Discontent:
Why, oh why, does it seem like... 'good' is not good enough, 'great' is not 'great' enough, 'perfect' is not perfect enough?
Here I am, in this delightful relationship... that started as being play partners, became D/s, then M/s, then at my urging, has become FL-DD....
I've been in chat rooms, where jealous guys have told me how lucky I am...
I fantasized for years.... of having a woman (Wife/Aunt/Mistress) who would take control of me, and ensure that my bottom was hot and bothered, frequently.
And I married that woman.
I get spankings/beatings/discipline, often twice a day, or at least once a day, barring health, timing, or other issues.
I've had some memorable ones, I've had some painful ones, I've had some that left ghastly bruises on my thighs and bottom.
And yet, I'm almost always left thinking, "That was good, but it could have been better if...."
Some part of my discontent is....because I enjoy it so much, and She knows I enjoy it.
I relish the spankings... on occasion, I've had to ask for it... and that seems to detract from the disciplinary aspect of it.
There is no doubt that I do wiggle and moan and grunt as implements strike my bottom and thighs.
It hurts...but it hurts so good.
I've taken some rather hard thrashings, but almost none that have caused me to call 'purple'.
Two instances:
1. Little-S was using a cane (or three) on me... and at some point, I cried out, "J..., help..."
And THAT was because Little-S was hitting above my tailbone, and wrapping the cane around my waist. Seriously, no fair!
2. In a dungeon, a session that started with me over a bench, then upright against a cross, then She told me to get back over the bench, and said, "Tell me what you want me to use now, or I'll choose myself," and I said, "Purple." I don't know if I told this to Her then, or later, or at all, but I did not say 'purple' because of any limit I reached, but out of my annoyance...I really felt She was 'showing off' for the film producers that were watching... that this session was not between Her and me, but She was performing to an audience.
If any others are known, I'd like to be reminded.
I feel like....I'm looking for that edge.... that spark.... of fear such that I'm not asking or hoping for a spanking, but rather, I'm dreading it.
I want to feel that sense of dread... the dread a 'little boy' feels, when Mommy says, "Get your clothes off, your bottom is getting a beating."
I just don't know how to get that feeling, and maybe, maybe that's why I continuously try to ...improve ...on scenarios, wondering, thinking, "How could this have been better?"
On Confusion....
Yep, I'm married to Her.
And ...I have to keep reminding myself of that.
We live in the same house.... but She spends most of Her time in the other bedroom.
(where Her computer is, and so most of Her waking hours at home are spent in front of it)
We haven't slept a night together since Saturday night.... (9 nights right now, but to be fair, I have worked seven of those nights, one night was MY choice for us to be together, and the other was Her choice).
We have slept a few daylight hours together, since then, though.
We haven't had sex since that Saturday.
(Sunday, a travel day; Monday, She didn't feel well, Tuesday morning I don't remember why not, and I've been locked in chastity since Tuesday afternoon....)
My last weekend off work, there was no 'us' time because I spent one day ...processing... and by the next day, Her 4th son was at the house.... we had some 'us' time Sunday afternoon.
So, I've been working five nights, and it's 13 hours from the time I leave til the time I get home.
She's never up and awake to greet me when I get home.
So, by the time I can wake her up, we have a couple hours together, before I need to get something to eat, and then go to bed....by myself.
In the afternoon, my alarm goes off at 1645, and I try to be in my car and rolling at 1800, so there's a scant half an hour or so that we can talk, before I have to start getting ready, and by that time, R is home, and She is talking to him....
Is it any wonder that "being married" has not really sunk in to my core?
on being overwhelmed...
We had a chat, and She admitted that time management is not one of Her strong suits.
Which is to say, there's plenty of things that need doing, and ... She's not been doing them.
She's been telling me for the better part of a week, that She needs to go to K, and get medical files.... but She hasn't.
Thank-you cards should be written and mailed, from our wedding, ten weeks ago...that haven't been.
We've been in the house, 57 days. There are still boxes and stuff laying around, that make it look like we've been there only a week or so.
We have a young temporary boarder that was supposed to do room painting in exchange for rent.
So far, it seems like, she paints a day, then takes two weeks off.
Is the bathroom ready? I wish I knew. Someone is supposed to change the light fixture. Are we going to put in the new shower curtain? I dunno....
The kitchen.... the painting is taking way too long. I want the kitchen ready, so we can unpack boxes and boxes. We bought a toaster oven a month ago, still in the box. We bought a set of glasses over a month ago, still in the box.
Curtains! A month ago, She made a point of going out to find curtains and rods. All are still in the packages.
The garage.... there's barely one path to walk through the garage.
I need to get in there, start with the library, rearrange the shelves, and unpack book boxes, then I can move the comic book boxes into one of those rooms, maybe get other boxes moved or emptied...
THEN we can go and empty Her storage unit, and save a bunch of money on the rent spent on that.
So, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, because it looks like I am going to have to take charge on all of this.
on being passive-aggressive
Up to now... my response mechanism to something (word, action) I don't like, is via some passive-aggressive reaction, as often as not, self-destructive in nature.
For example:
1. There was a posting on FL, and I put up comments that She did not want everybody to see, as She believed I would be embarrassing myself and Her ...and so She deleted the entire post. Without telling me that She was going to do so. Certainly Her prerogative. My reaction was to go into my profile, remove myself from every group I had joined, delete every journal or other writing I had, and pare down my fetish list to a 'bare' minimum.
2. In response to Her decision regarding my current chastity, a week ago, I bought a pack of cigarettes on the way to work, and smoked 8 of them.
3. Recently, She told me, She wants to go to a NYE party at the BoD, knowing that I have to work that night, and how did I feel about that? I told Her, I did not like ...Her going, without me. She said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm going, anyway." My response .... I posted on my profile that I do not want to attend any more parties ...at all...through the end of 2013. (I know I can be TOLD to go, thus I wrote that I do not 'want' to go.)
Well, we had a bit of an IM-chat about this, earlier tonight.
The essence of it came down to:
TALK ABOUT IT.
QUIT DOING SHIT WITHOUT CONSULTING WITH ME.
TALK TO ME.
Well, you know, nothing I do seems to work out very well, so yeah, maybe I'll give that a try.
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