WHAT is wrong with me?
I mean, besides being overweight, being pre diabetic, having high blood pressure, being somewhat gluten intolerant, being stressed from wondering if my company will be in business tomorrow, wondering how we'll pay our bills this month....
So, besides all that.
I know I like spanking. More than 'like', I obsess over it. Or rather, I obsess over the image in my head of being spanked.
It's not like I'm alone in the world, lacking any kind of way of actualizing the images.
My wife, Merry, is -- would be -- happy to spank me ... anytime I'd suggest it. She enjoys the activity almost as much as I do. Maybe as much. It's difficult to put a numerical comparison on things such as this.
Yet, I do NOT suggest it. I decline her offers when she suggests the activity, having gone so far as to tell her to NOT suggest it at all, ever, again, until I tell her that I'm ready.
And still, I spend quiet nights at work looking at images, gifs, video clips, of guys being spanked ... by male or female, I don't care.
And I fantasize. I wistfully think, "Wish it were me."
I make up stories, with me on the receiving end of a hard spanking.
Then, I leave work in the morning, images dancing in my head, thinking, "This will be the morning that I suggest some activity."
And I get home, and I pee, again, and feed the animals, and check on her, and either she is sound asleep, or Sunshine is awake, playing games on her phone ...
And I change my mind.
I eat somethin', maybe watch t.v., and go to bed, usually next to her, and go to sleep, while fantasizing about being spanked.
I feel like I'm punishing myself by depriving myself of an enjoyable activity.
Just as feel like I'm punishing her in the same way.
If so, it is NOT intentional.
I'm at a loss as to how to break this pattern.
My previous response to you got eaten up for some reason and now I'm just pissed. I will try again:
ReplyDeleteI do feel punished by the lack of activity. If you add the events of the past month and put it together, I'm sure you can see how it would affect me. Between my own self-loathing and your disinterest in me, I feel even more undesirable.
Your verbal reassurances don't mean anything to me, because your actions show me how you really feel. I do understand that sometimes not feeling well can get in the way, but even then, you've never even bothered to try to reschedule activity.
You already know that it wouldn't bother me to be awakened for activity, and that I would welcome the opportunity to do so. As far as Sunshine is concerned, I know that she will happily do whatever you asked of her, up to and including letting me out.
I deserve to have my love returned by you and to feel desired. It's nice to have people who feel I'm attractive, but the only opinion that really matters to me is YOURS.