Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
from Sarah J's blog
So where were we?
Oh yes... the wonderful world of corporal punishment (or, as I prefer
it and as my friend Nookie puts it, "funishment". I'm not into trying to
enforce discipline and behavioural changes at the end of a riding
crop).
The most important thing, and probably the biggest difference between the "pun" and the "fun" is the warmup.
I do know people who cane from "cold" but not only is that very
painful, right from the first stroke, but it bruises like hell. The
idea is first to get the blood and the endorphins flowing with some
light hand-slapping and spanking before gradually going up the scale
until you get to the implement of choice.
And of them all, the cane is, at least so I have found, the Big Daddy
of them all (I have to admit to a certain amount of my own pleasure in
the swish-smack of the cane on John's utterly gorgeous arse (clue: he's lean and his buns are tight. This of course means the warmup is even more important because there's not a lot of padding there!).
I'm still working on the "limits" because when he says "stop", I tend to... even though that's when you're really supposed to start the real stuff.
But we'll get there I'm sure.
In His Chastity,
Sarah
P.S. We did try it the other
way, but it's not for me. Not only did John feel very uncomfortable
doing it to me, but it's not my thing at all. I can't see the point in
getting used to something that hurts... just so you can bear it.
But we're all different... which is a good thing, because I couldn't bear orgasm denial, either!
Aug 27
Off work, and DOG tired....went home, first time home since leaving Friday morning.
Hungry cats running around, and I fed them, and changed water bowls, fed the huge goldfish, scooped out the litter boxes, brought in 3 days of newspapers and mail...
Sent Her a text, '' I'll be asleep".... and collapsed, around 06:45.
I felt Her, in bed next to me, and looked up...around 0900.
We talked, I dozed off and on... She was exchanging texts with R, which was perfectly understandable all the time, and expecially then, as apparently his boss at work was requiring him to go get a doctor's clearance after he came in looking terrible after falling off his bike on Sunday, and there was some coordination going on there.
And She was exchanging texts with Her psychotic sister, which did annoy me, as I had said once, I did not want Her getting involving with that nutjob while She is in MY bedroom.
(We resolved that one later, with that understanding that when Ms Hyde was acting under her rare human like Dr Jeckyl persona, it was okay by me for Her to communicate with her.)
And She 'sprang' on me, that it was Her son's (the one that lives with Her) birthday in a couple days, and She asked him what he would like to do, and the nutshell of a response was "...go see Grandma..." , who lives in SB, so that's what She was going to do, take him to see her, this weekend, and did I want to go along?
I really dislike surprises. Don't expect a positive response from me, after any kind of surprise.
(I pity anybody that gives ME a surprise birthday party...)
No, I did not want to go along.
I was still very sleep-tired and groggy...but I felt ... a stirring... in the crotch of my panties.
She did not mind a bit, as I rolled over, and began kissing Her neck and ....well...etc....
I pushed the panties, down off one leg, was on my knees, between Her spread legs....
Anyway, the ol' in-and-out went on for ..some time... twenty minutes.... until the sweat dripping off me into Her eyes caused me to stop, and I rolled off Her.
I did not have a happy outcome myself, but so damn close... like a 4 to 4.5 on the scale of 5 that She likes to use, when She asks me.
Later, we both agreed, that was one of the best .... sessions of intercourse we've ever had, filled with Passion, and Desire, and ....Connecting, not just physically, but emotionally.
We've been calling our many previous encounters "WMS" but sought a new name for THIS, and came up with "III" or "Triple-I" , for Incredibly Intense Intercourse.
R sent a text, saying he was about ready to leave the doctor's office, so She gathered Herself together; I went with Her to Her car, and watched Her go.
Then I went back to sleep for a couple hours.
And up, and out for a dog walk (didn't mention, that She had brought Cookie home, from spending our weekend away at Her house, this morning.
Then a shower, then off to work
While at work, we chatted online awhile, during which time She again asked me to accompany Her and Her son to visit Her ex-mother-in-law (his paternal grandmother) this coming weekend.
And I said, 'Okay.'
Again...I don't like surprises. I need processing time.
I said, "No" when surprised. I said "Yes" after I had time to think about it.
Score card
Cigarettes 3
DSLO 41 1/2
Days Un 18 1/2
Hrs until TW 422
Hungry cats running around, and I fed them, and changed water bowls, fed the huge goldfish, scooped out the litter boxes, brought in 3 days of newspapers and mail...
Sent Her a text, '' I'll be asleep".... and collapsed, around 06:45.
I felt Her, in bed next to me, and looked up...around 0900.
We talked, I dozed off and on... She was exchanging texts with R, which was perfectly understandable all the time, and expecially then, as apparently his boss at work was requiring him to go get a doctor's clearance after he came in looking terrible after falling off his bike on Sunday, and there was some coordination going on there.
And She was exchanging texts with Her psychotic sister, which did annoy me, as I had said once, I did not want Her getting involving with that nutjob while She is in MY bedroom.
(We resolved that one later, with that understanding that when Ms Hyde was acting under her rare human like Dr Jeckyl persona, it was okay by me for Her to communicate with her.)
And She 'sprang' on me, that it was Her son's (the one that lives with Her) birthday in a couple days, and She asked him what he would like to do, and the nutshell of a response was "...go see Grandma..." , who lives in SB, so that's what She was going to do, take him to see her, this weekend, and did I want to go along?
I really dislike surprises. Don't expect a positive response from me, after any kind of surprise.
(I pity anybody that gives ME a surprise birthday party...)
No, I did not want to go along.
I was still very sleep-tired and groggy...but I felt ... a stirring... in the crotch of my panties.
She did not mind a bit, as I rolled over, and began kissing Her neck and ....well...etc....
I pushed the panties, down off one leg, was on my knees, between Her spread legs....
Anyway, the ol' in-and-out went on for ..some time... twenty minutes.... until the sweat dripping off me into Her eyes caused me to stop, and I rolled off Her.
I did not have a happy outcome myself, but so damn close... like a 4 to 4.5 on the scale of 5 that She likes to use, when She asks me.
Later, we both agreed, that was one of the best .... sessions of intercourse we've ever had, filled with Passion, and Desire, and ....Connecting, not just physically, but emotionally.
We've been calling our many previous encounters "WMS" but sought a new name for THIS, and came up with "III" or "Triple-I" , for Incredibly Intense Intercourse.
R sent a text, saying he was about ready to leave the doctor's office, so She gathered Herself together; I went with Her to Her car, and watched Her go.
Then I went back to sleep for a couple hours.
And up, and out for a dog walk (didn't mention, that She had brought Cookie home, from spending our weekend away at Her house, this morning.
Then a shower, then off to work
While at work, we chatted online awhile, during which time She again asked me to accompany Her and Her son to visit Her ex-mother-in-law (his paternal grandmother) this coming weekend.
And I said, 'Okay.'
Again...I don't like surprises. I need processing time.
I said, "No" when surprised. I said "Yes" after I had time to think about it.
Score card
Cigarettes 3
DSLO 41 1/2
Days Un 18 1/2
Hrs until TW 422
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Aug 26
Up, 4 a.m.
Not feeling 100% but who the hell does at this hour?
We showered and packed and etc.... loaded up the car, She checked out, and we were rolling, as planned, about 05:00.
I only made one wrong turn on the highways heading back to the airport, but it only took us about 5 or 6 minutes out of our way....
Dropped the car at the Consolidated Rental Car lot, got on the shuttle, and to the terminal.
Check in was rapid...waiting for wheel chair service was not so.
Eventually, I did the 'wheeling' myself, which was okay by me.
At the gate, on board by 0730 and UP by 0820.
An easy 3 1/2 hour flight in to our connecting city.... which meant, only 4 hours until the final leg of our journey.
Enough time for some kinda lunch....
And a 90 minute nap for me, while at the gate.
On board 1325, up 1350
On the ground 1450 (local, gained an hour on the way...)
Wheel chair assistance to baggage..... claimed our bags, and out to the shuttle to the long term parking lot...
And in my car by 1530.
One of the easiest drives I've had on the freeway that goes to Her house, and we arrived at 1645.
I was currently 'banned' from the house... ( I just don't wanna talk about it)... so I was there long enough to bring Her bags in, urinate, say hello to Cookie, mix up some iced coffee from instant, and hug Her good bye, and I was out of there by 1700.
Traffic heading into town was really NOT BAD.... wow....and I arrived at my workplace at 1810.
I stuck my head into my office just long enough to see my manager's jaw drop and eyes bug out, as I told him, "I'll be napping in my car down in the garage...."
I came back to the office, to start my shift...
Some time later, She text: "I just woke up..."
We started chatting online, mostly about the whacko woman who owns the house that She lives in.
M has shared with me the texts and posts that She has received from this nutjob.
Yet She refuses to stand up to her, or even tell her, Her plans to move out.
And, I suggested something, or reminded Her of my suggestion....and She said, "I did not ask for your suggestion, I just want you to know how I feel."
Which brought a screeching halt to the chat, as I said something like, "Okay. Gotta get back to work now. Talk to you tomorrow." LOG OFF
Yes, my feelings were hurt, and I don't really know why.
I DO understand, most of the time, that when women express .... feelings, they are just venting, they just want to be ...heard..... but when a man hears it, he thinks he is duty bound to 'fix' it.
But when I'm tired, especially THIS tired, I forget that, AND I'm simply more vulnerable, like my 'shield' is down, and I'm more easily hurt.
A while late, She sent a text: "I didn't meant to hurt you, I Love you and I fucked up..."
I let that sit for a few minutes anyway, before I responded by email, that I didn't think She needed to apologize, that I was just being too sensitive from fatigue....
We continued our online chat, with much less drama, until She went to bed.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 3
DSLO 40 1/2
D Un 17 1/2
H until TW 446
Not feeling 100% but who the hell does at this hour?
We showered and packed and etc.... loaded up the car, She checked out, and we were rolling, as planned, about 05:00.
I only made one wrong turn on the highways heading back to the airport, but it only took us about 5 or 6 minutes out of our way....
Dropped the car at the Consolidated Rental Car lot, got on the shuttle, and to the terminal.
Check in was rapid...waiting for wheel chair service was not so.
Eventually, I did the 'wheeling' myself, which was okay by me.
At the gate, on board by 0730 and UP by 0820.
An easy 3 1/2 hour flight in to our connecting city.... which meant, only 4 hours until the final leg of our journey.
Enough time for some kinda lunch....
And a 90 minute nap for me, while at the gate.
On board 1325, up 1350
On the ground 1450 (local, gained an hour on the way...)
Wheel chair assistance to baggage..... claimed our bags, and out to the shuttle to the long term parking lot...
And in my car by 1530.
One of the easiest drives I've had on the freeway that goes to Her house, and we arrived at 1645.
I was currently 'banned' from the house... ( I just don't wanna talk about it)... so I was there long enough to bring Her bags in, urinate, say hello to Cookie, mix up some iced coffee from instant, and hug Her good bye, and I was out of there by 1700.
Traffic heading into town was really NOT BAD.... wow....and I arrived at my workplace at 1810.
I stuck my head into my office just long enough to see my manager's jaw drop and eyes bug out, as I told him, "I'll be napping in my car down in the garage...."
I came back to the office, to start my shift...
Some time later, She text: "I just woke up..."
We started chatting online, mostly about the whacko woman who owns the house that She lives in.
M has shared with me the texts and posts that She has received from this nutjob.
Yet She refuses to stand up to her, or even tell her, Her plans to move out.
And, I suggested something, or reminded Her of my suggestion....and She said, "I did not ask for your suggestion, I just want you to know how I feel."
Which brought a screeching halt to the chat, as I said something like, "Okay. Gotta get back to work now. Talk to you tomorrow." LOG OFF
Yes, my feelings were hurt, and I don't really know why.
I DO understand, most of the time, that when women express .... feelings, they are just venting, they just want to be ...heard..... but when a man hears it, he thinks he is duty bound to 'fix' it.
But when I'm tired, especially THIS tired, I forget that, AND I'm simply more vulnerable, like my 'shield' is down, and I'm more easily hurt.
A while late, She sent a text: "I didn't meant to hurt you, I Love you and I fucked up..."
I let that sit for a few minutes anyway, before I responded by email, that I didn't think She needed to apologize, that I was just being too sensitive from fatigue....
We continued our online chat, with much less drama, until She went to bed.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 3
DSLO 40 1/2
D Un 17 1/2
H until TW 446
Aug 25 continued
All kidding aside.....
In the first place, I felt like crap and it was a huge effort to move from a horizontal position, and in the second place, I am SO 'mono' that any kind of dalliance like this would never even occur to me, and in the third place, it was pointed out to me that 'we have a contract'...
BUT
Line 29 of that contract has long been broken? shattered? which results in 'disobedience of the above' as stated in the last line of that paragraph, and as noted, should mean immediate termination of said contract.....
She returned to the room, while I was as much asleep as awake.
She changed clothes, and said that K was on the way.
Who is K? To keep it simple, somebody She knew from 30 years prior, whom She recently reconnected with, and found out that he lived in the area we were currently visiting.
We went out, and met him in the lobby.
They sat down on one couch and started talking, and I sat down on another couch, and closed my eyes, wishing my head would stop spinning.
After just a few minutes, She came up to me, and whispered, "Do you want to go back to the room?"
"Very much so."
"Go ahead then."
I feebly stood up, said goodbye, and made my way back to the room, and fell back on the bed.
She came in ...later...an hour, two hours, no idea......
She was ready for dinner, and walked across the street, or highway, for something She could microwave, and returned.
She brought back Pepto Bismol for me, along with some relatively bland rice and chips, and more ginger ale.
At some point, soon enough, we were ready to call it a 'night', as four a.m. was going to come awfully early in the morning.
Score card:
Cigarettes 0
DSLO 39 1/4
Days Un 16 1/2
Hrs until TW: 470
In the first place, I felt like crap and it was a huge effort to move from a horizontal position, and in the second place, I am SO 'mono' that any kind of dalliance like this would never even occur to me, and in the third place, it was pointed out to me that 'we have a contract'...
BUT
Line 29 of that contract has long been broken? shattered? which results in 'disobedience of the above' as stated in the last line of that paragraph, and as noted, should mean immediate termination of said contract.....
She returned to the room, while I was as much asleep as awake.
She changed clothes, and said that K was on the way.
Who is K? To keep it simple, somebody She knew from 30 years prior, whom She recently reconnected with, and found out that he lived in the area we were currently visiting.
We went out, and met him in the lobby.
They sat down on one couch and started talking, and I sat down on another couch, and closed my eyes, wishing my head would stop spinning.
After just a few minutes, She came up to me, and whispered, "Do you want to go back to the room?"
"Very much so."
"Go ahead then."
I feebly stood up, said goodbye, and made my way back to the room, and fell back on the bed.
She came in ...later...an hour, two hours, no idea......
She was ready for dinner, and walked across the street, or highway, for something She could microwave, and returned.
She brought back Pepto Bismol for me, along with some relatively bland rice and chips, and more ginger ale.
At some point, soon enough, we were ready to call it a 'night', as four a.m. was going to come awfully early in the morning.
Score card:
Cigarettes 0
DSLO 39 1/4
Days Un 16 1/2
Hrs until TW: 470
Sunday, August 25, 2013
August 25. up to 15:00
0400 awake, with nausea and diarrhea.
0800 awake again, showered and dress, to join Her in some big room for continental breakfast.
Back to our room, I lay down, stomach flipping and tripping.
She lay next to me, we talked, and didn't until I got up to throw up.
She got up to shower and dress for Her event,
And She left, around noon.
Maid service came in to change towels.
A text from Her 14:30 "I should be about 90 min max."
I wrote, "Thanks I'll have her gone by then."
"I hope she didn't charge you much"
"Well, it was worth it."
"She also better not leave any marks."
"Ok ok."
"She get you off?"
"Getting there..."
I honestly don't think She is all that much worried about it.
To be continued...
0800 awake again, showered and dress, to join Her in some big room for continental breakfast.
Back to our room, I lay down, stomach flipping and tripping.
She lay next to me, we talked, and didn't until I got up to throw up.
She got up to shower and dress for Her event,
And She left, around noon.
Maid service came in to change towels.
A text from Her 14:30 "I should be about 90 min max."
I wrote, "Thanks I'll have her gone by then."
"I hope she didn't charge you much"
"Well, it was worth it."
"She also better not leave any marks."
"Ok ok."
"She get you off?"
"Getting there..."
I honestly don't think She is all that much worried about it.
To be continued...
August 24
02:00, awake.
Seriously.
She stayed up through the night, cooking and housecleaning.
I showered, etc, final packing , gathered Her bags and mine, got 'em in my car.
We were rolling at 0300.
We arrived at parking lot C, near pole 10-c, in case I ask, boarded a shuttle, and we were inside terminal one, before 4 a.m.
Perhaps we allowed too much time, as, nobody at the airport was actually working yet.
They started working, shortly after 0430, and we checked our bags, and got Her wheelchair service to the gate.
We were at the gate, 0500, which meant, an hour before boarding.
She took a nap, and in time, we boarded.
It was uneventful to SAT, with a remarkably smooth landing, around 1110, leaving us only 3 1/3 hrs til our next flight to BWI.
Wheelchair Dude escorted us to the next gate, which was the next one over, then I took over the chair, getting to restrooms, and Blimpies for sandwiches.
We returned to the gate area, where a fifteen minute departure delay was posted.
We hung out, reading and whatever until time, and boarded.
Uneventful into BWI, arriving a bit behind schedule, but oh well.
Wheelchair Dude took Her into baggage claim as I followed.
Bedlam, and chaos.
OMG
The noise and the wandering around people could have been typical triggers for a panic attack, but I was focused on being organized, as in, "Which fuckin carousel.." "Where's a mensroom?" "Where's the rent a car place?"
Finally got bags, and boarded shuttle to The consolidated car rental lot.
Any thirty minutes there, just waiting for people with problems to finish.
Finally sent to the garage to pickup our car.
Well, I guess it's a car.
Or, it WANTS to be, it just needs to finish growing up, first.
It has four doors, and a back seat, but I don't have any friends that I could to ride in the back seat of this.
Anyway, asked for directions to 195, then followed my directions once we were on that.
Smooth ride, no brainer, other than traveling the first quarter in L gear, because I didn't notice, but She did.
We arrived at the hotel in Westwhatever around 2130, and went in the main lobby.
A number of Her crew were seated in the lobby, yakking. She went up and said hello to a few, introduced me to a few, then asked, "Where do we check in?"
"Over there?" I suggested.
"Oh, yeah..."
Checked in, got a room key, went out, hungry, and to a Denny 's we had seen on the way.
Coffee came without cream and without table settings.
She said the water and the Sprite tasted "off".
Her steak, ordered medium, arrived medium rare.
She sent it back, and got a new one, rather the previous one being cooked more.
The new one was good enough.
The bill arrived, we weren't charged at all for the steak, the waitress wound up with a 50% tip on a bill of $18.
Back to the hotel, bags in room, I set up Her CPAP and got Her formal out to hang up, and in bed, asleep 23.30
Scorecard
Cig. 0
DSLO 38 1/4
Days Un 15 1/2
Hours until Wedding 494
Seriously.
She stayed up through the night, cooking and housecleaning.
I showered, etc, final packing , gathered Her bags and mine, got 'em in my car.
We were rolling at 0300.
We arrived at parking lot C, near pole 10-c, in case I ask, boarded a shuttle, and we were inside terminal one, before 4 a.m.
Perhaps we allowed too much time, as, nobody at the airport was actually working yet.
They started working, shortly after 0430, and we checked our bags, and got Her wheelchair service to the gate.
We were at the gate, 0500, which meant, an hour before boarding.
She took a nap, and in time, we boarded.
It was uneventful to SAT, with a remarkably smooth landing, around 1110, leaving us only 3 1/3 hrs til our next flight to BWI.
Wheelchair Dude escorted us to the next gate, which was the next one over, then I took over the chair, getting to restrooms, and Blimpies for sandwiches.
We returned to the gate area, where a fifteen minute departure delay was posted.
We hung out, reading and whatever until time, and boarded.
Uneventful into BWI, arriving a bit behind schedule, but oh well.
Wheelchair Dude took Her into baggage claim as I followed.
Bedlam, and chaos.
OMG
The noise and the wandering around people could have been typical triggers for a panic attack, but I was focused on being organized, as in, "Which fuckin carousel.." "Where's a mensroom?" "Where's the rent a car place?"
Finally got bags, and boarded shuttle to The consolidated car rental lot.
Any thirty minutes there, just waiting for people with problems to finish.
Finally sent to the garage to pickup our car.
Well, I guess it's a car.
Or, it WANTS to be, it just needs to finish growing up, first.
It has four doors, and a back seat, but I don't have any friends that I could to ride in the back seat of this.
Anyway, asked for directions to 195, then followed my directions once we were on that.
Smooth ride, no brainer, other than traveling the first quarter in L gear, because I didn't notice, but She did.
We arrived at the hotel in Westwhatever around 2130, and went in the main lobby.
A number of Her crew were seated in the lobby, yakking. She went up and said hello to a few, introduced me to a few, then asked, "Where do we check in?"
"Over there?" I suggested.
"Oh, yeah..."
Checked in, got a room key, went out, hungry, and to a Denny 's we had seen on the way.
Coffee came without cream and without table settings.
She said the water and the Sprite tasted "off".
Her steak, ordered medium, arrived medium rare.
She sent it back, and got a new one, rather the previous one being cooked more.
The new one was good enough.
The bill arrived, we weren't charged at all for the steak, the waitress wound up with a 50% tip on a bill of $18.
Back to the hotel, bags in room, I set up Her CPAP and got Her formal out to hang up, and in bed, asleep 23.30
Scorecard
Cig. 0
DSLO 38 1/4
Days Un 15 1/2
Hours until Wedding 494
Aug 23
...Stayed at work to check in online at 06:20, to get an early boarding position. Wasn't't necessary, come to find out, but oh well.
Headed home, with one stop for e-cigs, a second stop at rediteller for cash.
Home, dog walk, laundry in wash, on the phone with M at 07:30.
Still on the phone with Her at 08:30, as I was putting my load in dryer, another load of sheets in the wash, and folding up the laundry from the dryer that She left behind yesterday that I am "supposed" to bring with me.
Upstairs, packing and prepping, and a shower.
Laundry ready and up, I put away what I didn't need, packed what I did, leaned back on the bed, and fell asleep for an hour.
Ah well.
I started scrambling.
Not that I had a "date", but the kinda-plan was for me to head to HB, stop at Target enroute, and get to Her house , take a short nap, the go get R from work.
I realized I would have Cookie with me, so I would not be stopping.
And, She called, asking me to pick up something on the way, and I had to tell Her that I wasn't stopping with Cookie in the car.
All aboard and in car, 1210.
I was off the freeway, a mile from Her house, and realized I did not get Her laundry out of the utility room.
I arrived, removed bags and dog from car.
She came out to meet me, and I said, "Gotta go back home, I left Your dress and laundry in the laundry room."
"No, you don't, I'll figure something else out."
Oh Thank you, God! "You sure?"
"Yes, it's good."
Down for nap, and I said, "Wake me in time to be there on time.."
"Okay..."
As She woke me, She said, " I'm leaving you to sleep, I'm going to get R."
"Zzzzokayzzzz."
The next time I woke up, She was sitting on the edge of the bed, back to me, panting, repeating, "I'm going to to be okay, I'm going to be okay..."
I sat up, mumbling, "What's going on?"
"I can't find my drivers license," She moaned, and the She collapsed, slipping down onto her butt, in the space between Her bed and the wall unit against the wall.
While I tried to talk to Her, R came in, carrying Her license, saying he found it in the car, between the seats.
I managed to get Her up and on the bed.
Then, well, we have discussed this, did we sleep for a bit?
She says we did.
I dunno.
Doesn't matter to the story.
We got up, and out for errands.
First, 99 ¢ Store.
Then Target. I told Little S I would get Her new crayons, maybe a book.
She wound up with three new books, and a 64-crayon set.
And Subway, on the way home.
Once home, in the kitchen, I made a point of taking her son's sandwich out of the bag, expecting him to be first in the kitchen looking.
Then I went to other matters.
Once ready to eat, She told me, "He opened your sandwich..."
Oh, FFS!
I know, this is NOT a big deal, it really doesn't rate as any kind of deal, but ... it bugged me, simply because it was a total lack of paying any kind of attention.
I think I was also really tired, which makes me hyper sensitive and on edge.
Finished dinner, back to sleep around 2200.
Scorecard
Cig 4
DSLO 37 1/4
Days UN 14 1/2
Headed home, with one stop for e-cigs, a second stop at rediteller for cash.
Home, dog walk, laundry in wash, on the phone with M at 07:30.
Still on the phone with Her at 08:30, as I was putting my load in dryer, another load of sheets in the wash, and folding up the laundry from the dryer that She left behind yesterday that I am "supposed" to bring with me.
Upstairs, packing and prepping, and a shower.
Laundry ready and up, I put away what I didn't need, packed what I did, leaned back on the bed, and fell asleep for an hour.
Ah well.
I started scrambling.
Not that I had a "date", but the kinda-plan was for me to head to HB, stop at Target enroute, and get to Her house , take a short nap, the go get R from work.
I realized I would have Cookie with me, so I would not be stopping.
And, She called, asking me to pick up something on the way, and I had to tell Her that I wasn't stopping with Cookie in the car.
All aboard and in car, 1210.
I was off the freeway, a mile from Her house, and realized I did not get Her laundry out of the utility room.
I arrived, removed bags and dog from car.
She came out to meet me, and I said, "Gotta go back home, I left Your dress and laundry in the laundry room."
"No, you don't, I'll figure something else out."
Oh Thank you, God! "You sure?"
"Yes, it's good."
Down for nap, and I said, "Wake me in time to be there on time.."
"Okay..."
As She woke me, She said, " I'm leaving you to sleep, I'm going to get R."
"Zzzzokayzzzz."
The next time I woke up, She was sitting on the edge of the bed, back to me, panting, repeating, "I'm going to to be okay, I'm going to be okay..."
I sat up, mumbling, "What's going on?"
"I can't find my drivers license," She moaned, and the She collapsed, slipping down onto her butt, in the space between Her bed and the wall unit against the wall.
While I tried to talk to Her, R came in, carrying Her license, saying he found it in the car, between the seats.
I managed to get Her up and on the bed.
Then, well, we have discussed this, did we sleep for a bit?
She says we did.
I dunno.
Doesn't matter to the story.
We got up, and out for errands.
First, 99 ¢ Store.
Then Target. I told Little S I would get Her new crayons, maybe a book.
She wound up with three new books, and a 64-crayon set.
And Subway, on the way home.
Once home, in the kitchen, I made a point of taking her son's sandwich out of the bag, expecting him to be first in the kitchen looking.
Then I went to other matters.
Once ready to eat, She told me, "He opened your sandwich..."
Oh, FFS!
I know, this is NOT a big deal, it really doesn't rate as any kind of deal, but ... it bugged me, simply because it was a total lack of paying any kind of attention.
I think I was also really tired, which makes me hyper sensitive and on edge.
Finished dinner, back to sleep around 2200.
Scorecard
Cig 4
DSLO 37 1/4
Days UN 14 1/2
Friday, August 23, 2013
Aug 22
....home, about 0630.
LONG dog walk... Cookie's choice, not mine.
Back in, feeding the animals, making my dinner.... scooping the litter box, and She called me at 0735, wondering why I had not called Her yet.
"My hands are full of litter...so to speak."
"Oh, um..."
"I'll be upstairs and call you, in like 5 minutes."
"Okay."
So I got upstairs, and situated, and called Her back....and She told me how Her morning had gone so far, which started with Her frantically running around looking for Her purse and car keys, only to find out, some ten minutes or more later, that R had so helpfully taken them outside, and was waiting in the car for Her....he just neglected to tell Her that he was doing so.
This led to Her venting some frustration.... which led to a conversation between Her and him, about how the other member of the household spent so much time, when She was with me, planting ideas in his head that just aren't true, but he is still having trouble dealing with it all.
We continued talking until She arrived at a restaurant to have breakfast before going to another appointment, and we rang off.
I had my dinner, because the rising sun was shining directly into my bedroom, it was making it too hot to be able to sleep, even with the wall unit a/c on, and I went into the play room, to sleep...around 0830.
I knew She was coming over, to do some hair touch up, but She had said She wouldn't try to wake me.
I woke up by myself, around 13:30, with Her laying next to me.
With the sun overheard, or starting to shine into THIS room, I suggested we move into the bedroom.
We did, and ...WMS ensued.
With the heretofore usual result of Her enjoying immensely, and I did, but no happy outcome for me.
I respectfully requested She be on Her way, so I could go back to sleep.
She dressed, and ..... Little S was talking to me.
"I want a Heath bar."
"Sorry, honey, I'm all out. I had some stressful few days,and devoured 'em all."
"Ohhh..." Then she looked at the bruises on the front of my thighs...."Did She do that?"
"Yeah...."
"Was She MEAN to you?"
"No, I would not call it 'mean'. I needed it, I deserved it."
"Did you cry?"
"No, I didn't cry."
"Okay...."
We gathered some clothes to take down to the laundry room....and went downstairs, got some other stuff out of the dryer for her to take home, put clothes in the washer.... and she went on to her car, and was on her way.
I went upstairs, ate a couple stale cupcakes, and went back to sleep, 1600
Up at 1745, and let Her know by text that I was up, so that She did not HAVE to call me at 1800, but could if She wanted to, and She did.
We talked a bit, then I showered, got ready, and went to work.
While I was at work, She came online 23:00 or so...and we chatted about plans for today, like when I thought I would be at Her house, what should She make for dinner, will I pick up R at work, and spent a while, figuring out Saturday morning, mostly about when we thought we should get up, and leave, and try to arrive at LAX for a friggin' 0620 flight.
We decided an UP time would be 02:15 (Oh Em GEE!), trying to leave the house at 0300......
She said 'Good Night...' and I went back to work, or that's what I call it, since I get paid to do it here.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 36 1/4
H Un 324
LONG dog walk... Cookie's choice, not mine.
Back in, feeding the animals, making my dinner.... scooping the litter box, and She called me at 0735, wondering why I had not called Her yet.
"My hands are full of litter...so to speak."
"Oh, um..."
"I'll be upstairs and call you, in like 5 minutes."
"Okay."
So I got upstairs, and situated, and called Her back....and She told me how Her morning had gone so far, which started with Her frantically running around looking for Her purse and car keys, only to find out, some ten minutes or more later, that R had so helpfully taken them outside, and was waiting in the car for Her....he just neglected to tell Her that he was doing so.
This led to Her venting some frustration.... which led to a conversation between Her and him, about how the other member of the household spent so much time, when She was with me, planting ideas in his head that just aren't true, but he is still having trouble dealing with it all.
We continued talking until She arrived at a restaurant to have breakfast before going to another appointment, and we rang off.
I had my dinner, because the rising sun was shining directly into my bedroom, it was making it too hot to be able to sleep, even with the wall unit a/c on, and I went into the play room, to sleep...around 0830.
I knew She was coming over, to do some hair touch up, but She had said She wouldn't try to wake me.
I woke up by myself, around 13:30, with Her laying next to me.
With the sun overheard, or starting to shine into THIS room, I suggested we move into the bedroom.
We did, and ...WMS ensued.
With the heretofore usual result of Her enjoying immensely, and I did, but no happy outcome for me.
I respectfully requested She be on Her way, so I could go back to sleep.
She dressed, and ..... Little S was talking to me.
"I want a Heath bar."
"Sorry, honey, I'm all out. I had some stressful few days,and devoured 'em all."
"Ohhh..." Then she looked at the bruises on the front of my thighs...."Did She do that?"
"Yeah...."
"Was She MEAN to you?"
"No, I would not call it 'mean'. I needed it, I deserved it."
"Did you cry?"
"No, I didn't cry."
"Okay...."
We gathered some clothes to take down to the laundry room....and went downstairs, got some other stuff out of the dryer for her to take home, put clothes in the washer.... and she went on to her car, and was on her way.
I went upstairs, ate a couple stale cupcakes, and went back to sleep, 1600
Up at 1745, and let Her know by text that I was up, so that She did not HAVE to call me at 1800, but could if She wanted to, and She did.
We talked a bit, then I showered, got ready, and went to work.
While I was at work, She came online 23:00 or so...and we chatted about plans for today, like when I thought I would be at Her house, what should She make for dinner, will I pick up R at work, and spent a while, figuring out Saturday morning, mostly about when we thought we should get up, and leave, and try to arrive at LAX for a friggin' 0620 flight.
We decided an UP time would be 02:15 (Oh Em GEE!), trying to leave the house at 0300......
She said 'Good Night...' and I went back to work, or that's what I call it, since I get paid to do it here.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 36 1/4
H Un 324
Thursday, August 22, 2013
AUG 21
So, She came online after midnight, telling me that She had gone to bed around 2000, and just woke up.
We began chatting.... and quickly began talking about ...The Day's events...and I saved most of the text of what She wrote, as She expressed to me what She was feeling, when She believed, and had no reason to not believe, that I would .... take my own life.
"Sometimes, the reality is more than I expected. Allowing myself to Love you, to fall in Love with you. It opens up doors that I would have preferred to keep shut. I was so fragile. I wanted strictly D/s or M/s and i allowed myself to fall in Love, and it opened me up to more potential for pain my pain.
We began chatting.... and quickly began talking about ...The Day's events...and I saved most of the text of what She wrote, as She expressed to me what She was feeling, when She believed, and had no reason to not believe, that I would .... take my own life.
"Sometimes, the reality is more than I expected. Allowing myself to Love you, to fall in Love with you. It opens up doors that I would have preferred to keep shut. I was so fragile. I wanted strictly D/s or M/s and i allowed myself to fall in Love, and it opened me up to more potential for pain my pain.
Just not exactly what I wanted...but it WAS and IS just what I needed
I wouldn't trade that for anything
I really don't think I could handle going through another loss ( and there I was, in your room on your bed, and you are
saying things that not only don't compute, but I'm being told (in my
head, at least) that everything I've done, all the time and energy and
Love I've invested means NOTHING to you
It cut me, it cut me deeper than I could ever express
I felt like I was meaningless to you
I just hated myself at that moment for loving you so deeply
for being so vulnerable
I mean, it's not YOUR fault (as if it's a fault) that I fell in Love with you
It
(me falling in Love with you) was simply meant to be, and an answer to
so many prayers and thoughts sent from so many people
It just hurt at that moment
I was close...so close... to getting up, walking out, and NEVER coming back, it would be OVER... and I knew, in that moment, you would not care.
But I couldn't do it.... "
I apologized, again and again, for saying selfish stupid crap. And She accepted it. And She said, this was a necessary conversation for us to have.
.... Off work, I headed home, really miserably sleep-deprived tired.
I told Her, I would not be calling at 0730, I was going to go straight to bed for a few hours, get up around 10, and call Her, and call the FTB.
I did go to sleep 715.... woke up around 0915 to pee. Had my alarm set for 0945, I think, and reset it for 1030.
I woke up around 0945, laying on my left side, feeling Her around me.
It felt good, it felt natural....until the surprise registered....
"What.... are you doing here?"
"I decided to come over, and support you through this...."
"Oh....okay...."
I got up, shook off the cobwebs... picked up my phone, and started.
Heh.
I tried I don't know how many numbers for the FTB, trying different options, getting switched around, then disconnected, until FINALLY I got through to somebody who knew something and could do something.
And I WAS able to work out a payment plan, and she agreed to release the levy on my account, by sending a fax to the bank, as soon as she got off the phone with me.
....whew....
I looked at Her, and said, 'Wanna have sex?'
She grinned, and started to get on top of me?"
"I was sort of kidding, I didn't think you had time."
"Oh, you don't know what I have time for....."
So, some WMS ensued. to our mutual pleasure. No happy outcome for me, but I'm starting to get used to that.
I saw Her out, around 1345, made some lunch, called Ma Bell about the internet/phone outage, and went to sleep...1415.
The insurance agent called me, two times, around 16:00....
Up 1745.... I talked to Her a bit while walking my dog.
Then I called the bank, and learned, that yes, the FTB HAD sent over a release on my account, and yes, I did have full access to it, already. Well, OMG!
I called Her back, to tell Her about the Bank, and that we were also all set, on combining our insurances into one account.
She told me, not to expect to see Her online, until midnight or so.
I went to work.....
I used some quiet time at work, to finally record bills, that have been laying around in my bag, like forever.
She came online, 2300 ish...and we chatted, until 0100, when She went to bed.
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 35 1/4
H Un 300
I was close...so close... to getting up, walking out, and NEVER coming back, it would be OVER... and I knew, in that moment, you would not care.
But I couldn't do it.... "
I apologized, again and again, for saying selfish stupid crap. And She accepted it. And She said, this was a necessary conversation for us to have.
.... Off work, I headed home, really miserably sleep-deprived tired.
I told Her, I would not be calling at 0730, I was going to go straight to bed for a few hours, get up around 10, and call Her, and call the FTB.
I did go to sleep 715.... woke up around 0915 to pee. Had my alarm set for 0945, I think, and reset it for 1030.
I woke up around 0945, laying on my left side, feeling Her around me.
It felt good, it felt natural....until the surprise registered....
"What.... are you doing here?"
"I decided to come over, and support you through this...."
"Oh....okay...."
I got up, shook off the cobwebs... picked up my phone, and started.
Heh.
I tried I don't know how many numbers for the FTB, trying different options, getting switched around, then disconnected, until FINALLY I got through to somebody who knew something and could do something.
And I WAS able to work out a payment plan, and she agreed to release the levy on my account, by sending a fax to the bank, as soon as she got off the phone with me.
....whew....
I looked at Her, and said, 'Wanna have sex?'
She grinned, and started to get on top of me?"
"I was sort of kidding, I didn't think you had time."
"Oh, you don't know what I have time for....."
So, some WMS ensued. to our mutual pleasure. No happy outcome for me, but I'm starting to get used to that.
I saw Her out, around 1345, made some lunch, called Ma Bell about the internet/phone outage, and went to sleep...1415.
The insurance agent called me, two times, around 16:00....
Up 1745.... I talked to Her a bit while walking my dog.
Then I called the bank, and learned, that yes, the FTB HAD sent over a release on my account, and yes, I did have full access to it, already. Well, OMG!
I called Her back, to tell Her about the Bank, and that we were also all set, on combining our insurances into one account.
She told me, not to expect to see Her online, until midnight or so.
I went to work.....
I used some quiet time at work, to finally record bills, that have been laying around in my bag, like forever.
She came online, 2300 ish...and we chatted, until 0100, when She went to bed.
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 4
DSLO 35 1/4
H Un 300
Aug 20
Well.... what a fukkin' day, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
Home from work...getting ready.... knew She was coming over for the dreaded WMS.
I was getting into the shower around 0715, so I sent Her a text, that I would call Her afterwards, rather than the customary 0730.
As I stepped out, I received a return text, telling me to not call until 0800.
Then She called me, around 0740.
"I'm okay...."
"What..."
:"I had an accident but I'm okay..."
"What??"
"I hit somebody, but the woman got out, look at our cars, shrugged and walked away, and drove off. I'm shaken, but okay.."
So...we kept talking, as She told me about the typical traffic snarls on the way to me, and I was trying to get online to see if Sigalert gave any clues.
But I could not get online....like I had no internet access, at all.
After some experimentation, I tried my tv and cable system. No signal to the tv..... and finally, my phone... my hard line phone had no dial tone. Everything is Ma Bell, so, evidently some snafu somewhere.
Not much that I was freaked about; as I could get internet on my 4G phone, and never used the hard line phone, but it meant calling them, and getting it sorted out. Figured, it would wait til later.
I went downstairs, outside, and waited for Her to arrive, and we went on out for breakfast.
Incredibly slow service, probably due to our choice of available dining areas in which to sit, and the screaming toddlers across from us did not make it the most delightful of dining experiences, but for ten bucks all on, not worth complaining about.
I went to pay, and decided to use the debit card linked to my checking account.
And it was declined.
What the fuck?
Try it again.
Declined again.
What the f....?
Stunned, I used a different credit card, and went on out to the car.
She headed for a gas station, while I began looking up my checking account on line, on my phone.
As expected, I saw a balance in low four digits..
But an available balance of 0.
In my savings, a balance in love three digits...and an available balance of 0!
What the f...?
She got some gas, and I said, "Let's hasten to my bank". Two blocks away.
I was first in line for a teller, 3 tellers working....each one taking FOREVER with their customers.... jeez.
Finally got my turn..... asked, "What is going on with this?'
She looked it up, a puzzled look crossed her face, and she called for her supervisor, who came over, and had an equally puzzled look on her face, and said, "Let me try this on MY login..." and in a minute said, "Your account has been put on a hold by the Franchise Tax Board."
Oh, fuck me, fuck my life.
I kinda thought something like this might happen sometime, but I really thought I would get a warning first.
On the other hand, I have not opened any of the envelopes they've sent me, in months, soooooo....
Anyway, I went into a full court panic.
I know that it's possible to negotiate with the IRS, but the State? No. I was up shit creek in a canoe with a porous bottom. I was fucked without getting kissed first. I was attached to another object by an incline plane, wrapped helically around an axis, and royally.
And I can only think back to a 'vow' I made to myself, what I would do if or when this ever came to pass....
We returned to my place...and we went upstairs, and undressed...and sat in silence on the bed.
Until I said, "For some time, I've been thinking, this might happen....and I decided, long ago, that there would really be no way out.... that's it time to commit suicide and be done with it.
She looked at me in stunned silence.
"What about your...animals?"
"I'd be sure to let somebody know, to come check on them."
"Do you know what it's like to come into a house, and find a dead body?"
"I wouldn't do it here...I'd go drive off Mulholland or something..."
I wasn't looking at Her. I wasn't looking at anything. I really really had no idea how this was effecting Her.
Until She said, 'Come on!'
I followed Her into the playroom.
"Pick something."
I took the wooden spoon off the wall, and handed it to Her, and followed Her back into the bedroom.
"On the bed, face me, reach up and grab it <referring to horizontal pole, attached to a rope, hanging from the ceiling> and spread your legs."
I did
And She began vigorously smacking the front of my upper thighs with the spoon. Multiple smacks on each side. I groaned, quite loudly, I believe....
Then She told me to roll over, onto my hands and knees, and She smacked my bottom, and parts of my thighs not still bruised from Sunday's party. Then She told me to roll over again, and continued smacking the fronts of my thighs.
Then, She went and fetched a bandage for the large but not quite bleeding sore on the right thigh.
After adding the noticable bite marks, for good measure.
Now, most of our 'play', like this, is for pleasure, for both of us. I am a heavy pain slut, which means I can take a lot, I enjoy taking a lot, and She enjoys giving it to me ... but this was much different.
I took no pleasure from this. I did not approach any subspace, or reach a stage where I might be able to break down and cry. It just fuckin' hurt, in ways not pleasurable.
I've only seen Her, or with this aura or demeanor about Her, once before, when I made the mistake of saying that I thought She had gone 'soft' on me.
She has said, repeatedly, that She does not 'punish', or give punishments, but that's what this was, a punishment for thinking stupid, and thinking selfish.
In time, She lay down, exhausted, next to me.... and this evolved into a session of what we have come to call WMS.
...with the rather unfortunate finish of, Her starting to cry, as She was having a panic attack, flashing back to a fucked up incident in Her life, some years prior.
She calmed down, and I like to think, with some help from me.
And, it was nap time.
Which lasted an hour or so.... then we were both awake, and engaging in more WMS.
We managed to fit in some actual conversation.
I told Her, "I've said before, suicide is not an option for me. No matter how much I talk it, I'm just talking. My brother committed suicide, it devastated my parents, I will not do it to them again, so as long as they are alive... it's not an option."
She said, "So what you ARE going to do, is call the FTB, work out a payment plan, and get this taken care of.."
I was dubious about how well that was going to work, but I agreed... to do it tomorrow, because I was sorely feeling sleep deprivation.
I saw Her out, around 1530 ... went back to sleep until 1745...
and up, and went to work.
I was still stressed about this, and feeling particularly alone and lonely, especially when She didn't come online to chat with me, like She usually does, while I'm at work
Until.... midnight, or just after.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 4
Days since Last O 34 1/4
Hours Unlocked 276
Home from work...getting ready.... knew She was coming over for the dreaded WMS.
I was getting into the shower around 0715, so I sent Her a text, that I would call Her afterwards, rather than the customary 0730.
As I stepped out, I received a return text, telling me to not call until 0800.
Then She called me, around 0740.
"I'm okay...."
"What..."
:"I had an accident but I'm okay..."
"What??"
"I hit somebody, but the woman got out, look at our cars, shrugged and walked away, and drove off. I'm shaken, but okay.."
So...we kept talking, as She told me about the typical traffic snarls on the way to me, and I was trying to get online to see if Sigalert gave any clues.
But I could not get online....like I had no internet access, at all.
After some experimentation, I tried my tv and cable system. No signal to the tv..... and finally, my phone... my hard line phone had no dial tone. Everything is Ma Bell, so, evidently some snafu somewhere.
Not much that I was freaked about; as I could get internet on my 4G phone, and never used the hard line phone, but it meant calling them, and getting it sorted out. Figured, it would wait til later.
I went downstairs, outside, and waited for Her to arrive, and we went on out for breakfast.
Incredibly slow service, probably due to our choice of available dining areas in which to sit, and the screaming toddlers across from us did not make it the most delightful of dining experiences, but for ten bucks all on, not worth complaining about.
I went to pay, and decided to use the debit card linked to my checking account.
And it was declined.
What the fuck?
Try it again.
Declined again.
What the f....?
Stunned, I used a different credit card, and went on out to the car.
She headed for a gas station, while I began looking up my checking account on line, on my phone.
As expected, I saw a balance in low four digits..
But an available balance of 0.
In my savings, a balance in love three digits...and an available balance of 0!
What the f...?
She got some gas, and I said, "Let's hasten to my bank". Two blocks away.
I was first in line for a teller, 3 tellers working....each one taking FOREVER with their customers.... jeez.
Finally got my turn..... asked, "What is going on with this?'
She looked it up, a puzzled look crossed her face, and she called for her supervisor, who came over, and had an equally puzzled look on her face, and said, "Let me try this on MY login..." and in a minute said, "Your account has been put on a hold by the Franchise Tax Board."
Oh, fuck me, fuck my life.
I kinda thought something like this might happen sometime, but I really thought I would get a warning first.
On the other hand, I have not opened any of the envelopes they've sent me, in months, soooooo....
Anyway, I went into a full court panic.
I know that it's possible to negotiate with the IRS, but the State? No. I was up shit creek in a canoe with a porous bottom. I was fucked without getting kissed first. I was attached to another object by an incline plane, wrapped helically around an axis, and royally.
And I can only think back to a 'vow' I made to myself, what I would do if or when this ever came to pass....
We returned to my place...and we went upstairs, and undressed...and sat in silence on the bed.
Until I said, "For some time, I've been thinking, this might happen....and I decided, long ago, that there would really be no way out.... that's it time to commit suicide and be done with it.
She looked at me in stunned silence.
"What about your...animals?"
"I'd be sure to let somebody know, to come check on them."
"Do you know what it's like to come into a house, and find a dead body?"
"I wouldn't do it here...I'd go drive off Mulholland or something..."
I wasn't looking at Her. I wasn't looking at anything. I really really had no idea how this was effecting Her.
Until She said, 'Come on!'
I followed Her into the playroom.
"Pick something."
I took the wooden spoon off the wall, and handed it to Her, and followed Her back into the bedroom.
"On the bed, face me, reach up and grab it <referring to horizontal pole, attached to a rope, hanging from the ceiling> and spread your legs."
I did
And She began vigorously smacking the front of my upper thighs with the spoon. Multiple smacks on each side. I groaned, quite loudly, I believe....
Then She told me to roll over, onto my hands and knees, and She smacked my bottom, and parts of my thighs not still bruised from Sunday's party. Then She told me to roll over again, and continued smacking the fronts of my thighs.
Then, She went and fetched a bandage for the large but not quite bleeding sore on the right thigh.
After adding the noticable bite marks, for good measure.
Now, most of our 'play', like this, is for pleasure, for both of us. I am a heavy pain slut, which means I can take a lot, I enjoy taking a lot, and She enjoys giving it to me ... but this was much different.
I took no pleasure from this. I did not approach any subspace, or reach a stage where I might be able to break down and cry. It just fuckin' hurt, in ways not pleasurable.
I've only seen Her, or with this aura or demeanor about Her, once before, when I made the mistake of saying that I thought She had gone 'soft' on me.
She has said, repeatedly, that She does not 'punish', or give punishments, but that's what this was, a punishment for thinking stupid, and thinking selfish.
In time, She lay down, exhausted, next to me.... and this evolved into a session of what we have come to call WMS.
...with the rather unfortunate finish of, Her starting to cry, as She was having a panic attack, flashing back to a fucked up incident in Her life, some years prior.
She calmed down, and I like to think, with some help from me.
And, it was nap time.
Which lasted an hour or so.... then we were both awake, and engaging in more WMS.
We managed to fit in some actual conversation.
I told Her, "I've said before, suicide is not an option for me. No matter how much I talk it, I'm just talking. My brother committed suicide, it devastated my parents, I will not do it to them again, so as long as they are alive... it's not an option."
She said, "So what you ARE going to do, is call the FTB, work out a payment plan, and get this taken care of.."
I was dubious about how well that was going to work, but I agreed... to do it tomorrow, because I was sorely feeling sleep deprivation.
I saw Her out, around 1530 ... went back to sleep until 1745...
and up, and went to work.
I was still stressed about this, and feeling particularly alone and lonely, especially when She didn't come online to chat with me, like She usually does, while I'm at work
Until.... midnight, or just after.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 4
Days since Last O 34 1/4
Hours Unlocked 276
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Aug 20 A Letter to the Love of my Life
23:00, at work
It's been less than 8 hours since I watched you drive away.
I spoke to you on the phone, at length, only less than 5 hours ago.
And yet, I miss you, miss you something fierce, even though I'm at work, and so it doesn't matter if you're at your home or mine, we couldn't be together this minute.
I miss you because I know you won't be there, whether awake or asleep, when I get home.
I miss you because I haven't had any chat or texts from you tonight.
I miss you because I love you, so very very very much.
Imagine...25 days from this time, we will be married....
And with luck, within 40 days, we'll be in a home, together...
But until then...
I miss you.
I love you ... so much....
Here's... all of my love ... to you.
It's been less than 8 hours since I watched you drive away.
I spoke to you on the phone, at length, only less than 5 hours ago.
And yet, I miss you, miss you something fierce, even though I'm at work, and so it doesn't matter if you're at your home or mine, we couldn't be together this minute.
I miss you because I know you won't be there, whether awake or asleep, when I get home.
I miss you because I haven't had any chat or texts from you tonight.
I miss you because I love you, so very very very much.
Imagine...25 days from this time, we will be married....
And with luck, within 40 days, we'll be in a home, together...
But until then...
I miss you.
I love you ... so much....
Here's... all of my love ... to you.
Aug 19
An off day...meaning, not much to write about, as this diary is mostly about my relationship to M & J and events that occur between us, and how I feel about them.
I went home, quite groggy and tired, from work, and walked the dog, and let Her know by text that I was really tired, and wanted to go to sleep. She replied that it seemed like a good idea.
I set my alarm for 10 or so, and woke up at the sound, and called the insurance agent about some goings on there, and sorted that out, and called M, and we talked a minute, before She suggested I go back to sleep.
Well, first I up to make my 'dinner' and gather a few days' worth of newspapers, and ate, and read, then I went back to sleep, and slept well, until... well, another alarm went off at 1720 which I turned of,and went back to sleep, then She called just before 6, and that got me up and moving.
I walked the dog, took a shower, and left the house, stopped at CVS for waiting prescriptions, and went to work.
This was a night I had to work next to my manager, so I let Her know, I wouldn't be able to chat, and She said, that was okay, She planned to go to sleep early.
The manager left around 00:15, and I let Her know by message through FL, and She was still awake, and She came online, and we chatted a bit, and I was able to fill out our marriage license application on line.
Then Little S came online, and we chatted a bit more.
Later today, She is coming over to give me a punishment session of WMS...She told me, an hour of it.
More on that later, perhaps.
Scorecard:
Cigarettes 4
Days Since O 33 1/4
Hours Unlocked 252
I went home, quite groggy and tired, from work, and walked the dog, and let Her know by text that I was really tired, and wanted to go to sleep. She replied that it seemed like a good idea.
I set my alarm for 10 or so, and woke up at the sound, and called the insurance agent about some goings on there, and sorted that out, and called M, and we talked a minute, before She suggested I go back to sleep.
Well, first I up to make my 'dinner' and gather a few days' worth of newspapers, and ate, and read, then I went back to sleep, and slept well, until... well, another alarm went off at 1720 which I turned of,and went back to sleep, then She called just before 6, and that got me up and moving.
I walked the dog, took a shower, and left the house, stopped at CVS for waiting prescriptions, and went to work.
This was a night I had to work next to my manager, so I let Her know, I wouldn't be able to chat, and She said, that was okay, She planned to go to sleep early.
The manager left around 00:15, and I let Her know by message through FL, and She was still awake, and She came online, and we chatted a bit, and I was able to fill out our marriage license application on line.
Then Little S came online, and we chatted a bit more.
Later today, She is coming over to give me a punishment session of WMS...She told me, an hour of it.
More on that later, perhaps.
Scorecard:
Cigarettes 4
Days Since O 33 1/4
Hours Unlocked 252
Monday, August 19, 2013
What compersion requires
This was a recent post on FL, and I 'think' that She wanted me to read it...
According to Wikipedia, compersion is “an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy.” I often think of this as the opposite of schadenfreude, which means “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.” We might just as well have used the word empathy instead of compersion, but in this case, we’re specifically talking about it in a sexual or romantic context.
We use compersion in the sexual context to talk about polyamory, and the ability of partners to feel happiness when their partner finds fulfillment with someone else. This is a difficult state for many people in the lifestyle to come to, not because they are not capable of compersion, but because they are not capable of compersion only.
What I mean by this is that most people love their partner and want what’s best for them. They could be happy for their partner’s happiness until some other countering emotion or personal agenda arises. In some cases this is jealousy. In some it’s insecurity. In some, it’s feelings that the power exchange will be weakened. What all of them have at their core is the worry that one will lose their partner.
These roadblocks are different from actually concern about a partner’s mental, emotional, or physical safety. Those are valid points that might make a partner intervene in their significant other’s quest for added fulfillment outside the relationship.
Some of our worry about losing a partner stems from our lizard brain and its instinct for procreation and self-preservation. If we are not allowed to mate, our genetic line will not continue. We also want to guard our mate and keep them from encroaching "others" for the same reason. Many of us lay claim to our mates by ritualistic markings, which can be anything from the wearing of our collars (or wedding rings) to permanent body modifications (things like tattoos, piercings, and brands). It can also be the equivalent of "peeing" on them, marking your territory by making comments which imply ownership or prior commitment.
American marriage vows often include the line "forsaking all others," and it has been an assumption in the general culture that pair bonding is the primary and socially acceptable way to go about having relationships. You may be able to have multiple relationships in your lifetime, but they should be had one at a time.
There are many reasons why pair bonding is seen as a positive thing. First of all, it may be less complicated. Adding partners is an emotionally exponential process; even if the added partners do not know each other, there is still an invisible relationship between them. People assume that if the relationship is "invisible" then it does not cause any connection, but that is incorrect. There are always shifts in the way things are done to accommodate a third (or fourth, etc.), even if the unknowing partner does not realize to what cause the changes may be attributed. There is a sharing of energy and focus if nothing else, let alone the less ephemeral items of time and material resources. In pair bonding, a person only has to worry about a their partner and one set of available resources.
Pair bonding is also supposed to do things like suppress the spread of sexually transmitted disease, encourage socially responsible behavior, and make civil laws less convoluted (if that's possible). However, just because people are in a pair-bonded situation, it doesn't mean that any of those things actually happen.
Because pair bonding is such a "time-honored" condition, we tend to know a lot more about it and how it should be working than we might in polyamorous or polysexual relationships. Compare the number of books in your local bookstore dedicated to non-monogamy as opposed to pair bonding concerns. What you've got, if you're lucky, is a 2/200 ratio. This does not mean they don't exist. In fact, if people actually read the Bible, they'd find a good number of poly relationships therein which were not condemned (or even commented upon) by God (or the writer's of the work). But our culture goes out of its way to scrub much of that sort of information from the general discourse. (god bless the internet for its ability to be less scrub-able).
We run into problems in some situations, however, when we find that pair bonding is not the most fulfilling way of being. For bi-sexual partners, this may be a logical issue to face. But we also know that some people want/need multiple relationships for any number of reasons. Whatever our reasoning, we are then faced with the questions of how to make it all work.
This gets sticky in the BDSM community because your significant other may have given you "ownership rights" and therefore has given you the right to say how they can get their needs met. If you are in a power exchange, it may make the other person feel as though they may lose you to another person if another element comes into the equation.
For others, the very notion that your significant other might need someone else brings about horrible feelings of inadequacy. Why are you not enough? I also often hear that people want to feel special, and if there is not something that you share with your partner only, that you lose that feeling of "specialness."
I'm not saying that all of these feelings and worries aren't understandable. Most of us have lost relationships (not just sexual ones) and are reacting out of the very real fear that we will lose this one as well. But all of this is our personal work. Our partners can help us deal with our emotions and issues, but this is really a conversation that has to be worked out with ourselves.
We have to deal with our inward impediments before we can deal with logistics.
What is it that's getting in the way of our compersion? How does it call for us to dig more deeply within ourselves to do our personal work? How does it ask us to gain confidence from deep inside ourselves where it is not dependent upon an "other"?
This does not mean that after we do our personal work we may not come to the conclusion that non-monogomy is just not for us. Our preferred state may be pair bonded. But it will mean that we will make our choice from a place of true compersion, either way.
We may love the person enough to let them go because we are not really suited sexually, or we may love them enough to let them go to the arms of another. But either way, we will be living out of love and making purposeful, thoughtful decisions.
Compersion requires a letting go of many things, until in the end, there is only love.
According to Wikipedia, compersion is “an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy.” I often think of this as the opposite of schadenfreude, which means “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.” We might just as well have used the word empathy instead of compersion, but in this case, we’re specifically talking about it in a sexual or romantic context.
We use compersion in the sexual context to talk about polyamory, and the ability of partners to feel happiness when their partner finds fulfillment with someone else. This is a difficult state for many people in the lifestyle to come to, not because they are not capable of compersion, but because they are not capable of compersion only.
What I mean by this is that most people love their partner and want what’s best for them. They could be happy for their partner’s happiness until some other countering emotion or personal agenda arises. In some cases this is jealousy. In some it’s insecurity. In some, it’s feelings that the power exchange will be weakened. What all of them have at their core is the worry that one will lose their partner.
These roadblocks are different from actually concern about a partner’s mental, emotional, or physical safety. Those are valid points that might make a partner intervene in their significant other’s quest for added fulfillment outside the relationship.
Some of our worry about losing a partner stems from our lizard brain and its instinct for procreation and self-preservation. If we are not allowed to mate, our genetic line will not continue. We also want to guard our mate and keep them from encroaching "others" for the same reason. Many of us lay claim to our mates by ritualistic markings, which can be anything from the wearing of our collars (or wedding rings) to permanent body modifications (things like tattoos, piercings, and brands). It can also be the equivalent of "peeing" on them, marking your territory by making comments which imply ownership or prior commitment.
American marriage vows often include the line "forsaking all others," and it has been an assumption in the general culture that pair bonding is the primary and socially acceptable way to go about having relationships. You may be able to have multiple relationships in your lifetime, but they should be had one at a time.
There are many reasons why pair bonding is seen as a positive thing. First of all, it may be less complicated. Adding partners is an emotionally exponential process; even if the added partners do not know each other, there is still an invisible relationship between them. People assume that if the relationship is "invisible" then it does not cause any connection, but that is incorrect. There are always shifts in the way things are done to accommodate a third (or fourth, etc.), even if the unknowing partner does not realize to what cause the changes may be attributed. There is a sharing of energy and focus if nothing else, let alone the less ephemeral items of time and material resources. In pair bonding, a person only has to worry about a their partner and one set of available resources.
Pair bonding is also supposed to do things like suppress the spread of sexually transmitted disease, encourage socially responsible behavior, and make civil laws less convoluted (if that's possible). However, just because people are in a pair-bonded situation, it doesn't mean that any of those things actually happen.
Because pair bonding is such a "time-honored" condition, we tend to know a lot more about it and how it should be working than we might in polyamorous or polysexual relationships. Compare the number of books in your local bookstore dedicated to non-monogamy as opposed to pair bonding concerns. What you've got, if you're lucky, is a 2/200 ratio. This does not mean they don't exist. In fact, if people actually read the Bible, they'd find a good number of poly relationships therein which were not condemned (or even commented upon) by God (or the writer's of the work). But our culture goes out of its way to scrub much of that sort of information from the general discourse. (god bless the internet for its ability to be less scrub-able).
We run into problems in some situations, however, when we find that pair bonding is not the most fulfilling way of being. For bi-sexual partners, this may be a logical issue to face. But we also know that some people want/need multiple relationships for any number of reasons. Whatever our reasoning, we are then faced with the questions of how to make it all work.
This gets sticky in the BDSM community because your significant other may have given you "ownership rights" and therefore has given you the right to say how they can get their needs met. If you are in a power exchange, it may make the other person feel as though they may lose you to another person if another element comes into the equation.
For others, the very notion that your significant other might need someone else brings about horrible feelings of inadequacy. Why are you not enough? I also often hear that people want to feel special, and if there is not something that you share with your partner only, that you lose that feeling of "specialness."
I'm not saying that all of these feelings and worries aren't understandable. Most of us have lost relationships (not just sexual ones) and are reacting out of the very real fear that we will lose this one as well. But all of this is our personal work. Our partners can help us deal with our emotions and issues, but this is really a conversation that has to be worked out with ourselves.
We have to deal with our inward impediments before we can deal with logistics.
What is it that's getting in the way of our compersion? How does it call for us to dig more deeply within ourselves to do our personal work? How does it ask us to gain confidence from deep inside ourselves where it is not dependent upon an "other"?
This does not mean that after we do our personal work we may not come to the conclusion that non-monogomy is just not for us. Our preferred state may be pair bonded. But it will mean that we will make our choice from a place of true compersion, either way.
We may love the person enough to let them go because we are not really suited sexually, or we may love them enough to let them go to the arms of another. But either way, we will be living out of love and making purposeful, thoughtful decisions.
Compersion requires a letting go of many things, until in the end, there is only love.
Aug 16, 17, 18
Well, here we go....my last journal ended with Thursday night, so let's see how much of the last three days I remember....
Aug 16.... Up early...0630 or so, and I took R to work, while She had the opportunity to sleep in. (one cigarette on the way there)
Back at the house, (two cigarettes on the way back) 0800 or so, and She was awake, on the computer.
I took a shower, and She made breakfast.
She made an appointment with Her insurance agent, and we figured out our schedule for the day.
I have no idea what we did up until then, but we left the house around 13:00, arrived at Her agent's office at 13:30, and took care of combining our insurances.
Then to a pharmacy to pick up needed prescriptions.
Then to Her post office to pick up Her mail in a the box...
Then to Smart & Final for needed supplies for tonight's dinner meeting...
Then to one doctor's office to pick up some form, then we took it to another medical building.
Then to R's place, to pick him up from work.
Then we dropped R off at the dinner meeting place, to give him time to start set up, and we returned to Her home, (she allowed me to have once cigarette in the car, on the way) to gather stuff we would need for the night, while She continued final preparations for the dinner.
In the midst of this, Her son was having a medical emergency, and we, She, had to tend to that, until we felt it was safe to leave.
We made our way to the dinner meeting place, and went in.
We went in, and I felt the panic that sets in from meeting new people in a new place, and I went back to the car, and had my 5th (final) cigarette for the day.
She came to get me, and we sat down to dinner.
I finished. She Saw that look on me, and took me outside, to someplace quiet, to give me a chance, to settle down and compose myself, then took me into the library/tv room, where I sat on the floor, and went into meditation.
She came in to check on me.
After a while, I was able to get up, and go back into the dining room.
Everybody finished, and went into the main meeting room, which was closed to non-members.
I helped R clean up, and set up for dessert.
Once done, I went out to sit in my car, and just... relax.
Someone closed and locked the gate, and I couldn't get back in. Oh well.
She came out after me, and I went in, and we snacked on cupcakes.
We cleaned up, packed up everything, and said our goodbyes.
Then we set off, making our way to my house.
I was ...tired... and grouchy about the traffic I was navigating through, and it came out in conversation.
So at some point, in a response to something I said, She said, "You're being a pissant, and I don't want to argue with you."
This did not sit well with me, and it put me in a bad mood for some time to come.
Scorecard:
cigarettes 5
Days since O 30 1/4
Hours Unlocked 180
Aug 17
At my house.... First we watched an episode of Dexter, one that She and I had seen, but R had not, then we started on the next episode.
She and I fell asleep about half way through, though R said, he did see the whole thing.
Then we went to our beds, She and I in the other room, R asleep on the bed in the main bedroom.
It was just that...sleep, as it came pretty fast to all of us.
Awake...I 'm not sure..... 08 or 0830, I guess....and Little S had come out.
She asked if she wanted me to use 'the sticks' on me, and I declined.
She could tell that 'something was wrong', and she asked, and I finally said, "She called me a pissant,and I just didn't like it."
"So tell her..."
"I'm not going to tell Her..."
Then I grabbed the triangular cushion, rolled over on my stomach on it, and propped myself up on it, and waited.
She went to the wall, pulled down a couple of sticks (canes) and began whacking my butt with it.
After awhile, she felt better, and I felt better and worse, and she told me to get up.
In the meantime, she went in the other room, where R was awake, and found out that R was upset...even jealous, over the amount of time that She was spending with me, so that was something to be sorted out.
Then, She reemerged, and I told Her how I felt about the whole "pissant" thing, and the context in which it was used, and She apologized.
We all dressed, and went out to breakfast.
Leaving, I stopped for a couple e-cigarettes, and we headed to Her house.
There, we got out, She went in to have a private chat with R about what happened that morning, we packed a few things, along with Cookie, and started back to my place.
I was playing a CD of a compilation of one of my (our) favorite musical groups.... and during one track, I noticed Her having an ... odd... reaction, so I nudged Her..."You okay?"
She turned and smiled, "I'm not having a seizure, if that's what you mean...."
The light dawned, and I mouthed, "Oh..."
She had previously told me, in prior years, She had been conditioned to have a special reaction to certain songs, and apparently, we had come across one of them. And She told me, there was at least one other song on that CD to which She would react in much the same way.
We arrived at my place, and She said, 'Bring a sharp knife upstairs.'
I did, and I watched, as She began trimming and carving some ginger root.
Once it was ready, and I was naked, She inserted a plug-shaped piece in my ass, then a smaller sliver in my urethra, and watched as I enjoyed the resulting sensations.
She sent me off to the bathroom to clean up a bit, and I returned, and She laid back, and spread Her legs, inviting me to place some ginger slivers in some intimate places, and I did.
After a bit of that, we were... having intercourse.
With the ...up to now...usual result.... me losing my erection somewhere on the way, without cumming.
We stopped, resting, then started up again, same result....
Then we dressed, and went out to dinner.
And we returned, and watched the episode of Dexter that we both fell asleep during, then we watched the next one.
Then we fell asleep...around 23:30.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 0
Days since O 31 1/4
Hours Unlocked 204
Aug 18.
Awake 0730...
Seems like there was a morning attempt at sex, but I'm not sure now.... (seriously)
Up and showered and dressed, and out we went to service at my church.
I've been wanted Her to meet my favorite Reverend there, and She finally did, and that was good.
Then we went to a 99c store on the way home, for supplies, and stopped by CVS for my prescription, but the one I needed wasn't ready, and we returned home.
We were there to change clothes for the party, but first She wanted to mark me some.
So, naked on the bed, She bit me, hard, in various, and some intimate places, and I grimaced, gritted my teeth, and clutched the sheets.....
....She wants to know, not just a dry history or recital of events, but my reactions.
So I'll say, this hurts LIKE HELL ... I don't scream when it's happening. At most, I think, I've let out an UNGGHH ... and thrashed or kicked my feet a bit... but the pain in the after-glow is so delicious, I can't imagine begging Her to not do it.
We got up and dressed, and went to the HSG party at a nearby dungeon.
We checked in, said hello to people we knew, and sat down, inside, and listened to a presentation or two.
Then came time for 'musical laps'. She volunteered to be a Top, I volunteered to be a Bottom, but as the only male volunteer, I was left out, as was She, and this group was only going to be Male Tops and Female bottoms.
When that ended, it was announced that it was open play time.
She found a suitable spanking bench in one corner, and told me to strip down and get ready.
I did so, and knelt on the bench.
She went to work on my bottom and thighs with the two paddles, wooden spoon, and leather tawse, that we brought, and added to that a rubber flogger that another Mistress provided....
And in the course of the session, She had that Mistress use the flogger while She held my head...
It was the strokes to my lower cheeks and backs of my thighs that brought up a level of pain intensity that was .... beyond words, driving me into subspace.
When She told me to get up, stand up, I did, and my knees buckled, and I collapsed on the floor, and She held me awhile..
I was finally able to get up, and sit on a large padded stool...and I just sat there.... still drifting.
After awhile, we went outside to sit....
Then, we went home.
We undressed, lay down on the bed...and fell asleep for at least an hour.
Then we had to start moving, getting dressed, packing up Her stuff, and I went down with Her to Her car, and watched Her leave, and I got my stuff together, and went to work.
We exchanged a few wall posts and messages on FL.
In one, She said that She does not think I need enforced chastity to keep me from masturbating, I seem to be doing well on an honor system, and I agreed.
I pointed out that I think She enjoys having the control, and holding the key, when I am locked up, and if She wants to go that way, from time to time or whenever, that IS Her prerogative.
Her current decision, is that I am not to be locked up, at LEAST until our return from a trip to MD, this coming weekend, at which time She'll reconsider the decision.
I am fine with that, or whatever decision She makes.
Before Her, I used chastity devices as a method to stop incessant masturbating.
Well, I have stopped. It is now my fervent desire, to be able to retrain my body and my mind, to cum during intercourse, not from masturbating.
So, I don't think I NEED enforced chastity.
On the other hand, I do like turning over the control to Her, and I know that She enjoys having that control, and holding the key.
Very mixed emotions.
Maybe we'll be able to figure out a compromise, with some time (days) in chastity, and some... not.
New rule for this week, starting today:
Daily cigarette limit : 4
Cigarettes today : 2
Days since O 32 1/4
Hours UNlocked 228
Aug 16.... Up early...0630 or so, and I took R to work, while She had the opportunity to sleep in. (one cigarette on the way there)
Back at the house, (two cigarettes on the way back) 0800 or so, and She was awake, on the computer.
I took a shower, and She made breakfast.
She made an appointment with Her insurance agent, and we figured out our schedule for the day.
I have no idea what we did up until then, but we left the house around 13:00, arrived at Her agent's office at 13:30, and took care of combining our insurances.
Then to a pharmacy to pick up needed prescriptions.
Then to Her post office to pick up Her mail in a the box...
Then to Smart & Final for needed supplies for tonight's dinner meeting...
Then to one doctor's office to pick up some form, then we took it to another medical building.
Then to R's place, to pick him up from work.
Then we dropped R off at the dinner meeting place, to give him time to start set up, and we returned to Her home, (she allowed me to have once cigarette in the car, on the way) to gather stuff we would need for the night, while She continued final preparations for the dinner.
In the midst of this, Her son was having a medical emergency, and we, She, had to tend to that, until we felt it was safe to leave.
We made our way to the dinner meeting place, and went in.
We went in, and I felt the panic that sets in from meeting new people in a new place, and I went back to the car, and had my 5th (final) cigarette for the day.
She came to get me, and we sat down to dinner.
I finished. She Saw that look on me, and took me outside, to someplace quiet, to give me a chance, to settle down and compose myself, then took me into the library/tv room, where I sat on the floor, and went into meditation.
She came in to check on me.
After a while, I was able to get up, and go back into the dining room.
Everybody finished, and went into the main meeting room, which was closed to non-members.
I helped R clean up, and set up for dessert.
Once done, I went out to sit in my car, and just... relax.
Someone closed and locked the gate, and I couldn't get back in. Oh well.
She came out after me, and I went in, and we snacked on cupcakes.
We cleaned up, packed up everything, and said our goodbyes.
Then we set off, making our way to my house.
I was ...tired... and grouchy about the traffic I was navigating through, and it came out in conversation.
So at some point, in a response to something I said, She said, "You're being a pissant, and I don't want to argue with you."
This did not sit well with me, and it put me in a bad mood for some time to come.
Scorecard:
cigarettes 5
Days since O 30 1/4
Hours Unlocked 180
Aug 17
At my house.... First we watched an episode of Dexter, one that She and I had seen, but R had not, then we started on the next episode.
She and I fell asleep about half way through, though R said, he did see the whole thing.
Then we went to our beds, She and I in the other room, R asleep on the bed in the main bedroom.
It was just that...sleep, as it came pretty fast to all of us.
Awake...I 'm not sure..... 08 or 0830, I guess....and Little S had come out.
She asked if she wanted me to use 'the sticks' on me, and I declined.
She could tell that 'something was wrong', and she asked, and I finally said, "She called me a pissant,and I just didn't like it."
"So tell her..."
"I'm not going to tell Her..."
Then I grabbed the triangular cushion, rolled over on my stomach on it, and propped myself up on it, and waited.
She went to the wall, pulled down a couple of sticks (canes) and began whacking my butt with it.
After awhile, she felt better, and I felt better and worse, and she told me to get up.
In the meantime, she went in the other room, where R was awake, and found out that R was upset...even jealous, over the amount of time that She was spending with me, so that was something to be sorted out.
Then, She reemerged, and I told Her how I felt about the whole "pissant" thing, and the context in which it was used, and She apologized.
We all dressed, and went out to breakfast.
Leaving, I stopped for a couple e-cigarettes, and we headed to Her house.
There, we got out, She went in to have a private chat with R about what happened that morning, we packed a few things, along with Cookie, and started back to my place.
I was playing a CD of a compilation of one of my (our) favorite musical groups.... and during one track, I noticed Her having an ... odd... reaction, so I nudged Her..."You okay?"
She turned and smiled, "I'm not having a seizure, if that's what you mean...."
The light dawned, and I mouthed, "Oh..."
She had previously told me, in prior years, She had been conditioned to have a special reaction to certain songs, and apparently, we had come across one of them. And She told me, there was at least one other song on that CD to which She would react in much the same way.
We arrived at my place, and She said, 'Bring a sharp knife upstairs.'
I did, and I watched, as She began trimming and carving some ginger root.
Once it was ready, and I was naked, She inserted a plug-shaped piece in my ass, then a smaller sliver in my urethra, and watched as I enjoyed the resulting sensations.
She sent me off to the bathroom to clean up a bit, and I returned, and She laid back, and spread Her legs, inviting me to place some ginger slivers in some intimate places, and I did.
After a bit of that, we were... having intercourse.
With the ...up to now...usual result.... me losing my erection somewhere on the way, without cumming.
We stopped, resting, then started up again, same result....
Then we dressed, and went out to dinner.
And we returned, and watched the episode of Dexter that we both fell asleep during, then we watched the next one.
Then we fell asleep...around 23:30.
Scorecard
Cigarettes 0
Days since O 31 1/4
Hours Unlocked 204
Aug 18.
Awake 0730...
Seems like there was a morning attempt at sex, but I'm not sure now.... (seriously)
Up and showered and dressed, and out we went to service at my church.
I've been wanted Her to meet my favorite Reverend there, and She finally did, and that was good.
Then we went to a 99c store on the way home, for supplies, and stopped by CVS for my prescription, but the one I needed wasn't ready, and we returned home.
We were there to change clothes for the party, but first She wanted to mark me some.
So, naked on the bed, She bit me, hard, in various, and some intimate places, and I grimaced, gritted my teeth, and clutched the sheets.....
....She wants to know, not just a dry history or recital of events, but my reactions.
So I'll say, this hurts LIKE HELL ... I don't scream when it's happening. At most, I think, I've let out an UNGGHH ... and thrashed or kicked my feet a bit... but the pain in the after-glow is so delicious, I can't imagine begging Her to not do it.
We got up and dressed, and went to the HSG party at a nearby dungeon.
We checked in, said hello to people we knew, and sat down, inside, and listened to a presentation or two.
Then came time for 'musical laps'. She volunteered to be a Top, I volunteered to be a Bottom, but as the only male volunteer, I was left out, as was She, and this group was only going to be Male Tops and Female bottoms.
When that ended, it was announced that it was open play time.
She found a suitable spanking bench in one corner, and told me to strip down and get ready.
I did so, and knelt on the bench.
She went to work on my bottom and thighs with the two paddles, wooden spoon, and leather tawse, that we brought, and added to that a rubber flogger that another Mistress provided....
And in the course of the session, She had that Mistress use the flogger while She held my head...
It was the strokes to my lower cheeks and backs of my thighs that brought up a level of pain intensity that was .... beyond words, driving me into subspace.
 |
| Bite mark! |
When She told me to get up, stand up, I did, and my knees buckled, and I collapsed on the floor, and She held me awhile..
I was finally able to get up, and sit on a large padded stool...and I just sat there.... still drifting.
After awhile, we went outside to sit....
Then, we went home.
We undressed, lay down on the bed...and fell asleep for at least an hour.
Then we had to start moving, getting dressed, packing up Her stuff, and I went down with Her to Her car, and watched Her leave, and I got my stuff together, and went to work.
We exchanged a few wall posts and messages on FL.
In one, She said that She does not think I need enforced chastity to keep me from masturbating, I seem to be doing well on an honor system, and I agreed.
I pointed out that I think She enjoys having the control, and holding the key, when I am locked up, and if She wants to go that way, from time to time or whenever, that IS Her prerogative.
Her current decision, is that I am not to be locked up, at LEAST until our return from a trip to MD, this coming weekend, at which time She'll reconsider the decision.
I am fine with that, or whatever decision She makes.
Before Her, I used chastity devices as a method to stop incessant masturbating.
Well, I have stopped. It is now my fervent desire, to be able to retrain my body and my mind, to cum during intercourse, not from masturbating.
So, I don't think I NEED enforced chastity.
On the other hand, I do like turning over the control to Her, and I know that She enjoys having that control, and holding the key.
Very mixed emotions.
Maybe we'll be able to figure out a compromise, with some time (days) in chastity, and some... not.
New rule for this week, starting today:
Daily cigarette limit : 4
Cigarettes today : 2
Days since O 32 1/4
Hours UNlocked 228
Friday, August 16, 2013
august 15
Home, morning chores, talking to Her on the phone, then a shower before Her arrival, about 0900.
I met Her downstairs and we went up.
She asked, "Do you want a spanking?", and I smiled and said, "Yes."
She said "Choose something" and I chose a hairbrush, handed it to Her, and stripped.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and I bent, and lay across Her lap.
She whacked my butt with the hairbrush a decently length of time to get it warm, then told me to get up, and pick something else. I chose a long skinny wood paddle, and resumed the position and She whacked my butt some more, until She said "That's pink enough for me."
I slowly got up, slow enough to earn more whacks for taking so long, then the session shifted into cock-teasing, foreplay, and intercourse, with Her on top, and She wanted to roll over, still joined, so that I would be on top.
We did, and went off the edge of the bed.
Okay, it was kinda funny, but, my erection went into hiding.
We tried awhile longer, even using erection gel, to not much avail.
We finally decided to get some sleep.
And awake, a few hours late, me with "morning wood" ands we tried, again.
And, I still have not achieved an O during intercourse, but the pleasure is great, and I will not stop trying, and I am bound by my word to not masturbate otherwise.
So, we got up, showered and packed and went to my car, with Cookie.
We hit a butt load of traffic, of course, and slowly made our way to picking up R at work.
During this time, She confessed to me, that the online chat I had with Little S was,in reality, Her, pretending to be Little S.
There were elements, afterwards, that made me think this was the case, and in any event, it doesn't bother me.
It was easy for me to open up to Little S, and this could be a useful stratagem, to let me think I am talking to Little S, and be more open.
Picked up R, got him home to take a shower, then out to a dinner nearby, with a guest speaker, discussing polyamory. Very interesting, I wish I could have heard it better.
Home, and for me, bedtime, 22:00 or so.
Scorecard
Cigarettes. 5
Days since O. 29 1/4
He's unlocked 156
I met Her downstairs and we went up.
She asked, "Do you want a spanking?", and I smiled and said, "Yes."
She said "Choose something" and I chose a hairbrush, handed it to Her, and stripped.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and I bent, and lay across Her lap.
She whacked my butt with the hairbrush a decently length of time to get it warm, then told me to get up, and pick something else. I chose a long skinny wood paddle, and resumed the position and She whacked my butt some more, until She said "That's pink enough for me."
I slowly got up, slow enough to earn more whacks for taking so long, then the session shifted into cock-teasing, foreplay, and intercourse, with Her on top, and She wanted to roll over, still joined, so that I would be on top.
We did, and went off the edge of the bed.
Okay, it was kinda funny, but, my erection went into hiding.
We tried awhile longer, even using erection gel, to not much avail.
We finally decided to get some sleep.
And awake, a few hours late, me with "morning wood" ands we tried, again.
And, I still have not achieved an O during intercourse, but the pleasure is great, and I will not stop trying, and I am bound by my word to not masturbate otherwise.
So, we got up, showered and packed and went to my car, with Cookie.
We hit a butt load of traffic, of course, and slowly made our way to picking up R at work.
During this time, She confessed to me, that the online chat I had with Little S was,in reality, Her, pretending to be Little S.
There were elements, afterwards, that made me think this was the case, and in any event, it doesn't bother me.
It was easy for me to open up to Little S, and this could be a useful stratagem, to let me think I am talking to Little S, and be more open.
Picked up R, got him home to take a shower, then out to a dinner nearby, with a guest speaker, discussing polyamory. Very interesting, I wish I could have heard it better.
Home, and for me, bedtime, 22:00 or so.
Scorecard
Cigarettes. 5
Days since O. 29 1/4
He's unlocked 156
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Aug 14
M and I had a really good talk on the phone this morning....lasting about two hours.
...talking about some of the stuff I blogged about, some of the stuff that Little S and I chatted about...
And I feel good about it, about all of it.
I can't say I'm relaxed, no matter how many time She tells me to relax...simply because there's so many things to do, and like 30 days to do 'em.... and even after THAT, comes ....moving! along with one out of town trip before, another right after.... OY. Still, I am confident, WE can get it done.
All this is going to be fun exciting, nerve wracking, stressful, joyful.... a see-saw flipping back and forth along both sides of the emotional spectrum.
And this weekend...or MY weekend, that starts...oh in about 90 minutes....
To start with, She told me She wants to come to my place in the morning...and WHY...and I'm ...just grinning about it....
Then there's a Munch, tonight (Thursday) that promises to be interesting...
Friday, errands we hope to get to, then a dinner/meeting of Hers to go to...
Straight from there to MY place, with R and Her, to watch Dexter...maybe get some sleep!
Take R back home Saturday....back to my place.... if time allows, go to a SingleTail class at the LDS in the afternoon...
Alone for some 'quality' time at my place, Saturday night....
Sunday, to service, where She gets to meet my favorite minister...
and Sunday afternoon, a HSG party at the LdS, where She said, She's ready and willing to make an open announcement about our engagement....
I'm so excited, I just can't hide it!
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 5
Days since O 28 1/4 FOUR WEEKS! will that change, today??
Hours NOT locked in: 132
...talking about some of the stuff I blogged about, some of the stuff that Little S and I chatted about...
And I feel good about it, about all of it.
I can't say I'm relaxed, no matter how many time She tells me to relax...simply because there's so many things to do, and like 30 days to do 'em.... and even after THAT, comes ....moving! along with one out of town trip before, another right after.... OY. Still, I am confident, WE can get it done.
All this is going to be fun exciting, nerve wracking, stressful, joyful.... a see-saw flipping back and forth along both sides of the emotional spectrum.
And this weekend...or MY weekend, that starts...oh in about 90 minutes....
To start with, She told me She wants to come to my place in the morning...and WHY...and I'm ...just grinning about it....
Then there's a Munch, tonight (Thursday) that promises to be interesting...
Friday, errands we hope to get to, then a dinner/meeting of Hers to go to...
Straight from there to MY place, with R and Her, to watch Dexter...maybe get some sleep!
Take R back home Saturday....back to my place.... if time allows, go to a SingleTail class at the LDS in the afternoon...
Alone for some 'quality' time at my place, Saturday night....
Sunday, to service, where She gets to meet my favorite minister...
and Sunday afternoon, a HSG party at the LdS, where She said, She's ready and willing to make an open announcement about our engagement....
I'm so excited, I just can't hide it!
Scoreboard
Cigarettes 5
Days since O 28 1/4 FOUR WEEKS! will that change, today??
Hours NOT locked in: 132
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Aug 14: A chat with Little Miss S
M went to sleep...and a couple hours late, Little S hit me up in chat.
And we chatted, for a couple hours.
I am intentionally skipping details.
Maybe Little S will share it with M, maybe not.
The upshot of the chat is...I am supposed to ask for what I want.
Whether it's during a 'treat' or a 'funishment' or other play... or during sex.
If I want more, I should say so. If I want to be stroked in a certain way, I should say so.
I am supposed to ask, or else, how will she know?
As Little said, 'After all, she's not sykkic"
And... I don't see it happening (me, asking).
Not my nature, not my style, not my thing.
I've been told so many times, "If you don't ask, the answer is always no."
I have made a conscious choice... that I can live with the answer being 'no'.
And we chatted, for a couple hours.
I am intentionally skipping details.
Maybe Little S will share it with M, maybe not.
The upshot of the chat is...I am supposed to ask for what I want.
Whether it's during a 'treat' or a 'funishment' or other play... or during sex.
If I want more, I should say so. If I want to be stroked in a certain way, I should say so.
I am supposed to ask, or else, how will she know?
As Little said, 'After all, she's not sykkic"
And... I don't see it happening (me, asking).
Not my nature, not my style, not my thing.
I've been told so many times, "If you don't ask, the answer is always no."
I have made a conscious choice... that I can live with the answer being 'no'.
Aug 13
So, She evidently read my 'open letter' sometime Tuesday morning, before taking R to work.
The plan, up to this point, was for Her to then bring my dog, Cookie, who had being staying at Her house for the weekend we were away, up to me.
No particular plan in place from there: sometimes these morning get togethers lead to...something, sometimes something else, and sometimes, nothing.
Anyway, around 06:45, about when She would usually be in Her car, with R, She sent me a text: Just relax, everything's going to be okay."
..Well, sure, no problem.........
Protocol is for me to call Her at 0730, which should be after She has dropped R, and is on the road, either heading home, or my place, or ...wherever.
But I was... dead fuckin' tired. Awake since 0500 the day before, with little naps on the plane, at airports, at Her house.... I was dragging.
I text Her around 07:15: "I am drained, going to sleep now, call me when you arrive, I'll come down."
She wrote back, "Sleep is a good idea."
I woke up, oh, 0930, and my phone wasn't where I had put it when I went to sleep, and I started rummaging around looking for it, under the bed, etc, then I went to urinate, thinking I'd look for it when I got back.
And saw Her, sitting on the bed in the playroom.
"Oh...hi, can you call my phone, I have no idea where it is...?"
"I grabbed it, so it wouldn't wake you, I don't want you to look at the text I sent until I'm done..."
"Oh, okay... going back to sleep now.."
After a bit, She came in, woke me up and asked me to look at the long text She sent (copy of, on other blog).
I see that She addressed my concerns about money.... physical limits... meds... sex ... poly vs mono...
But not my confusion about times when we are as a couple, an engaged couple, in love, and times when She is Mistress and i am slave, and so often I don't know how to act or respond.
Anyway, then She lay down next to me, and we slept awhile, until 3ish, when She got up, and had to go get R at work, and I walked with Her downstairs.
I went back to sleep, awake with my alarm, 1800, and Her phone call...and got up, and spent a long time on the toilet.
Was able to get up to walk Cookie, and shower...then back to toilet, where I was 'stuck' again.
I've had ongoing bouts with IBS. Sometimes diarrhea, sometimes constipation, sometimes just going, and going....hasn't happened in awhile, and for the most part, I know it's brought on by stress and anxiety.
I called the boss at work, that I was running about a half hour late
And arrived at work, almost exactly half an hour late.
She had gone with R to the SB Munch, the one I went to, with Her, two months ago.
She told me by text, that H, the woman who will be alone in the house that we hope to move into, late September, is very excited, and so from time to time, She will send R to stay with her, so that he can help her around the house, AND ride his bike to work.
I asked Her if She had fun, and saw our mutual friends C and L, and told everybody?
She said yes.
I told Her that I DO have life insurance from work...up to now, I wasn't sure. Now, I just need to change my beneficiary on it.
I can get Her on my medical insurance, pre existing conditions and all...but OMG the cost difference...
It'll go from $137 / month for just me, to $551 a month for US.
Well, it will NEED to be done.
Later a text: "been home 15 minutes, and all hell has broken loose."
No explanation given, and She never came on line for a chat to explain it.
No matter, I have been busy with actual worklike stuff.
I'm trying to stay on a 'need to know' basis, anyway. If there's anything there I need to know, She'll tell me, otherwise...I don't need to know.
Later, She text: "Internet not working"
An ongoing problem with the wifi in Her room there, just works then it doesn't.
'Falling asleep, so very tired..."
"Good night."
Scoreboard:
cigarettes 5
Days since 27 1/4
Hours unlocked 106
I'm not locked because my junk was showing signs of abrasion created by the last device, so She is keeping me unlocked until it heals. I am on my honor and promise not to masturbate in the meantime.
Will that be 'good enough', or does She enjoy the control She has, by keeping me locked, that once healed, She'll want the device on me again? I have no idea. She keeps most of Her plans, ideas, thoughts, on matters such as these, and so many others, to Herself.
Such as this:
The week before we went on the trip, we were chatting online, and I thought we decided for the coming week that:
Thursday morning, after I get off work, and take care of stuff at home, I would put Cookie in the car, and come to Her house, spend Thursday night, and Friday daytime... go with Her and R to the LB evening meeting/dinner, drive straight from there to my house, catch up on episodes of Dexter on my DVR.... take R home, Saturday morning, put Cookie in the car, return--just Her and me, separate cars, to my place for the rest of Saturday, Saturday night.... go to service at my church Sunday morning, then the HSG party in the afternoon, then She would go home from there, while I go to work.
But...after we got back to Her place on Monday, She explained the plan to R like THIS:
I will wait til Friday to come to Her place... then go to the meeting/dinner in LB, return to my place, watch Dexter, take R home on Saturday, return to my place in two cars, spend the night, etc.... through Sunday evening... so, same plan but without the Thursday part.
It would seem Her unilateral decision was based on, since She would be with me on Saturday night, She should be home alone with R on Thursday.
So it would seem I am only allowed time with Her, two nights a week, either Thursday and Friday, or in this case, Friday and Saturday... and only one of those nights, would we be alone.
...Along with daytime Tuesdays, it seems.
Meanwhile, an interesting Munch has popped up for Thursday night. from the LICK group, during which there will be a discussion on managing poly in a D/s relationship.
And it's right down the street from Her house.
Easy for Her to get to, and I suppose I could attend the Munch, then go back home from there.
Waiting to see if She is interested.
The plan, up to this point, was for Her to then bring my dog, Cookie, who had being staying at Her house for the weekend we were away, up to me.
No particular plan in place from there: sometimes these morning get togethers lead to...something, sometimes something else, and sometimes, nothing.
Anyway, around 06:45, about when She would usually be in Her car, with R, She sent me a text: Just relax, everything's going to be okay."
..Well, sure, no problem.........
Protocol is for me to call Her at 0730, which should be after She has dropped R, and is on the road, either heading home, or my place, or ...wherever.
But I was... dead fuckin' tired. Awake since 0500 the day before, with little naps on the plane, at airports, at Her house.... I was dragging.
I text Her around 07:15: "I am drained, going to sleep now, call me when you arrive, I'll come down."
She wrote back, "Sleep is a good idea."
I woke up, oh, 0930, and my phone wasn't where I had put it when I went to sleep, and I started rummaging around looking for it, under the bed, etc, then I went to urinate, thinking I'd look for it when I got back.
And saw Her, sitting on the bed in the playroom.
"Oh...hi, can you call my phone, I have no idea where it is...?"
"I grabbed it, so it wouldn't wake you, I don't want you to look at the text I sent until I'm done..."
"Oh, okay... going back to sleep now.."
After a bit, She came in, woke me up and asked me to look at the long text She sent (copy of, on other blog).
I see that She addressed my concerns about money.... physical limits... meds... sex ... poly vs mono...
But not my confusion about times when we are as a couple, an engaged couple, in love, and times when She is Mistress and i am slave, and so often I don't know how to act or respond.
Anyway, then She lay down next to me, and we slept awhile, until 3ish, when She got up, and had to go get R at work, and I walked with Her downstairs.
I went back to sleep, awake with my alarm, 1800, and Her phone call...and got up, and spent a long time on the toilet.
Was able to get up to walk Cookie, and shower...then back to toilet, where I was 'stuck' again.
I've had ongoing bouts with IBS. Sometimes diarrhea, sometimes constipation, sometimes just going, and going....hasn't happened in awhile, and for the most part, I know it's brought on by stress and anxiety.
I called the boss at work, that I was running about a half hour late
And arrived at work, almost exactly half an hour late.
She had gone with R to the SB Munch, the one I went to, with Her, two months ago.
She told me by text, that H, the woman who will be alone in the house that we hope to move into, late September, is very excited, and so from time to time, She will send R to stay with her, so that he can help her around the house, AND ride his bike to work.
I asked Her if She had fun, and saw our mutual friends C and L, and told everybody?
She said yes.
I told Her that I DO have life insurance from work...up to now, I wasn't sure. Now, I just need to change my beneficiary on it.
I can get Her on my medical insurance, pre existing conditions and all...but OMG the cost difference...
It'll go from $137 / month for just me, to $551 a month for US.
Well, it will NEED to be done.
Later a text: "been home 15 minutes, and all hell has broken loose."
No explanation given, and She never came on line for a chat to explain it.
No matter, I have been busy with actual worklike stuff.
I'm trying to stay on a 'need to know' basis, anyway. If there's anything there I need to know, She'll tell me, otherwise...I don't need to know.
Later, She text: "Internet not working"
An ongoing problem with the wifi in Her room there, just works then it doesn't.
'Falling asleep, so very tired..."
"Good night."
Scoreboard:
cigarettes 5
Days since 27 1/4
Hours unlocked 106
I'm not locked because my junk was showing signs of abrasion created by the last device, so She is keeping me unlocked until it heals. I am on my honor and promise not to masturbate in the meantime.
Will that be 'good enough', or does She enjoy the control She has, by keeping me locked, that once healed, She'll want the device on me again? I have no idea. She keeps most of Her plans, ideas, thoughts, on matters such as these, and so many others, to Herself.
Such as this:
The week before we went on the trip, we were chatting online, and I thought we decided for the coming week that:
Thursday morning, after I get off work, and take care of stuff at home, I would put Cookie in the car, and come to Her house, spend Thursday night, and Friday daytime... go with Her and R to the LB evening meeting/dinner, drive straight from there to my house, catch up on episodes of Dexter on my DVR.... take R home, Saturday morning, put Cookie in the car, return--just Her and me, separate cars, to my place for the rest of Saturday, Saturday night.... go to service at my church Sunday morning, then the HSG party in the afternoon, then She would go home from there, while I go to work.
But...after we got back to Her place on Monday, She explained the plan to R like THIS:
I will wait til Friday to come to Her place... then go to the meeting/dinner in LB, return to my place, watch Dexter, take R home on Saturday, return to my place in two cars, spend the night, etc.... through Sunday evening... so, same plan but without the Thursday part.
It would seem Her unilateral decision was based on, since She would be with me on Saturday night, She should be home alone with R on Thursday.
So it would seem I am only allowed time with Her, two nights a week, either Thursday and Friday, or in this case, Friday and Saturday... and only one of those nights, would we be alone.
...Along with daytime Tuesdays, it seems.
Meanwhile, an interesting Munch has popped up for Thursday night. from the LICK group, during which there will be a discussion on managing poly in a D/s relationship.
And it's right down the street from Her house.
Easy for Her to get to, and I suppose I could attend the Munch, then go back home from there.
Waiting to see if She is interested.
AUG 14 Another mono slave offers advice
Shilo (and
M.....Shilo, please share this with her), my heart hurts for the challenges
you two are taking on so quickly.
While you two may not
agree with everything, I hope it gives you some insight and perspectives to
discuss.
Master and I have
been together almost 2 years and I am just now really coming to accept the
reality of serving and loving a poly master. It has been emotional quicksand
and instead of relaxing so I didn't sink, I fought it, I fought to try and
understand why I wasn't enough, I fought to understand why "you are my
world" didn't mean he wouldn't need and love another.
Shilo, she won't
understand the mono wiring, or why we feel llke not enough, why we need to feel
more than or better than. And likely, she will get frustrated that it is going
to be an ongoing issue...like forever.
M: there is no
fixing. Mono triggers can be softened so they don't hit so hard, but it takes
lots of time and repetition and consistency. But they are always going to be
there.
Being mono is as much
an orientation as being gay or straight.
Master can tell me as
many times as he wants to that I am perfect for him, but I have to accept and
absorb it. Tolerating and handling are short term solutions and long term it
takes acceptance.
M, you have to
accept that this part of you is always going to cause him some pain. You have
to accept that without guilt.
Shilo, you have to
accept that part of her and learn to find joy in her happiness, even when it
isn't with you. I see Master looking at Vee with all the love he looks at me
with and yet there is never less for me. It took time to see that and time to
see that I lose nothing because he loves her too.
And his patience! The
zillions of times he held me as I felt inadequate because I wasn't enough. The
repetition of the fact that his love for me was not diminished or changed by
loving her. His patience awes me.
No amount of time
with him is ever enough. No amount of time lessens that first gasp of "he
loves her too." That is all work we have done to build the foundation of
our relationship. I still lose my shit. And he still holds me and reassures me
that nothing has changed.
You two have a long
journey and it's not going to be easy or fun at times. Be gentle with each
other. Honestly, this is not something protocols will fix. This is plain hard
work and effort on both sides, even when you just want to say "fuck
it" and walk away.
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