Confessions

The last time I remember going to a play party with Merry was just before Halloween... the night I stepped into a pothole and broke my right ankle.
A couple months later, once my ankle was deemed healed, we started planning on going to parties.  
And 'stuff' got in the way.
Mostly with me... getting sick, in some fashion, whether my stomach was just all upset, or I was throwing up ... 
And the illness was 'real'. I've had ongoing bouts with IBS, and I've had to strive to be careful with my diet.
But ... how much of it was psychosomatic? How much of it was brought on by emotional factors?
Much, I believe.
Mostly ... fear.
I've been out of practice on the receiving end of impact play.
Which is to say, I haven't been getting many spankings lately.
(June 30th, June 29th, June 18th, and before that, gotta go back to early May).
At this point, Merry is probably shouting, "It's YOUR fault! I constantly offer, you say no, I've given up trying!"
Well, yeah, there's that.
A lot of self-denial (saying 'no' when I really wanna say 'yes') on my part.
Still, I don't wanna go to a play party unless I am 'in shape'.
Because, Merry has a small problem with shifting gears. At parties, she only seems to know one gear, which is pedal-to-the-metal.  It's kinda like she's showing off, as if to demonstrate, "See what I can do! See what he can take!"
 And I am afraid of that.
I need to work up to it (party going, and the way we used to play at parties).  I need to get 'into shape', which is to say, get my backside toughened up.
The little sessions we had this week (40 with pizza paddle on Wednesday,  25 with the Light n Skinny on Thursday) were ... really fast, and so much on the sit spot, that I immediately sported a bruise there.  
 To build up, and work up my tolerance, I need, well,  more, and longer lasting  but slower....and not in the same place, ya know.  
And certainly, more often.   
Actually, I'd kinda like all this, even if it wasn't for re-conditioning purposes.

One problem we've had: even at times when I was in the mood, or would NOT  have said no, is the disparity of our schedules.
Seems like when I'm up, she's going to sleep or napping, or she's up and I am sleeping.
And she's spent a lot of time, lately, shuttling #2 son, either back and forth from home to our house (to work on his car) or  to the CoH for his appointments.  
Or, Sunshine has been 'out'... way too much, or at inconvenient times.

So, there it is. Or, rather, HERE it is.
I've been ducking out of going to play parties with Merry, out of fear that I can't handle whatever she decides to give me.
I want to get some uh training, first.  Real practice, damn near daily.  
I'm sure Merry won't mind. 
We just gotta synchronize our schedules a bit.