Oct 22

Didn't leave the office until 0630....
First stop, Ralphs for fish food.
Second stop,  for a tank of gas.
Due to waiting so long, traffic was a bitch getting home.
Home about 8:30.
I fed everybody, then started my own dinner,  when She came out of Her room, after napping.
But it was Little S, again.
She said, she sent me a text....  I didn't hear it, or my phone was in the room, while I was in the kitchen.
It said, "Can we play with sticks....?"
I said, "No, thanks..."
"Have I been a bad girl?"
"Not at all, this is not about you, this is about me."
"Did you see the blog She wrote, it's not nice."
I had not seen a new blog entry from Her, so I looked at it on my phone.
Well...
She describes qualities She desires in a man and qualities She finds undesirable.
The undesirable list includes  petulance, passive-aggressiveness, coldness, whining, silence.
That's been me,  and She wrote this entry for me to read.
 (I really don't think I've been whining.... )
 Yet, I can't shake it.
I think, I'm falling into depression.
Nothing ...or rather...no thought of anything...excites me.
I just want to be left alone.  I'm irritable, grouchy,and super sensitive.

Consider this recent comment She left on one of my posts:
"Yes, I enjoy sex with you, I also enjoy locking you and keeping you wondering.
I was thinking, though... it might be fun if we combined the chastity with me urethral figging you (yummy naughty thoughts) OR, even better, use that bed for its intended purpose and use the 'music therapy' in conjunction with having you locked.:"
  My reaction:  Yeah, okay, if You want to.

And this comment:
"Hmmm... We really need to use the 'points' on the bed and tie you standing for a whipping."
Well, She has yet to do this sort of thing...  (use any kind of bondage on me)(or give me a 'whipping')and when I'm in a 'normal' mindset, I would get a stirring in my loins at the prospect.
But, now.... well, I feel like there's been SO MANY Femdom S/M activities that we have talked about.... that She has said, She likes...  but we have not engaged in...  that I just don't want to get myself worked in anticipation, then disappointed...again.
And...right now...I just don't care.
Whatever She wants to do,  I will ... submit to, because I am supposed to,  but not because I want to.

And there's a Halloween party at our favorite dungeon on Saturday....
I just can't work up any excitement for it.   I could go, or not go, I wouldn't care.
If I go, and She tells me what to do, I'll do it.  If She doesn't tell me...I won't ask.  If She asks me if I want to...., I'll say no.  If She gives me a choice, like Here or There, I'll take the path of least resistance.

Anyway, I finished the morning, talking to Little S, while eating and watching t.v., then went to sleep.

I managed a solid six hours, before getting up to pee, and have a sugar snack then went back to sleep for another hour or so.
Got up...got ready.... and headed out the door.
She came out of Her bedroom, where She had been napping, and hugged me, and said, "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For anything."
"Well,  'sorry' isn't really effective if you don't know what you're sorry for."
So, I don't remember exactly what She said, but basically it was "for doing .... to hurt you."
I said, "Okay."
And ...off to work, I went.

We exchanged a few texts while I was at work.
And I saw, She was adding MORE fetishes to Her list.
One of them: She is into giving "caging/confinement".   I want Her to explain that one.
Another:  She is into watching  "straight who receive anal, and like it"    Yeah? I'm waiting...
Another : She is into giving "enemas".   Yeah?  I'm STILL waiting....

Oh, fuck it all.

as of midnight:
HSLO  403
HsDB  88
HUnlocked  39