10 April Morning musings

During quiet time at work...

I browse spanking-tube and xHamster and tumbr.
I look at all manner of depictions of F/m spanking.
I find myself ...just wishing.
It reminds me of my life a few years ago...before I met Merry ...  when all I could do was wish.
Ever since my accident, last late October, and her accident two weeks later... we've gotten away, far away, from Funishments.
We've engaged in a few.... very minor....very quick 'sessions', but nothing to get aroused about.
I know I've been cranky and snappy to Her.  
I've told Her, "...we just can't seem to communicate..."
But maybe ...  it's a question of just what I'm trying to communicate.
Is it really, the shopping list ... or the bill list, that I'm talking about ... or is it, what's going on, deep inside?

I feel like ... that I've mentally, emotionally, retreated to the place I was oh 3 1/2 or 4 years ago, when I simply would or could not admit to another person that I enjoy the idea, the process, the procedure, of having my bare bottom spanked.
Once I decided, oh fukkit, and admitted it, the flood gates opened, and I found myself getting spanked by strangers on first meetings.  

Now, I'm finding myself  ashamed to admit to my own wife that ... I want Her to spank me.   
Even though that whole scene was how our relationship started.
She offers, I decline ...many more times than I've accepted.
We tentatively plan to go to some dungeon-party or other, then the day of, find some reason to not go.

I really don't know what the heck is wrong with me.