04.25 My Desire? My Dread? My Destiny? Will it begin today?

She said..several times...before she leaves on a road trip TODAY that she is gonna lock me up until at least her return...and maybe leave me locked up until her return from another trip, eleven days later.

I gotta tell ya, and I've written about it so many times before, that I have a love-hate thing going on with enforced chastity,  ie having a device locked on my package.

You know, it really should not matter.
If I'm not with Her... in bed.... knocking boots... I'm not going to do anything with my winkie anyway, other than urinate (quite frequently)...

But the principle remains.

I WANT Her to have that control....but then, I don't.

I'm tempted... when the time comes  (about 48 hours, as I write this) to tell Her
"Ohmigosh.... I can't find ANY of them.  Do you think Donna got into the drawer and ran off with all of them?"

She seems SO happy

Enchaste and posing naked

Enchasted and posing naked

SO fukking true

Note the numbered plastic tag

The one I choose will probably be like this, assuming I don't lose it first.... <ahem> 

04.22 Diary

My relief dispatch got caught in some of the worst of traffic, and was late coming in to relieve me.
Not a big deal, but I didn't get out until 0710.
And was already in a crappy mood, due to what I heard about changes on my company's health insurance plans.
And I had to stop for gasoline.
And, She had already requested I bring home a loaf of bread.
Skipping the details, as to not re-aggravate myself thinking about it,
I got home about 0830.

I came in the house, She said cheerily, "Good morning.."
And I snapped, "What is so FUCKING good about it....?"
And She walked away, back to Her room.
I fed the animals and scooped, etc....
And went to Her room, to tell Her I was not going to 'shower and come to Her, naked" but was just going to eat and go to bed.
And She said, "If any of my other submissives had responded the way you did this morning...."
 And I actually forget how She finished that sentence.
I got in real close to Her face and said, "We are NOT doing Mistress/slave, we are NOT doing Domme/submissive,  we might be doing Wife/husband and I'm not sure how I feel about that right now,  and right now I'm in a mood that if somebody bumps into me, I will twist a head right off the shoulders..."
She shrugged. "Go. Sleep."
I went... to the kitchen.   Looked inside the fridge for a minute, said "Fuck it,'" and went on to my bedroom, and stripped, and started getting ready to go to sleep without eating.

Then She came in, and started talking to me.
I was not prepared to tell Her what had put me in such a mood, but I was ....willing to calm down and speak civilly.

She offered to make something for me to eat, and I accepted the offer of an omelette.
In a few minutes, we were sitting at the table, eating and reading or talking....
and I went off to bed,. again, around 1030.
Sleep did not come quickly, because my monkey brain would not shut up....
But it finally did.

Alarm off  1700 or so, and I was up at 1740.
Exited my room, to find Her sitting in Her easy chair, reading a book.
(as opposed to the usual of sitting at Her computer desk, so this was a nice change, which She said She planned on it being.)
Toilet...shower...dress...make coffee... toilet ....
Good bye...
In car  1855.
Surprisingly light traffic, at the office 1935.

The woman I usually work with had gone to emergency this day, so I was working next to The Manager.
Which was great....He assisted me in getting the forms filled out for my new health insurance   (and only $200 more per month).

And the rest of the night was easy peazy.

HsLS  59
HsLO  350
HsLB  27 1/2
D UN  119
D.O. 4 Her?   No
Did I offer ?    No

04.21 Diary

Off work, and on my home, arrived about 0730.
I fed the four-footed ones, scooped a box...
And went into Her bedroom, and woke Her up...just about 0800.
I lay down next to Her a few minutes, at Her request,  then we both got up.
She started to dress as She would for going to work, in about 2 hours.
I watched Her put on a bra...  not a sports bra, not a lacy, sexy, see through fuck-me bra,  but a functional bra.

And it reminded me of a picture I had been admiring on tumblr, not many hours prior to this.

So,  while I really 'enjoy' Clothed Female naked male --type spankings, another top fantasy of mine stems from many pictures I've seen courtesy of Nu-west,  featuring women ... wearing girdles and bras and such things, while smacking the bottoms of naked men.
So, yeah, I was thinking about that as She dressed.

Then we got in Her car...and went to "Her" vet's office, in Tor.
  to pick up the ashes of Fiona....   whose birthday it was today,  and so She really thought it appropriate to bring her home today... and I really had to agree.
We drove through a JackBox on the way home for Her 'breakfast'....
And once home, we looked through the mail, and I put together my dinner...  leftover chicken and rice and broccoli and black eyed peas with ham hocks.
She was looking through a women's wear catalog, while we were at the table, and I flipped through it, and mused, "Hmm... any girdles...?"
She looked at me, oddly, and I said, "Got any girdles? I got a fantasy about ...being over the lap of a woman, who is wearing only bra and girdle,  and she beats my bottom..."
"Hold on," She said, and She hurriedly took off Her shoes.... pants...  and top... and went into Her bedroom, and closed the door.
I heard much rummaging about....
Then She came out of the room, wearing a panty girdle that matched Her bra ... carrying Her leather belt...
And She came up to me, reached out and grabbed me by my right ear, and pulled me to "the chair", saying, "Get over here NOW....       On your knees, there.   Take off your pants..."
I pulled my pants down to just below my knees, "That's enough...."
She sat in the chair...   "Get over my lap...."
I did,  and She whipped my buttocks maybe a dozen times with the belt.
"Get up!...    Get in the corner!"
Pants still down, I hobbled to the corner, in the foyer next to the front door, and stood.
I gathered that She went back into Her bedroom, to take the girdle off... then came back into the living room to put Her top and pants back on....   "You can turn around now."
I did, pulling up my pants.  "And come here, and help me get my shoes on."
I did...  Then She realized She had not taken Her morning meds yet, so She started doing that,  then She realized She didn't have Her phone with Her and She hoped it was still in Her car.
And She went running out to Her car, and asked me to call ahead to HLB, and let him know that She was delayed, which I did.
I sat down with dessert, to read the newpaper,  then I went to bed, around  11:15 or so.

Slept straight through, until She woke me up about 1703?  ten minutes ahead of my alarm, and I mumbled, I'm sleeping another ten minutes.
Alarm 17:15, and I was upright about 1725.
Toilet, of course.... then shower and dried off and dressed and made iced coffee, then back to the toilet...
She was in Her easy chair, reading the script that HLB had just finished (well, I'm assuming it's finished), and I asked Her if She wished me to supply Her with a "daily orgasm" or two...
She said, no thanks, She was having IBS-type problems, and thanked me for offering.
And off I went, to my car and to work....
And arrived ...  19:30 ish.

NOT a busy night, or even almost-busy.
I did not hear anything from Her until midnight-ish, a text that said, "Going to bed now, saying goodnight...and bring home a loaf of bread."

HsLS  35
HsLO  326
HsLB   13 1/2
D UN  118


As I present the following list,  keep in mind, no one item is more important in my mind than some other one.
I only numbered them to keep them separate.

So,
  From my listed titled "Why I don't feel like I'm really married"  

1.  She talks...gripes...complains... jokes... to me about Her ex-husband,. Stitch, who still lives with us, and with whom She shares time....   in a way that really makes me feel like, She is still HIS wife, and I am ... Her lover ... and She uses me as Her sounding board , to talk about Her problems with him.

2.  Consider all the possible groups and sub groups, starting with
     MY  family .... friends ....  co-workers ....   churchfriends       and
     HIS  family ..... friends ...   co-workers ...    churchfriends?    and
     HER  family .... friends ...   co-workers?      churchfriends
     Having made that list ...  start checking them off,  by  who knows that She and I are married, and who believes that She and Stitch are (still) married.
 
   I do believe that everybody (almost..?) within our circle of  ... um.... "non vanilla" friends know that She and I are married, and that's just fine and dandy,   but I'm just thinking about the vanilla-esque circle,  and the aggravation I feel in the pit of my stomach when we attend Her church socials, and I am introduced as Her (gay!) care giver.

There are ... currently (9) items on this list.  
 I have put one item on each of my seven other blogs,  on the entry with the date "4.22"

04.22 Just a 'thing' for Girdles

The above 'started' it,  after I viewed it, early  0421, before going home

04.20 Diary

My alarm went off at 0800,  with the intent of us getting up to go to service....
but we both had gone through such abdominal distress, that we stayed in.

She got up, and started on breakfast...
And I got told by Stitch, that it was ready....
So I was up, at 1000 or so,   drinking coffee, popping pills, and eating cinnamon toast.

We were sitting on our easy chairs in the living room.... and She said, quietly, just so that I didn't quite hear Her, "Wanna fuck?"
"What?"
"There are only two good answers to that...'
"I couldn't hear the question!"
"Oh! I asked, do you want to fuck..."
After a minute, I just grinned, and we went to El.

We had .... a very good time....   that included, using a couple of vibrators from my collection, while giving Her oral,  and at times, not.
And She told me that She and Stitch 'did it', late Friday night or very early Saturday morning, whichever the case was....which makes, oh, twice during April... that She's told me about.
She told me about taking with Stitch, yesterday, while riding around, and that he did not believe, or chose not to believe, that I really don't mind... or care.... that She and he continue to have sex, now and again.
And I said, I was told about the relationship between them, going into my relationship with Her.
Nothing I can do about it.
Nor should I want to ...do anything about it.
IT does not take anything away from our relationship.
And, I am glad...to see Her happy.

And then She said.... or reminded me....  (not that I needed reminding, as I've had it somewhere in my cerebral cortex for quite some time)  that She is committed to 'locking me up' before She goes out of town, the coming Friday....and will be gone for two overnights...and might not be back on Sunday before I leave for work....  and that I should choose my most comfortable device because She will "probably keep it on me, except for occasional times just to take it out and play with it"  through Her out of town trip that commences with Her flight out of town on May 3, and ends with Her return on May 9.
And She has not spoken of any plans on Her return, whether to unlock me momentarily, temporarily, for a short time, for a long time, or not at all.
And This is a good scenario example of "mixed emotions".
And it's NOT that She doesn't 'trust' me.
I am not going to be schtupping someone else, just because She's out of town.
She knows that. I know that.  
I am SOOOOO very mono.    
It's about the power exchange.
She enjoys the idea of me being locked up, with Her in control.
And, I enjoy having Her in control........................................................ <sometimes, sort of, kind of>

By 13:00, we were done with the fun...
And I had to get moving,  to get ready to go to work.

I showered, dressed, made coffee....   packed up my stuff....
Said goodbye to anybody who wanted to hear it...
Was in my car  about 1415....
And clocked in at work 14:58.
I'm supposed to be here at 14:30, but no one really pays attention, it's MY time I'm losing.
And with it being Easter,,,  the day shift guy was already gone when I arrived.

I 'knocked' out the set up for tomorrow, and wrote 5 days worth of blogs........

HsLS  11
HsLO 302
HsLD  80
D UN  117

from My Affirmations:
 I listen to Her.  Even if She doesn't explicitly tell me to do something,  She might be giving me information on Her needs and wishes.

from My Manifesto
 I will not leave the room without permission at any time unless it is a life threatening emergency.

04.19 Diary

10.00 up, feet on the floor...coffee and snack...  and a strong abdominal reaction to what I think is the teriyaki sauce from last night's dinner....  
And talking to Her, as She was getting ready.
This, by prior agreement, was Her (Satur)day with Stitch, and She had another Installation to attend at a different Lodge, and so... She was taking Stitch with Her.
Since it was 'open' and Stitch would be going in, She wanted him to dress 'nice'.    He was having a tantrum about it, like a ten year old might, and their bickering was so annoying, that I put my fingers in my ears so as to not hear it.
They finished, and he went and changed into 'something nice'... and they departed, around 12 or so.
I carefully went about some chores... carefully, I say, because my knee was still plenty tender from yesterday's fall... AND good-lord-help-me,  my bowels were still reacting in a very annoyed I-have-no-control sort of way.
I stripped the sheets off my bed, and got 'em in the wash, and put the top comforter in the dryer, with a dryer sheet, just to try to get some cat hair of it.
I schepped the stuff we brought in from my car, the previous night, out to the garage door.
I washed dishes and pots.
I emptied the dishwasher.
I had brought in three boxes of kitchen stuff of Hers from the garage to the dining room. I emptied one box, and put in the dishwasher, that which needed washing, and fired it up.
I got the quilt out of the dryer, put the washed sheets in the dryer, and put my load of darks into the wash.
The portable toilet in my El was half full of liquid ..and solid, and I emptied it and cleaned it.
I found my figurines.... poker playing dragons and other things...and unwrapped them, and put them in the glass curio cabinet in my room.
I cleared 90% of the junk off the front porch.... junk that had been there since we moved in.
I got my darks out of the wash, into the dryer.
I watered the trees and plants in the front yard.
I tested the vibrators in Her toy/picnic basket...and could not find even one that worked  with new batteries installed.
And I sat down with a snack of crackers, to rest my knee a bit.
They arrived home, about 3:30....
I accomplished my weekly reading of The Science of Mind.
And I got up, and went out the the dryer, and brought my darks in, and put it all away.
And I got the sheets and quilt on the bed.
I made my weekly phone call to my parents, while She listened, so She could chip in with an occasional "Hi Mom".
And I went out to the garage, to continue with my 'comic counting' project.
I uncovered my box of porno-books ...not picture magazines, but actual softcover books....
And I uncovered my box of my favorite comics... my Buffy the Vampire Slayer collection, and my run of The Inferior Five from 1968, and my complete run of  "Not Brand Ecch" from 1967 to 1969.
 (No, I don't STILL have this from 1967 or 1968,  the ones I had are LONG gone;  I bought these to rebuild those collections,  about fifteen years ago.)
Back in the house..... and I saw, once I opened the dishwasher, that we would have WAY more coffee cups than places to put them....
So I commenced a project of installing hooks hanging down from the base boards of the cupboards...until there were enough hooks for all the cups....
I was just wrapping that up, when She came in, fixin' to prep dinner for Stitch, Herself ..and then me.
Once I had dinner on a tray,  She and I went on into El...
And turned on the t.v.
And watched multiple episodes of The Big Bang Theory,  until we were 'caught up' to the present.

Afterwards, She started watching "Goodfellas' which I tried to ignore ..and sleep...but was not very successful.
I think it was 0100 at lights out... not really sure.....

HsLS  151
HsLO  278
HsLB  56
D Un   116

from My Affirmations:
 I will please Her and do everything I can to make Her feel appreciated for the beautiful woman that She is.

from My Manifesto:
 When I am with Her, I will ask permission before leaving the room, I will explain where I am going, and why. 

04.18 Diary

Up around 04:30 for pee n snack.... 

And up, feet on the ground, around 10:00.

Toilet, coffee, pills, newpaper.

Talking about what had to be done today, in prep for Her Installation/dinner tonight.

She was at Her computer, typing up words for Her speech...

I went to the toilet again... came out of the bathroom, and tripped on an air current....

(seriously,  I don't know what happened but)

And sprawled flat, with my left knee/knee cap taking the brunt of the impact. 

I sat down in my easy chair, while Stitch brought to me a baggie filled with ice to put on my knee....

And She and Stitch went out to do shopping and supply-gathering while I sat there.

They returned with one load ..of perishables...from Von's...and left again, and returned with general supplies from Smart n Final.

I managed to get up, and hobble around some, and load up my minivan with all the goodies...

And Stitch and I rode down to the Lodge where the event was being held.

Getting inside the Lodge was a mini-adventure.

After trying the key She provided us on  the back gate, and the front door, I hopped the brick fence to get inside the courtyard, but the key did not work on the back/kitchen door either.

So Stitch called Her....  and that's when we found out, the key works on the door that faces the parking lot.

Well, once inside, we brought everything in.....

And went about setting up ...and decorating...the (artificial) Christmas tree,  while Stitch set up tables in the dining area.

Once I was done, I went out to my car, and drove off to pick up May, and brought her to our house, to wait until we were ready to go to the dinner.

She was still cooking, and had a ways to go with it.

I showered and dressed, and tried to help Her, washing dishes as She used them etc.

Then She showered and dressed,  while I loaded up the car.

All three of us got in the car, and headed for the Lodge....

And brought everything inside, and dinner was served....  chicken baked in soy/teriyaki sauce with pineapple, rice,  broccoli, and various salads.

I went into the Shrine room, and came back, and told Her, it wasn't quite set up, so She came back with me, and we arranged it as needed.

The members convened for the meeting, shortly after 20:00,  and I went to find a place to get my weight off my knee...and I napped until 21:00 or so.

Stitch came in, and sat up with a jolt, when he woke me up...

And we returned to the dining area for dessert.  

Then came time to pack things up.... 

And un-decorate the tree, and take down the tree, and put it back in the box.

I sat down down somewhere,  and She came up to me, and asked me to 'help' Stitch get the leftovers and stuff in the car.

Grumbling, I stood up and hobbled about...as my knee had completely stiffened up. 

And helping Stitch, as it turned out, meant doing it all myself, as he was nowhere to be seen as I went back and forth to my car.

All got loaded, and the four of us got in the car.

I took May home, and we returned home.  

She told Stitch,  "After I use the bathroom, I will help you unload the car. I want Shilo to just go in, and rest his knee."

We pulled up to the front of the house, and She had Her head back against the rest, and was sound asleep.

So, Stitch  and I unloaded the vehicle, and once we were done, I woke Her up enough to come inside.

Stitch and I continued,  reducing large containers of chicken and cake and broccoli to smaller ones that would fit in the refrigerator.

And I went on to my bedroom, and stripped down, and got into bed.

By a previous decision, this was a night She was to sleep with Stitch....and She came in to get Her CPAP, and to talk to me a few minutes, before going to bed.

And I watched the new episode of Nurse Jackie...

 And was asleep,   00:30 or so.

HsLS  127 

HsLO  254

HsLB  32

D UNl   115

from The Ten Commandments

   I will request punishment when I deserve it, and submit to all punishments that She applies.

from My Manifesto:

 I accept any punishment, discipline, or training regimen that She chooses to give or inflict upon me.