Sun 10.12 Diary

Up 0400, P & S; back to sleep.

Up around 0900, as She was waking up.
Laying together, talking... mostly about 'him' and what to do. She says She is going to write a letter to give to him, giving him a choice, and 24 hours to decide. We shall see.

She asked if I wanted...'Her.'
I answered, Yes, but not right now.
I said, I feel like I have a boxer in my chest, a Muhammed Ali, reading to take punches and jabs at anyone that comes close... I just can't get past the basic feeling of anger that encompasses me right now.  I can be cordial...but not close.
She asked, "How about...a spanking?"
Same thing.  The boxer inside me is in charge of my defense shield. Don't even try.

Coffee and toast for breakfast.  If that sounds restricted, well, that's all I wanted.  It's something for my stomach that won't upset my stomach.
Pit Bull knocked over the camcorder on a tripod that I had in the living room, so I made room in the bedroom, to bring it in, while doing some other minor organizing.
Finally managed to get this laptop to connect to the internet, and updated Saturday's blog.  
Am caught up for now, going to sign off, and read today's paper, then get ready for work...................................................... 11:38 

..Started to read the paper, but She came in, and we talked some more.
At 12:30, I had to get up and going....changed clothes, made coffee, got myself ready, said 'good bye' 
Went to my car , 13:14, rolled into work 14:05.
MT was here: I let her do set up, and I did the PM work.
Which was a bundle...
All fun and games, then a driver, with passenger on board, had a flat tire on the 405 S, setting off a bit of a scramble...
all in a nights work.

HsLS  134
Hs LO 180
HsLD 83
H un 580
HER DO  N

The numbers are telling, in reference to my state of mind.
We haven't had sex since ... Tuesday.
Our last DD session was Thursday, before I went to work.
The last DO I provided Her with, was on Thursday.
Then I got up early on Friday, trying to flip my body schedule for work on Saturday, and to take care of budgeting etc....
Then I went out to the bank to pay the rent, and forgot my wallet and had to come back, and ...things went wonky.  
A feeling of ...anger... took over me, and I haven't been able to shake it off.
I've been cold, separate, grouchy.... 
I've made noises to the effect that I was ready to pack up and move out  (I don't think there was any real teeth to the threat but...)
I've been really aggravated by Tallship's failure to do a damn thing to earn his keep, around the house.
I've been upset and worried about our financial straits.
And I've been working...a lot.  
Yes, the added hours are going to look very good on my next paycheck, should I actually live long enough to see it.
This has been a recurring pattern, and one I'm not happy with: that our D-time occurs during my work week, but nothin' happens on my actual days off. 
(I had half a day off, Wednesday, and a whole day off, Friday).
She tried to give me some 'D', Saturday night, and I told Her quite flatly and evenly, "No."
She offered to give me some 'D', Sunday morning, and I again said 'No'.
I really felt like I was spiting my nose off my face.
I really wanted it.
But...I just could not submit.
Not when I was feeling the anger inside me.
In some respect, due to recent events..
...like a conversation She had with Tallship...
...me, working on budget projections...
 I feel like my anger has subsided a bit.
I just might be ready to get back into the 'swing of things' come Monday morning.