When I got home this morning, there wasn't a lot of time for conversation, as She had to get up and get going, but we did squeeze in some interesting topics:
She pointed out, because we are married, why do we need a contract?
Well, I have thought something along those lines.
She also mentioned that I constantly break the rules anyway....
Well, I dunno about that, but....okay.
The main point is:
Do I want to serve Her? Yes.
Does She want me to serve Her? Yes.
So, with that as the starting point, we'll go from there.
There will be ...there are... guidelines, even 'rules' perhaps. Maybe in writing, maybe not.
I'm kinda ocd, I prefer 'in writing'... but no rush.
So, for now, written contracts are out the window and in the shredder.
The first point She made to me this morning, was in reference to something I said in yesterday's diary entry.... that She lied to me when I asked if She had yet read my blog.
In this morning conversation, She said, She did not lie to me about it,...but might have misled me on Her answer.
My recollection of the prior morning's conversation is that I asked Her directly, "Have you read my blog for today?" and She said, "No," when in fact She had, but She remembers the conversation differently,
And..... well... whatever...who cares...how does it matter, anyway.
Then She mentioned...well, in so many words, told me, that I'm guilty of topping from the bottom.
Well.... up until a year ago, maybe 10 months ago.... I had no clue what that meant.
My limited understanding up to this point is, that it means, during a scene, the bottom tries to run the scene, give directions, as it were.... (which quite frankly, She does, during the few times I've 'topped' Her) but I honestly do not believe I have ever done it myself. When I'm in scene, I put myself under the Top's control. At times, She has asked me if I want this or that or the other, and I answer, but I won't volunteer directions.
She told me, THAT aspect is just a small part of the whole topping/bottom thing.
That I am topping, when I blog with a seemingly constant and endless barrage of scenes I'd like to do.
All of which is ofttimes overwhelming to Her.
I said, "I assumed you were taking notes," which made Her laugh.
(I keep notes about what She likes, but that's just me.)
Then I gave Her a short version of the following, and here's a longer version:
I feel like... a kid, who's been dreaming about candy, for a long long time, but never got to have any.
Then, he gets married, and the Wife says, "And here's our candy store!"
And ohmigosh, he starts running around...he wants this and that and this and that and this....and he wants it all now.
Until the Wife has to say, "Slow down, we're not here just today, we're here for the rest of our lives. And you don't always get to choose the candy, sometimes I'm going to pick it out for you."
And She said, "I've been trying so hard to please you, but it's been all about you and what you want. So, what about what I want?"
That question got lost in the rest of the conversation.
Which is too bad.
What DOES She want?
She's been in more than a few D/s relationships, and yet, I really don't know what She really likes to do.
If it's a very generic 'bottom beating' .... well, every scene I've offered includes that, so.... it would seem like we would both be satisfied in such scenes, eh?
Brings me to another question I pondered during my traffic-snarled drive to work.......
How to describe the pleasure a sadist derives....
When I first started fantasizing about spanking, SO many years ago, I was the spanker, topping a young woman...usually in stockings and garter belt....heh.
I came to realize I wasn't trying to feel the thrill of smacking her buttocks, but actually vicariously imagining what it would be like for my buttocks to be so smacked.
And so began my years of yearning for spankings.
I know what I get from it: the pain that goes with the spankings, the feeling of helplessness, of submission, as I ...submit to it.... the afterburn afterwards.... it's just...delicious.
But what does the ..Sadist get?
Is there pleasure derived from watching me wiggle, watching my buttocks change color?
Over the weekend, She fisted me.
It was not a 'D/s' act, like She's the Dominant, and She did it because ...She can....
but it was something She wanted to do, that I wanted Her to do....
I felt it...oh yeah...and that's my pleasure.... but what is Her pleasure in this?
There's been a couple time when She has had me spank Her.
There's been a couple times when She's had me tie Her down spread eagle, and orally give Her forced orgasms. These would be considered sadistic acts....and She thinks of me as a masochist with a sadistic streak.... which implies that I enjoy it.... but I don't.
At least, not in the general sense.
I would not enjoy spanking just any ol' female bottom.
Because it's Hers, and because She enjoys it.... that, I take pleasure from.
I would not enjoy tying down just any female, and giving her oral as she screams,
But I enjoy it with Her, because She enjoys it so much.
So I'm not a 'general sadist' but a 'specific sadist', specific to Her.
Another conversation I had with myself had to (has to) do with.... what am I missing / lacking from this damn-near perfect relationship and marriage?
The key aspect seems to be..... keeping it REAL.
She frequently spanks me "just for the fuck of it" as She likes to say.
Which doesn't mean, because She 'can', and I don't want Her to,
but because we both enjoy it.
Fact is, I get downright cranky if She does not spank me as often as I would like.
All of which goes a long way to satisfying my craving for the physical aspect of it.
But the emotional? The desire... the urging... to.... keep it REAL.
What seems lacking, is a reluctance on my part to accept the spanking when required to do so.
For non-spankos, a spanking is not something they would typically do a happy dance for.
Also lacking is a punitive aspect.
A spanking should be (treading carefully here...by should be I don't mean, 100% of the time) given for reason. Something, anything, to give me the feeling that it is punitive in nature.
With the reason stated before hand.
"Because I can"... no emotional impact for me.
"For the fuck of it"..... also, no emotional impact.
"You left the toilet seat up." That works.
"You were late getting home." That works.
"I had a bad day, and I'm taking it out on you." That could work.
So, if a reason were given for a spanking about to happen, and was combined with my feigned reluctance to accept it (oh please don't spank me, I won't do it again).... it could bring to me the emotional charge I crave to make it feel REAL.
I'll use another entry to write about the day's events.
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