She called me...
around 0215...
To tell me how upset She has been, and is, about... me, being less than honest...
Well, DIShonest, outright LYING..about 'things'.
Specifically smoking (saying I have not, when I really have) and masturbation (saying I have not, when I really have).
She doesn't not understood why I feel the need to do so, why I continue to do so ...up to this point, and would I be so kind as to STOP DOING IT ...
She wrote another blog entry, specifically about ..this.
She's been rather prolific in Her blogging, six entries in the last seven days.
Anyway, the title of this one is "Discouraged" which is a summation of Her feelings about... us.
And here, by virtue of copy and paste, is a comment I wrote on that entry:
Maybe... it was all too good to be true... and it really wasn't meant to be.
Maybe ...I was trying to make changes in my life just to please someone else .... (you)... and not so much because I really wanted the changes for myself. How often does that sort of thing really work out?
Maybe I really enjoyed my solitary existence, then jumped into this multi-person relationship because I saw it as a 'dream come true'....
And...maybe...now that some reality is sinking in, that I have and have always had SO MUCH DIFFICULTY with just being open and honest and transparent and genuine ... with another human being... that maybe we come to realize...
..that I just can't do it... well, I can't learn to do it overnight, I can't change overnight, and who can?....
And maybe, I start to think... another relationship (for me) that seems to be heading south ... because of my own inability to be honest and open and genuine... what is this for me, the fourth such relationship?
And then I lie, to you and to me, to cover it up, to mask it, to hide ... because I don't want to admit to another failure.
And depression beckons to me.
A lot of 'maybe's' there, because I am simply not SURE of any damn thing, right now.
05:00, gotta get back to work.
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