and I agreed... and we got married in Las Vegas...and returned to our separate homes, until we found a house and moved in, together.
She locked me up during December, with the idea of unlocking me on Christmas morning, as a present to herself and to me.
But abrasions were showing at the base of my penis, and she unlocked me the day before.
And did not lock me up again, until  April 25th,  prior to leaving on a weekend road trip with some lady friends.
I am still locked up, as I write this, BTW.
So much for history.
What does this have to do with my notebooks-come-manuals?

It relates to how I FEEL about this.
I have a love-hate relationship with EMC.
And she knows it.  I have frequently reacted in some passive-aggressive manner when she imposed chastity on me.  And she wonders why, given my claims of liking it so much.

I love having the lack of control.
I hate not having control, myself.
And it's not that I want to be free ..to masturbate.  Not that, at all.
I think it relates to my lousy experience a year ago, when the Top left me hanging, just forgot about me. \
Then there's all the porn I read, most likely fantasy fiction written by men (that's what I really believe) having to do with guys locked up by their wifes/girlfriends for months...and months...and months....
And there's  the vagueness that Merry uses when she talks about it, never being specific about how long she intends to keep me locked up...and it just scares me.
And finally... there's arbitrariness....  the ol' "because I said so."
When she locks me up, that's the reason for it that I get.
Which I just don't like.
I would prefer if she said, "Because it pleases me."

Now, I KNOW that ...if we used a lock and key, I could just pick it if I wanted to, and when she uses a plastic numbered lock, I could just cut it, IF I wanted to.
But I don't want to, I want to be able to submit to however long she wants it to be.
Yet it scares me.

Finally, getting to my point about my notebooks....
I was rearranging them, and doing some reading....
With special interest in the writings about male chastity.
With intent interest on discussions of dopamine, oxytocin, and prolactin.
Dopamine causes pleasure,  levels rise with arousal, and floods in at orgasm.
Oxytocin helps in bonding and connection,  aids in after glow, levels rise during arousal.
Prolactin creates a feeling of satiation, even depression, and puts the breaks on dopamine and oxytocin.
At orgasm, prolactin kicks in,  causing the 'drop', with dopamine and oxytocin levels falling to the floor, while prolactin hangs around for a couple weeks.
Thus the male continues to feel Unaroused, Unconnected, depressed for some time after orgasm.

So:
 Merry has reassured me on countless occasions that she is NOT going to lock me up and just 'throw away the key.'  She enjoys sex with me FAR TOO MUCH to do that.
I've had trouble REALLY accepting that.  But I should
AND
 I now understand a logical reason for being locked up.
 It would aid to keeping my dopamine and prolactin levels up.
Which would aid in keeping  me interested in her, sexually and in so many other ways.

So, now I get it.
I'm 'in'.
When she orders a lock up,  I can and will accept it, with no negative reactions, maybe even with positive reactions.

4.27 Diary Still locked up

Up 11.45
It woulda been nice to get up in time to go to Service, but I wanted?need? the sleep.
Went to the toilet, cleaned the porta-potty, fed my Cookie, checked the hot tub, sprayed flea spray around my room, ate something, took my pills, read the newspaper....
Showered and dressed and left my budget/spreadsheet on Her desk... and packed up,
...was in my car 1417, and at work 15:16.

Just a crappy night at work, mostly due to my feelings of ...rage...towards my co-worker.
Fudeu caralho!

HsLS  179
HsLO  470
HsLB   147 1/2
H Locked 62
Her DO?   not applicable

from Rules of Enforced Chastity
She owns me, including all my genitalia.  She decides what to do with any and all of me, and of it.  She has the right to secure it and lock it up, if that is Her desire.
from My My Manifesto
 I may not seek any other Mistress or Master or Dominant or Top or lover without having Her express consent and permission, and any I may find must meet with Her approval.

Just woke up, a little on the 'full' side

Love these briefs when wearing a device

When wearing a device, I love these briefs.

04.26 Diary (locked up all day)

Alarm 0715.
Actually up, 0800.
Took pills.
Animals, fed by Stitch.
Showered and dressed.
Packed up, in car 0900.
At work, 0940.
...
OUT  19:42.
Home, an hour later.
She called me while I was still 20 minutes away from home. I answered the phone with, "I'm driving right now, honey."
"I'll let you go," She said.
Once home, I sent Her a text, "Now would be okay."
She called, we talked briefly.
I got the last of my laundry out of the dryer in and away.
And set up my laptops and cussed at them for not working how I wanted them to.
Fixed and ate dinner,  and watched a couple "Mike and Molly"s.
Went to sleep 00:30

HsLS 155
HsLO  446
HsLB  123 1/2
H Locked  38
Her DO?  Not applicable, She was out of town

from Ten Commandments
I will request punishment when I deserve it, and readily submit to any punishments you choose to apply.
From My Manifest
I am expected to maintain a positive outlook.

Naked meditation before work

Dressing for work

For work, dressing

04.25 Diary (Back in the cage....again....)

Up, 0900, and running to the toilet with diarrhea.
I fed the animals...
AND
She said, "It's time for your lock up, get a device, and get it on."
I did.
She tried to shut the plastic lock in place, and couldn't, so I did that too.
She started getting ready for Her trip, packing and such, and I helped as much as I could.
Her friends that were supposed to arrive at 1100, arrived at 1045.  I saw them walking up the walk to our front door, as She was coming in the back door from the laundry area, still half naked, and I told Her to 'hurry up'.
She got dressed, and came into the living room, and addressed the two ladies there,  telling them that ...
in fact, She has been divorced from Stitch for some time now, and is married to me, as of September last.
One of the ladies said, "I thought you were gay...."
I whispered with a smile, "She ... lied."
Then added, "That was just...the cover story."
I helped Her get Her bags to the vehicle,  and aided in navigation, and the three of them, with Her driving one of the other's van, departed around 11:30.
I went in, for another sit down on the toilet,  and self-administered a couple bulb's worth of enemas, in an attempt to get it all out at once.
And I dressed, and filled out the time sheets that arrived weeks ago, with Her hours of working at HLB's house.
Then I went out to my car..... stopped for gas... and drove to HLB's house, to get his signature on the sheets.
Which resulted in much conversation, at least on the listening end,  as HLB always has much to say on any given subject.
At a moment when he stopped long enough to take a breath, I got up and excused myself out.
We're the joke of the neighborhood, but why should we care if we're feeling good, and I took the long way home.
....Stopping at Her bank, to deposit the checks that came in the day before, then CVS for various prescriptions, then home.
..cleaned out the porta-potty in my bedroom, and scooped the litter box, and took a shower, and started Her laundry, and emptied the dishwasher, and measured the front yard, and drew a diagram, and cut down the spanking-yardstick, and continued with laundry, and gathered a bunch of trash to take out, and went out to the garage to count another box of comics, and brought in my box of spanko magazines, and then watched an episode of BBT from which I wanted to write down some dialog...
And I made dinner for myself.... and I finished off watching the Archer series....
And asleep about 0130, which was kinda stupid, as I was getting up kinda early to go to work.

HsLS  131
HsLO  422
HsLB  99 1/2
H Un/L   10/14
Her DO?  No
Did I offer? No

From  "Ten Commandments"
I confess all my transgressions to You, and I never lie to you."

From My Manifesto
I will never leave Her room without permission at any time unless it is a life threatening emergency.

04.23 Diary

At work, I had time to think about... what a JERK I was, yesterday,  and how disrespectful I treated Her, and talked to Her.
On the way home, I thought about it, decided I would admit to it, confess to it, apologize for it, and recommend various possible punishments.
So off work, and in my car 10:00 heading home.
I came up with five assorted punishments, all involving impact play.
As a dedicated Spanko-on-the-receiving-end, it might be 'odd' for me to be thinking of using impact play for punishment,  seeing as how I enjoy it so much, but the scenarios I was coming up with, I did not think I would really 'enjoy', at least while in progress....  I might even be left in tears, and most probably have long lasting bruises on my bottom.
She was up and sitting and reading, when I arrived home.
I said a cordial, "Hello" and went about feeding my cats,  then entered the living room to talk to Her.
She quickly suggested I pull out the spanking bench <from the corner of the dining room, where we store it when not in use.
I hesitated, as whatever She had in mind would almost certainly be more 'fun' that what I was going to suggest.
But then I said, 'I need to ...talk.'
"Okay."
I admitted to being disrespectful, smart-mouthed, self willed,  etc,  the day prior.  I said, I should be punished for it, and I have some ideas in that regard.
"Let's hear them."
And I told Her. And I won't repeat them here.
Because, She all but blew them off.
 which has been an ongoing facet of our relationship.  I may be exaggerating, but it seems like, any suggestion I have in regard to our S&M play is met with minimal interest on Her part, and rarely if ever acted upon.
She said, "Um.  Let's do this, instead."
She went to my room, and came back with an object, a plastic circular ring that had small bells set on the inside and outside of the ring.
"Get undressed."
I did.
She started to fit the ring around my package, then said, "Have you had a shower, yet?
"No."
"Go, take one."
I did, and dried off, and returned to Her.
She pulled my scrotum through the circle, followed by my penis.
"Now, I want you to prance when you walk, so that I can hear the bells tingling wherever you go. You will wear this all the time when you here at home, or with me, away from home, until I leave on Friday.
Go, stand in the corner."
I went, and stood in the corner in the foyer, such that the front door could hit me in the back when it is opened.  I stood with my feet close together, hands and arms straight at my sides,  my nose pressed into the corner.
I began reciting to myself such things as 'God is, I am, right here, right now.."  and "I release and I let go, let the spirit run my life...'
Until She called out from behind me, "Recite the ABCs."
I did so, in a monotone, "A B C D E..."
I tried going all the way through in one breath, then I tried going through twice on one breath.... must have gone through it a dozen times, when She said, "Now, recite Twinkle Twinkle Little Bat"
"Eh?"
"Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at, up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky..."
Which I did, a dozen times or so.
Then, She came up close behind me, and started asked me questions from "The Dominant Wive's Handbook".
Then She said, "Okay, turn around. You're done there, get something to eat.  Oh, I want the living room floor swept and mopped."
I ate...and sat down in my reclining chair, and took a nap, from, oh,  1515 to 1600.
She woke me up, and told me to follow Her, into the backyard.
I did, and She told me to have a seat in the patio chair.
She put a towel around my neck, and showed me the hair dye that She was about to put in my hair.
"My idea of punishment, is trying to embarrass you.  I doubt if it will work...nothing seems to embarrass you,  but if you have to go to work, with this red color in your hair, well, we will see."
And She rubbed it in.
Then we went to the bathroom, where I put a stool in the tub to sit on, and She began washing the dye out.
I finished up, and got out and dried off....
And went and gathered broom and swifter....and went about sweeping and mopping the living room floor.
Finished, I asked for Her approval.
She grabbed a paper towel, moistened it, then knelt to the floor, and wiped the towel across it.
The towel picked up some dirt, yet She said, "Okay, much better than it was."
Stitch had been home a little while, and our other boarder had come home.
We dressed and went out to eat.
I misunderstood, thought we were going to HomeBuffet, but was told, no, we're going to SoupPlants.
Fortunately, they are next door to each other.
We ate well, and went home.
I went to my room and watched Fargo and Nurse Jackie while working on my how-to BDSM related notebooks.
She came in to join me.
And told me, no, I did not to wear the jingling cock ring while we slept.
We went lights out around midnight, but I didn't get to sleep until 0100 or so.

Thinking about .... the whole scene, this day...
I felt a burst of passive-aggressive anger within me.
The cock ring ...did not bother me.
The hair dye did not bother me. (Does not bother me)
The corner time ...bothered me....because of the position that She demands.  With my feet so close together,  it HURTS in my ankles and the tendons from my heels up through the back of my legs.
I don't think this position is meant to hurt.
So, I think it was making me feel ... angry... and I still don't know what to do about it.

HsLS  83
HsLO 374
HsLB  51 1/2
DUN  120
Days U.P.  1/2
Her D.O?  No
Did I offer? No

04.25 My Desire? My Dread? My Destiny? Will it begin today?

She said..several times...before she leaves on a road trip TODAY that she is gonna lock me up until at least her return...and maybe leave me locked up until her return from another trip, eleven days later.

I gotta tell ya, and I've written about it so many times before, that I have a love-hate thing going on with enforced chastity,  ie having a device locked on my package.

You know, it really should not matter.
If I'm not with Her... in bed.... knocking boots... I'm not going to do anything with my winkie anyway, other than urinate (quite frequently)...

But the principle remains.

I WANT Her to have that control....but then, I don't.

I'm tempted... when the time comes  (about 48 hours, as I write this) to tell Her
"Ohmigosh.... I can't find ANY of them.  Do you think Donna got into the drawer and ran off with all of them?"

She seems SO happy

Enchaste and posing naked

Enchasted and posing naked

SO fukking true

Note the numbered plastic tag

The one I choose will probably be like this, assuming I don't lose it first.... <ahem> 

04.22 Diary

My relief dispatch got caught in some of the worst of traffic, and was late coming in to relieve me.
Not a big deal, but I didn't get out until 0710.
And was already in a crappy mood, due to what I heard about changes on my company's health insurance plans.
And I had to stop for gasoline.
And, She had already requested I bring home a loaf of bread.
Skipping the details, as to not re-aggravate myself thinking about it,
I got home about 0830.

I came in the house, She said cheerily, "Good morning.."
And I snapped, "What is so FUCKING good about it....?"
And She walked away, back to Her room.
I fed the animals and scooped, etc....
And went to Her room, to tell Her I was not going to 'shower and come to Her, naked" but was just going to eat and go to bed.
And She said, "If any of my other submissives had responded the way you did this morning...."
 And I actually forget how She finished that sentence.
I got in real close to Her face and said, "We are NOT doing Mistress/slave, we are NOT doing Domme/submissive,  we might be doing Wife/husband and I'm not sure how I feel about that right now,  and right now I'm in a mood that if somebody bumps into me, I will twist a head right off the shoulders..."
She shrugged. "Go. Sleep."
I went... to the kitchen.   Looked inside the fridge for a minute, said "Fuck it,'" and went on to my bedroom, and stripped, and started getting ready to go to sleep without eating.

Then She came in, and started talking to me.
I was not prepared to tell Her what had put me in such a mood, but I was ....willing to calm down and speak civilly.

She offered to make something for me to eat, and I accepted the offer of an omelette.
In a few minutes, we were sitting at the table, eating and reading or talking....
and I went off to bed,. again, around 1030.
Sleep did not come quickly, because my monkey brain would not shut up....
But it finally did.

Alarm off  1700 or so, and I was up at 1740.
Exited my room, to find Her sitting in Her easy chair, reading a book.
(as opposed to the usual of sitting at Her computer desk, so this was a nice change, which She said She planned on it being.)
Toilet...shower...dress...make coffee... toilet ....
Good bye...
In car  1855.
Surprisingly light traffic, at the office 1935.

The woman I usually work with had gone to emergency this day, so I was working next to The Manager.
Which was great....He assisted me in getting the forms filled out for my new health insurance   (and only $200 more per month).

And the rest of the night was easy peazy.

HsLS  59
HsLO  350
HsLB  27 1/2
D UN  119
D.O. 4 Her?   No
Did I offer ?    No

04.21 Diary

Off work, and on my home, arrived about 0730.
I fed the four-footed ones, scooped a box...
And went into Her bedroom, and woke Her up...just about 0800.
I lay down next to Her a few minutes, at Her request,  then we both got up.
She started to dress as She would for going to work, in about 2 hours.
I watched Her put on a bra...  not a sports bra, not a lacy, sexy, see through fuck-me bra,  but a functional bra.

And it reminded me of a picture I had been admiring on tumblr, not many hours prior to this.

So,  while I really 'enjoy' Clothed Female naked male --type spankings, another top fantasy of mine stems from many pictures I've seen courtesy of Nu-west,  featuring women ... wearing girdles and bras and such things, while smacking the bottoms of naked men.
So, yeah, I was thinking about that as She dressed.

Then we got in Her car...and went to "Her" vet's office, in Tor.
  to pick up the ashes of Fiona....   whose birthday it was today,  and so She really thought it appropriate to bring her home today... and I really had to agree.
We drove through a JackBox on the way home for Her 'breakfast'....
And once home, we looked through the mail, and I put together my dinner...  leftover chicken and rice and broccoli and black eyed peas with ham hocks.
She was looking through a women's wear catalog, while we were at the table, and I flipped through it, and mused, "Hmm... any girdles...?"
She looked at me, oddly, and I said, "Got any girdles? I got a fantasy about ...being over the lap of a woman, who is wearing only bra and girdle,  and she beats my bottom..."
"Hold on," She said, and She hurriedly took off Her shoes.... pants...  and top... and went into Her bedroom, and closed the door.
I heard much rummaging about....
Then She came out of the room, wearing a panty girdle that matched Her bra ... carrying Her leather belt...
And She came up to me, reached out and grabbed me by my right ear, and pulled me to "the chair", saying, "Get over here NOW....       On your knees, there.   Take off your pants..."
I pulled my pants down to just below my knees, "That's enough...."
She sat in the chair...   "Get over my lap...."
I did,  and She whipped my buttocks maybe a dozen times with the belt.
"Get up!...    Get in the corner!"
Pants still down, I hobbled to the corner, in the foyer next to the front door, and stood.
I gathered that She went back into Her bedroom, to take the girdle off... then came back into the living room to put Her top and pants back on....   "You can turn around now."
I did, pulling up my pants.  "And come here, and help me get my shoes on."
I did...  Then She realized She had not taken Her morning meds yet, so She started doing that,  then She realized She didn't have Her phone with Her and She hoped it was still in Her car.
And She went running out to Her car, and asked me to call ahead to HLB, and let him know that She was delayed, which I did.
I sat down with dessert, to read the newpaper,  then I went to bed, around  11:15 or so.

Slept straight through, until She woke me up about 1703?  ten minutes ahead of my alarm, and I mumbled, I'm sleeping another ten minutes.
Alarm 17:15, and I was upright about 1725.
Toilet, of course.... then shower and dried off and dressed and made iced coffee, then back to the toilet...
She was in Her easy chair, reading the script that HLB had just finished (well, I'm assuming it's finished), and I asked Her if She wished me to supply Her with a "daily orgasm" or two...
She said, no thanks, She was having IBS-type problems, and thanked me for offering.
And off I went, to my car and to work....
And arrived ...  19:30 ish.

NOT a busy night, or even almost-busy.
I did not hear anything from Her until midnight-ish, a text that said, "Going to bed now, saying goodnight...and bring home a loaf of bread."

HsLS  35
HsLO  326
HsLB   13 1/2
D UN  118


As I present the following list,  keep in mind, no one item is more important in my mind than some other one.
I only numbered them to keep them separate.

So,
  From my listed titled "Why I don't feel like I'm really married"  

1.  She talks...gripes...complains... jokes... to me about Her ex-husband,. Stitch, who still lives with us, and with whom She shares time....   in a way that really makes me feel like, She is still HIS wife, and I am ... Her lover ... and She uses me as Her sounding board , to talk about Her problems with him.

2.  Consider all the possible groups and sub groups, starting with
     MY  family .... friends ....  co-workers ....   churchfriends       and
     HIS  family ..... friends ...   co-workers ...    churchfriends?    and
     HER  family .... friends ...   co-workers?      churchfriends
     Having made that list ...  start checking them off,  by  who knows that She and I are married, and who believes that She and Stitch are (still) married.
 
   I do believe that everybody (almost..?) within our circle of  ... um.... "non vanilla" friends know that She and I are married, and that's just fine and dandy,   but I'm just thinking about the vanilla-esque circle,  and the aggravation I feel in the pit of my stomach when we attend Her church socials, and I am introduced as Her (gay!) care giver.

There are ... currently (9) items on this list.  
 I have put one item on each of my seven other blogs,  on the entry with the date "4.22"

04.22 Just a 'thing' for Girdles

The above 'started' it,  after I viewed it, early  0421, before going home

04.20 Diary

My alarm went off at 0800,  with the intent of us getting up to go to service....
but we both had gone through such abdominal distress, that we stayed in.

She got up, and started on breakfast...
And I got told by Stitch, that it was ready....
So I was up, at 1000 or so,   drinking coffee, popping pills, and eating cinnamon toast.

We were sitting on our easy chairs in the living room.... and She said, quietly, just so that I didn't quite hear Her, "Wanna fuck?"
"What?"
"There are only two good answers to that...'
"I couldn't hear the question!"
"Oh! I asked, do you want to fuck..."
After a minute, I just grinned, and we went to El.

We had .... a very good time....   that included, using a couple of vibrators from my collection, while giving Her oral,  and at times, not.
And She told me that She and Stitch 'did it', late Friday night or very early Saturday morning, whichever the case was....which makes, oh, twice during April... that She's told me about.
She told me about taking with Stitch, yesterday, while riding around, and that he did not believe, or chose not to believe, that I really don't mind... or care.... that She and he continue to have sex, now and again.
And I said, I was told about the relationship between them, going into my relationship with Her.
Nothing I can do about it.
Nor should I want to ...do anything about it.
IT does not take anything away from our relationship.
And, I am glad...to see Her happy.

And then She said.... or reminded me....  (not that I needed reminding, as I've had it somewhere in my cerebral cortex for quite some time)  that She is committed to 'locking me up' before She goes out of town, the coming Friday....and will be gone for two overnights...and might not be back on Sunday before I leave for work....  and that I should choose my most comfortable device because She will "probably keep it on me, except for occasional times just to take it out and play with it"  through Her out of town trip that commences with Her flight out of town on May 3, and ends with Her return on May 9.
And She has not spoken of any plans on Her return, whether to unlock me momentarily, temporarily, for a short time, for a long time, or not at all.
And This is a good scenario example of "mixed emotions".
And it's NOT that She doesn't 'trust' me.
I am not going to be schtupping someone else, just because She's out of town.
She knows that. I know that.  
I am SOOOOO very mono.    
It's about the power exchange.
She enjoys the idea of me being locked up, with Her in control.
And, I enjoy having Her in control........................................................ <sometimes, sort of, kind of>

By 13:00, we were done with the fun...
And I had to get moving,  to get ready to go to work.

I showered, dressed, made coffee....   packed up my stuff....
Said goodbye to anybody who wanted to hear it...
Was in my car  about 1415....
And clocked in at work 14:58.
I'm supposed to be here at 14:30, but no one really pays attention, it's MY time I'm losing.
And with it being Easter,,,  the day shift guy was already gone when I arrived.

I 'knocked' out the set up for tomorrow, and wrote 5 days worth of blogs........

HsLS  11
HsLO 302
HsLD  80
D UN  117

from My Affirmations:
 I listen to Her.  Even if She doesn't explicitly tell me to do something,  She might be giving me information on Her needs and wishes.

from My Manifesto
 I will not leave the room without permission at any time unless it is a life threatening emergency.

04.19 Diary

10.00 up, feet on the floor...coffee and snack...  and a strong abdominal reaction to what I think is the teriyaki sauce from last night's dinner....  
And talking to Her, as She was getting ready.
This, by prior agreement, was Her (Satur)day with Stitch, and She had another Installation to attend at a different Lodge, and so... She was taking Stitch with Her.
Since it was 'open' and Stitch would be going in, She wanted him to dress 'nice'.    He was having a tantrum about it, like a ten year old might, and their bickering was so annoying, that I put my fingers in my ears so as to not hear it.
They finished, and he went and changed into 'something nice'... and they departed, around 12 or so.
I carefully went about some chores... carefully, I say, because my knee was still plenty tender from yesterday's fall... AND good-lord-help-me,  my bowels were still reacting in a very annoyed I-have-no-control sort of way.
I stripped the sheets off my bed, and got 'em in the wash, and put the top comforter in the dryer, with a dryer sheet, just to try to get some cat hair of it.
I schepped the stuff we brought in from my car, the previous night, out to the garage door.
I washed dishes and pots.
I emptied the dishwasher.
I had brought in three boxes of kitchen stuff of Hers from the garage to the dining room. I emptied one box, and put in the dishwasher, that which needed washing, and fired it up.
I got the quilt out of the dryer, put the washed sheets in the dryer, and put my load of darks into the wash.
The portable toilet in my El was half full of liquid ..and solid, and I emptied it and cleaned it.
I found my figurines.... poker playing dragons and other things...and unwrapped them, and put them in the glass curio cabinet in my room.
I cleared 90% of the junk off the front porch.... junk that had been there since we moved in.
I got my darks out of the wash, into the dryer.
I watered the trees and plants in the front yard.
I tested the vibrators in Her toy/picnic basket...and could not find even one that worked  with new batteries installed.
And I sat down with a snack of crackers, to rest my knee a bit.
They arrived home, about 3:30....
I accomplished my weekly reading of The Science of Mind.
And I got up, and went out the the dryer, and brought my darks in, and put it all away.
And I got the sheets and quilt on the bed.
I made my weekly phone call to my parents, while She listened, so She could chip in with an occasional "Hi Mom".
And I went out to the garage, to continue with my 'comic counting' project.
I uncovered my box of porno-books ...not picture magazines, but actual softcover books....
And I uncovered my box of my favorite comics... my Buffy the Vampire Slayer collection, and my run of The Inferior Five from 1968, and my complete run of  "Not Brand Ecch" from 1967 to 1969.
 (No, I don't STILL have this from 1967 or 1968,  the ones I had are LONG gone;  I bought these to rebuild those collections,  about fifteen years ago.)
Back in the house..... and I saw, once I opened the dishwasher, that we would have WAY more coffee cups than places to put them....
So I commenced a project of installing hooks hanging down from the base boards of the cupboards...until there were enough hooks for all the cups....
I was just wrapping that up, when She came in, fixin' to prep dinner for Stitch, Herself ..and then me.
Once I had dinner on a tray,  She and I went on into El...
And turned on the t.v.
And watched multiple episodes of The Big Bang Theory,  until we were 'caught up' to the present.

Afterwards, She started watching "Goodfellas' which I tried to ignore ..and sleep...but was not very successful.
I think it was 0100 at lights out... not really sure.....

HsLS  151
HsLO  278
HsLB  56
D Un   116

from My Affirmations:
 I will please Her and do everything I can to make Her feel appreciated for the beautiful woman that She is.

from My Manifesto:
 When I am with Her, I will ask permission before leaving the room, I will explain where I am going, and why. 

04.18 Diary

Up around 04:30 for pee n snack.... 

And up, feet on the ground, around 10:00.

Toilet, coffee, pills, newpaper.

Talking about what had to be done today, in prep for Her Installation/dinner tonight.

She was at Her computer, typing up words for Her speech...

I went to the toilet again... came out of the bathroom, and tripped on an air current....

(seriously,  I don't know what happened but)

And sprawled flat, with my left knee/knee cap taking the brunt of the impact. 

I sat down in my easy chair, while Stitch brought to me a baggie filled with ice to put on my knee....

And She and Stitch went out to do shopping and supply-gathering while I sat there.

They returned with one load ..of perishables...from Von's...and left again, and returned with general supplies from Smart n Final.

I managed to get up, and hobble around some, and load up my minivan with all the goodies...

And Stitch and I rode down to the Lodge where the event was being held.

Getting inside the Lodge was a mini-adventure.

After trying the key She provided us on  the back gate, and the front door, I hopped the brick fence to get inside the courtyard, but the key did not work on the back/kitchen door either.

So Stitch called Her....  and that's when we found out, the key works on the door that faces the parking lot.

Well, once inside, we brought everything in.....

And went about setting up ...and decorating...the (artificial) Christmas tree,  while Stitch set up tables in the dining area.

Once I was done, I went out to my car, and drove off to pick up May, and brought her to our house, to wait until we were ready to go to the dinner.

She was still cooking, and had a ways to go with it.

I showered and dressed, and tried to help Her, washing dishes as She used them etc.

Then She showered and dressed,  while I loaded up the car.

All three of us got in the car, and headed for the Lodge....

And brought everything inside, and dinner was served....  chicken baked in soy/teriyaki sauce with pineapple, rice,  broccoli, and various salads.

I went into the Shrine room, and came back, and told Her, it wasn't quite set up, so She came back with me, and we arranged it as needed.

The members convened for the meeting, shortly after 20:00,  and I went to find a place to get my weight off my knee...and I napped until 21:00 or so.

Stitch came in, and sat up with a jolt, when he woke me up...

And we returned to the dining area for dessert.  

Then came time to pack things up.... 

And un-decorate the tree, and take down the tree, and put it back in the box.

I sat down down somewhere,  and She came up to me, and asked me to 'help' Stitch get the leftovers and stuff in the car.

Grumbling, I stood up and hobbled about...as my knee had completely stiffened up. 

And helping Stitch, as it turned out, meant doing it all myself, as he was nowhere to be seen as I went back and forth to my car.

All got loaded, and the four of us got in the car.

I took May home, and we returned home.  

She told Stitch,  "After I use the bathroom, I will help you unload the car. I want Shilo to just go in, and rest his knee."

We pulled up to the front of the house, and She had Her head back against the rest, and was sound asleep.

So, Stitch  and I unloaded the vehicle, and once we were done, I woke Her up enough to come inside.

Stitch and I continued,  reducing large containers of chicken and cake and broccoli to smaller ones that would fit in the refrigerator.

And I went on to my bedroom, and stripped down, and got into bed.

By a previous decision, this was a night She was to sleep with Stitch....and She came in to get Her CPAP, and to talk to me a few minutes, before going to bed.

And I watched the new episode of Nurse Jackie...

 And was asleep,   00:30 or so.

HsLS  127 

HsLO  254

HsLB  32

D UNl   115

from The Ten Commandments

   I will request punishment when I deserve it, and submit to all punishments that She applies.

from My Manifesto:

 I accept any punishment, discipline, or training regimen that She chooses to give or inflict upon me.

  

04.17 diary

Up around 0400 to pee and get a snack...

She was gone, to work, by the time I got my feet on the floor, around 11:30.

I fed my felines, and scooped, and snacked while popping my pills.

I then went out to the garage, and started looking for the boxes She wanted for Her dinner meeting, the next night.  

I found the Christmas tree box, and the hibuscus box, but couldn't find the Christmas decorations box until She came home, came in the garage, and pointed it out to me.   

Then I sat down to do some toolbox sorting, then took the boxes inside the house... then started on a serious mopping of the kitchen floor.

She left, to run some errand, and I sat down for a quick nap.

She returned home, and told me to pull the spanking bench out to the middle of the floor.

And told me to strip down and get on it...while She went into El, and returned, carrying implements.

She told me THIS was for NOT providing Her with daily orgasm(s)... or even offering to do so.

She began with 18 of a red-handled faux-wood hairbrush on each of my buttocks, on the lower curves near the junction of the thighs....  followed by 18 of the medium holy paddle nearly square in the middle of each buttcheek ... then 18 of the bath brush, up high on each buttcheek.

She took some pictures.....  then after I dressed a little,  we talked a bit about this guy Lx, who had expressed an interested in being Her sub, at one time,  disappeared after our only face to face, and was once again sending Her desperate text messages. 

I "sat" a bit,  and took notes from the new TV Guide...

Then we both showered and dressed....

And were in my car around 17:55...  once again, 10 to 25 minutes later than we planned... oh well, as we were heading for a munch in HB that is billed as starting at 18:30, but it seems whenever we get there at 18:30, it is well in progress.   

We arrived ...1835 or so...and once again,   it almost seemed like we were late.

We were chowing down on chips and salsa as if we hadn't eaten in a week.....  yet it took 35 minutes from our arrival til we were served beverages.   A bit of an annoyance.

Then the guest speaker started....  a Mistress who owns Dragonsgate.  

I've been to that dungeon once, just about a year ago, so I barely recognized her on sight.

While she spoke, I whipped out a nail file, and began ...filing my nails.

I was halfway through number nine, when Merry turned and hissed, "Stop that, please."

Well...  wtf.

Not the place to get into any kind of discussion about it,  so I shrugged, and put the file away....

and had an immense feeling of resentment and anger build up inside my chest.  

When Miss J finished, she opened the floor to discussion.

A question was posed..... whether or when is it okay for a sub to approach a Domme to inquire about playing...

A woman whom I despise from listening to her ravings at a previous munch raised her hand to answer...

And I excused myself to the toilet, so I wouldn't have to listen to her.

I returned, and checks were being passed out.

I paid ours....  and we prepared to leave.

I was very quiet and sullen on the way home...

And went directly to El,  and stripped for bed, and She came in behind me.

I asked for the remote to the tv, which was on Her side of the bed.

It slipped out of Her hand and fell to the floor, so She picked it up... and used Handiwipes to wipe it down.

She set it on the bed next to me and ...I ignored it.

I read a couple days of newpapers , while She lay down, flat on Her back...and started snoring.

I went 'lights out'and tried to go to sleep...... 

And couldn't.  

I was still filling full of resentment  ...

And I couldn't sleep.... because of that, because of Her snoring, because of the noise our lively kittens pair were making, as they frolicked around the bedroom...

I got up, went and had a snack, and sat down, and reclined in my easy chair to sleep....

She got up at Her 'pill time',  came into the dark living room, and found me...and requested I return to the bedroom and bed.... 

Which I did....

HsLS 103

HsLO 230

HsLD  8

D UNl 114

from The Ten Commandments

 I will confess my transgressions to Her, and never lie to Her.

from My Manifesto:

 My raison d'entre is to please Her, to the best of my ability.

Pictures from ..afterwards.

 

04.16 Diary

Off work  0930 and ..away!
On the way home, I stopped by HD, as I had a fixation on acquiring a certain kind of paint-stirring paddle that I had seen in an Impact Play class...  and replacing the string-edger that we bought a month prior, on which I think I burned out the motor.
The store did not carry the type of paint-stirring stick I was looking for, so instead, I acquired a couple of wooden yardsticks, with a different 'device' in mind for it... along with another edger...
And I went home, checked on the animals...  and called Her...while She was at work, and She wanted me to come and meet Her there, to catch up on paperwork.
And I went....
And arrived,  and sat with Daddy W, who signed all the timesheets I had, and I filled in the times on them.... dating back to last mid-December, and prepared them for mailing.
Once done, I made my way out....  went down the road to the mailbox drop that was recommended to me.... then continued on surface streets all the way home in search of a Chev. gas station....   and found one...and put some gas in my car...then went on up the road, sidetracking slightly to take a picture of a beauty shop that had the same name as the company I took for, which seemed amusing....
And went on home, where She had arrived before me, and was a bit puzzled by that, but was okay after I explained my delay.
I put together the string edger  (not a big deal, that)...  got the extension cords out....  and went to it,
until I had whipped the entire front yard,  and the sidewalk area outside of our fenced yard.

More than a little muscle-sore and tired and hot.... I persevered, beginning work on the yardstick project I had in mind.
I had started the project earlier, by gluing two yardsticks together to create one 'thicker' one.
Here I began with grinding down six inches of one end, to create the sense of a skinnier and easier to hold handle, which I then wrapped up in electrical tape.
And I drilled holes down about 18" of the length of it,  in order to lessen wind resistance as it is swung.
That accomplished...
I saw no point in taking a shower, soaking in the hot tub, then taking another shower,  so I stripped down in preparation for going into the hot tub.
She came out to join me, and suggested hosing me down a bit, to get most of the dust and grass debris off of me, before I got it.
Receiving a cold water hosing was not something for which I leaped at the opportunity, but it I had to agree, it was a good idea....
That ...done,  we got in the tub....  and soaked for awhile and talked.
Then up and out....and off to the shower....
She put together dinner,    ham hocks and black eyed peas....  and I moved on into El.

I watched the first ep of "Fargo" and was out, asleep by 2300 or so.
I'm sure She joined me at some point, but I don't remember much about it.

HsLS  79
HsLO 206
HsLB  38
Days Un 113

From The Ten Commandments:
  I will listen to Her attentively whenever She speaks to me. 

From My Manifest:
  I will not discuss Her health with ANYone else... without Her express permission.

04.15 Diary

Delayed getting out of the office; in my car 0645.....
And in  the usual, meaning horrid, traffic, heading south on the 101..
Home, a tick before 0800.
I feed the critters, and scooped the litter box...
And heard Her alarm go off, and went in to say 'hello', and it was little-s waking up to join me, as I put together my breakfast which was lunch and dinner.... and sat and ate while reading the paper....
And to El, and told her to follow me if she really wanted to.....
And I stripped, down to just socks, and lay down prone across my bed, face down...
And she applied strokes of the zombie killer, the dark wood paddle, two different hairbrushes, and then the thick squarish church paddle to my bottom.
 She took a couple pictures, and said, "Gotta get ready for work....see ya..."

I set the dvr on my tv for the new series, Fargo, starting tonight, and I went to sleep...
From 1000 to 1400.
I got up for a pee and a snack...
And back to sleep ..... until She came in, kissing me to say 'hello', around 1715.
And I was upright, feet on the floor, a few minutes later.
Toilet... shower, dressed, toilet...
Coffee (iced) prepped...  
Went to Her to say 'good bye'...
and out, in my car 18:22.

I swear, the same traffic I saw on the 101 that morning, was on the 101 again,  as I was heading to work.
Clocked in  19:28.

After a couple of rough edges to smooth over during shift transition,  it was just an incredibly slow and quiet night.....  Passover week and comin' up to Easter....

HsLS  55
HsLO  182
HsLD  14
DsLC  21 2/3   (this is THREE weeks since my last 'real' cigarette...as opposed to the e-cigs that I still puff on...   I'm no longer going to notate this statistic.)

from The Ten Commandments:
 7. I will ask for Her approval before  going anywhere, doing anything,  or spending anything.

from My Manifesto:
 I will protect Sunshine, at all times.  

The pix that she took, one with flash, one without.....

04.14 Diary

She called me, around midnight, to say that Her Lab was ..very suddenly...paralyzed in the back legs...could not walk or move.
I spoke to Her about it, then had my work associate, who has experience as a Vet/technician, talk to Her.
So I was set, on getting home in the morning, getting the 65-70 lb dog in Her car, and going to Her vet.

In my car 0640.  Had to stop for gas.
LOTS of traffic in my direction.
And... exited the freeway "North" instead of "South"  ...and had to make an inconvenient u turn.

Home, 0735.  I went inside, and found Her laying on the floor next to Fi, keeping her calm. I relieved Her of the position, so She could get up and dressed.
Once ready,  we wrapped Fi in a blanket, and I picked her up, and we went to Her car, and I got her in the back seat, and off we went.
She had called in, and got an 0830 appointment.  We arrived at like  08:30:30.
We did not have to wait long, before being taken into an examining room.
The tech took preliminary date, then the Vet came in, and we talked about it,  then said we could go out to the main room (more comfortable?) while they took Fi in for x-rays.

He called us back in...
And said, "Not... good.   Looks like a herniated disc."
And something like, "..... thousands of dollars...      might not even work...."

Oh ...no.

She made the very hard decision...
And requested Fi to be ... put to rest... right then.

And... we went home.
At times, in silence; at times, in tears.

Home...
I fed the ...animals....,  heated up, and ate dinner while reading the newspaper...
And sat down on my easy chair to start my sleep...at 11:45.
Around 1300,  I got up, and moved into El.

My alarm went off at 1715, I was up at 1725.
Toilet...shower, dress, toilet...
Took pix of kittens and of Cookie, to send to a friend...
And I said good-bye to Her, while I handed Her a card, for our seven-month anniversary...
In my car, 1845,  and at work  19:38.

Passover began at sundown.
Very quiet at work....

Fiona ...

  we miss you.

        we will always love you.

             R.I.P,  Mamma's Beloved Girl

   

    

04.13 Diary

Alarm went off 0800,  and again at 0815, as we thought we would be going to Service.
The heck with that, I decided, and turned the alarm off.
I got up at 1100, when told that breakfast was ready,  warmed-up apple turnovers.
I ate, drank coffee, and read the paper, and took my pills...which included a Chantix...
And immediately felt the aggravation in my stomach.
I went back to bed....
She joined me....and watched movies on tv while I continued to sleep.

I was awake at 1600....
And we talked a bit... then engaged in ... sex.
And went back to sleep, from 1700 to about 1900.
I got up, went to the toilet....showered...  half-dressed (shirt, socks, jock strap...)
And She entered my room, and said, "Bend over the bed."
I did, She went to the toy bag, and got out the heavy dark-wood paddle,  and delivered twenty smacks of it across my buttocks...   then went back to the toy bag, got out the medium church paddle, and delivered about 25 smacks to each of my buttocks.
I thanked Her, and took a few pictures, and She went back to the other room.
I continued dressing...and scooped out the litter box, and added much litter...then took another trip to the toilet...and made coffee...and kissed Her goodbye and packed up ...and was in my car, shortly after 2000.
And got to work, and clocked in at 20:38.

It was the night of the MTV Movie Awards...and it was pretty much ... nuts...most of the night...with a few breathers in between.

HsLS  7
HsLO  134
HsLD   4 1/2
D UN  110
DsLC  19 2/3

from The Ten Commandments
 All chores that need to be done at home are my job, unless She decides otherwise.

from My Manifesto
 I may post pictures of sessions, providing I do not refer to Her by Her given name. 

04.12 Diary

03:00 up to pee, and have a snack...
04:15  alarm.
04:30 up and feet on the floor...showered, dressed,  toilet...and out to car.
At work  05:53.
Out, from work  1046, and in my car.
Home, 11:41.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes for a few minutes before we had to leave...
But wasn't meant to be, every time I sat down, She had something else for me to do or get...

She showered, dressed, and we were in Her car, 1210 or so,  heading for a 1230 meeting at a restaurant, and we arrived 12:40.

This was ... like a two-way interview,  with Merry talking to this guy as a potential sub/slave, and this guy talking to Merry as a potential Domme/Mistress.

I was tired.
Not the kind of bone-weary tired one would get from digging ditches for eight hours, but tired from sleep-deprivation.
I was in a state of .... well, for a few minutes, I will feel my eyes uncontrollably closing, and then a few minutes of being awake, if not totally alert.
And, I can tell you this....if I'm ever in a war zone, and I'm captured by the enemy...and they want to extract information from me, all they have to do is ...keep me from sleeping for awhile.
When I get tired, really tired, my brain is no longer connected to my mouth.
Most, nearly all, of the time.... if you ask me a question, or ask my opinion...I am going to think before I respond.
Not for questions where there is one answer  that is factually based.
Ask me the derivative of x squared with respect to x, and I'll tell you, immediately.
Ask me what I want for dinner tonight, and I'm going to think about it for awhile.
Sometimes, I think so long about an answer, that somebody who does not know me well will repeat the question, thinking that I did not hear them.
But, when I'm tired....  my mouth opens, and words come out, without me having given them any thought.

And so....
Merry and this guy talked for awhile, nearly 90 minutes, while I pitched in a few words now and then (...errrgghh..) and  then we went our separate ways.

Merry and I were barely in the parking lot, and She said,
"I need to talk."
Uh oh.
When She says, "We need to talk," it could be about anything,  just something or other we need to talk about.
When She says, "I need to talk,"  it means, I fucked up, and She's going to tell me about it.
"FOUR times in there, you contradicted what I said.  You are NOT supposed to argue with me in public!"
She then went on to specify two of the times, which I readily admitted to. I'm still not sure what the other times were...  but no matter, I did do it.  I contradicted Her,  basically argued with Her.  A big no-no.
I said, "I did do that, and I'm sorry. I apologize.  When I am this tired, and I think you know how tired I am, my mouth is not connected to my brain, and quite often, my mouth opens, and stuff comes out of it to which I've given no thought.  I am sorry..."
She grumbled, "Well, okay..."  and we went on our way.
..To W's house, where She had to do some final cleaning and prepping, prior to his scheduled return from his vacation, which we thought would be on the 14th.
She started with watering the plants, and I sat down on the couch in the living room...and started to nod off.
She started working on the bathroom, then came into the living room..."Are you going to help me or not?"
Yes, me helping Her was the plan, with that plan being made before I wound up working the two early shifts... but I did manage to get up, and find the broom, and began sweeping the floors.
Then I asked, and She showed me where the Swifter was and I began... whatever the heck it's called, "swifting" the floors...and had done the other rooms, was doing the living room, when W and his roommate came pulling down the driveway, in a Uhaul truck.
Merry went out to meet them, and I continued until I was done in the living
room. And I gave the counters a second wipe down....
Her box...the one She always keeps in the car... of handy wipes..was in the kitchen, and the lid was in the sink, and I was just about to put the lid on the box, when She came in, yelling, "No no no, I have to wash that first..."
Taken completely by surprise, I let go of it,  and went outside,  across the driveway, and sat down against the wall of the other house, to sulk a bit.
She came out...and said, "Let's go."
We got in Her car, and headed off to do our grocery shopping.
We decided to go to the Von's nearby here, rather than the one closer to home, just to see the difference in availability and selection.
All was going well...
When we got to the ice cream aisle,  She found boxes of "Big Sticks",  and in Her excitement,  little-s emerged, and brought them to the cart, and said, 'Look what I got!'
Well, I had seen something I wanted to show Merry... but not little-s, and I told her, "That's great, honey, but I need Merry, right now..."
She said, "O...okay..."  and turned her head away from me, and closed her eyes, and in a couple seconds, Merry opened Her eyes.
And I pointed at some boxes in the ice cream case, and said, "So that's what I should use, right?"
She looked at the boxes.... marked "Magnum Mini" ...and kind of chuckled.
We finished getting what we needed...   and I snagged a venti ice coffee from the Starbx kiosk...and headed for check out.
Done, we went to the car and I loaded it all into the trunk.
In the car, I said, "I would sorta like to stop at Home D, for a few minutes, on the way home..."
She said, 'I would prefer to go home first, and unload the perishables, then go, if you want..."
"Home it is," I said.
We arrived home....I unloaded the trunk...got everything inside, and got everything away.
She started defrosting-prepping chicken for tonight's dinner, and said, "I have key in hand if you want to go to Home D."
"No, not now that I'm home..."
I sat down in my easy chair, thinking about a nap...which would not happen.
I was tired, so tired, but when I closed my eyes, they just popped open again.
I called my parents, just my weekly everything-is-great-here call.
I gather my whites and took them out to the washing machine....
And turned on the hot tub...
And sat down for my weekly reading of The Science of Mind....
Then, She announced, dinner is ready.

After dinner, I stripped, and went out to the hot tub, and after a few minutes, She joined me.

One..of many...topic of conversation was ....  the monthly HSM&PG party, scheduled for the next day.
By way of explanation, I am currently, by personal choice, on a hiatus from public play,  which is to say, I do not wish to be spanked ..in public...such as at parties...   for awhile.
By 'awhile', I told Her, some time previously, I mean,  probably until ..at least...She comes back from the Supreme meetings, in May.
My reasoning for this ....  at the last party we attended, I had a powerful panic attack,  brought on by the crowd, the noise, being left alone, and my own performance anxiety.   When She spanks me at parties, She does not hold much of anything back,  and I need to be ready to 'take it',  and sometimes I just worry whether or not I'll be able to.
And so, I want time to get over that, to get past that...  such that, for the next party I do attend, I won't have any lingering thoughts of THAT panic attack.
She respects my opinion and feelings on that....  and had made plans for a session of Her own, on the receiving end.
In the tub, I told Her, that it would not bother me at all to NOT go to this party.
And.... She agreed.   No problem, no hard feelings, no big deal.

We got out of the tub, and went off to the shower.

Afterwards, I went to El,  turned on my t.v., set the DVR to record Nurse Jackie, that starts a new season the next day, and set it to record Unforgettable, for which two episodes had already been broadcast....
And I found those two episodes On Demand, and I started watching the first one, as She came in to join me.  That ended...I started channel surfing, and found Pacific Rim... about halfway into it.
I started watching in...with Her next to me...and She was fidgeting,  first next to me, then rolling over, then rolling over again....  and cats were jumping on me... and I was just irritable,  and at 1:15 I just turned the t.v. off, and went to sleep.

HsLS  81
HsL0  110
HsLB  25
DAY Un 109
DsLC  18 2/3

from The Ten Commandments:
 I devote myself to serving Her, whether in the bedroom or outside of it. 

from My Manifesto:
 I will not 'post' or 'send' any pictures of Her face ...without Her express permission and approval.