10.20 and 10.21 Journal... Question looking for answers.

I started writing this  at work Sunday night ....
What is it about spanking... the idea of getting a spanking... that arouses me so much?

Why do fantasies constantly play through my head?

And why do I feel so unfulfilled even though I have a Dominant Wife who is ecstatically happy to spank my bottom, whenever, wherever, however?

Some possible answers:

It's not just the spanking that arouses me, it's the submission to the spanking that does, equally so. 
It's being told to get ready for a spanking, a real one...
And that has not happened, often.
And, there's been a time or two, when I flat out said, "No," and given our size differential, there's not much She can do about that.

So that's a problem.  
In my head and my heart, I'm not totally totally ready to ... submit.

Continuing this on Monday night, adding today's events
She did not go to bed until 03:15 or later, Monday morning, and told me She wanted to do 'some filming' which referred to, some kind of DD scene, including me still in chastity.
THAT She was going to sleep at such an hour... (and I would be getting home at 0730ish and joining Her in bed 0800 or later) meant to me...
Well, we've danced to this song before.
I cleared my head of expectations.
Got caught in crappy traffic on the way home, and arrived later than usual.  
By the time I fed the critters, and took a shower, I didn't get into bed until 0845.
And She said, She didn't want to get up, but would rather just lay with me, there, for awhile.
 Shocker!
(Later, She explained that even after going to bed, She had been up several times with abdominal distress.)
Still, my lack of expectations were realized.
And SO, 
...later in the evening, when my alarm was going off at 1730, as time to get up and ready for work,  She told me that "DD is scheduled for 6:00"  and I said, "No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"No, as in, I'm tired, I don't feel like it."
"Oh.... okay."

So now, maybe to try to answer the questions I started this entry with...

I still don't know why I find the whole idea so arousing. Perhaps I'm just 'wired' that way. That's often how others describe it.

Fantasies...  continue to run through my head, because they are so ... perfect.
I get spanked the way that I THINK I wannabe spanked... I never refuse.  Everybody is happy.

I'm kind of unfulfilled because... 
She doesn't follow through.
She has the best intentions, and says She will do something, that kinda gets my hopes up, then poopies happen, and whatever was intended doesn't get done, and I get mad,  and spiteful, and I refuse to go along with whatever She tries to do next. 

I've got a lot of unsorted feelings,  which are hard to sort while at work, so I'm cutting this off, without any kind of real ending.