July 30

OFF work  0600, went home, took care of chores,  started some laundry, took a shower,  called Her on Her cell.
She was not far away from my house.
She pulled up, I jumped in, we went to a local diner for breakfast.
We ordered, and were being served, when Her 'Little', (S) took over.
I always enjoy talking to S.
I have no great fondness for children. I've never had any, I helped raise a couple step-sons, then later, a young girl from my live-in girlfriend, but none of those were young.
But, S, I really enjoy talking to. 
She is precocious, and quite often, blurts out little secrets that J or M would not otherwise tell me.
And, she has a bit of a sadistic streak.
She's given me a harder caning than M ever has.   Hard enough that I was yelling for J to 'come out'.
(I must point out, it was due to much wrapping, with strokes landing on the side of my thighs, and on my lower back, above the buttocks,  and quite rapid fire.  I've pointed out to her, if she wants to play with me in the manner again, she will have to slow down, and aim strokes to land across my buttocks.)
Then we returned to my place.
She was still ...Little, S, so there wasn't going to be any 'fooling around'.
Which was okay, it was well into my normal bedtime.
We undressed, and lay down on the bed together, and went to sleep, around 10:00.

We woke up, oh 12:15ish.   Little was gone, She was J.
In a very small amount of time, She unlocked me, and we began lovemaking.
It lasted ... awhile....   and yet... once again.... I was not able to cum myself,  although She certainly seemed to be enjoying Herself.
We stopped, and talked for a bit.... on such topics as how to get Her to 'cum on demand' ... which I won't share here,  and a secret that S shared, about the first time, and how, J knew She was in love with me.
After awhile, we started....lovemaking, again.
She became...somewhat ... satisfied,  and again, I failed to cum.
Ah well.
Just the same, I really enjoy the look about Her, the look in Her eyes, when She is enjoyed Herself so much,  and I'm deriving my pleasure from that, and feeling satisfied.
Then, it was time to jump up, as She had to go get R at work.
She told me, She trusted me to lock myself up, and I walked Her down to Her car, and watched Her leave.
Back upstairs, I locked myself up, had a snack, and went to sleep about 15:45.
And up at 17:30.
Walked the dog,  took a shower,  got self ready, got in the car, and called Her, and we talked most of my way to work.
She asked, "Did you lock yourself up?"
"Yes."  ..What, you don't trust me?
"Send a picture to my email, when you get a chance."
"Will do."

This is what I took, inside my office, and sent to Her.

The pressing agenda for the evening, was to figure out a hotel for September, and once we did that, we'd book the chapel.
She started working on it, then I took over.

After a while, I've got us booked into Circus Circus, and the Chapel booked.
Now, to count down the days.

Later, we were chatting in G-chat.
I mentioned,  "Oh, Moonburn is this Saturday...'
 "Yeah, so?"
"Since I'll be home alone...."
"Yeah, so?"
"Oh, nothing..."
"You just wanted to let me know that Moonburn is on Saturday?"
"Yeah... and I did, and now you know, that's all."
"Okay."
"Okay."
.... then...
"Do you want to go?:"
"I was thinking about it for a minute, but not now."
"If you want to go, I'm not adverse to it.... I just  need you to be forthcoming, and ASK."
"Okay...but, I don't want to go."
"So, what will you do instead..."
"Chores, housework, shopping..."

Bumping heads:  She wants me to ask for .... whatever 'it' might be.
But, I despise 'asking'.  I have a very strong fear of rejection.
The fear of being told "no" to any request almost always overrides the possible benefit I might derive from a 'yes'.
Ergo, I am very unlikely to ever ask, or make a request, for something, when I am uncertain of the probability of a 'yes' answer.

Scoreboard. as of midnight:
Cigarettes   8
Days since O:  13 1/4
Hours in chastity:  8.5

July 29 Coming to an agreement about me in chastity

 Here's the basic text of an email conversation we had, that indicates we've come to an agreement on me in chastity:

HER: 
"My idea was just to keep it locked when I'm not specifically using it.
It keeps me in control. ALWAYS. It means I have to make a conscious effort to have sex with you and keeps me mindful of my headspace.
Seeing you locked up really does cause my girly bits to tingle. Forbidden fruit and all...
I know you won't masturbate with me around. Mostly because sex can be available. I will even go so far as to say that I believe your sexual desire is for me only, and you'd rather have me instead of masturbating."

ME
"I think... I said, I think.... not sure, but I think...that my fear was, has been, that you'd want to keep it locked and NOT USE IT.
And weeks would pass etc etc...
Yes, I WANT you to have the control.
I'm glad that seeing me locked up turns you on.
So, given that my desire if for you and you alone,
and that you're not going to lock me up and lose the key....
but rather unlock me for ....hopefully frequent.... sessions of hot lovemaking....
and relock me, whenever, afterwards...
And reassure me, it's only being locked until...the next time....
Then I think we've come to an accord within which I won't seem miserable all of the time."

"My intention was never to keep you locked up for weeks or months at a time. Like I've said: I enjoy sex with you. I desire sex with you.
I don't think I'd ever lock you and ignore you for more than a few days to a week, and, if it was a week, I'd have a pretty good reason or explanation.
I don't believe in withholding sex as a punishment. It punishes me too. So relax!"

July 29

A quiet day, with very little to write about from the standpoint of my relationship and doings with Mistress.

Home from work in the morning, spoke to Her a bit at 0730....
Caught up on four days of newpapers (which is to say, I read the comics page from each one, about all I read nowadays)...and watched The Newsroom, about the only tv show I've been watching,  other than Dexter, which I watch when I'm with Her.
Then, finally, to sleep, early by my usual standards,  845 to 0900.
And woke up with this, around 13:45:

...the first somewhat uncomfortable morning wood experience I've had in sometime.

Anyway, up around 17:25.... walked the dog, etc...
Spoke to Her on the phone around 18:00,
and She told me Her plan for this weekend:
 I would come to Her on Thursday....  stay overnight, return alone Friday night....
...Have Friday night, Saturday to myself,   meet Her and R for dinner,  then go to The Party....
She said She wants to get a motel room for after The Party, rather than drive home at  3 or 4 a.m., and suggested I stay with Her there.
,,which I'm really ambivalent about,   and only because I really want to get to my church service Sunday morning, as Reverend Ann is speaking (giving the lesson),  and while I really like Dr Harry,  I prefer Rev Ann.
She taught most of the classes I've taken there, and I love to be there when she is giving the lesson.
So...  I don't know what I'm going to do about that.

Meanwhile, we are having an email conversation about chapels in Las Vegas; I think that will be settled soon enough.
And we had a 'conversation' through the F-site, wherein She started out by asking me questions about my rather mixed feelings about ...chastity and Her poly.
I think...
I think...
 we got it all sorted out in a reasonable fashion
  Although in one reply, She reminded me that I should remember to use protocol by asking permission to speak freely....  
at a time when I thought we were having a J / D conversation.
With Her help, I 'breathed' my way through an incipient panic attack,  and now, I'm moving on.

Scoreboard  as of midnight
Cigarettes today   8
Days since last O:  12 1/4
Hours locked up  39

July 28

Awake at 0345....
Started lovemaking.... She unlocked me.
I was on top of Her for awhile.... still, without cumming.

We tried to make a 2nd go of it, and She froze.
She was having a panic attack.
I tried my best to get Her through it.

We kinda went back to sleep, around 0700, and I was awake at 0730, to begin morning chores, feeding animals, walking the dog.
I woke Her up,for our showers, to pack, to dress....
And to lock me up, around 0900.

We went into the playroom, and She told me to drop my briefs,  while She sat on a chair, and I bent over Her lap, for a goodly dose of red rubber paddle, followed by wooden spoon.

We finished dressing and packing,  and got in my car, and went to my church, and attended service.

Then we drove on, to pick up Her Mentor, W,  and then on to Her home.
During the ride, W mentioned going to an upcoming party, and She asked him, "Do you have a date?"
This hurt me, because I found out later, I misunderstood.  I thought She meant, a DATE, when I thought, I was Her date, but She was asking, if he had a ride....So...

Anyway, at Her house, I got a 90 minute nap, woke up. 
We talked for awhile, then I had to go to work, arriving, oh, 5 minutes late.

We've chatted some in the course of the night, until She went to bed, around 0200.
It would appear that "we" have decided to keep the engagement a secret, and not to announce anything to the kink world until we are actually married.

We talked a little about formal collaring.
In view of the marriage, 'we' don't consider it 'necessary' and so, may or may not happen, sometime or other.
She suggested I need it to be happy. I said, the marriage is ...permanent enough, really.

Meanwhile, I am having EXTREMELY mixed emotions about being locked in chastity 24/7.
We both know, I have other keys to this lock.  If I didn't I could pick this lock, in 5 or 6 seconds.
So, it's not like I'm in San Quentin.
I choose to submit, abide by Her wishes on this, but I haven't been all that happy about it.
Her vision on this, and mine, have not exactly coincided.

Then there's my vision of when we're living together... ALL of us, including Her So, R.
We will be sharing our time with Her.  
My mono self is simply having trouble adjusting to Her poly lifestyle.

And, how many times have I gotten myself in trouble, or will I continue to get myself in trouble, by thinking I am with J, my lover, when I'm really with M, my Mistress,  and talking out of turn, or arguing...  

I have no doubt of my love for Her, that I am IN LOVE with Her.
...that She feels the same way for me.
That getting married is THE RIGHT THING to DO....

I'm just having mixed emotions, as I learn to set aside my old ways, dominated by my ego, and learn, really learn, new ways, all the ways I can of pleasing Her.

New paradigm: as of today,  my limit is Eight cigarettes a day.

Scorecard:
Cigarettes  8   most of them on the way from Her house to work, while sleep deprived.
Since last O:  11 1/4 days
Locked up:   15 hours

July 27

Awake,  900 ish.
Up for a dog walk... and showers....
And locked up again,  10:00 ish. 
Out for breakfast.
Back home, to change clothes.
And off to a local dungeon, for the Carnal Carnival.
I watched Her get a spanking from Her Mentor.
We watched a marvelous flogging exhibition by a wonderful Mistress on Her Slave.
We went around looking around, then sat outside for awhile.
We went back inside, and She had me play a bean bag toss game, until I had won enough coupons for Her to get a stuffed animal.
And we left, and went to a supermarket for much needed grocery shopping.
In the candy aisle, Her Little came out, and had a minor meltdown, but it worked out.
Home, and time to walk the dog again.
And upstairs, for a bit of a nap.
Then we started discussing, and settled on, a wedding date.
She said, She was going to text or call R, with the news.
And ... I got upset, saying something, "Can't it wait?  This is supposed to be our time,  but it seems like You are constantly calling or texting R with every little thing."
Well....
This led to a very pointed discussion on Her part, that included multiple pinches and slaps to my body, as She reminded me that our time is Her time, for whatever She chooses to do with it, and furthermore, by the agreement, normally She would be at home on Saturday night with R anyway, and I should feel privileged to have Her with me this night....
And I said, as calmly as I could, "If you want me to take You home, I will, at anytime..."

THAT did not go over well, at all.
"You are assuming I want to go home?"
"No, I just was pointing out, that if You want to, I will take you."
"I did not say I want to go home."
"I was just saying, that if You do, I will..."
and back and forth it went.

She said, "I am so angry.... I am torn between, getting up, walking out, taking a walk.... or  turning over, and just not talking to you,   or giving you pain in ways you cannot even imagine....  but I do not want to react out of anger.... so instead, stand up, at the edge of the bed."
I did so, and She turned over, bared Her bottom, and ordered me to spank Her.
I did, and ...She started crying, not out of pain, but out of an emotional outlet.
This led to some making u time.
Then we dressed, and went out to dinner.
We returned home, and out for another dog walk.
Then upstairs, and She said, "Let's watch those instructional dvds you told me about."
Well, we watched a couple. videos, and She began interrogating me, "HOW much did you spend on this crap?"
   That did not go well for me.
We both fell asleep in the middle of the 2nd one.
...around 00:30

Scorecard...
Cigarettes 0
Since last O:  10 1/4
In chastity:   14 hours

July 26

Up at 6:15.
We both showered, put dogs in the car,  took R to work, took the dogs to the vet for cleaning and getting my dog shots etc.
Then to Norm's for breakfast.
Then to a Verizon Wireless Store, as I had decided to get Her out of the stone age, and upgrade Her older phone to a smart phone.  
That took hours, seemingly....
Then across the street to a JC Penney's, where we looked at, and bought, matching silver wedding bands.
We did not bring them home, as Hers had to be special ordered in Her size, though they had my size in stock. So we'll pick them up together, when Hers comes in, next week.
Then we drove around, as She gave me a tour of where She grew up,  stopping by the Post Office, where She gets her mail.
Then a light lunch at Coco's.
Then we picked up the dogs at the vet, then picked up R at work, and returned to Her home.
We packed up bags, and set out for my place, around 6 pm.
We had intended to make a 'class' at a dungeon near my place, at 8pm, but it was clear, we would not make it there in time, and ... oh well.
Arrived at my place, and I gave Cookie a quick walk.
...while She began playing with Her new phone, which annoyed me somewhat, as this was supposed to be Our time together, but I tried to understand, as I know I'm the same way with new toys and phones...
So I began to watch one of the 20 hours of tv I had saved on DVR.
She eventually came in, and while the show was on, started teasing and biting me... 
She continued teasing me, saying that if She found a drop of pre-cum, She was going to unlock me and have me ... have sex with Her.
The teasing continued, and included anal fisting, or as far as She could get it in me, and She got the pre-cum, and She unlocked me....  and we did have intercourse for awhile,  that ended around 0230, without me cumming.
I excused myself to go pee, and by the time I came back to the bed, She was asleep.

Scorecard
Cigarettes  0
Days since orgasm  9 1/4
Days In chastity  8 1/2  (this was all day, up to midnight...)

July 25

Off work, then home,  while talking to Her about this and that.
She took Her car in for service,which took no time, then She had breakfast, while I waited to hear at time to meet up with Her.
She gave me a choice of staying home and napping, and going to Her house, and napping there,  and I couldn't decide, and She got mad, sent me a text saying, "I'm really pissed now."

Found out later, She was over it, as soon as She had something to eat, but I didn't know that, at the time.

I napped at home, got up around 15:00,  packed up my stuff and my dog in the car, and headed to Her house.
Arrived virtually at the same time as She did, as She was bring R home from work.

We talked quietly for awhile,  then She went about preparing a marvelous dinner, and we ate while watching an episode of Dexter.
Then She excused Herself to the privacy of Her room, saying, 'I'm going to leave you boys to discuss men's stuff..."
  which I found quite boring, and went out on the patio, to nap and pout.

After a while, She came out to me, and said, "Let's go into the garage."
I followed Her, and saw the bamboo cane, waiting on a bench.
She told me to strip, which I did, down to black no show socks, and I bent over the edge of the bench.
She beat my bottom with the cane, while directing me to work with Her, composing a fairy tale, of a young woman who goes for a walk in the woods, surrounded by lions and tigers and bears...

Finished, She took a few pictures, not that any real damages showed,  and we went on back inside the house.

Soon, we were in Her bedroom, asleep together.

Scoreboard

cigarettes  9
8 1/4 days since orgasm
7 1/2 days locked up

I hope She doesn't see this, and get the idea that I might actually enjoy it...... ;-)

July 24

Still not a lot to report, as the end of this day marks 3 1/4 days that I have not seen or been with Her.

One discussion we've had, had to do with chastity, specifically me being locked in it.
There was a time, months ago, when it was my fantasy to be locked up, and controlled by another person.
Now that it's been happening, I've been obviously less happy about it.
I'm pretty sure my mixed emotions have been derived from that we have two different relationships,  one of Mistress / slave, and another as man/woman. 
As Mistress / slave, I've been subject to Her whims and discipline and punishment, and it would be one emotional aspect to be locked up by Her.
The other, as man/woman, we've become quite physical, and I've had trouble understanding why She would want to lock me up, when we're... doing all that.
So, what She suggested was: She is keeping me locked up as part of the man/woman relationship, as J, not as my Mistress.
And as J, She keeps me locked up to prevent me from masturbating, so that my pleasure will only happen during our times together.
I think this is reasonable, and I'm hoping I can adapt to it well.

A few hours from now, I'll be off work, going home, taking a nap, perhaps, until She calls me, and lets me know the status of Her car, that She is taking in for service.
Then? We'll figure it out, but we have a lot of talking to do, future plans, etc.

The biggest development of the day  is that She told Her SO, R, of our engagement, and he was quite happy about it.

This will be our first weekend together, under the 'shared custody' plan, I spoke of yesterday.
...It should be quite interesting.

Scorecard:

Cigarettes  :   9

7 1/4 days since my last O
6 1/2 days locked in/up. 

July 24 a poem from Her to me

I just HAVE to pass this on, this is a poem that M sent me by text, just before She went to sleep, the other night:


Now I lay me down to bed

my mask is on, I took my meds

I hope my Shilo is safe and sound

so his bottom I may pound

I will try to use the rod

so watch over him oh merciful God

July 23

Another full day away from M, but we talked and exchanged texts quite a bit, and chatted extensively while I've been at work.

New development from a chat during the day:
 Weekend custody ...of Her!
Which is to say, something to the effect of, on Thursdays after I get off from work, I'll go to Her place ...for the night, and on Friday, after She/we/I have gotten R back from work in the afternoon, She and I will come back to my place for the night, and I will take Her back home sometime Saturday. 
Then I'll be alone Saturday night, and get to Service on Sunday, and have the afternoon free, before going to work Sunday night.

Another new development:
 We already have trips planned, to go to Chicago, 2nd weekend in August, and 3rd weekend in September.
Now, we've just added, going to Maryland, 4th weekend in August.

Scorecard:

Cigarettes = 9

6 1/4 days  since last O
5 1/2 days in chastity

July 23, waking up with morning wood in a cage

My bottom, 24 hours after the Purple Party

found on "tpeMaster.com"

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can't fathom.

Allow me the spirit to know Her needs.

Allow me the serenity to serve Her in peace.

Allow me the love to show Her myself.

Allow me the tenderness to comfort Her.

Allow me the light to show us the way.

Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Her.

Let me be able to show Her each day my love of my service to Her.

Let me open myself up to completely belong to Her.

Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a man.

Let me learn to please Her, beyond myself.

Grant me the power to give myself to Her completely.

Give me the strength to please us both.

Permit me to love myself in loving Her.

For it is my greatest wish, my highest power, to make Her life complete,

as She makes mine.

slave acknowledges that its purpose for being is to serve the Will of Mistress.

its function in life is to please, worship and obey its Mistress, whose property slave is.

slave swears to always honor its Mistress through obedience and service to Her. its mind and body are Hers to use in any way She chooses.

slave realizes that Mistress is under no obligation to explain Her orders or to justify Her punishments, but it is under every obligation to obey Her and accept Her punishments.

As a slave it lives to worship, obey and please Mistress, Who gives meaning to its existence.

slave exists to serve.

Mistress, grant me the courage and strength of purpose to follow your way.

Allow me, a simple slave, the opportunity to serve and grow.

Help me face my fears, embrace my new reality and emerge from behind my mask of denial to meet and join you on a journey of discovery and enlightenment as you prepare my naked self to become part of you.

I ask this with peace and love.

July 22

As mentioned yesterday, due to Her list of appointments for the week, we will not be together again until Thursday, so this edition will not be much of a diary of the my experiences, as a slave, with Her.

Basically, I spent the day catching up on my sleep,  after work, in the morning, up until it was time to get up and go to work.

So, seems like a good time to try consider some thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Especially in view of ... the ENGAGEMENT!     OMG!

And what all we have to consider:
  She still has a number of friends and acquaintances who think that She is still married to Her SO, as She did not reveal their divorce.  I won't elaborate here on the reasons for the divorce, although I know and understand them.   Just saying, there's many people in Her circle who think She is still married to the SO,  and for them,  when She and I are together and around those people,  I am Her caregiver,  hired by the SO, to be Her attendant.
  My parents, and anybody I choose to tell at work, and my friends (honestly I have ONE, that I even talk to, outside of work) will know Her by Her name, and know this is a real marriage, but won't know (unless they figure it out..doubtful) about our M/s relationship.
  Our friends in the kink community will know the whole story, or most of it.  Most of them know Her by Her kink-name; a select few know Her real name.  Beyond that, they will know we are married, and also know that I am formally collared (not yet, will be)... some may attend a formal ceremony, if we have one.

We have to work out living arrangements.
We have looked at a house in a Beach city.  There would be one bedroom for each of the males (me, the SO, Her  son) and as we've come to call Her, the floating female.  It's close enough to work, that the SO can bike to work (he does not drive). although it would make my drive to work, 25 miles each way...sigh... well, at least on my current schedule, it's not 'rush hour'.
It has a swimming pool, which I have no use for, since I have memories that equate swimming with sunburn.
But maybe, an after-sundown swim wouldn't be so bad.
A large fenced front yard; I wouldn't have to walk Cookie.  A large garage, with two small rooms built into the back.  I see possibilities there.
Still, the financials on this are enormous, with much to be discussed.

She has told me repeatedly that She is "EXPENSIVE", and that does not mean, She has to have diamonds, furs, and caviar, but rather, refers to the enormity of Her ongoing medical care.
SO...I have to check with my insurance, to see what is (and is not) covered.
She has mentioned that once married, She will lose her SSI.  My income will more than make up for that.
But would it be better to not marry, and then She'd have still have Her SSI, and mine too?

Where and when to marry?
The only people we're sure that would want to attend are my parents, and we think it would be mighty awkward if my parents chose to come out HERE for it, so we've all but decided for sure, to do it where they are, in Mississippi.
That would require checking into local requirements for getting a wedding license.
Which I've already done, and seems pretty simple.
So, when?
Still to be decided.  My feeling is, we need to settle our living arrangements first.

What else?
I'm still locked in a chastity device, have been since about noon on Thursday.
We both know that I can pick the lock on these small padlocks in about five seconds.
If She was all that worried about it, She would insist I acquire the plastic numbered security locks that can only be opened by breaking 'em.
So, it's a chastity device with an honor system, a symbol that the penis attached to me belongs to Her, to be let loose when it pleases Her to do so.
Going back to last October, I wanted, yearned for, control of my chronic masturbation.
Yet, this sometimes annoys me.  More so, when we are together.
Being locked up when we are apart, I understand, it makes sense.
But She kept me locked up,  our whole time together... Thursday... Friday... Saturday... Sunday,  and I' have significant mixed emotions.  Still trying to deal with 'em.

Where I really get confused is the personality switches.
Sometimes, I'm dealing with Mistress (M). Othertimes, I'm dealing with my beloved, now fiance (J).  And sometimes I'm dealing with Her Little, a little girl (S). 
So, there are times we have been chatting, mostly like in text messages, sometimes live chat, and I'll feel like I'm talking to J, and say something casual, and She SNAPS... 
For example, during one casual exchange of messages, in closing, I wrote "Later!..."
and She wrote, "That is what you say to a buddy, NOT YOUR MISTRESS..."
...sigh...
Like, how the fuck am I supposed to know?

Things were simpler when we were just Mistress/slave.
I knew my position, all the time.
Now, I'm often... guessing.
Do I WANT to go back to ...just that?
Fuck, no.

Tuesday, coming up.  I've done most of my homework for my final class of the current series, Tuesday night.
What's left is maybe, 20 minutes of reading.
I still have weekly reading from "the Science of Mind" 
I've got one HELL of a lot of paperwork and crap to get done at home. 
I've got 21 hours of tv shows on my DVR,  that I need to decide how much I really care about.
I NEED to figure out what I'm doing about animal care for our trip, departing Aug 9.

She mentioned to me a new weekly plan, that She has started discussion with Her SO. (henceforth to be called 'R').  
I come to Her on Thursday morning, after I get off work, and take care of animals at home, and pack somewhat,  spend the night, then Friday, presumable after She or we have gotten R home from work, She and I return to my place...  and spend the night, then I get Her back home, sometime Saturday / night.
Which leaves me free to get to church on Sunday, and have the afternoon free for errands or other, before going to work.
Which looks pretty good on paper, assuming I can bring my dog with me on Thursday, as I can't leave her alone and unwalked all that time.  I'm not thrilled about taking her with me, or leaving her at home.

I posted on my profile on the other site we use,  that I am maybe going to a CBT/Chastity class on Thursday night at one local dungeon and on Friday night,  there's a Pegging class... followed by a Femme Fatale party at another dungeon.  Now I'm waiting to hear if She has any interest in any of them.

Scorecard as of midnight
Cigarettes    9
Since last O :  126 hrs
In chastity  108 hrs









 

July 21... all my pictures...with some duplications here

July 21 C = 9

So , this is the day of THE Purple Spanking Party.
AND, She had decided, for this week, to reduce my daily ration of cigarettes to 9.
Seemed to me, like a big reduction from 12,  considering it's along with reducing my masturbation to ... NONE... so, like,  wow...

Awake, 8:30 or so, I guess...
We both go up to go pee.
Afterwards, She said, lock it up.
"Do you mean, you want me locked up during the party?"
"Yes."
I had an emotional reaction, that I still don't understand.
"Then we aren't going!" I said, and I grabbed my purse, and stomped downstairs.
The reason for grabbing my purse: my cigarettes were in it, and I wanted to go, sit outside and have a smoke.
Which I did.
And did  not like the taste.
And I thought about it, trying to figure out why I reacted like that.
I know I've confused about our relationship.
We have a sexual one, for sure.   So why does She want me locked up, if we've been having sex, like almost every time we're alone. That was bothering me.
Then I thought,  we're not going to be having sex at this party.  So what does it matter if I'm locked up.
And, She's being telling people, She has me locked up. This is one way to show it, maybe.
And more importantly, She wants me locked up, because... She doesn't have to give a reason.  She is my Mistress, I am Her slave.  She says, I do.  What's the difference, why....

I went back inside, and upstairs.
She was under the covers, all but crying.
She said, She was really upset, because She was afraid I had left, She didn't know where I went,  I took my purse, I could have been going anywhere, gone for ....no idea.
She was simply afraid I had abandoned Her.

I apologized a hundred times.
I could have, should have, told Her.
I should have stayed, and simply done as She said.
I should have stayed, and asked that we talk about it.
I should have requested a time out.
Just about anything would have been better than just walking out.
She knows or has learned, sometimes I need time to process things, or requests.
Invariably I agree, easily, after I've processed, but ...sometimes I just need the time.
It's really weird that Her orders for my chastity have effected me like this, because it's been a ...desire of mine for quite some time, to have my cock controlled, to have my masturbation curtailed, or stopped,  and gawd knows, if I don't masturbate for long enough,  I might even be able to cum during intercourse....
I think I'd feel different if we only had a Mistress/slave relationship, and She was controlling me just to control me, but since we are lovers, and have professed to a having a deep burning love for each other, it's just been making me feel so strange to have Her, on the one hand, wanting to make love every time  we're alone, and on the other hand, wanting to keep me locked up, whenever we're NOT making love.
Still, it was utterly, completely wrong of me, to walk away...run away, the way I did.
So, it took awhile to get that sorted out.
She even said, "You don't have to lock it up if you don't want to."
And I said, "I'm not going to use it at the party, or afterwards. You said, lock up, I'm going to lock up." And I did.
So, finally, we go up, took showers.  She sent me down to the laundry room to find the bra She brought to wear with the dress She brought for the party. Only it turned out, She didn't bring that bra, after all.
So, we adjusted our plans... We thought we'd go to breakfast first,  but instead, we were going bra-shopping at a department store.
We packed my toy bag first, and off we went.
She found an appropriate bra,  then we went into the snack shop, and sat and ate and drank,  then made our way to the dungeon for the party.
We said hello to the birthday-girl-guest-of-honor, and went on in, and sat around talking,
until She went up to Her 'sister' and asked if She was going to watch.
'Sister' said yes, and we went into the main playroom, and I stripped to lilac panties, and knelt on a spanking bench.
First this picture as a  baseline:

 Then after a long session, that included breaks for a game of musical and spanking chairs,  and Mistress letting Her 'Sister' get in on the fun, while Mistress kissed me at the same time,
these were some  after-shots:

With my bottom somewhat the worse for wear, we went out to mingle a bit.
We snacked and chatted,  then She looked for Daddy, and asked him if he wanted a turn, whacking me.
He said, Yes, he did, and we went into some room, and I stripped and bent over a bench.
After a hard application of a paddle a skinny something, and two canes...during which he broke TWO canes,
  here's some results:

 

Well, oww.

It hurt, and still hurts, while I'm at work sitting on it.

I was smiling, as we returned to mingling.

We took seats in an outer area, and just talked or didn't talk.

People came and went, then it was just Mistress and me, and She climbed on my lap, and sat, straddling me, facing me.

And She asked, using my full name,   >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>,  will you marry me?

"May I think about it?"

"Certainly."

A second went by.

"Yes, I will."

"Of course, this means, I will formally collar you."

"That's an informal way of saying that."

"Well, it's assumed that if we are to marry, you get collared."

And so I said, "Mistress,  may I have the honor of wearing Your formal collar?"

"Yes, you may."

Wow.

And She said, "Let's go."

We did.

Back at my place, She changed clothes,  and we gathered up Her laundry from my utility room, and put it in Her.

With a great deal of reluctancy on Her part and mine, She drove off.

Was time for me to walk Cookie, take a shower... get ready for work.

I don't much doing any of that, though.

At work, another night.

Exchanged a number of texts with Her, and even chatted some on the Site.

So, here we are in the middle of another milestone in our relationship... and looking at our schedules, we won't see each other again until  ... possibly Thursday morning,  some 78 hours away

 Oy.

Scoreboard: as of 2359  7/21, or  00:00 7/22

Cigarettes = 9  (my limit for the day, and yeah, it's been an intense day)

102 hours since O

84 hours locked up (minus those little breaks)

 

July 20 C = 3

up 0945.  
  IBS acting up.  A little nauseated, queasy stomach, rapidly moving bowels.
Moved as best I could, then got in my car to go run errands:  post office, and supermarket.

She called me, noonish....wondering why I had not called Her. 
I wasn't feeling well, and just wasn't sure....
She accepted that, and was on the way to get me.
I took care of chores (cleaning the fish tank,  cleaning the washing machine even more), then I showered and dressed, and went downstairs to wait.
She arrived, and we went off to a local dungeon for a class on Slavery.

The place wasn't open when we arrived, so we walked around while She got a snack, then returned.
Then it was open, and we went in.
First we listened to a guest speaker, and the intended one could not make it,  then we listened to the featured speaker, a friend of Hers from way back.
It was a good, entertaining class.

Then we went back to my place.
In my bedroom.... we undressed... She unlocked me... and we spent an hour and a half in love making.
I have yet to cum during intercourse with Her, but ... I'm getting closer each time....

And She said, "Lock it up..."
...sigh...
I did. We dressed, and headed for the South Bay, to a party that Her SO and offspring were at.
We arrived, hung out for awhile,  until She was ready, and the four of us left.
We took Her offspring to another place, to drop him for the night, then headed to Her house,  and along the way, it was decided that the SO would stay there, and just the two of us would return to my place that night.
We arrived, She packed what She needed, and we headed out.
Neither of us had yet to eat much that day, and we stopped at a favored 24 hour restaurant.
In the meantime, She transformed to Little, and I have a nice conversation with Little Her through the meal.

Then we headed home.  She wanted a shower, but was too tired tired to undress Herself, and I assisted with that, and helped Her into the shower, then out again, and shortly, we fell into bed,  2 ish, I guess.

Scorecard
cigarettes  3
78 hrs since O
60 hours in chastity (minus a couple hours of supervised freedom)

July 19 C = 8

Up 0615, as it was my duty for the day to take Her SO to work, while She slept in.
We rolled out at 0645, I dropped SO at 0715,  stopped for coffee on the way back, arrived at Her house 8ish, gave Cookie a 20 minute walk in the neighborhood, then went on inside.
She may have expected me to climb into bed next to Her, but we had a great many things to do.
I woke Her up, made sure She was awake, and took a shower.
She got up, did the same, and we went on out, to some federal governmental office, for which She had uncomfortable dealings to tend to.  
So wait wait wait, finally had Her turn,  and we left...
I made a call, and we went to a house in a nearby city, which we were considering as a potential living place.
We spent a long time, looking around,  listening to numbers.... before leaving.
Then lunch at a restaurant ....  a stop at a friend of Hers for supplies for a meeting She had that night...
Then off to pick up the SO at work.... and back to Her house.
She produced a large metal spoon from the kitchen, and took me out into the garage, and had me bend over, for a number of painful whacks with it.
And then it was time for me to go home, mostly because I had three probably hungry felines waiting for me there, and She had the meeting to go to.
A lovely drive in Friday afternoon/evening traffic...   then I stopped at the CVS, and lo both prescriptions were ready.... then I arrived home, gave Cookie a decent walk,   settled in to catch up on a little mail and newpapers and watch the first episode of the season of my favorite tv show, The  Newsroom.

And passed it (fell asleep) around 23:30.

Scorecard
 Cigarettes  8
 54 hours since O
 36 hours (mostly) in C

July 18 ... C = 7

I'm writing this like,  3 days later, so some it will be sketchy...

Off work Thursday morning,  went home, took care of chores, talked to Her on the phone, right up to when She arrived at my house, then in Her car went to my doctor's appointment. 
Were the first ones there, had to wait in the hallway til ANYone arrived to let us in.
More waiting inside.
Finally, headed for an examining room.
First, I was weighed.
I asked the doc about this, later...about a year prior, I weighed in at 235.  This time, I weighed in at 197.
Holy cow!

Inside with the doc.
First, I mentioned the funny looking mole on my back, which She was worried about.
He looked at it, mentioned the technical name, said it was nothing to worry about, as were the other peculiar bumps.
I mentioned the problem I was having getting my Nuvigel refilled by my regular neurologist, and he said, he would take care of that.
I mentioned, maybe needing a psychiatrist, for ongoing problems I've had with depression.
He said, why not just treat it himself, and he ordered a prescription for some kind of anti depressants.
And he put in an order for an ultra sound, due to some not quite right sounds coming from my chest.
And he ordered audiology testing for the ongoing hearing problem I've had.

We left, fairly happy overall, and rolled down the road to the CVS close to my place, to see if the prescriptions were ready.
Well, no, as he did not order the controlled prescription quite correctly, and they didn't have it in stock anyway.  Should be ready tomorrow, maybe, I was told.
We went on to my place.
We on up to my playroom, and She sat on the chair, and told me to drop my pants, which I did, and I went over Her lap,  and She smacked my bottom awhile with a hairbrush.
 This was, in part, supposed to be a sort of fantasy fulfillment for me, as my first fantasy for being spanked has been, while OTK, with a hairbrush.
However, I must let Her know, this fantasy really is ...while I'm naked.
For my tastes, pants down just doesn't do it.  If you don't have time to make me completely undress, then wait 'til you do have time.
Then She told me to lock myself up.
This ... sort of annoyed me. 
Yes, I like being controlled.
However, my vision of being controlled in this fashion is... to be locked up while we are separate, but not locked up while we are together. 
A big part of this is,  now that we've become rather active in our physical sex life, I've become rather confused about Her wanted to lock me up sometimes, and other times, wanted to ...have sex.
She kind of explained, this was for Her benefit. Since we were going to be at Her house, where our activities would be severely limited due to Her situation with housemates,  this way, She would be less tempted to ...try to get physical with me.
Well, no matter the reasons. It is Her decision, and I must abide by it.
I locked myself up.  Call it by noon, for the sake of ease of counting hours, but it was more like 11:00 or so.
She went on Her way home; I still needed to give my dog a bath, and pack, before going.
By 12:15 I was on my way, with my dog next to me, and arrived at Her house around 13:20.
Shortly thereafter, She sent me off to have a nap.... starting 13:45, and woke me up around  17:00 to go with Her to pick up Her SO.
We returned in an hour or so,   and She put together a fabulous meal of ham hocks, black eyed peas, sweet potatoes cooked in orange juice, brown sugar, cinnamon,   and  white rice, and we ate while watching a couple episodes of Dexter.
She went off to catch up on email, and I went out on the patio to sit with my dog, and dozed off a minute.
She came out,  told me to fetch an implement, and I fetched a large wooden spoon, and we went out in the garage. 
On demand, I stripped naked, and went over Her lap, as She sat on the couch there, and She spanked me awhile with the spoon.  Then She had me get up, and unlocked me,  removing the device, and spend a great deal of time, teasing my penis, getting it just a little hard, then having me around to whack my bottom, then teasing my penis some more...   and on it went, teasing and spanking, until She said, "That's enough" and had me put the device back on, over my penis, and locked it back on.
....sigh....  gawd, that was fun.
Bed time.... a blanket and pillow was procured, and I fell asleep on the couch, around 02:15.

Score card:
7 cigarettes
30 hours since O
12 Hours locked

July 17 C = 11 No chastity; 6 hours since O

Not much to report today, as it was a 'day of rest', meaning, catching up on my lack of sleep from the previous day.

I spoke to Her throughout the morning,  and we talked about planning for the, or my, upcoming weekend,
which begins Thursday morning, when I get off work.

The most interesting thing that came from the conversations was... asking me to write down what I thought was most important in a place to live,  so that when we all get together, we could talk about it, or see what we agree on.
...So it sounds like we are moving forward on that.

I collapsed into sleep around 1015.

Woke up with my alarm at 17:30... and began masturbating, which took about 15 minutes before I got off.

I got up, and let Her know by text that I was up, just as She was calling to check in on me.
Then I listened to a voice mail that She had left me some hours earlier, along with an email, talking about how upset She was.
I called Her again, and She told me about the new drama in Her life, and that She had finally, and sadly, ended a beloved relationship.

And She asked me if I wanted anything special for dinner at Her house on Thursday night, and we discussed options.

Then I showered, and we talked while I drove to work.
And I got caught in fuckin' Hollywood Bowl traffic again, the biggest drawback to the shift I work.

At work, we exchanged a number of texts, and chatted some on the Site,  and She finally went to sleep at 0300,  while planning to be up at 0600.   And I thought I was being sleep deprived.

July 16 C = 10; end of chastity 112 hrs; still no O 186.5 hrs

Off work, headed home, took care of chores, walking dog, feeding all.... quick shower, minor clean up and prep.
She was on the way to me.

I was outside when She arrived.  I hopped in Her car, and we went out for a quick breakfast.
While there, Her Little came out, and we talked for awhile.
While there, She gave me an incredibly poignant, love-filled note that She had written to me on Sunday, and another note that She was going to post on the Site, sometime, and showed me paged from Her coloring book that She was going to give me, when we returned home.

Return home we did, and She did a quick inspection.
The washing machine mostly passed muster, except for some spots that I had tried to clean, but the spots refused to come out, or I simply could not see.
She said the oven needed dusting and cleaning, and the fish tank really needed a cleaning. I added all the above to my list, and we went upstairs.
Prior to this, Mistress had told me a number of times that while She Herself was a 'gentle caner', Her Little was not so gentle, even possibly brutal.
So, since She was still Little, I asked if She would be willing to use a cane, or canes, on me, and She was happy to comply.
She arranged the sitting chair, in such a way that She could sit on it, while my legs were stretched out on the bed, and my torso was over Her lap, and my hands were on the ground.
She started with a short Delrin cane, beating my bottom with quite a bit of glee.
She said She wanted the other canes, so I got up, and took down from the wall, my other Delrin cane, a longer cane, and a riding crop.
She started with the crop, saying, "This is not a cane, it's a crop," but She put it to good use.
Whenever my head went down, She yanked on my ponytail, saying, "Keep your head up."
Then She said, "Stand up, face the wall," and I did, and She continued, with each of the various instruments, moving from side to the other, while switching hands, and if my head went down, She'd yank my head up by my ponytail.
I was grimacing, and groaning, and REALLY feeling it at times She would hit too high, or right on bone...
Right up to the point when ...I was crying out her given name, " .... !"  "....!"  in an effort to put Little back under, and bring Her out, hoping She would be ... merciful.
It was enough for Little to say, "Go, get in the shower."
I paused for a scant second, long enough to get another cane stroke across my buttocks, as She said, "I said GO!"
I went, and soaked a bit in the cool to lukewarm water, and She, no longer Little, joined me for a few minutes, then got out again, as I did.
I dried off, and returned to the bedroom, and She took pictures of what Little had done.

Then She took pictures of my current state of chastity.

Then we lay down on the bed together.
And one thing led to another, as such things happen, and She was soon fumbling for the key in Her purse, and She unlocked me.   (11:00, I'm guessing,  which ended about 112 hours enchaste.)
And we spent quite some time lovemaking.
It resulted in a number of happy endings for Her, but not for me.  The O has not happened yet, for me, during lovemaking, but no doubt, it will, someday, soon enough.
I felt quite happy about it, anyway.
Then She repeated Her request for a birthday spanking,  Her birthday having been three days prior, and while reluctant at first, I was ready to accommodate, and I took Her over my lap, and smacked Her gorgeous bare bottom with my hand,  until She rolled over on me, evidently signifying She had had enough.
And it was nap time.  Of course, I had worked all night, so I'd been awake since 17:30 the day before, and She was just tired, jet lagged, from Her trip, and we slept, from noon to 14:00.
The alarm on my phone went off, and we woke up
She looked at my marks, said, "Oh wow," and decided to take more pictures.

While She had the camera, She took two more:

We had some very interesting conversations ...in between bouts of lovemaking...   about, what I would want if we were both Mono (I am, She is not).... I suggested, among other things, living together.
She even proposed to me.
She said, "Shilo..."  (well, She used my real full name) Will you marry me?"
... only because She knows me well enough to know what my answer was going to be.
Which was, "Not on your life,"  I think I said, which really meant, "Not now, not right away."

It was time for Her to go.... PAST time, in fact, as She was going to be very late picking up Her SO from work.
Reluctantly, I went with Her downstairs, watched Her get into Her car, and drive away.

I walked my dog, so I wouldn't have to do it later, and thought about a nap before.
But She called me, and we talked awhile, before I begged off the phone.
I managed to get 45 minutes of sleep, before getting up to shower, and head out for my Tuesday night class.

Class was great.
Then off to work, I called Her and we talked while I drove.
Once at work, we exchanged a bunch of texts.
She is having drama at home, which She has yet to totally share with me, but I'm sure She will, when She is ready.

I don't expect to see Her on Wednesday, probably for the better, I need to get some sleep...a lot of sleep.
I will be seeing Her on Thursday; She plans to meet me at my doctor's office for my 0900 appointment, with unspoken plans after that, but I think they include stopping at my place, and later, going on down to Her place, where I may or may not be spending the night.

Overview:
The caning from Her Little was painfully wonderful and wonderfully painful;
I am ecstatic to receive anything that pushes me THAT close to the limits of my ability to handle pain.
She did  not put me back in chastity, and even said, I had permission to masturbate to an orgasm once during the next two days (i.e. before our next time together), and could spend up to an hour doing so.
Maybe I'll get around to doing that, Wednesday, after I get home...if I don't fall asleep in the middle of it, which I have done in the past....

10 cigarettes for the day,   chastity ended after 112 hours,  No orgasm since 15 30 on Tuesday the 9th.