Journal April 6th

My wife and I have a mutual passion: spanking.
She enjoys spanking me; I enjoy being spanked.
It's what our first date was all about. Not dinner and a movie or a walk on the beach, but getting together for a hard spanking session, with me as the spankEE.

Only after that and a few more dates, did we fall in love and started engaging in other passions.
We married.
And continued our passions during our marriage.
We had ups and downs for sure.... periods of time when she wasn't physically able, periods of time that I was in a funk, just not wanting to engage ... in anything.

And there came a time when I retreated to the time before I met her, when I would fantasize about spanking, or rather being spanked, and masturbate to it, completely without engaging in sex with another or being spanked by another.

I became short tempered, snappy ...

It seems that I've reverted to thinking that "wanting to be spanked" was ... perverted, NOT right-minding thinking ...
and best if I kept the desire to myself.  
My lack of interest in RL spanking has manifested in a lack of interest in RL sex.  
For which my wife blames herself, thinking there's something wrong with her.

I am ... lost. 
And, searching for some amazing grace.