I have generated a number of notebooks... pages put in binders... different subjects near and dear to me, with the idea that someday, I might have a comprehensive how-to book.
The subjects: Spanking and corporal punishment, slavery and/or Femdom, pegging + enemas + anal play, and male chastity.
Of interest right NOW, which is to say, the focus of this post, is male chastity.
By 'male chastity', I do not mean, making a decision to be chaste.
I mean, ENFORCED male chastity, via the use of a chastity device.
My interest in enforced male chastity (abbreviated EMC for brevity, as I go on), and very specifically, EMC applied to me, started in late September, 2012.
I had a roommate, but she lived upstairs in our townhouse, I lived downstairs. I had not engaged in intercourse in about a decade. And I was engaging in masturbation ...frequently, spending hours in edging myself and stopping and edging myself, until I allowed myself to cum.... then having the feelings of shame and disgust with myself, for spending so much time in what seemed to be a pointless activity.
.... Then starting the cycle over.
Then I spotted on eBay, an inexpensive chastity device... a foreign knock off of a CB-6000.
I bought it...and received it within a week.
And started using it. A day or so at first,then a week. Then, I tried to get really serious with it.
One thing I missed, even though I had yet to experience it, was ...to have someone else holding the key.
Without that, I could unlock myself anytime I wanted.
At one point, I put the key to the lock inside the glove compartment of my car, just so I'd have to go downstairs and outside to get the key, if I wanted to, all that badly.
And that's putting aside the fact that I have some lock picking skills, and I found, just by testing, that I can easily pick the locks provided with this thing...and the locks provided with other devices I ordered, as time when on.
March of 2013...I communicated with a guy that I met online...that became a Top to my bottom, giving me spankings on my bare bottom whenever we got together, but one of his orders before we got together the first time, was to lock myself up in a device, and remain locked up until he said otherwise, for a period up to the last day of March.
He came to my house twice during March, and paddled my butt hard enough to leave bruises each time.
When he came by on the 10th, he said he had other obligations the following weekend, and would not be able to come over.
We communicated via email for a few days into the week, then I stopped initiating email contact, and he never did initiate.
Never. At all.
Right up to the 31st.
At midnight of April 1, I took off the device, and had a bit of a party, stroking my penis and enjoying the hell out of it.
And so, I did not engage in self imposed EMC after that.
I met Merry, briefly at a party, late that month.
We began exchanging messages through Fet.
One of many things she mentioned that she liked, was imposing chastity on a male sub.
After many messages, she asked if I wanted to be her play partner at an upcoming party, and I said, yes, or hell yes, or something like that.
We got together at the party, and she beat my bottom remarkably well, even breaking her own index finger on her right hand, while doing so.
On June 15, we signed a Dominant/submissive contract.
On June 23, we signed a Mistress/slave contract.
We lived 50 miles apart, but were in constant telephone/text/email contact
She gave me specific directives about masturbation, telling me how many days a week I could masturbate (at the start, three) and how long I could do it before I had to stop (like, twenty minutes).
In one phone conversation, she told me she had not forgotten about enforcing chastity, she planned to do it ...soon.
Which I found terrifying, in the moment.
At the end of June, we confessed to each other, that we had fallen in love with each other.
A couple of days after that, we engaged in sexual intercourse.
And she decided, no masturbation for me, at all. I was free to cum whenever I could during intercourse, but no masturbation.
(She will be quick to point out, I broke that rule, on my birthday in November, while she slept next to me, but that is not the subject of this post.)
In early-mid July, she was going on an out of state trip....and that is when she decided to lock me up for the first time.
And released me, shortly after her return.
She continued to lock me up... and release me... during the following months, during which she asked me to marry her, and I agreed... and we got married in Las Vegas...and returned to our separate homes, until we found a house and moved in, together.
She locked me up during December, with the idea of unlocking me on Christmas morning, as a present to herself and to me.
But abrasions were showing at the base of my penis, and she unlocked me the day before.
And did not lock me up again, until April 25th, prior to leaving on a weekend road trip with some lady friends.
I am still locked up, as I write this, BTW.
So much for history.
What does this have to do with my notebooks-come-manuals?
It relates to how I FEEL about this.
I have a love-hate relationship with EMC.
And she knows it. I have frequently reacted in some passive-aggressive manner when she imposed chastity on me. And she wonders why, given my claims of liking it so much.
I love having the lack of control.
I hate not having control, myself.
And it's not that I want to be free ..to masturbate. Not that, at all.
I think it relates to my lousy experience a year ago, when the Top left me hanging, just forgot about me. \
Then there's all the porn I read, most likely fantasy fiction written by men (that's what I really believe) having to do with guys locked up by their wifes/girlfriends for months...and months...and months....
And there's the vagueness that Merry uses when she talks about it, never being specific about how long she intends to keep me locked up...and it just scares me.
And finally... there's arbitrariness.... the ol' "because I said so."
When she locks me up, that's the reason for it that I get.
Which I just don't like.
I would prefer if she said, "Because it pleases me."
Now, I KNOW that ...if we used a lock and key, I could just pick it if I wanted to, and when she uses a plastic numbered lock, I could just cut it, IF I wanted to.
But I don't want to, I want to be able to submit to however long she wants it to be.
Yet it scares me.
Finally, getting to my point about my notebooks....
I was rearranging them, and doing some reading....
With special interest in the writings about male chastity.
With intent interest on discussions of dopamine, oxytocin, and prolactin.
Dopamine causes pleasure, levels rise with arousal, and floods in at orgasm.
Oxytocin helps in bonding and connection, aids in after glow, levels rise during arousal.
Prolactin creates a feeling of satiation, even depression, and puts the breaks on dopamine and oxytocin.
At orgasm, prolactin kicks in, causing the 'drop', with dopamine and oxytocin levels falling to the floor, while prolactin hangs around for a couple weeks.
Thus the male continues to feel Unaroused, Unconnected, depressed for some time after orgasm.
So:
Merry has reassured me on countless occasions that she is NOT going to lock me up and just 'throw away the key.' She enjoys sex with me FAR TOO MUCH to do that.
I've had trouble REALLY accepting that. But I should
AND
I now understand a logical reason for being locked up.
It would aid to keeping my dopamine and prolactin levels up.
Which would aid in keeping me interested in her, sexually and in so many other ways.
So, now I get it.
I'm 'in'.
When she orders a lock up, I can and will accept it, with no negative reactions, maybe even with positive reactions.
