July 28

Awake at 0345....
Started lovemaking.... She unlocked me.
I was on top of Her for awhile.... still, without cumming.

We tried to make a 2nd go of it, and She froze.
She was having a panic attack.
I tried my best to get Her through it.

We kinda went back to sleep, around 0700, and I was awake at 0730, to begin morning chores, feeding animals, walking the dog.
I woke Her up,for our showers, to pack, to dress....
And to lock me up, around 0900.

We went into the playroom, and She told me to drop my briefs,  while She sat on a chair, and I bent over Her lap, for a goodly dose of red rubber paddle, followed by wooden spoon.

We finished dressing and packing,  and got in my car, and went to my church, and attended service.

Then we drove on, to pick up Her Mentor, W,  and then on to Her home.
During the ride, W mentioned going to an upcoming party, and She asked him, "Do you have a date?"
This hurt me, because I found out later, I misunderstood.  I thought She meant, a DATE, when I thought, I was Her date, but She was asking, if he had a ride....So...

Anyway, at Her house, I got a 90 minute nap, woke up. 
We talked for awhile, then I had to go to work, arriving, oh, 5 minutes late.

We've chatted some in the course of the night, until She went to bed, around 0200.
It would appear that "we" have decided to keep the engagement a secret, and not to announce anything to the kink world until we are actually married.

We talked a little about formal collaring.
In view of the marriage, 'we' don't consider it 'necessary' and so, may or may not happen, sometime or other.
She suggested I need it to be happy. I said, the marriage is ...permanent enough, really.

Meanwhile, I am having EXTREMELY mixed emotions about being locked in chastity 24/7.
We both know, I have other keys to this lock.  If I didn't I could pick this lock, in 5 or 6 seconds.
So, it's not like I'm in San Quentin.
I choose to submit, abide by Her wishes on this, but I haven't been all that happy about it.
Her vision on this, and mine, have not exactly coincided.

Then there's my vision of when we're living together... ALL of us, including Her So, R.
We will be sharing our time with Her.  
My mono self is simply having trouble adjusting to Her poly lifestyle.

And, how many times have I gotten myself in trouble, or will I continue to get myself in trouble, by thinking I am with J, my lover, when I'm really with M, my Mistress,  and talking out of turn, or arguing...  

I have no doubt of my love for Her, that I am IN LOVE with Her.
...that She feels the same way for me.
That getting married is THE RIGHT THING to DO....

I'm just having mixed emotions, as I learn to set aside my old ways, dominated by my ego, and learn, really learn, new ways, all the ways I can of pleasing Her.

New paradigm: as of today,  my limit is Eight cigarettes a day.

Scorecard:
Cigarettes  8   most of them on the way from Her house to work, while sleep deprived.
Since last O:  11 1/4 days
Locked up:   15 hours