Journal Tuesday 27 April

My diary entries have...for the most part...been a log of what I've been doing, on a day to day basis,  consisting lately of  "I did this, I did that; I went here, I went there; I watched this and then that; I ate this and then that."
I did not record much in the way of how I feel about all that, or anything else. 
So, it's been pretty much a record of 'just the facts'. 

THIS will be different, regarding:

STRESSORS in my life:

 First one is about money, the lack thereof.
  Stitch and I, combined, don't bring home enough $ to cover our house payment and the monthly bills.  We're constantly behind  on something, except in those months when we get a different cash infusion of some kind.
 Recently we acquired a credit card that we used to buy groceries and pay some bills, which gave us a chance to catch up in March and April. I worry about how we'll get through coming months.
 Medical bills...we have plenty.  I signed up for the cheapest insurance, at work, and ....after three trips to an emergency room, two by Merry, one by me, at the end of last year, we owe hospitals, we owe for tests, we owe, we owe, we owe.
 Merry has an outstanding debt to the SSA, for money they paid to her after we got married, and now they want back.   We haven't had any communication from them in a while, but I gotta think, it's only a matter of time.
 I owe the IRS a pile of money. I was on an installment plan, then they got butt-hurt when I didn't actual pay the piddling amount I owed when I filed in 2014 and they cancelled the installment plan, demanding total payment in full.  I ignored that demand, and I live in terror of getting a garnishment notice on my paycheck, or having them snap up my bank account, like the FTB did, a few years ago.

Then there's Bullfrog.
We rented to him a room in the back of our garage, for an agreed upon rate of $300 a month.  That was in September, I think... 
Seven months later, I don't think we've gotten a total of $300 from him yet.  When he did pay us anything, it was $50 at a time.  And that was when he had free usage of my car, as his own, because my ankle was healing, and I wasn't doing any driving.  Then I demanded my car back, and we haven't seen another nickel since.
I get aggravated when I see him around the house.  I get aggravated more to hear Merry talk about him asking, and her sometimes complying with,  driving him someplace or other.
I REALLY want to get a restraining order against him and then call the police on him for trespassing, next time he shows up at the house.   I probably won't do any of that, anytime soon, but I really want to do it.

The house:
  So, Stitch and Merry (..I was sick...) cleared out the garage to make room for #2's 'other car',  the one he is supposed to fix up and get running, but in the meantime, the C of LB ordered us to get it out of sight, or they would cite us.  
  In clearing out the garage, they filled what used to be our spare bedroom with MANY boxes, and moved some furniture into the backyard, and some into the living room.  Our house is beginning to look like one big storage unit.
 So we have #1 using one back room in the garage PLUS a quarter of the back of the garage, and we have #2's car using up half the garage, and I mean,  WTF? 

The yard:
  Merry wants to just dig up the grass in our front yard so we don't have any that we'd have to cut or water.
  She intended to help.
  Two weeks ago, she spent 45 minutes in the front yard, before she had had enough.
  This project is not going to happen unless we hire someone to do it.

Then there's what's going on inside my head.
First off, I'm depressed.  I take a med for it, but ... I know I am depressed.   
Not so long ago, Merry and I had a fun BDSM--DD relationship.  We had fun.  We made videos.  It got me out of my head.
Lately, and mostly since my accident, late October,
    "fun" sessions have been few and far between, and certainly not for lack of effort on Merry's part.  It's all been me, saying "no ... no ... no".  
  Parties that we considered going to,  I found reasons not to go to. I'd see a party...two weeks ahead, and think, that looks fun. Come the day of... nope.   
  Sex ... has been infrequent.  Last time, a couple weeks ago?  I could look up the exact date, but ...whatever.    There's been a lack of ... drive, interest, on my part.
 So... WTF is wrong wit' me?
 I really don't have a good way of knowing for sure, but I can speculate, I suppose:
    I've internally rebelled against being a 'submissive'.  It doesn't work for me.  I feel like, or I think, I know better about 'things' on day to day decisions.  I apply logic to most of my decisions.  I don't like being told what to do when I think I know better. 
 Does this make me a 'Dominant'?  Not necessarily. Maybe, it makes me someone who wants to be in a '50 50' relationship, where things are equal, and discussed rationally.
   But then there are my fantasies, the ones still bouncing around in my head.   On the rare (emphasis on 'rare') times I've masturbated during a drought of actual sex (all my doing, I am quite aware; Merry would be more than willing and ecstatically happy were I to say, I'm in the mood...),  there are fantasies in my head.  And such fantasies always (I did not say almost always but always) consist of some scenario featuring me, as a spankee, as the recipient of an F/m spanking.  This should suggest to the most casual of readers that this scenario is something that I want, that I crave.  (Some might say, need,  but that's a hot-button word for me.  I don't need to be spanked, but by gosh n damn, I want to be.)
   And for 2 1/2 years, it's what I was getting, from Merry.  And enjoying it.  Even when it hurt so damn much.   
  WTF happened?
   I retreated ... to that place I was, in my head, some years ago... where I was embarrassed to admit to another living soul, my desire for, my love of, getting spanked.  
  Merry is completely, utterly, aware of it, but I'm still ... embarrassed by it.
  Moreover, from my internal rebellion comes this feeling that ... if I'm not a 'true' submissive, then I should not be spanked.
  I don't know how to reconcile my feelings on this.
  My fantasy is to get real spankings ...  the kind a naughty boy would get from his mother, perhaps.
  The reality ... has been so much different.
  I really feel like...I'm taking steps backward, internalizing my feelings...  converting my dark desires into fantasy, with no physical outlet.  
Which is a reason why, previous relationships I had, with first wife, then following girlfriend, dissolved.   I gave my fantasies no outlet, and I had virtually no interest with ...well, for lack of better, vanilla sex.  
  Solutions ... are in short supply.
   This is, I hope, a place from whence to start a conversation.