Special Journal Late June 3, early June 4

Pillow talk, in bed, after sex that didn't include intercourse.

I suggested she take a poll of 100 men who couldn't 'get it up' for sex, and how they felt about themselves.
Less of a man?  maybe
A failure?   Probably
A let-down to one's partner?  Yep.
She told me, and has told me before to 'not worry about it', but you know words don't help.
As of late, and this has been going on for QUITE a while, my penis doesn't rising until/unless my mind is filled with visions - fantasies of but not limited to
  butt sex, receiving, from dick or dildo
   butt sex, delivering
  real spankings  in  
      a   Mommy-son scene 
      a   Strict wife - spanked hubby scene
       a   While being watched by others 
  Mixed sex with a TG,  whether sucking, fucking, or being fucked

We talked about her budding relationship with HY.  Many of her diary entries on Fet as of late are on exploration of her feelings relating to him, and her being the masochist/bottom.  She is having trouble referring to herself as a 'bottom' (just like I despise being referred to as 'slave', but for me, much moreso).   Dunno what the problem is for her.  If she quacks like a duck...  or acts like a bottom ...
Whatever, just a word, a label.  

Meanwhile, she asked me if I 'wanted' her to ... lustfully express her desire for sex while she's playing with him.
I said, that would probably be a turn-on for me, were I there to witness or hear it, but in my absence, just do whatever feel's good or right to you at the time.

Cuckolding: I told her I have a fantasy or two ...
  One, written on TGOF, where I walk in the house to see a back view of some guy mounted and fucking her doggy style... and I quietly grab a minute of video, then equally quietly leave the house, then call ahead to announce myself. (and later using the video to my advantage...)
  Another, not yet written, where she is telling me how good and hard some guy was fucking her, while she strokes my cock with a finger in my ass...  
 Fantasies, though. Hypotheticals.  Hypothetically, seems like a turn on for me.  Should it happen in the Real?  I just can't see how I'd feel.

We used to have a BDSM relationship, she said. Now it's H&W-vanilla. (husband and wife, in case you'd couldn't figure it out.)
What happened?  
Who is to say.
I know (for now... my feelings seem to change as often as the day of the week) that I don't want to be a slave/submissive/subhub.
Just ... a bottom. I admit to being the masochist in our relationship.
Well, masochist for spankings.  Not talking about nipple-pinching or CBT ... I just like having my bottom spanked.  
(and anal play. Been too long since I had a foreign object in my ass. She tried at a party, a while ago.  Different story.) 
Anyway, I enjoy being spanked. I desire it, I crave it, I write about it.  
   One blog on Yahoo, two on Tumbler, one on Flicker, and on blogger, topics like  "He who Masturbates gets Spanked", "Men Naked and Spanked", "Men Shamed Humiliated Embarrassed", "Red Rumps on Display".
The problem is  Real Life.
Our life together started with her spanking me. OUr first date was at a party,  five years and three days ago, with me on a bench, and her whacking my bottom with a paddle.
Since then we've gone through ups, with spankings administered twice a day, for quite a while.
And we created a slew (55+)of videos that we've put on our clips4sale site.
But lately? Now?
IT's been a LONG time. 
The last time?
I haveta research this blog. Don't go anywhere.

April 17th, it seems.

In the meantime, I have desired it, to the point of masturbating almost every single morning home from work with fantasies of spanking in my head.

But there was a time she remembers well, when I said, in certain terms, "DO not ask me about spanking. Do not suggest it. Do not say it. Wait for me to ask." 

And in that time, I have not ... asked.
I've thought about it, on the way home from work.
Then changed my mind as I walked in the door.

Why?
If I clearly crave the spankings so much, why do I decline, refuse, or not take advantage of any opportunities?

THAT is the question. Whether tis nobler to suffer in the mind, or to say 'fuck that' and get Real.

What is going through my head, and my heart, when I say or think "No" ? 

Merry suggested, 'shame'? 
   Maybe some of that.  On some level, I might be 'ashamed' that I enjoy this.  Yeah, sometimes, I feel that, other times I let go of it, thinking, 'the heart wants what the heart wants'.
   Fear?   Definitely some of that.  Merry can be (is...) a sadist, well, with me, 'cause she knows I can take a hard beating. (sometimes, when I'm um in shape).
But Merry likes to hit me in places I'm not overly fond of being hit  (sit spot, lower thighs, front of thighs) and well sometimes I just feel scared about ... taking a spanking from her... unless, maybe we can negotiate in advance to stick to the rump.
  
And there's this.
   In our RL H&W relationship, I'm passed or over  wanting or allowing her to ORDER me to prep for/accept a spanking.  
It's fine in a scene, or for a video, or maybe at dungeon parties where I'll play the part as her sub,  but as h&w, and as adults, spanking play is, should be, consensual.  just like  sex, or deciding what to watch, a give and take discussion  (Hey, you wanna ...)
I want to keep this as something she likes to give and I like to receive.
Which led to this discussion:
  Don't tell me  "It's time for a spanking" or "Get ready for a spanking" or "strip for a spanking".  Don't use a command statement. My reaction is very likely to be, a gesture with my right hand with middle finger straight out, other fingers folded down. 

Put it in a form declaring what you want.
"I want to spank you."
That's not a command. That's not an order. It's just a statement of what you want.  
I want this form of statement, to help me process my own feelings.
IF I were to say, "No thanks" Maybe I can learn to document my feelings and learn just what is holding me back.
IE to think about, "Why did I say no?"
IF it came as a command "Get ready for a spanking"  I could blame my "no" as coming from my Ego.
But with this statement "I want to spank you", maybe I can listen to myself, and hear my inner reason why for saying no.
Am I ashamed?  (if so, why?)
 Am I scared?  (If so,  maybe pre-negotiations would help?
I cannot think of any other not-really-good reasons to say No, and maybe, this kind of phrasing will assist in me coming to terms with myself
  OR  I will learn to say OKAY and you know, wind up getting what I really really want.

A stinging, achy, butt.

Like I'm sitting on right now,  thanks to sixty or so with a bath brush, administered just before I left for work, tonight.