Obsessed

 Started this 12/03  1945

I have felt depressed a lot lately, and I am going to speculate it's because I am obsessed with ... not getting what I want, not knowing what I want, not being physically able to get what I want.

For a long time, I had no libido, no interest, in spanking (being spanked) or sex.

"It" has returned, slowly, bit by bit.

I have been able to masturbate a few times, albeit with no erection....

Always to fantasies about being spanked.

I've gone as far as to request sildenafil from my doctor. 1 time with 25mg, nothing happened. Next time, 50mg, nothing happened. Three pills of 25mg remain, I shall try those...soon.

Meanwhile, I've been reading on Twitter and Tumblr about  cuckolding, chastity, DD and the like...  and I feel like I want it all, and at the same time, i don't understand it.

I've read about being 'locked up and pussy free'.  Why?  Just because your mate is, um, screwing around with whomever she wants, why should that preclude you/me from having some kind of ...normal sex..?

I don't get it, but it sounds kinda fun.

But Merry couldn't, won't, do that.  She has had sex outside our marriage, once, but it was with my knowledge and blessing, but she'll argue to the death that it wasn't cuckolding.  I was not locked up, I was not left to be without.

Nor would she repeat it, without making a connection first, which ... takes time.

Chastity for me... what would be the point?

Merry used to say she could not do small penis humiliation on me because, well, I did NOT have a small penis.

Now, maybe I do. She has not had a good look at it lately, and I haven't measured it lately, but I think now I could qualify.

But, what would be the point of caging a cock that doesn't get hard, anyway?

So

Meanwhile, my recurring fantasy, I mean I go to sleep with it most every night:

What if:  I was still a virgin at 20 (not far fetched, I was a virgin until I was 19) and came down with something like prostate cancer.... prostate removed, hormone therapy, so I had no libido, unable to get an erection.... a life led with no female companionship, because what woman would want me?  The fantasy goes on, with some woman wanting to be 'with' me, but has to go elsewhere for sexual satisfaction. 

Sometimes I think I would have been better off, never having female companionship in my life, I just dunno. I went through MOST of my life preferring masturbation to intercourse with the woman I was with (current marriage excepted).  What if I had continued my whole life, single?

Well, I AM married, and I don't know if I could have gotten through my C diagnosis and treatment without Merry.

But is this non-contact relationship okay with Merry? She says it is.

She suggested some kind of breast torture I could give her. I said I would, but I haven't yet.  Either she's not 'feeling' it, or I'm not, or some other reason.

Spanking: I LOVE the idea, as opposed to 18 months of not caring.

At my request, she spanked me on the 14th,15th,16th and 22nd.  So, now it's been almost two weeks. It's been up to me to call for it, and I have been ... oh, hesitant. Maybe it's the 'quid pro quo' aspect. If she spanks me, I feel obligated to do something for her.  I don't like feeling obligated.  

With a view towards DD, Here's a suggestion for Merry to consider: 

Make a list of things I do that are annoying or irksome to you.

We probably can't get into household chores. I'm rarely physically able, and Stitch takes care of most of 'em.

But I could suggest: 

*smart mouth, sarcasm, belittling, nagging... anything out of my mouth you could deem as hurtful

*ensuring I shower, at least every other day

*ensuring my diaper is changed and clean, every day/night

*whatever she might think of that I might agree to...

With this list of things I agree are 'bad habits', I suggest some form of corporal punishment is indicated. Immediate, not to be put off.

Exact 'number' to be discussed OR determined by Spanker, OR use the random spanking selector (my preference)

That's all I got for now, I hope this gets all 'this' out of my head.